ANyone else in my situation?
Lord help my pitiful loving devoted family.... we have much to recommend us but Martha Stewart, my sisters and I are not. However, someone's gotta take care of Mom.

I am the most logical caregiver for my mother, who has Alzheimer's and is unable to live alone anymore.

I have a good, fulltime career, as does my husband. We have one child in the house, in 8th grade. He does martial arts and plays a mean trombone and has lessons for both four days a week.

And of course the house is disorganized, and my life is disorganized, and I work nights, so my sleep is disorganized.... Mom doesn't need constant watching yet but it's probably coming soon.

She wanders the Festival of Mayhem that is my home, picking up random stuff (and of course random stuff is readily available!), saying "Oh, I've been looking for this" and scurrying off to her room with it unless I catch her and redirect her in time. She's apparently been looking for my souveneirs from Peru, my employee newsletter from work, my son's martial arts mouthpiece, and instant oatmeal!

She needs to be bathed, and can't dress herself, or change her tv channel, or.. or... or... all sorts of little things you consider "no brainers' until you see that yes, they do indeed require brains.

Mom's also starting to have difficulty with more intimate issues, and is leaving the bathroom in an unsanitary state about which I will say no more, except that my son is eagerly awaiting the remodel/addition for Grandma so she will have her own bathroom.

I feel alllll whelmed over when I think about it, years of this ahead of me. so I try very hard not to. And I sometimes find myself hoping it doesn't go on too long, which I realize to my horror means I'm actually hoping Mom doesn't live so long, which is a really awful thing to hope for so I stop as soon as I realize it. Until I do it again.

I pray and hope I'm up to the task; at least to be emotionally there for her, loving and giving of myself, if not physically handling it with the skill one would hope for.

At time I feel like I've got two brain cells left, and I just want to crawl in a little hole and be ALONE with them... but of course, I'm Mom, the Center of the Known Universe, and I'm my own mom's hotline to the world she can't see well, hear well, or make sense of anymore. I sm trying very hard to keep my outlook positive and my spirits up and my nerves unfrayed... and to not think about how long I may have to keep doing this.

Am I alone here or is there someone else spinning these particular plates?

I am not a caretaker of my aged parents, yet, but work with several people my age who are and we talk about it. All I can say to you is I hope my son and daughter are as good to me as you are to your dear mom. Bless you.

Thanks, Imnapl, that's real sweet. I'm just not worthy of that, but thanks all the same.

This is not the "beating self up" that so many people do, here and other places. I just mean, sometimes the act of taking in a parent makes one look somehow Better and Holier to others... and I mean to emphasize, I am sooo not. I'm stumbling along, and I have dark nasty moments of impatience and anger and all that human stuff.

The ADD symptoms - and I am not diagnosed, you see, but I'm feeling like it explains so much of my life, what I'm reading - are really interfering with getting things done, and they're getting worse. I lose stuff more. I lost my stethoscope and my Nursing Bible, the little reference book I've jotted useful gems in over the years, and I HAD it for years. I'm so annoyed. I broke down and threw money I didn't have at the problem and bought a new 'scope, but jeez, the book's not so replaceable. That's just one example.... I'm just spread too thin, and no end in sight. I'm losing objects, money, and of course my mind.

I'd like to run off in an RV and live in State Parks and walk in the woods all day. That's my fantasy... which of course I'd be crazy lonely missing my fam if I ever got to DO it. But right now, fantasies of solitude abound. Just chirping crickets in the twilight to distract me from a good book, and a breathtaking brilliant night sky to keep me awake at night. Skinny dipping in a mountain stream under the full moon....

I maintain an active fantasy life. And an active live life, which is less seductive but certainly keeps me busy.

I read somewhere that love is not a feeling but a choice. If one doesn't feel all the gooey stuff "love" is supposed to be, but is acting it out in how life is lived, and choices you make, then that's real love. I guess I can see how that makes sense. All talk and no action is not love.

But I'm so pinned down. I can't go to the store without planning it all out, how fast I can do it, no detours, oops, can't go out at all, Mom's flippin' out and I can't leave her. No spur-of-the-moment trips with my son; God, I miss the freedom to just GO.

When Mom is gone, I know I'll be slammed with grief. Lke I've lost part of myself. And I'm enjoying what she has to give of her old self, the witty and charming Mom I grew up with.

It just distresses me to have these longings to be free, which would mean Mom was... so far gone she wouldn't miss me? or dead? Is that what I'm longing for? That's awful. Human and awful.

My husband is so good. I mean, SOOOOOO good. Like, I can't bring up dark thoughts of this nature to him, he'll start the "But she's your mother, she did so much for you"... yeah, yeah , yeah. Okay, hon. Nevermind. He doesn't delve into the Dark Side; I mean, he's GOT a dark side, he just won't take it out and turn it around and poke and examine it like I do.

So anyway, I'm just curious if anyone else here is in the same boat. Is my restlessness just me, or ADDish, or both... or just anyone in this situation?

The movie "It's a Wonderful Life"... the scene where George is talking to the town "fast" girl, Violet...he says "Let's make a night of it, let's go up to the top of Mount Bedford, and swim in the green pool, and there'll be a terrific scandal.." and the girl is appalled, saying "Walk in the grass in my bare feet, are you crazy?"

That girl is an idiot! I am SO in love with George. If he invited me to have that adventure with him, I'd have jumped him right there in the street. Soooo my kinda man, and my kinda adventure.

not that I've ever actually HAD that kinda adventure.

But I'm lusting for it so. And for George.

If you haven't seen the movie, RUN and get it.

My point is, I feel like George, who truly can't escape the burdens and blessings of his life.... and that they're the same things.

I'm waxing phar too philosophical tonite. Way past bedtime.

Especially with your mom living with you, it may be a good idea, and is often recommended, that you as the primary caregiver for now, get some respite care. At times, I do work part time doing just that. There are agencies that can provide you someone for any amount of time you may need from a couple of hours a week, to live in, if you all want to stay together and keep her at home when the time comes she needs more care. As she progresses, there are also wonderful homes with just a handful of special needs individuals in the house with a few caregives that are known for providing excellent care in a very small group setting, and there may be some close by to where you live so you won't be far.

My main point being, you have to have some measure of respite care, in order to be the best for your mom, yourself, and your own family that you can be.

Oh , I do know that, and I get it... but it's just that, respite. WHen I remember to go day to day, I do much better. On any given day, I manage okay. It's the long view that brings me down... on a day to day basis, there's not that much wild adventure I would have put in my life, anyway, you know? But thinking about years of this is what freaks me out.
Although I would not choose anything different. This is my choice and I make it again and again daily.... it's the only logical and moral choice. And Mom is not hard, just jumpy and a bit needy.
A friend was talking about her fear of committment, and I said "Hah! You think you got committment issues? I'm having trouble committing to my MOTHER.", and of course it's not the same, but still....
But yes, I get respite.... and as time goes on I'll be getting more. I just need to stop thinking about how long this could go on.
That was a good suggestion, though ,because people often forget to ask for the help they need.
Interesting, though, it looks like there's not many people here in this situation. I would have expected a proportional percentage, it's such a common situation in the country now.

Piglet, if this is any help, I know I will feel the same way as you. My mom is 82, and she's very independent still, but the time will come, and I think about it. As with anyone with ADHD, or anyone faced with overwhelming overwhelm, try to stay with one day at a time, even if it's one second at at time, and try not to think too forward other than what is necessary for planning. Thinking ahead of overwhelm is not really usefull. :-)

I think it is wonderful what you are doing, and your time will come. Here in Arizona, many folks leave their families in colder places, and retire here far from their loved ones. All the family can do is make arrangements for thier parents, and not be there for hands on care, but leave it in the hands of total strangers that don't care quite as much. I was there for my father, and it was such a gift for both of us, and you will see the rewards when it's done and years have gone by. You are also giving your children the gift of nurturing, through your example, when it will be THEIR parent's turn. ;-) In the present, now, it's just hard work. Hang in there!

1kid2dogs, you are so right. All of it.

I must stop thinking so far ahead and just breathe. Life comes at its own pace.
And I do realize how blessed I am to get this chance, and I wouldn't do it differently.

Thanks!

I must stop thinking so far ahead and just breathe.

I am not in the situation you are in now nor have I had to care for some one with a long term progressive illness such as Alzheimer’s but was the primary care giver of my fiancée who had cancer. It is not the long haul you are looking at as you know.

Piglet there are times when being in health care is an advantage for the most part in your situation it is. However the stress over the long term the fear of the possibilities well I believe you are discovering one of the few times it isn't such an advantage. Knowing "too much" can be more stressful than not knowing. All the possibilities the scenarios and yes the reality of Alzheimer’s.

The "wishing it to be over quickly" is normal as horrible as it sounds with you being the one who thinks those thoughts about some one you love. . . . . .but you should know that there is more to the wishing than the relief for just yourself. . . .who the heck wants to watch slow digression in a loved one.


If you were caring for some one in a hospice situation would you feel a family member was horrible if they just wanted it to hurry up and be over with? Some times I had to separate my self emotionally by seeing this as the nurse instead of the family member.

The hardest part of my response and I want to be kind as you deserve it, but piglit you have to decide what you can and can not handle here. When Gene was beginning to go down hill I went into a great depression. Underneath it all was the indecision how far could I reasonable go? I had two daughter living with me, troublesome teens, I had school part time and work full time and life was a whirl wind and I knew I could only go so far and I had to decide literally how far I could safely keep Gene at home, what I literally could and could not do. You have to think of your mothers safety as well as the sanity of your self and your family. People crazy with exhaustion are not good care givers.

My boundaries were if her became confused and combative. I knew I could not handle a combative person on my own nor could I expose my daughters to this. If Gene became so confused he was a danger to himself wandering out on the highway or some thing and if I became in too ill health. He stayed with me in our home until a week before he died. The day after Christmas he stood with the freezer door open for hours I could not get him to budge every thing melted as ice cream and $50.00 in meat ruined I went from patently prodding to threatening. I threaded to carry his a** to his bed if he did not walk there right **** now. . . . I had never spoken like this to him or any one else in my care. I cried I was so horrified of my own behavior. . . . .I was exhausted literally.

He finally went to bed after six hours on standing with the freezer open as I was chucking meat away I decided I could no longer do this alone. My teens were running wild because I could no longer keep up I went to school long enough to grab assignments and was trying to keep up with it. I had to take a leave from work and still I was too tired to think straight. I hadn't slept more than a few hours in weeks. I was exhausted and now I was being abusive this was not fair to him or me. The next morning I spoke with Gene and told him his family need to keep him at their house for 48 hours or he was going to have to go for in-house respite care. He and his family decided to move him to his mom's house,. . . . . I took two days off and slept and ate and became my self again .

I went out to pick him up and his brother was there form out of town and he wanted to visit with him. During their visit his parent and I spoke and they said they didn't have problems because there were more of them than there was of me however nights were a problem. Like you I was a night nurse until I had to go on leave (we saved when we found out about the cancer knowing this would happen, just not when) . . . I took the night shift with him because I was used to staying awake all night. His family divvied up the day and evening hours. . . . . .he died New Years day in the afternoon at his mom's surrounded by family and friends I was sitting at his side. . . piglet it didn't turned out like I planned I could not carry the burned alone and you know that was a good thing. . . . for all concerned.

I think you are stressed because you need to let the nurse kick in and be realistic as to how far you and your family can go. . . . . and be willing to let go when or if the times comes. You know w hat you are up against and you know your resources you need to rationally sit down and realize when you become too exhausted you are not doing her, you, or your family any favors. Trying to holdout too long can endanger her, you your sanity and your health.


If you do not have concrete plans in place then maybe the anxiety is trying to tell you some thing . . . . . and perhaps it is time to listen so you will be able to enjoy the rest of the time you have with your mom and not waste it with indecision. . . .Had I pushed my self, Gene would have spent the last of his days with a lunatic instead of me and his family taking turns so that all remained sane and could lovingly let him go in peace. . . . . I wouldn't change a thing. . . . . hero's know their limits some times us nurses especially loving daughter type nurse’s have a bit more of a problem with this

I hope this helps I wasn’t exactly in your situation but I think I have been close enough to empathize but I am far enough in my future to understand. PM me if you need to yell at me, cry scream or just vent.

[QUOTE=piglet]That was a good suggestion, though ,because people often forget to ask for the help they need.
QUOTE]

piglet, I want you to know that my Heart goes out to you. That is not pity or sympathy, just so you know.

Tammy is so very right ! Being in the Health Care Field is not always the greatest thing. Working in a hospital you see things that you don't learn in books and those seem to be the things that we can't shake....no matter how hard we try.

My situation isn't like yours but I took care of my hubby for app 13 yrs at home. He became disabled after a MVA & wasn't able to work. The drs said that there would be surgery "in the future" but until then all we could do was wait. After a short time his condition deterioted to the point where he needed medical care at home & back then they didn't have all of the things they do now where they can come into the home, ect. We had 6 kids. The drs told us that due to our finicial situation & lack of insurance that there were 2 choices. I could work. come home & give everything I made to someone else or I could stay home and take care of him (a dr that I had known since Jr. High & was a friend of mine said me staying home would be the best thing because since I would be the one "responsible" for hubby when he left the hospital, was given meds, ect that i would need to take off of work frequently) Anyways, I made the decision to stay home not for money reasons but because I strongly believed & felt that it was just the "right thing to do." He evidentially had the surgeries he needed & was able to return to work.

I wasn't dx & put on proper meds until I was 45, app 11 yrs after I began providing the medical care hubby needed at home. I remember when I would begin to forget things worse than usual.....I was exhausted,... I just didn't know it. And I tried to be SuperWoman & take care of everything & everyone by myself. We even took in hubbys grandmother a few times in the middle of those yrs when she was too ill to be left alone but not ill enough to be in the hospital.

Please don't misread what I've said as me "bragging"....because that's Not the reason I've shared this.. I've shared it because even though the situation was different in every odvious way. What was not different is how quickly you become exhausted & overwhelmed. As well as the feelings of guilt & depression on those days when you feel like you're "trapped " & would be thankful for anything that enabled you to just walk out the door, go wherever it was you wanted to go, for however long you wanted to & not say a word to anyone or even wear a watch let alone have a cellphone or pager glued to you( back then it was a pager)

One of the times he was hospitalized a Social Worker told me something that changed how I did things from that time on. First whenever he was hospitalized I stayed at the hospital & didn't leave until he was discharged. Usually he was in a regular hospital room & I stayed in the room, but this time he was in ICU. The morning after he was admitted this particular time, I was in one of the side rooms that they put the family in when either the patient dies or they don't expect them to make it. This Social Worker walked in, handed me her card & said " I'm here to help. If you need anything just call me." I took the card & politely said "Thank You." But to myself I thought" yea, right & what is it that you think you can do to help me." Well, right after she left, they called me to the front desk & told me they had a Courtsey Room available for me ( I had stayed in a regular hospital room the night before) I took the key & went to the room & was going to lay down for a few minutes before Visiting Hours began. The phone rang, it was the Principal from one of our daughters school. The kids had stayed with a neighbor the night before. Well evidentially she had broken her arm the night before. This Principal was aware of hubbys Medical situation because she was 1 of 3 people I had called the night before when he was admitted. She told me I needed to come & pick up my daughter, but I couldn't leave the hospital. So she said that under the extreme circumstances she would see if someone from the school would bring our daughter to the hospital but that I would have to be there when they drove up to physically take custody of her & release the school of responsibility. Well make a long story short, hubbys mother was also coming up during Visiting Hours to see hubby & he didn't want to see her. So I was suppose to be in 2 places at once......something that even though I "thought" I could do it...I had to admit that I couldn't. So I went to the Front Desk, gave them the Social Workers Card & said "Please call her for me now." They had a Social Worker in ICU with hubby when his mom came & one with me while I was waiting for our daughter to get to the ER. And the Social Worker stayed with me while the Ortho dr took care of our daughter. To be honest the relief I felt knowing that things with hubby & his mom wouldn't get out of control even though I wasn't there & just someone offering to do something as simple as get me a cup of coffee while I sat with my daughter.....it was like a 2 ton weight had been lifted off of me. The Social Worker that had first come by that morning came by my Courtsey Room on her way out when she got off that afternoon. There wasn't anyone to keep the kids ( by this time we had 4 kids left at home ) that night & I had explained the situation to the Social Worker & asked her if she would ask the Administrator if the kids could spend the night in the Courtsey Room with me if they were very quite & didn't make any noise. Children the age of ours then weren't even allowed on the ICU Floor. but I literally didn't know whatelse to do. The Lady came by to tell me that as long as noone knew they were there that I had Permission for them to stay with me that 1 night. She also gave me some cards good for free meals so I could eat while hubby was in ICU. And then she told me what changed how I did things from that time on. She said " You are a giver.....but there is a time to give and a time to take. This is your time to take...... it will be your time to give again."

See if maybe there isn't a Support Group in your area for At Home Care Givers for parents in your Mom's situation. They will know exactly how & what you're feeling. And some that are further down the raod than you are might have some advice/suggestion that might help. And remember this...You are a Giver, noone could do what you are and not be. But there is a time to Give and a time toTake. Don't be afraid or hesitate to ask for/Take help when you need it and/or when it's offered. Just because you Take does not mean that you won't be able to Give again.

I'm sorry this is o long. But I Hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you're aren't as alone as it may seem at times.

BlessedLady

Blessedlady, thank you so much for sharing your story, it really is consoling. Yes, the overload sneaks up... seems to have jumped me from behind! And I think I need some medical assistance to regain my balance and best, most capable self to handle things. I really have very little to compain about... I'm just learning to adjust to all this and figuring out what I need to do for myself to stay sane. Am making a dr. appt Tusday and will see about getting myself evaluated...I don't have an actual ADD diagnosis, but all I've read sure looks to me like lifelong Inattentive; I have no trouble with reading andwriting, it's hearing things and processing sounds where my coping mechanisms start to crash. So call bells and phones when I'm at work (nursing), and the pitiful moaning of sick people, lately just fries my last nerve, which it didn't do before Mom came to live with us. I need some help getting my balance.

So call bells and phones when I'm at work (nursing), and the pitiful moaning of sick people, lately just fries my last nerve, which it didn't do before Mom came to live with us. I need some help getting my balance


Over load perhaps. . . sounds happen and it isn't like we have the choice but to hear, this can feel intrusive. I am glad to hear you are seeking some help getting your balance.