Ok, here's the thing:

I really feel like I have a lot of self esteem issues and I was wondering if other people have had them as well and what they did to overcome them, or what are some good strategies to help overcome it.

The reason is: Growing up I was told I was stupid kid by my father all the time, abused, and ridiculed just because I didn't grasp things the same way he did.

So now I noticed when I get close to or near success in my life I kind of self destruct it..

Thanks!

Ok, here's the thing:

I really feel like I have a lot of self esteem issues and I was wondering if other people have had them as well and what they did to overcome them, or what are some good strategies to help overcome it.

The reason is: Growing up I was told I was stupid kid by my father all the time, abused, and ridiculed just because I didn't grasp things the same way he did.

So now I noticed when I get close to or near success in my life I kind of self destruct it..

Thanks!
Nivek,

I am sorry you were abused and ridiculed as a child. My brother was more ridiculed than I was, but we were both "absent minded" , disorganized, lazy, yada yada yada.

For me I needed to be in situations where I felt successful. Fortunately, I did well in school in spite of the procrastination, but I had a really small class (6) in grade school and 12 in high school. And there was no competition, and I have a high IQ.

So school and even college made me feel successful. In college I majored in geology which I was able to hyperfocus on and still love to learn about. I muddled through chemistry and math.

A job where you feel successful is also important. But its a real mixed bag. I have had jobs where I did feel successful and jobs where I didn't. For me, the people I work with make a huge difference. If you can form some sort of bond or find good friends at work that is wonderful.

I also found that group therapy was very helpful. You know you are not the only one with issues. Even this forum can help with that. PM a few people you feel as if you might click with. Or chat with them on Messenger.

You need to build your own support system, since your family just brings you down. Or maybe its just your dad. How is your relationship with Mom or siblings? I became closer to my siblings as I got older.

Sometimes you need to vent, a journal can be good or that or a very close friend who understands your issues.

This got kind of long! I know about self destructing. Have you had an official diagnosis or read any books about ADHD? There are some fabulous books out there.

Good luck! Here's a big (( HUG )) and some pats on the back. ;) ;)

I have known I have ADHD since I was 5.. taken medication, not taken it, and now I'm not on it.. Some of this could be because maybe its time to get back on it..

The thing that complicates things and maybe this is more the issue... I had a support system and structure.. I recently moved out of the state where I grew up to a state with my friend of 15 years.. While he was deployed in Iraq... his wife left him.. and he killed himself..

I ended up giving his eulogy on my 30th birthday...

He was the guy who was always there for me when I needed something and he set me straight a lot..

So I think the real issue for me is to set up a new support system and I don't know where to begin.. There's just so much I don't trust other people with..

Hang with positive, impowering people always. I've been there too.

I agree with oddjobace....hang in there with the positive and BELIEVE ME I definitely know what it's like to be abused but you can't change what's happened in the past and eventually we all have to move on ..I KNOW it's not easy but as the saying goes "time heals old wounds"

(((HUGS to you)))

I have known I have ADHD since I was 5.. taken medication, not taken it, and now I'm not on it.. Some of this could be because maybe its time to get back on it..

I recently moved out of the state where I grew up to a state with my friend of 15 years.. While he was deployed in Iraq... his wife left him.. and he killed himself..

I'm so very sorry about your friend! I moved almost 2 years ago and I'm still trying to get a new support system working for me.

Was your Dad an alcoholic by any chance? I know al-anon works well for some people. I have also enjoyed groups like bible studies. If you do have insurance, look to join some kind of group therapy. They generate such positive energy it is amazing. Or take a yoga class and learn how to breathe.

Use or discard ideas as you see fit. It might be a good time to go back to medication. It seems like you are leaning that way. When you experience such a sudden loss and tremendous grief, it is sure to stir up some emotions or cause depression. Just try to make some connections in whichever way you feel comfortable. Or step outside your comfort zone. Do some grief counseling with a therapist or pastor.

Best of luck to you! :) PJ

I am sorry to hear about your friend.

I too know what it is liked to be abused. I was abused by my brother. As crazy girl says, "time heals." I have forgiven but not forgotten. Do what you feel is right. I take medication and it helps me. Talking helps alot too. Group therapy would be good for that. That way you would be talking to people that have experience with ADD. Jeanie said some other great choices.

I wish you the best of luck.

I also have HUGE self esteem and self worth issues. I was also abused emotionally and verbally by my mother who is an active alcholic and manic deressive that will not take meds. I still have issues, but I have been seeing the same therapist for the last 13 yrs and she is almost become a mother figure to me. She has helped alot. I am interested in attending an ADD group meeting in my area maybe that will help also.
The self esteem thing really sucks, because for myself 50 people could compliment me and I would feel great about myself, but just one critize me and all I will focus on is that one persons comment, the rest out the window like they were never said.
The negative is easier for me to beleive than the positive, even in my own head. I hate it.
I am really sorry about your friend. Take care and people are always here to talk.
You may be in a dark tunnel now, but no matter how long the tunnel is, there is light somewhere at the end of it. You just can't see it yet.

So now I noticed when I get close to or near success in my life I kind of self destruct it.. !
Yep, I know just what you mean. I was also abused in just about everyway that there is. And as you can tell by the other Replies, you are Not Alone.

I think it's kinda like "I'm gonna get them before they get me" type of thing....know what I mean. Along with the fact that as difficult as it is to understand...we are comfortable with what we know vs what we don't know....even when what we don't know is better for us.

It was put into your head for yrs & yrs by your father that you were stupid along with other things that you probably haven't brought up, yet. And you were told it so much & so often that you believed it & it's like it's "root" is so deep because it's been there for so long and was reinforced so often & over by your father. That whenever you get close to any type of Success or anything that is of a Positive nature that voice from your father kicks in, so to speak, and suddenly and probably without you being aware of it a part of you thinks that if you've made it this far that you bound to be about to mess it all up because you're so stupid, just like your father always told you that you were. None Of What Your Father Said Is True. But it's like a "tape recording" it has to be erased, which isn't easy & then you have to tape back over it with the things that are True & Correct and Positive, which isn't easy either. And it takes a while to "erase" that tape because it's been there so long & it take a while to retape the True, Correct & Posiive things.

It takes alot of time & hard work which is almost always done with a combination of some type of one on one Counceling along with a Support Group. You have to get some of the pain out before there is room for the Healing to come in. Some people try it by themselves but the chances of coming anywhere near as far that way let alone within any somewhat reasonable time frame..if at all just isn't very realistic.

Also you didn't say what if any relationship you have with your father now. And that situation can still have alot of negative impact on you...if there has been no change and/or never was. And age plays somewhat of a part, I think, in overcoming self esteem issues. It seems that as you get older you become more sure of yourself perhaps that in combination with the distance that is put between the time frame the abuse actually occurred in & now.

BlessedLady

I just accidentally deleted a much longer and more elaborate reply to this thread. Stupid fat finger disease! GRRRRRRR!

However, I just don't have the brain juice to go through all that again. I can summarize it quite simply though.

A rather wise and uniquely insightful forum member pointed this out to me, and I owe her for it in a big way. Many ADDers, suffer a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Our particular sensitivity emotionally, and physically, puts us at greater risk for developing anxiety disorders (among other things. It also places us at higher risk for depression, chemical dependence and more). In the case of this PTSD, many people have very vivid flash backs triggered by any situation that exposes their sense of worth. In my case, I get some very vivid flash backs to some truly awful abuse at the hands of people who neither understood or believed in ADD (at the time I didn't even know I had it). The voices I hear so vividly when exposed to situations in which my worth comes up are that of my father, and upon occasion a particularly cruel teacher. For many people there is no particular event or words flashed back to, but only a sudden and quite unpleasant plunge into utter humiliation, self loathing, and hurt. You see, our emotional centers remember things too, and even memories we no longer have conscious access to, for whatever reason, are remembered by the emotional circuits in our brain, and when a trigger accesses that memory we get the very unpleasant experience of reliving it, even if that which triggered it is relatively mild by comparison.

Facing that kind of fear and actively confronting it (preferably in a controlled way with an appropriate health care provider), can result in it's extinction. At very least it can make it easier to manage. Medications can help as well. Just getting into a condition (whether through meds or therapy) in which the cycle is broken even for a relatively short time can provide a valuble insight on how distorted our thoughts of our own worth are, and that's have the battle in getting over them.

The comment about distorted thoughts and self image leads me into the next part of my long winded little summary (Wow, I can't even summarize briefly, lord help us all). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) deals with distorted thought processes and learning how to replace them with more realistic ones. One of the things that came out of my going through CBT, was a question. "Why would anyone, in the face of evidence to the contrary, cling to such negative and distorted thoughts about the world, other people and self image?" The rather suprising, and counter intuitive answer is that it's safe. People who have, sometimes quite literally, had extremely hurtful opinions about them beaten into their heads for any length of time normalize it. Which is to say it becomes their default condition, they start to believe it because it minimizes conflict. Just as our bodies and brains strive to maintain homeo stasis and balance in function, our minds do as well. Such distortions are protective and safe because they A) are known and familar ground. B) as mentioned above prevent conflict, and D) because they prevent the rather deep hurt we feel when events seem to confirm the accuracy of our initial distorted self image (such as, "God I'm so stupid! How could I ever have believed she would like me?!!! I'm so pathetic, my old man was right about me, I'm worthless!").

As I mentioned above, people with ADD/ADHD are often enormously sensitive and even thngs most people would view as minor, if they noticed them at all can hurt or inspire us quite deeply indeed. Just the sort of ammunition defensive measures like distorted thoughts need to become entrenched.

I guess I was wrong about calling that last bit the end, because I have one more tidbit to add. Even well adjusted "normal folks" (whatever that means, I've yet to meet a normal person in nearly 37 years of my life), quite often deal with moments of low self esteem. Fear, like happiness, exists to motivate responses that are good for our well being (when such emotional systems are working properly and in the context they evolved in anyway). It's often been said that a llittle stress is a good thing. Occasional bouts of low self image can motivate us to improve ourselves. It's when it becomes chronic, and unrelenting (as is often the case with persons with ADD, mood disorders, and any number of other disorders), that it needs to be addressed through treatment (therapy or meds, lifestyle management, etc).

I wish you folks could see yourselves the way I see you. I wish, I could see myself the way some of you see me. It's very unfair that a lack of understanding early on contributed to our misery in ways that have nothing to do with the core differences in our wiring scheme (except perhaps for the fact that they can make us more susceptible to such miseries). I've made real progress in the way I see myself. I'm still scared most of the time. Scared to fail, scared to compete, scared to ridiculed, scared of my future, and above all completely terrified of disappointing anyone I let close to me. I've even managed to like myself, although I'm still not sure how successfully I'll be able to manage the rest of my life (Add scared to end up living under an overpass in a refridgerator box to the list). I'm learning to manage these fears and use them constructively. To face them, prove them wrong (one hopes I'll continue to prove them wrong, it would totally suck if one turned out to be right), and move on to the next fear. Hard work, but the benefits have been truly wonderful to date, and make it well worth the effort. If I can do this, I know you folks can too. Just the fact that you are here and trying to learn to manage your ADD/ADHD and any other issues you may have speaks of courage. In my book, everyone here is more than worthy of my deepest regard.

*gets off soap box and ambles off

Oh, I might as well name names. The rather wise and insightful forum member was Wheezy. :-)

The reason is: Growing up I was told I was stupid kid by my father all the time, abused, and ridiculed just because I didn't grasp things the same way he did.

Thanks!
I will recommend a book that has really helped me to discover what is going on in my head at times when I seem to fail. The book is called "What to say when you talk to yourself"

In a flash, there is a movie screen in your head that is playing a bad scene. It's you dad. He has become your self talk. You have to re-write it and make it good. Once you do, it will be much easier for you. IMO