I was diagnosed with ADD inattentive very recently. Medication did not do much for me. I have changed a lot of behaviors and seem to be doing better (though still have piles and don't get things done on time). My boyfriend has ADD as well, diagnosed in college. He took ritalin in college (about 7 years ago) and not since. Well, he is stuck in a job he hates. He talks about changing jobs, has had people offer to help but never does anything about it. He owns his own place but with his brother who pays all the bills and takes care of everything. His parents live blocks away, so nights he isn't with me he eats at his mothers and she sends him home with lunch for work the next day. He has yet to take me anywhere truly "nice" to eat despite my expressing clearly my desire to. Christmas came and he had one gift for me which wasn't my "real" gift, because "he got all stressed out about what to get me and then I couldn't get you anything". He bought me a Christmas card (I have had many conversations about how I would love a card that shows how he feels for me) and he has yet to sign it. He said he keeps intending to fill it out and give it to me. I have also yet to receive the thanksgiving card and birthday card/gift he got for me. I don't know what to do. He has some sort of anxiety with time. He refuses to get help. He has taken the ritalin once or twice when I was with him and it made a HUGE difference. We are on the verge of breaking up. I can't be with someone who can't even buy me a christmas gift. (I had to take him to the mall to help him get all his gifts). I don't think he will see a physician. I am at a loss. Any advice would be appreciated.......

It seems like he is up to his neck in good intentions that he couldn't live up to. He didn't give you the cards in time so now he's really got to write something great in them -- which leads to even more procrastination. That was my first thought anway. Maybe it's nothing like that.

You are very correct, that's exactly what he says. He really wants to write something good but keeps putting it off and then I am left with nothing for ten months now. The problem is, I am not exactly a planner or organized and he is so bad at both that I am forced to plan and organize him (but not myself). I lack the anxiety he gets. I actually do my best work at the last minute.

I've been procrastinating on writing letters for ages, I took 2 years between promising a friend to send her some photos and actually doing it. Sometimes I almost wish I wouldn't care if I dissapoint people.

Since you titled the thread "Expressing emotion": Do you feel your boyfriend has troubble doing that?
I know one of the main reasons why it took me 2 years to get the photos ready for my friend was that I was having troubble deciding which ones to send her so I always put it off till later. In the end I gave her copies of all and told her she could throw away the ones she didn't like-- how much better it would have been if I'd done that from the begining!

Do you think it would work if you would decide that you will not want the card after a certain date; sort of a dead line and after that you start with a clean slot and would be happy to get a card for your next birthday?

Debba,

If its any consolation I could start a card shop with all the cards I have bought for my wife and never signed or given to her. Pick your occasion, I've go the card. They are stuffed in drawers, between books or buried under piles. Been married 23 years as well. She'll probably get a 25th anniversary card well beyond our 25th year.

I'm a marketing professional and part of all the job descriptions is to be able to write. You know what I have the hardest time doing (most likely caused by my ADD) is writing.

I really see how you are reacting to him, but I really understand what he is going through. He might need to find another outlet to express his love for you that doesn't require so much decision making on his part. Where to go for dinner or what to write in a card might be monumental decisions for him to make. How have you reacted before? Would you ever complain about where he took you to dinner...or would you be happy if he was able to handle a not so fancy place. I get all out of sorts when I have to "perform" or conform for a crowd of strangers. Fancy resturant might be a major fear of his so he avoids it rathers than confronts it and risks causing a scene or freaking out.

He does need to find a doctor that will work with him and he needs to demonstrate to HIMSELF that medication really benefits him and that will extend to your relationship.

Good luck,
NJTrout

thank you both. I appreciate it your help. I guess the problem is that I am much the same way. I write out christmas cards every year and never mail them. I often forget to mail cards to people so I end up driving over and dropping them off. But with him, I always remember. It is hard to have nothing to open on christmas. I am a procrastinator like the best of them. I struggle with things until the last possible minute and then I am lucky if I get it done. I have never reacted to a restaurant choice because we have never gone and he has never offered. It is the strangest thing really. It gets hard putting all the effort in esp. when it is so difficult for me. I do not like planning things at all. I am trying to be patient. But I get frustrated easily too.

I just want to add that I beleive ADD does affect men in this aspect. Communicating how I feel on the inside is not a strength I possess. I can't quite explain the gift giving thing, but it speaks to me. Sometimes getting a card for my own mother feels like someone asked me to scale Mt Rushmore. Makes no sense I know, but it's a real feeling.

The fact that he refuses help is a problem. It's not just going to go away. I can understand not wanting medication, but he should at least see a therapist.

My husband is a lot like this when it comes to gifts and he doesn't even have ADD. He tries but gets overwhelmed by all the choices. He will actually start sweating and leave everything in his cart/basket and just walk out. He ALWAYS waits till the last second to shop too. I use to take it personal and thought maybe he just didn't care or didn't think I was worth taking time and effort. Then I thought about my shortcomings that I know annoy him. For example, I can never remember to charge my cell phone so he stated doing it for me. Every night he searches through my truck looking for it and charges it for me. As much as it annoys him he never complains. So I thought about ways I could make shopping for gifts easier for him. I pick out a few different things I would like and print a picture of them and write the store name, price, model number etc. He then chooses and just walks in the store and hands the paper to a sales person and says I would like to buy this. Makes it so much easier for him.

There is also another thing going on in the male brain that may be going on here. There is a hormone or chemical in the body that when shopping is involved men become stressed. I know this sounds rediculus but there was a study on Oprah showing the stress levels of men when shopping. This is totally different in women in which they eithere don't have the chemical/hormone or have the opposite type of chemical/hormone. This is why men are better "hunters" and women are better "gatherers".

I tried to do a search on google about the effects on men about shopping to give a more concrete explenation. However, this proved very hard so I had to go by memory.

I think that this stress caused by shopping is possibly enhanced by those with ADD. Though this is not an excuse for your boyfriend but an explination.