I was abused physically by my step-dad.

I had a special perosn help me recently, she didn't even know. I had told her briefly I was abused. She asked for more info... like a dummy... I told her I couldn't...

I went through life before her going from one bad relationship and screwing up any good one and then going to the next. I cheated on her. I told her. She cheated back. We made up.

However, she went to a psychologist who was a friend of hers and the psychologist told her to stay away from me. That I was no good.

I made a mistake. I became upset. I hadn't had all of the information and she didn't have all the information and she left one of the sites we went to and now I fear she is not checking her emails.

If she would open them she'd find that I told her all about the abuse... more than I will ever tell anyone.

She'd find that she is my greatest friend in the whole world.

She'd find that I would do anything just to hear her beautiful voice again (preferably many times, but I will not ask for too much)

She'd find that there is someone who loves her very much who was just in too much pain to say anything at the time...

Jesse,

How you choose to use the 'information' that I *say*, is entirely up to you.
I'm only *saying* it, to hopefully alleviate some of your pain.


You 'loved' her, because you opened up to her, and let 'her in', on horrible events, from your past.

You 'loved' her, because you believed she 'accepted' you.


Love is beautiful, Jesse.
Acceptance is beautiful, also.


What gets 'muddled', though, is how beautiful, and accepting YOU are.

Just because she is no longer in your life- no matter what the 'cause' was, you will continue to be beautiful.
Whether you choose to be accepting, is again, entirely up to you.

Arms that get broken- are put in a cast, until they are 'healed'.

Hearts that are broken, sometimes need to be put in a 'cast', (metaphorically) until they are 'healed', also.

But...placing either in a 'cast' for longer than necessary, causes 'atrophy'.


I've 'opened up' to some, in the past..and I've also, willingly gave 'intimate stories'.
It did not make them *love* me, longer- just because.
It did not make them remain in my life-longer.

I, temporarily, 'wished' I could 'take back', the 'intimate stories'.
But I couldn't.


I tell myself..

Why do I need anyone, who doesn't know how to love, unconditionally ?

How will loving 'one way'- continue to be beautiful and accepting ?


You have a 'right' to be confused.
You have a 'right' to *feel* hurt.
You have a 'right' to *feel* loss.

You have a 'right' to heal your heart.
Don't allow it to become 'atrophied'.

Heal your heart.
Sincerely.

For you.

[SIZE=5] Hi Jesse7.0, :) First thought that comes to my mind- You are Not a dummy-just because you couldn't talk about a very emotional painful violation of you and certainly your body. It should have been enough you told her. That alone must have been gut wrenching to even mention and if she had-in my opinion- been empathetic she'd have acknowledged your pain and said something along the lines of-"' I'm here for you when and if-you need to talk more about what you've suffered.'"
2nd No matter how much we might love another person-we cannot make someone love us-if they don't. So we open our hearts to those that do.
We all make mistakes in this life that comes with no guide-book and once again we have to learn to forgive ouselves and hope others do likewise-forgive us our mistakes. Jesse7.0 I really hope you find someone that will love and appreciate you for who you are-mistakes and all and most importantly of all-Don't put yourself down-You are not a dummy!Sometimes we are more appealing because of our mistakes and human foibles. Remember that :) :D :D I really hope your sadness turns to joy and you find peace, hope and happiness in this new Year. :) :) :D :D

That's me, Odd-Screwball :) :cool: :D ;)

[SIZE=5] Hi Jesse7.0, :) First thought that comes to my mind- You are Not a dummy-just because you couldn't talk about a very emotional painful violation of you and certainly your body. It should have been enough you told her. That alone must have been gut wrenching to even mention and if she had-in my opinion- been empathetic she'd have acknowledged your pain and said something along the lines of-"' I'm here for you when and if-you need to talk more about what you've suffered.'"
2nd No matter how much we might love another person-we cannot make someone love us-if they don't. So we open our hearts to those that do.
We all make mistakes in this life that comes with no guide-book and once again we have to learn to forgive ouselves and hope others do likewise-forgive us our mistakes. Jesse7.0 I really hope you find someone that will love and appreciate you for who you are-mistakes and all and most importantly of all-Don't put yourself down-You are not a dummy!Sometimes we are more appealing because of our mistakes and human foibles. Remember that :) :D :D I really hope your sadness turns to joy and you find peace, hope and happiness in this new Year. :) :) :D :D

That's me, Odd-Screwball :) :cool: :D ;)Thank you for your kind words.

Please though. I did hurt her by cheating. I will not deny that. She got upset and cheated back, but I caused that initially. I may not be able to forgive myself for that. I have to take responsibility. We had made up, but there is only so much a woman can take.

I feel so bad.

And actually for once... deserve it.