I am new here and hope that you all might be able to provide some suggetions on what I should do.

I was married for 3 years, and because my husband did not deal with his ADHD and Depression, I left and we got divorced. We have tried to reconcile and have been living together for about 9 months. He is on meds and we have been seeing a couples therapist. Things were good, talking about getting remarried and having children. Then in Nov things changed. Just seemed to get really busy and we didn't spend time together. I thought it was just the holidays and our busy work schedules but..

On Monday, he told me that he couldn't be with me and that the relationship was over. That he loved me and that he was just not supposed to be happy. I am giving him space. We are both in the house but he is sleeping in another room and we haven't spoke since Monday. He needs space he says. He didn't go to our couples therapy session this week but has an appointment with his psychiatrist in a few days. He told me about the psychiatrist appointment in email saying I have an appt, If you care....

How long do I give him space for? Does anyone have any suggestions? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thx

Hi miss, and welcome.

I don't really have any specific advice, don't even know if specific advice exists in this case. The best thing in times like this is to focus on you and keeping yourself healthy and sane. I know that sounds a lot easier than it really is. None of us, ADDer or NT can change another person who refuses to deal with his or her own situation. No one deserves to have the existance of their relationship altered more often than weather reports alter. "Today we have a high pressure system with will bring with it a strong possibility for relationship existance. This could change by late afternoon, however as a cloud bank setlles in"

If he's not doing anything for him, don't you do anything for him. Help yourself, find support and connection in friends and family, and keep yourself healthy. Oh and get some exercise, not just because it's the best thing for handling stress and depression but because when (if) the breakup happens, your looking (and feeling) good adds insult to injury. (little evil smily here)

On Monday, he told me that he couldn't be with me and that the relationship was over. That he loved me and that he was just not supposed to be happy. I am giving him space. We are both in the house but he is sleeping in another room and we haven't spoke since Monday. He needs space he says. He didn't go to our couples therapy session this week but has an appointment with his psychiatrist in a few days. He told me about the psychiatrist appointment in email saying I have an appt, If you care....

Thx
IMO the "If you care" sounds more like he feels badly and doesn't feel you can love him now. (Now that he has ADD) Not a slam at you to imply something like, "Ge, your so busy with yourself you could care less about me."

This really saddens me. Life with ADD is not always fun. I have a friend who is gay and I have seen a comparison with ADD. You are born with it. You'll die with. You'll always have to deal with it in a world that is 90 percent the other "linear" thinking way.

Most people will never understand it. I would say to him, that you would love to be his friend now and that you accept him just as he is. If you indeed do love him still.

ADD people have nothing wrong with them, We live in a world that thinks and operates in a way that is not conducive to our thinking. But put him in an environment that works for him and you and he will be amazed. He will blow you away with what he can do.

There is nothing wrong with being ADD. I hope he will soon learn this. It is just a differant brain structure. Read the book by Lynn Weiss "Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults a different way of thinking".

Many Psychologist make a real good living on telling ADDers they are doomed and have some brain problem. I disagree, we think differently.

Now this doesn't mean that we won't have Co-morbid issues like. Anger (frustration at not fitting in or not being accepted), Depression (same as prior plus feeling of inadiquete with work and relationships) etc...

Please encourage him to come to this site where he will no longer feel alone in his thinking.

I agree oddjobace,

I really have nothing to add, but that he does sound depressed. I like that you could tell him how much you care (whatever feels right to say) and that you accept him as he is.

Sometimes people get deeply depressed about their situation (any people not just ADD) and he's probably very wise to seek help as he is doing...in fact a lot of folks don't do this, so it's to his credit that he is initiating that step.

I think the fact that he told you he is taking that step, may mean that he is reaching out to you in some way.

As long as you are up for it, you can continue, I think, and see how things play out. Please be sure to look after yourself too, and try not to let your mood slide into the toilet as well (although honestly, it is a very difficult thing to do, I realize).

xx

cs

The fact that he added the "if you care" means he does care. Are you playing a role in his treatment, when i say a role I mean visiting with the doctor on occasion, asking relevant questions, etc.

When you are in a loving relationship you need to make time for each other, even if you have busy schedules, you still need to find time.

Men have insecurities too, they need the reassurance just like woman.

I don't know the whole situation, but these are some basics that are often ignored.

Good luck.:)

Is he is individual therapy in addition to the couples? It sounds like he has a lot of shame that he needs to deal with. I know you said he's seeing a psychiatrist but sometimes they just deal with the medication and don't do counseling/therapy.

Thank you all for your responses.
After giving him basically a week of alone time and sleepingin separate bedrooms, I tried to talk to him last night and got the same answer. That he doesn't want to be with me.
I asked him if he would go to our couples therapist and he said no. He has not been seeing a therapist other than our couples one. He is only seeing his psychiatrist and I am sure that he is not telling him all that is going on. Our Couples therapist suggested that I go with him to an appointment and that it could be helpful for his Dr to hear from my side, but he does not want me to go.
So at this point I am trying to get thru the day and take as good of care of myself as I can. However, that is very hard. Sometimes I take it minute by minute.
I understand about his ADHD and depression. I am willing to deal with it and work thru it because I love him, but if he doesn't want to work at it. Then we may just have to go our separate ways. At least I know that I tried and did whatever I could.

thanks for your help, advice and support!

BTW Proscrire - I have been going to the gym for hours just to get out of the house and have lost 10 lbs so HA! Being a little evil....

Hi Miss123 -
Have you considered writing him a letter and requesting that he respond back in writing too? It sounds like all communication has shut down and you don't even know why. If he does love you as he says, he should at least try to explain what is causing the 2nd breakdown of a relationship between you.

How about surprising him with an evening together doing what you used to do when you were close - be it a favorite meal, rent a movie - not trying to talk of troubles but just showing that you accept him and miss the fun times...all he has to do is show up.

maybe his medication isn't working so well for him right now... maybe he needs a different dosage or different combination.

Is that something you could suggest to him?

I agree with above. Also I would say he may not "feel" that you love him and care. It is so hard to get through to them these feelings when they get something stuck in their heads. It is also hard if he doesn't give you the opportunity to let you express yourself. If he is in a depressed mode it is very hard to get him to see that you do care for him etc.
It is so hard and I know how you are feeling. I am glad to see you are getting to the gym and thinking of yourself as well, that is important.

Many Psychologist make a real good living on telling ADDers they are doomed and have some brain problem. I disagree, we think differently.


I do agree with this and ADDers tend to see the worse in them selves even when we are acting cocky or care free. I felt stupid because of my LD, at one time I would have bet a week pay that my family felt the same way. Only recently did I begin to understand my version of how they viewed me was untrue.

Ms. 123 I read you post and hear a voice as if from an empty room like an echo of loneliness and confusion. Like part of you wants to walk off but some thing is side is saying no. It seems as if you are reacting to conflicting signals.

You mentioned ADD and depression, I know they run together this is not necessarily unusual. What I do find unusual is the way you described his change of mind, as if it happened suddenly without warning so to speak, but with consistency over the past week.

I really do try not to invade the non-ADDers space I always seem to wind up in trouble I fear this time may be no different. Frankly some thing doesn’t feel right here. I know I am reading your words and know nothing about you or your husband but some thing just isn’t well simply ADD to be honest.


Also you did not say how long he has been treating his ADD, nor how long he has been on medications. Is he treating both the ADD and the depression? Even if he is newly diagnosis some thing still doesn’t seem right. I am going to simply run out on the limb and risk falling flat on my face but in your post I read “some thing is missing”, I feel as if there is a hidden factor not yet uncovered.

I am not a logical being and often act upon instinct, I do not read nor perceive like others which some times causes me to see things differently. . . . I do not subscribe to conspiracy minds sets but it wouldn’t be the first time an underlying issue has been missed. Yea his medication may be out of whack I won’t refute that. It is just the 180 right after the stressful holidays which seem to trigger stuff hidden just beneath the surface.

If you are simply wanting to peruse this from another point of view perhaps a search for things that mimic ADD and depression or causes for sudden and dramatic direction changes. I do not think it is simply the ADD extreme emotional reaction here other wise it wouldn’t have remained consistent for an entire week.

I know this is probably confusing more than helpful I probably should just keep it to myself I could be wrong then again I may be right. The closest right thing I know to do is to tell you how I see this and leave the rest up to you.

I do wish you all the best and please do keep us posted on how things are going.

meadd823,

Thank you for your post. I don't take offense to your post so please do not worry about sharing your thoughts and opinions. That is what this forum is all about.

I have been able to have a couple of conversations with my husband since my initial post. I have come to find out that he is very depressed and has been fighting this bout of depression for a few months. He was able to "hide" it from me for a couple months but since November he has been very distant and right before Xmas he told me he didn't want to be with me, after a couple of days came back and said he was sorry and that he did want to be with me and then a couple days later said he didn't want to be with me and that was 3 weeks ago. He has not changed his mind and I am at a point now that I am very sad, hurt and angry.

As much as I love him and understand that he is going through a bout with depression and ADHD and not on the right meds yet. But he is not willing to go to counselling and really doesn't feel that the meds are doing anything. He does not understand what is going on. He doesn't know what to do.

But can't continue to live like this and wait around for him to make up his mind. And what happens if he decides today that he does want to be with me. and then 6 motnhs from now he goes through this again. I can't live that way. It is not healthy. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and knows that and doesn't question it.

I love him. But I need to love myself and take care myself. I can't help him. he needs to help himself.

It looks like we are going to go our separate ways. It makes me sad, but...

HI miss123
Looks like you have found inner stregth to take care of you. I too after 11 weeks seperated am beginning to feel better but my way of dealing is putting off thoughts of him so I hope I don't come crashing down. I have noticed theres a difffferent type of peacefulness in my life not being around my ADHD bf.Its nice not to argue, wait for things to pass before you can say something mundane or not feel like you're walking like eggshells. You said it, we don't deserve this.Not to say we don't care but there's only so much of ourselves that we can give to trying to help someone who doesn't want to help himself. yes, it is very sad.

My guy told me a few months ago he was thinking about leaving. I got him to go to a counselor we had seen (who has ADD) and there I found out he was suicidal, had totally stopped taking anti-depressants because a good friend had told him that using medication was wrong. The counselor wanted him hospitalized. I think it scared him enough that he went back on Wellbutrin, saw another medical doc who even upped the pills. It's a few months later now, and he's doing so well. He seemed beyond hlep at one point, wasn't making any sense, had losts him sense of reason and proportion. I think some kind of intervention is the only way to help them reclaim who they are.

Clinical depression is a tough one. Depression causes difficulty in concentration and muddled thinking with memory lapses; a wicked combo if one is trying to climb out of a dark hole. There is no quick fix and finding, then waiting for the right meds to kick in can take a long time.