Little background:
I am a 30-something ADDer, diagnosed at age 12. I took meds for awhile when I was younger, but didn't like them. I was that angry defensive teen (that everyone is) at that time without meds. In college, I realized I needed help and got some great tools and medication. I also did bio feedback which was really amazing. I got my life "together" according to family and friends and met and married a very responsible man who seemed to like my quirks to an extent.

I was on the medication for 4 years, went off it about 1 year before marriage and haven't been on it since. Add it up, thats almost 10 years without it.

After a few years of having the "dream" life (the cars, the house, the good money, vacations...etc) I realized nothing satisfied me and the person I was with was somehow both supportive and completely stiffling at the same time. I always seeked the company of other men as friends. *yes just friends* but would day dream about falling in love with them and picturing a life with them. I have never ever been satisfied with what is in front of me when it comes to marriage and have suffered a great deal to try and make myself feel like soulmates or something like that. It didn't come naturally. Truth be told, I think the beginning was more fun because we travelled a lot and went places and he set it up but over time everything became rigid. His reactions I found very unfullfilling to my fun spontanous ways. So after awhile you just don't want to keep putting your dynamic self out there or would rather share it with someone who appreciates it and can jump on board. So thats what I do and did.

This need to always go outside the marriage for emotional fullfillment and spontinatity. Is this normal? Can ADD people be married successfully without all the extra bullsh*t?

Where is the balance? When does an ADD person find that they accept themselves and their flaws to the point where others can accept them too?

I keep asking myself "where is the line?" where is the place where I am balanced enough to have both a successful personal life (free of the burden of daily grips of forgetting to wash dishes or put soda cans away and judgmental assessments) and a successful mindset (feeling good about where I am and what I want and not always feeling guilty because I don't like what everyon else does).

Also, I wonder if anyone else who suffers has the issue of developing separate lives to the point you act on the ideas in your head. I have a whole world in my perspective and I will act that way around certain groups and what not. By that I mean, I have a totally separate life from my significant other that they don't know about ... its like I live two lives at once in order not to deal with the junk in the other. I feel after all these years, this is the most dangerous and hurtful thing I can do, but it feels comfortable to me. I get to live two lives.. one looking married and one happy separated, frustrated artist.

This separatness is what is bringing me to get medicated again. But please tell me if anyone else does this? Do you find away to escape where you are by developing a separate life from your significant other? Is this a symptom or am I just crazy and selfish? Or am I just with the wrong person who I can't feel I can really talk too? I mean, why do I always need people who are really open around me to talk to and yet can't say those things to the person who is supposed to be my best friend? Has ADD become my tragic enemy in marriage? or is it the wrong person?

No one person can satisfy all your needs.

There is a big difference between fantasizing and acting on those fantasies. But if the fantasies become more important than reality, they're interfering with your life.

It's necessary to have a "separate life" (job, hobbies, interests, friends), but it shouldn't have to be a secret. If it has to be kept secret, that's a totally different ball of wax.

People who have ADD often feel unsatisfied and seek novelty and higher levels of stimulation. Did you feel as unsatisfied when you were on meds?

Marriage is often very boring, but sometimes that means you need to work out something with your spouse. Maybe he's bored too. Presumably, you found his "responsible" behaviour appealing when you married him. Presumably, he found your spontaneity appealing. What's going on?

Why did you go off meds before? One quick answer is to try meds again and see what happens. Have you ever talked about medication and ADD with your significant other?

Hey Darl.

I have a fair idea of how you feel, I've just gotten out of a relationship recently and I felt the same way, it was great in the beginning but it soon become extremely boring to the point of me becoming depressed, towards the end of our relationship I think we were living seperate lives, I was chatting to others while he was hanging around another woman who he's now with.

Regarding your question as to whether you're with the wrong person really can't be answered by anyone but YOU!! why don't you give yourself time alone and really really think about what you want in life and what you want to do, whether one has ADD or not is beside the point in this situation, anyone from any walk of life can go through it, the fact your "soulmate" feelings didn't come naturally may be a sign that you might perhaps be with the wrong person or it could be something else, because in any marriage, relationship or friendship feelings of social comfort should come naturally after a while if not straight away, while I'm here I'm gonna ask you have you actually thought of also sitting down with your man and having a really good talk??? it might be a good idea to...I guess what you really need to do and figure out if you still love your man and want to be with him still.

People with ADD are always looking for constant high stimulation and adventure...it's just part of us and it sounds like you've got a bit of the "I'm bored with life" thing going on at the moment and it's up to you to find ways to combat it.

The fact you're having fantasies about other guys would suggest perhaps some emotional or even sexual problems???? but there is a major difference between just fantasy and actual reality, I think everyone does this too married or not.

As for your seperate life, like Peridot said there's nothing wrong with having seperate lives as no married couple could or should live on one anothers pockets and every person needs their own interests, hobbies, friends etc etc but if there are secrets then you have to wonder why and what the problem is and it's obvious you have communication issue with your man otherwise you wouldn't have secrets.

I'm gonna ask a question that might be a little personal and it may hit a raw nerve but are you having an affair with someone else??? because I get the impression that you either are or thinking about it, if you want to chat just PM me and I'll be a friend to you and I'll support you the best I can....I'm not saying or even implying that you ARE having an affair, I'm just asking!!

Selena:) Little background:
I am a 30-something ADDer, diagnosed at age 12. I took meds for awhile when I was younger, but didn't like them. I was that angry defensive teen (that everyone is) at that time without meds. In college, I realized I needed help and got some great tools and medication. I also did bio feedback which was really amazing. I got my life "together" according to family and friends and met and married a very responsible man who seemed to like my quirks to an extent.

I was on the medication for 4 years, went off it about 1 year before marriage and haven't been on it since. Add it up, thats almost 10 years without it.

After a few years of having the "dream" life (the cars, the house, the good money, vacations...etc) I realized nothing satisfied me and the person I was with was somehow both supportive and completely stiffling at the same time. I always seeked the company of other men as friends. *yes just friends* but would day dream about falling in love with them and picturing a life with them. I have never ever been satisfied with what is in front of me when it comes to marriage and have suffered a great deal to try and make myself feel like soulmates or something like that. It didn't come naturally. Truth be told, I think the beginning was more fun because we travelled a lot and went places and he set it up but over time everything became rigid. His reactions I found very unfullfilling to my fun spontanous ways. So after awhile you just don't want to keep putting your dynamic self out there or would rather share it with someone who appreciates it and can jump on board. So thats what I do and did.

This need to always go outside the marriage for emotional fullfillment and spontinatity. Is this normal? Can ADD people be married successfully without all the extra bullsh*t?

Where is the balance? When does an ADD person find that they accept themselves and their flaws to the point where others can accept them too?

I keep asking myself "where is the line?" where is the place where I am balanced enough to have both a successful personal life (free of the burden of daily grips of forgetting to wash dishes or put soda cans away and judgmental assessments) and a successful mindset (feeling good about where I am and what I want and not always feeling guilty because I don't like what everyon else does).

Also, I wonder if anyone else who suffers has the issue of developing separate lives to the point you act on the ideas in your head. I have a whole world in my perspective and I will act that way around certain groups and what not. By that I mean, I have a totally separate life from my significant other that they don't know about ... its like I live two lives at once in order not to deal with the junk in the other. I feel after all these years, this is the most dangerous and hurtful thing I can do, but it feels comfortable to me. I get to live two lives.. one looking married and one happy separated, frustrated artist.

This separatness is what is bringing me to get medicated again. But please tell me if anyone else does this? Do you find away to escape where you are by developing a separate life from your significant other? Is this a symptom or am I just crazy and selfish? Or am I just with the wrong person who I can't feel I can really talk too? I mean, why do I always need people who are really open around me to talk to and yet can't say those things to the person who is supposed to be my best friend? Has ADD become my tragic enemy in marriage? or is it the wrong person?

"People who have ADD often feel unsatisfied and seek novelty and higher levels of stimulation. Did you feel as unsatisfied when you were on meds?"


What I want to know is WHY CAN'T I WANT TO HAVE NOVELTY AND HIGHER LEVELS OF STIMULATION? What the heck is so bad with that? Why does the world seek less when they can have and feel more?

--- ok done with the little rant ----
I don't actually remember, but I do know life was different then and I had different goals and dreams. We had a lot of fun together, then upon marriage he felt the sudden urge to get "serious" and have to provide for me all the time and take care of me all the time. Our relationship grew into a common situation of "parent and child" without the understanding of the effects of ADD. I tried to point it out and get help, but somehow he just didn't get it. He would say, if you dont' want it to be that way... then make it stop being that way. (jesus)

He says the ADD is an excuse for being able to do what I want while he has to work and take care of everything. I find that people are sometimes jealous of ADD people because our percieved freedom. They don't recognize the torment that this freedom brings when we say something stupid or do something wrong and hurt others. We just seem careless...but its not true. (not always)

As far as affairs, I know that I've always had close male friends outside of the relationship and have at some points gotten too close emotionally.. but not close enough to call it an affair. (no kissing or sex or whatnot) But I do require lots of attention and affection, I assume other ADDers are the same?

Here is a simple but short example of what drives me nuts and why I seek others attention:

I show up unexpected to his work to say hello. What does he say? Not "wow, its great to see you" or anything but,
"What are you doing here? Don't you have to do work or be at the office or have a meeting? "

----- this is a prototypical response -----

Now, in reality that response is in every way ligitimate, but at the same time puts a big pile of mud on any niceness that was done by the gesture on the first place. How long can a person get this kind of reaction and be happy? Wouldn't that annoy all you spontanous ADDers out there if every first response was "ugh ?" or "no, what are you doing?" or "don't you need to focus on ____?" before saying "yes, I am happy to see you"

At some point you just feel like a burden on the other persons life and you dont' want to feel that way anymore. They don't think they make you feel that way... but you do. Its not a fun way to live and brings you down a lot. What I can't understand is why someone would continue to put up with my crazyness if they seem so put off by it?

Again, I am trying to find balance. I don't like medications, I feel like everyone else and I like being me. I don't need to be less hyper... i like my energy. I do need to be more focused, though, so I may just try out meds for the hell of it for now. I had bio feedback but don't know anyone that does it in the city and its expensive. But I think it really works. (anyone else do that?)

No one person can satisfy all your needs.

Marriage is often very boring, but sometimes that means you need to work out something with your spouse. Maybe he's bored too. Presumably, you found his "responsible" behaviour appealing when you married him. Presumably, he found your spontaneity appealing. What's going on?

Why did you go off meds before? One quick answer is to try meds again and see what happens. Have you ever talked about medication and ADD with your significant other?Ok, he was there 12 years ago when I had major therapy and I gave him the book to read on ADD couples and I introduced him to my therapist. We had a long talk about it before getting married and I tried to involve him with the therapist as much as possible. He doesn't like therapy, he thinks its a "waste of money and time... when you could just change your actions yourself." (actual words)

I think he figured since things seemed better for awhile, they would just go away and now doesn't understand why they are back.

I do communicate. But at this point in time nothing he says or does can really change anything. I feel too little too late... where were you 3 years ago when I first started talking about my issues and focus and desires and dreams? Why do you only care NOW when I am wanting to leave?

... sorry to air my dirty laundry out like this...but come on 3 years of back and forth bantering and misunderstanding and miscommunication AND only NOW you want to go to thereapy with me? For gods sakes... you've had your chance like a million times. (yes, I am a little angry at the moment)

HI little chicken,

I find your thoughts very interesting as my H is ADD and I am not. I feel this could be what he feels. I was thinking he was going through midlife crisis or something but what you have said could very well be what my h is feeling. We have had some very intimate talks lately and we are working on it. (we have been together for 23 yrs) He also looks for younger females to make "friends" with but I don't feel this is appropriate seeing that we have a 16yr old daughter. He doesn't have much of a relationship with because he says he can't talk to her and vise versa. So this seems difficult for me to understand. But after reading your post I think that could explain him! I may try and have him read your posts to see if he can relate.
I personally feel that you have somehow become distant with your H and he to you, just as us. What helped us was lots and lots of talking and more talking. There are things he forgets about our relationship etc and he seemed to only remember the negative things, in me and in our marriage. This doesn't make things easy but we needed to get back to what we had before (kids, life etc) We needed to get re connected again, to feel the love we had and have for each other. That is hard to do when so many years of not communicating our needs have gone by but we are doing it and realize we have to on a daily basis. Good luck.

At some point you just feel like a burden on the other persons life and you dont' want to feel that way anymore. They don't think they make you feel that way... but you do. Its not a fun way to live and brings you down a lot. What I can't understand is why someone would continue to put up with my crazyness if they seem so put off by it?

My question to you is if he is so put off by your craziness, why would you put up with that?

I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you right now and am coming to the realization that he doesn't actually respect my feelings and actually invalidates them. You mention that he doesn't think he makes you feel a certain way. Well shouldn't you just telling him make him believe it? And shouldn't he want to make an effort to not hurt you?

My relationship is also somewhat like parent/child as well, especially when it comes to things around the house. I'm a big disorganized mess and he's a neat freak. He mainly keeps the house clean but I always feel like a child who is going to be scolded for being messy, as I was as a child.

I've talked to him about these things and he doesn't seem to get it. So I'm starting to realize that unless he is really willing to get it and we can work together, there is no point in continuing the relationship. Up to this point he hasn't shown much effort towards trying to get it.

What I want to know is WHY CAN'T I WANT TO HAVE NOVELTY AND HIGHER LEVELS OF STIMULATION? What the heck is so bad with that? Why does the world seek less when they can have and feel more?Because constant novelty is not how longterm realtionships work, dear. They eventually settle down. The search for constant novelty (meaning that which is new) is counterproductive to a longterm commitment.

Higher levels of stimulation are also unlikely to happen after many years of being together, because one will get to know the other more and more, so less novelty == less NEW stimulation.

As far as affairs, I know that I've always had close male friends outside of the relationship and have at some points gotten too close emotionally.. but not close enough to call it an affair. (no kissing or sex or whatnot) But I do require lots of attention and affection, I assume other ADDers are the same? I would say that possibly other people were the same. For the record, this ADDer is the exact opposite: I require lots of freedom, respect and time to myself in order to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship.

I require lots of freedom, respect and time to myself in order to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship.This is something that I struggle with in my relationship. I'm the ADDer and my boyfriend is pretty serious OCD. It's not a great combo. :p

I'm all for him having time to himself and for me too. I think it is very important to remain an independent person in a relationship but I think he and I don't agree on what "time to yourself" is. My idea of time to yourself is going out alone or with friends, spending a couple of hours many evenings on the computer or reading or doing something else you like doing. Where we seem to differ is that while he is spending his time "alone" at home, if we pass in the hallway or I enter the room he's in, I get almost zero acknowledgement. I often feel like I am invisible. Spending time alone to me does not mean that during that time you forget that there is another person that you share a home with. If he passes me in the hall, couldn't he at least smile in acknowledgement?

The OCD brings about many more issues and I think at least some of this is related but it doesn't seem that it will change. For me, his own world is too big and our combined world is too small. A little more balance would be nice. We'll see what happens. I'm very wishy washy right now about the fate of this relationship. One minute I think it's over, the next not so sure. :confused:

Because constant novelty is not how longterm realtionships work, dear. They eventually settle down. The search for constant novelty (meaning that which is new) is counterproductive to a longterm commitment.

Higher levels of stimulation are also unlikely to happen after many years of being together, because one will get to know the other more and more, so less novelty == less NEW stimulation.Thanks for saying that so well crazyfeet!! I just wonder if ADD plays a bigger part in wanting "more" in a longterm relationship. There are so many divorces because of ADD. But non-ADD relationships can also have one needing "more" which can also lead to divorce.

I also wonder if some ADDers inability to communicate (about there needs etc) well, and because they are so "in the moment" with things, meaning they say they really would like to get into something they just seen but then they drop it, makes it very hard for the non-ADDer to distinguish between what they truly do want and what is just an "in the moment" thing. I have to admit that I brush off alot of what my H says because I can't tell what it really important to him or not. That is where I see alot of the problems in our communicating. Maybe that is why it takes people to the point of saying they want to end the relationship because they maybe haven't communicated that something is "really" important to them to the point that they other understands this importance. I can say this for our relationship, and being that ADDers tend to be more selfcenterd, it is more difficult for them to "get" the importance of things to others because it is hard enough to "get" what is truly important to them sometimes.
This can also explain the need to buy things. They want to get into something, buy all the stuff, try it for awhile, then move on to the next thing, which they again need to buy whatever to get them going, and on and on....
Then it leads to the non-ADDer having to say NO to things which leads to the feeling of parent/child relationship......

"There are things he forgets about our relationship etc and he seemed to only remember the negative things, in me and in our marriage. This doesn't make things easy but we needed to get back to what we had before (kids, life etc) We needed to get re connected again, to feel the love we had and have for each other."

THis is true for me as well. I often only remember the negative for some reason. I think its because those are the things that bug me and I can't seem to communicate change. I don't just want change, i pretty much demand it and its hard for a non ADD to do that quickly without resentment or a feeling of loss. I also find it painful to remember the good things, because it makes me realize how much I hurt him...so remembering them means ackowledging a baddness in yourself and a pain within.

In general I've realized that I cope with change and loss differently. I retreat and/or become nostalgic.. this means I am not present in the reality which I live. If something becomes a memory, it no longer exists and therefore its easier to move on ... and on... and on again.

After my anger (above posts), he is now being super sweet while I pretty much distance myself from him and he trys to understand.

I am getting to the point where I feel I want to move out and just be on my own but its scary. I tend to want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it I cut the person off. I have a really hard time understanding a lack of impulsiveness... its almost illogical to me.

"Because constant novelty is not how longterm realtionships work, dear. They eventually settle down. The search for constant novelty (meaning that which is new) is counterproductive to a longterm commitment.

Higher levels of stimulation are also unlikely to happen after many years of being together, because one will get to know the other more and more, so less novelty == less NEW stimulation."

Great stuff Crazy Feet. It makes me again think I don't belong in a long term relationship simply because that need for Novelty isn't going to change... it just isn't. I've been this way for so long and worked very hard just to be where I am. You get weary after awhile and want to give in to being yourself because the constant trying is exhausting. Its like chronic overweight people who can't really help it but fight it all the time. I see me saying this and it sounds like an excuse... but when can this not be an excuse and become an acceptance of self? I want to love myself for who I am and how do you do that when important things about you doesn't fit "societies" ideal of a relationship or marriage or commitment?

I have other things I want to fight for, like my work and my legacy in my field and my reputation in my work. (sounds lonely though). Those things I can't totally control, but they bend and flex and move in a way thats comfortable. Marriage seems rigid.

Truth be told. At this point there is nothing my partner can do. Talking to him only hurts his feelings... so I avoid it. I cannot communicate with him now without hurting him totally and that is the hardest part... he wants to talk to me and know whats going on. But what I have to say is hurtful and damaging

UPDATE:
He forced words out of me the other day and I just broke down and cried and said "I don't know if I want to be married or if I like marriage at all so how can I commit to anything with you right now? How can I focus on us when I am learning that I don't fit into the confinds of what marriage is for you?" I was screeeming crying yelling and it was so painful. I told him to just be weary of me because I am like a viper snake and can lash out at any moment... I also realized how majorly confused I am about my feelings for him and another person which I've become infatuated with. I see something and just want to go for it and when I can't I become angry and feel caged and mad at the person who is chaining me down. This makes me very difficult and I don't want to burden him anymore with my uncontrollable emotions and demands. Thats the main reason for wanting to get out.

I am guessing that ADD people are meant to be in open relationships or in something more flexible for sure. On 5 years, off 1, on 5 years, off 1 ... ect...

We live so freaking long, how could one relationship possibly satisfy? I dont' think it can.

I also find it painful to remember the good things, because it makes me realize how much I hurt him...so remembering them means ackowledging a baddness in yourself and a pain within.


I am getting to the point where I feel I want to move out and just be on my own but its scary. I tend to want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it I cut the person off. I have a really hard time understanding a lack of impulsiveness... its almost illogical to me.

"Because constant novelty is not how longterm realtionships work, dear. They eventually settle down. The search for constant novelty (meaning that which is new) is counterproductive to a longterm commitment.

Higher levels of stimulation are also unlikely to happen after many years of being together, because one will get to know the other more and more, so less novelty == less NEW stimulation."

Great stuff Crazy Feet. It makes me again think I don't belong in a long term relationship simply because that need for Novelty isn't going to change... it just isn't. I've been this way for so long and worked very hard just to be where I am. You get weary after awhile and want to give in to being yourself because the constant trying is exhausting. Its like chronic overweight people who can't really help it but fight it all the time. I see me saying this and it sounds like an excuse... but when can this not be an excuse and become an acceptance of self? I want to love myself for who I am and how do you do that when important things about you doesn't fit "societies" ideal of a relationship or marriage or commitment?

I have other things I want to fight for, like my work and my legacy in my field and my reputation in my work. (sounds lonely though). Those things I can't totally control, but they bend and flex and move in a way thats comfortable. Marriage seems rigid.

Truth be told. At this point there is nothing my partner can do. Talking to him only hurts his feelings... so I avoid it.

UPDATE:
I also realized how majorly confused I am about my feelings for him and another person which I've become infatuated with. I see something and just want to go for it and when I can't I become angry and feel caged and mad at the person who is chaining me down. This makes me very difficult and I don't want to burden him anymore with my uncontrollable emotions and demands. Thats the main reason for wanting to get out.

I am guessing that ADD people are meant to be in open relationships or in something more flexible for sure. On 5 years, off 1, on 5 years, off 1 ... ect...

We live so freaking long, how could one relationship possibly satisfy? I dont' think it can.
There is nothing saying you have to live your life a certain way. After all, it is your life. But when your way of living life affects others that are not aware of your views that is not fair to them. You keep saying how you don't like to hurt him yet you are doing everything TO hurt him.
You can go from infatuation to infatuation all through life but there will be alot of hurt. I realize your way of dealing with your guilt of hurting someone, by moving on and forgetting, is easy for you but it also is very selfish. If you feel so strongly about how wrong marriage and commitment is, then why did you marry?
I don't know you or your H but from what I read, I feel very sorry for him. We all (ADD or NOT) can be infatuated and have times of wanting to do what we want, but most can control the impulsiveness and selfishness. We all can find a reason or excuse to have an affair, many do, but it is not right if the other person is unaware and not in agreement with it. We all know that life is easier if we only thought of ourselves, but what a crappy world that would be! Maybe you cannot see it that way.
I guess I just feel it unfair that people feel the way you do and "fool" people into thinking they are someone else. Hurting people, I am sure, is not your inttentions, but that is what you will be doing and for someone who can't stand being reminded of the pain you cause, what a mess you leave behind. But then moving on for you is your way of forgetting all about others, only yourself.
I find that sad but maybe if I could "disable" my memory it wouldn't hurt so bad and I could move on too when things get down. Life is all about ups and downs and I guess I choose to deal with the downs instead of running from them. Just my view as non-ADD spouse.......

Whatever happens will happen and good luck whichever way it goes

You have been trying, little_chicken. You have been trying to lead a life as you thought it ought to be. Now you feel maybe you cannot live that way. There's nothing right or wrong about that -- it just is.

Whatever happens I hope things work out for the best.

There is nothing saying you have to live your life a certain way. After all, it is your life. But when your way of living life affects others that are not aware of your views that is not fair to them. You keep saying how you don't like to hurt him yet you are doing everything TO hurt him.
You can go from infatuation to infatuation all through life but there will be alot of hurt. I realize your way of dealing with your guilt of hurting someone, by moving on and forgetting, is easy for you but it also is very selfish. If you feel so strongly about how wrong marriage and commitment is, then why did you marry?
I don't know you or your H but from what I read, I feel very sorry for him. We all (ADD or NOT) can be infatuated and have times of wanting to do what we want, but most can control the impulsiveness and selfishness. We all can find a reason or excuse to have an affair, many do, but it is not right if the other person is unaware and not in agreement with it. We all know that life is easier if we only thought of ourselves, but what a crappy world that would be! Maybe you cannot see it that way.
I guess I just feel it unfair that people feel the way you do and "fool" people into thinking they are someone else. Hurting people, I am sure, is not your inttentions, but that is what you will be doing and for someone who can't stand being reminded of the pain you cause, what a mess you leave behind. But then moving on for you is your way of forgetting all about others, only yourself.
I find that sad but maybe if I could "disable" my memory it wouldn't hurt so bad and I could move on too when things get down. Life is all about ups and downs and I guess I choose to deal with the downs instead of running from them. Just my view as non-ADD spouse.......I couldn't have said it any better.

Here is a simple but short example of what drives me nuts and why I seek others attention:

I show up unexpected to his work to say hello. What does he say? Not "wow, its great to see you" or anything but,
"What are you doing here? Don't you have to do work or be at the office or have a meeting? "

----- this is a prototypical response -----

Now, in reality that response is in every way ligitimate, but at the same time puts a big pile of mud on any niceness that was done by the gesture on the first place. How long can a person get this kind of reaction and be happy? Wouldn't that annoy all you spontanous ADDers out there if every first response was "ugh ?" or "no, what are you doing?" or "don't you need to focus on ____?" before saying "yes, I am happy to see you"

At some point you just feel like a burden on the other persons life and you dont' want to feel that way anymore. They don't think they make you feel that way... but you do. Its not a fun way to live and brings you down a lot.
Welcome to the forums. You will find this site "the" best ADHD resource on the web. You will find a lot of people here which you can relate to.

Your right the above is a very typical response to be surprised. Most people would probably respond this way. You even acknowledge it. Then your mind goes into overdrive and starts over analyzing. You should focus on "was he visibly happy to see you?" You were expecting him to respond or react your way. When he didn't, you turned it against him. He became the bad guy. He did nothing wrong.

Now if he would have yelled at you, belittled you, or put you down, that's a different story.

What I can't understand is why someone would continue to put up with my crazyness if they seem so put off by it?
You admit part of the problem right here. You are correct. Why would someone put up with it? Maybe they love that person and can see past all off the quirks and perceived negativity.

Do you require a lot of "venting". Does your husband listen to you? I mean really listen and not try to fix situations. Do you require a lot of "venting"?

Thanks for posting. I know it may seem like my reply is not supporting you. I am only trying to help you see the other side. You can only control your feelings. No one elses.

[QUOTE=little_chicken]
I find that people are sometimes jealous of ADD people because our percieved freedom. They don't recognize the torment that this freedom brings when we say something stupid or do something wrong and hurt others. We just seem careless...but its not true. (not always)

But I do require lots of attention and affection, I assume other ADDers are the same?

At some point you just feel like a burden on the other persons life and you dont' want to feel that way anymore. QUOTE]

Okay. You want the freedom and the thrills of novelty, but they "torment" you. They torment you when you do something stupid or hurt others. Obviously, you can recognize the possible consequences of what you declare that you want -- spontaneity, novelty and thrills -- but you seem to care only about the consequences for you -- the torment. So if other people will agree to not be hurt and shield you from the possible fallout from your "stupid" actions, it'll be okay?

You don't want to have to feel weighed down by the fact that someone else is taking care of you -- I assume that that's what you mean by feeling like a burden -- but you admit that you're high maintenance and require a lot of "attention and affection".

So what you want is a life of endless novelty,and thrills without having to face the consequences or feel any guilt about what others may feel? And you want them to give you all the attention you need for as long as it feels exciting and then to disappear without a making you feel bad when you're tired of them?

This might be a difficult goal to achieve. You may want to rethink your plan.

Naturally, little_chicken, this is not an easy situation for either you or your husband, but if you decide to go the divorce route there's nothing that says you cannot lead a happy life on your own and not hurt people more than any other person. There's nothing wrong with not settling down, but rather have a stream of shorter or longer relationships, as long as your open about it to prospective parnters.
I don't know if you really want to go the divorce route though.

I don't understand it like you only want to not hurt people to save yourself from the torment.

I don't know if it's only me, but I feel there's a lot of interpreting little_chicken's words in the worst possible way in this thread.

Haven't we all felt tormented for disappointing people or not living up to their expectations?

I'm not asking people to be sugarcoated all agreeing, but this is a person looking for support at a difficult time in her life. Please consider that.

Little background:

Also, I wonder if anyone else who suffers has the issue of developing separate lives to the point you act on the ideas in your head. I have a whole world in my perspective and I will act that way around certain groups and what not. By that I mean, I have a totally separate life from my significant other that they don't know about ... its like I live two lives at once in order not to deal with the junk in the other. I feel after all these years, this is the most dangerous and hurtful thing I can do, but it feels comfortable to me. I get to live two lives.. one looking married and one happy separated, frustrated artist.

This separatness is what is bringing me to get medicated again. But please tell me if anyone else does this? Do you find away to escape where you are by developing a separate life from your significant other? Is this a symptom or am I just crazy and selfish? Or am I just with the wrong person who I can't feel I can really talk too? I mean, why do I always need people who are really open around me to talk to and yet can't say those things to the person who is supposed to be my best friend? Has ADD become my tragic enemy in marriage? or is it the wrong person?
I totally know what you mean, I have been married for 14 years and just seperated from my wife three days ago. I am at work so I wont go though the whole story (besides I tend to ramble with long posts) But basically I married my wife even though I was not comforable with the idea. We moved to Italy for 3 years and things were fairly good (although I still felt left wanting). However, once we moved back to a "normal" life back in the states things got really bad. Although my wife is a good person and helped provided a stable life and wonderful daughter I felt a great deal of emptiness (love or lust?) inside me that eventually cosumed me. I turned to the internet hope help fill the void and made many female internet "friends" over the past 10 years literally creating a seperate vitual life. Meanwhile My wife spent her time doing many of her own activities such as Womens club and voluteer activities and we pretty much lived as friends and roommates.

I was finally Dx'ed with Inattentive ADHD and Chronic depression back in May and am still being treated (with little progress). But by then it was to late. I had pretty much moved on and meet someone online I really wanted to be with and allowed me to overcoming my guilt of leaving (however we have broken up since). We tried Marriage counsiling however thank only caused me to develope anxiety and sent me into deep depression. Anyhow this is pretty much the short version of the story with many details left out (but I will be more than happy to continue the conversation) But yeah, I know exatly what you mean.

This separatness is what is bringing me to get medicated again. But please tell me if anyone else does this? Do you find away to escape where you are by developing a separate life from your significant other? Is this a symptom or am I just crazy and selfish? Or am I just with the wrong person who I can't feel I can really talk too? I mean, why do I always need people who are really open around me to talk to and yet can't say those things to the person who is supposed to be my best friend? Has ADD become my tragic enemy in marriage? or is it the wrong person?No you're definitely not alone. I am 30 as well, and I am suffering the same pains as you. I have been with my wife a total of 11 years (only been married 3). Those early years were great because we didn't live together, so every time we got together, it was planned time. Yes we had ups and downs, but we were free of the pressures of maintaining a joint household.

The marriage dynamic seems to suck the life out of a relationship for those with ADD. I can't stand to be around my wife as much now, and I escape to my "bat-cave" as she calls it. I spend alot of time screwing around on the computer, or out with friends. I want her to have a separate life now. The f*cked up thing is that she is supposed to be my soulmate. My number one companion, and I don't want to be around her. I got married because she was the love of my life, and now I can't stand to be around her.

I find myself talking to other women and finding them attractive on both an emotional and physical level. I've never acted on any of it, but the sentiment is there. She's at a point now where she doesn't know wether to stay with me or leave. She just wants to be happy again. I don't know that I can give that to her.

:(

Thanks for saying that so well crazyfeet!! I just wonder if ADD plays a bigger part in wanting "more" in a longterm relationship. There are so many divorces because of ADD. But non-ADD relationships can also have one needing "more" which can also lead to divorce.
That's exactly where my marriage is at now, and really where my relationship has always been. There are times when I felt like I had finally accomplished something and wanted to sit back and enjoy the moment. But my wife is constantly thinking of "What's next?"...

It stifles my enjoyment whenever she would do that. I just wanna say "can't you just slow down for one second and enjoy the moment?!?!? GAWD!!"

IT's just extremely frustrating. And after years of that, I just don't wanna talk to her anymore out of fear that she'll criticize it or say something negative about it.

Great stuff Crazy Feet. It makes me again think I don't belong in a long term relationship simply because that need for Novelty isn't going to change... it just isn't. I've been this way for so long and worked very hard just to be where I am. You get weary after awhile and want to give in to being yourself because the constant trying is exhausting. Its like chronic overweight people who can't really help it but fight it all the time. I see me saying this and it sounds like an excuse... but when can this not be an excuse and become an acceptance of self? I want to love myself for who I am and how do you do that when important things about you doesn't fit "societies" ideal of a relationship or marriage or commitment?
God, I am so you right now, except in male form. When i was in High School, I realized that I am exactly the way I was meant to be. As nature intended.
When I met my wife, all that changed. And now I'm just a confused mess.


I have other things I want to fight for, like my work and my legacy in my field and my reputation in my work. (sounds lonely though). Those things I can't totally control, but they bend and flex and move in a way thats comfortable. Marriage seems rigid.

Truth be told. At this point there is nothing my partner can do. Talking to him only hurts his feelings... so I avoid it. I cannot communicate with him now without hurting him totally and that is the hardest part... he wants to talk to me and know whats going on. But what I have to say is hurtful and damaging

UPDATE:
He forced words out of me the other day and I just broke down and cried and said "I don't know if I want to be married or if I like marriage at all so how can I commit to anything with you right now? How can I focus on us when I am learning that I don't fit into the confinds of what marriage is for you?" I was screeeming crying yelling and it was so painful. I told him to just be weary of me because I am like a viper snake and can lash out at any moment... I also realized how majorly confused I am about my feelings for him and another person which I've become infatuated with. I see something and just want to go for it and when I can't I become angry and feel caged and mad at the person who is chaining me down. This makes me very difficult and I don't want to burden him anymore with my uncontrollable emotions and demands. Thats the main reason for wanting to get out.

I am guessing that ADD people are meant to be in open relationships or in something more flexible for sure. On 5 years, off 1, on 5 years, off 1 ... ect...

We live so freaking long, how could one relationship possibly satisfy? I dont' think it can.Exactly!! I don't think it can. But We bow so much to "Society's" demands, that it's unacceptable. And to tell my wife this would only hurt her. She wants us to be able to communicate, but the only things I have to say are going to hurt her. I say it again, I am so f*cking you right now!! And it sucks!! I don't want it to be this way!! But I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter.

I've been spending most of my morning reading this entire thread and going over my marriage simultaneously. On the one hand, we as ADDers tend to not take into account other people's feelings as we are so attatched to our own beliefs, and believing that we are in the right. On the other hand it would be nice to just be able to see it from both sides and try to work out a compromise, but our condition makes this a difficult task.

For the non-ADDers who sit back and judge us and tell us to look at it from the other side, I'd ask you to do the same. We live our lives with alot of guilt and shame and torment because we're told that what we're doing is wrong. When in reality, it's just how we were born. We didn't ask for this! If it would make our lives easier to be rid of it we would gladly do so. In fact many have, through medications and therapy. Some of us still cling to the belief, however, that maybe society is just wrong about us. We are what we are and we don't want to feel ashamed about it, nor should we, but it all comes back to the stigma that's attached to ADD/ADHD. People just look at us funny, or view or actions negatively. It's not an easy thing to live with. When one says they "Suffer" from ADD or ADHD, they truly mean it. We suffer emotionally and tend to keep it locked up until it festers, and boils over. Self doubt, shame, guilt. We truly do "suffer" from this affliction.

OK, done with the rant. Sorry, just had to get it out. Stepping off the soapbox now.

Certainly there is no excuse for the way I've treated my wife in the past. But things build up over time, that we never really let go of. And it's usually the small stuff. I don't know how much longer our marriage will hold out. We're basically roommates (with benefits) at this point, and there's no telling how much longer that will last.

My main point here is to offer sympathy to little_chicken for what she is going through. I am going through what seems to be exactly the same situation. The Parent/Child thing, having feelings for other members of the opposite sex but not acting upon it. Not being able to communicate how you really feel because you know it's going to hurt them. Maybe it is a bit selfish, but the fact that we don't want to hurt them I think says alot also. We still love them, but we can't live with them because it's driving us nuts!

Anyway, that's my $1.09 for the day.

This is only my opinion....I don't see how any of it has anything to do with ADD? I would never do anything to my husband or act in any way that I would not want him to do to me. It's that simple. I think it's a big cop out when a person says they can't tell someone how they really feel because they don't want to hurt them. You don't think lieing and pretending will hurt them more? It's an excuse and the easy way out.

First of all let me say that reading all of your comments have both been very interesting for me. I don't feel as alone and at the same time I FEEL WAY WORSE and seem to be on a spiral of self distrcution.

But feeling means your alive I guess.

Here are some Quotes I am responding to:

"So what you want is a life of endless novelty,and thrills without having to face the consequences or feel any guilt about what others may feel? And you want them to give you all the attention you need for as long as it feels exciting and then to disappear without a making you feel bad when you're tired of them?

<!-- / message --><!-- controls --> This might be a difficult goal to achieve. You may want to rethink your plan."

Yes. It is a difficult plan. I have no idea how in the world that can work out for anyone and they be happy. So, for someone like me I guess that means a life of complete emptyness and pain. Wonderful (yes I am sarcastic...)


"" This is only my opinion....I don't see how any of it has anything to do with ADD? I would never do anything to my husband or act in any way that I would not want him to do to me. It's that simple. I think it's a big cop out when a person says they can't tell someone how they really feel because they don't want to hurt them. You don't think lieing and pretending will hurt them more? It's an excuse and the easy way out."""

Ah. the old its not ADD thing. Well, you may be right in sooo many ways and your words go through my head all the time. This escapism happens all the time to non -ADD people too.

There is one flaw to that logic. "I would never" means that I actually have to be able to think of something other than the moment I am in and when I escape, nothing else exists... nothing. Not my job, my dad's impending death, my lack of funds, my dying dog, my over-worked and sometimes unaffectionate husband. I do not exist in the reality you do. I just don't, so then to think of the things I do as hurting would to be admitting that I am back in my life.

My brain just turns off. There is literally almost a click in my head that says, "don't feel anymore pain... don't suffer... don't worry be happy." I can't explain it, just can't no matter how horrible it sounds to me.

Whats worse is I see myself from the perspective of others sometimes and I see my ways and its like "hey stop that!" but I can't. I told my therapist I literally need someone to come into my life and stop me and watch me right now, I am out of control.

Things have worsend because of it and the worse they get the more I seek refuge in my online and pretend world.

I think I've done irreversable damage at this point. And its like "how did I get here, why didn't my therapist or someone hear me when I said 2 months ago... someone help me? I need intervention I am out of control?"

I didn't just make those words up, I could feel the train wreck going to happen. Now I am a train wreck and have been asked in all my broken pieces to move out.

I feel like I just watched this from afar and have no idea how I got in this mess. Like the two "me's" collided in a horrible painful and heart wrenching accident.

Here is my rant:
No excuses, right? No way someone can feel horrible and not be able to control themselves, right? I had better just learn to think before my actions, right?

WELL YEA.. DUH - you can tell me that all day but it doesn't make it so. THAT is my problem with ADD. Sometimes I just jump off a cliff and don't realize it until I am halfway down.

AND apparently under the extreme amount of stress I am under (dying dad, underpaid + pressure in my field to succeed with thousands of eyes watching me (I am a top person), dog dying and more) I crumble into another world.

SO, the exuse (if I am allowed to have one) is:
I guess I don't take stress very well and I guess ADD kind of flairs up when it happens. The problem is, its my best friend that I've hurt during this process and now I won't have him either.

No dad, no dog, no hubby. What a way to live.

Do you require a lot of "venting". Does your husband listen to you? I mean really listen and not try to fix situations. Do you require a lot of "venting"?

Thanks for posting. I know it may seem like my reply is not supporting you. I am only trying to help you see the other side. You can only control your feelings. No one elses.Yes. I need a lot of venting and I think he does too. I've been concerned that I am the only one in his life that he is really close too and relies on. He doesn't seem to have super close friends he can talk things out with.

This makes me.. on top of everything else.. his place to vent release anger and thoughts.

This is not all bad as it helps communication, but its a lot to be someones "one and all" It just adds to the pressures of life. Doesn't it?

So, to answer your question. Yes, I require a lot of venting and ranting about sometimes.

My friend sent me this which would have helped like 2 years ago if my hubby would have read it. (he doesn't seem to read the things I send him)

PERFECT FOR THE NON-ADD SPOUSE:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html


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little chicken -

Loving your spouse is often a choice - not something you're swept away by - just as caring for and loving your child. Noone I know jumps up and down to change a diaper...you do all of the "have tos" to earn the "I can't wait tos"

Any chance you can still try to communicate with your husband or has too much damage taken place?

little chicken -

Loving your spouse is often a choice - not something you're swept away by - just as caring for and loving your child. Noone I know jumps up and down to change a diaper...you do all of the "have tos" to earn the "I can't wait tos"

Any chance you can still try to communicate with your husband or has too much damage taken place?ReadHead.. I read the post before you changed it and glad you took out all the judgemental stuff. I was very hurt by it. Moving on...
I have hurt him with my thoughts and have pushed him away both physically and emotionally and I feel horrible about how he feels... that is a GIVEN! He is my best friend. We have a communication problem and its gotten so bad... its not tha we don't communicate its that we don't do it effectively and then I just shut down ... in a defensive way. He used to yell a lot, but I don't hear yelling I just tune it out because its too harsh.


He and I talked last night and he told me he just can't live like this anymore. I cried very hard and he asked "why are you crying? you knew this was coming?"


I thought that was cold. But he's hurt and defensive and I've said some cruel things to him in the past that he is still realing from. So I am trying to ignore those kinds of comments as they are defense mechanisms.

I still see a glimmer of hope for fixing this thing. I can see it, but it will take tons of work and therapy. We don't have a game plan that works together... he has a vision of us and I have a vision of us and they are different. (thats what the therapist says) We have to have a unified vision.

I don't know if he can commit to that kind of work at the moment. He's fairly broken and emotionally drained. I guess we'll see what happens.

In the meantime I contiue to do therapy and try and help myself become a more well rounded person who lives with distraction but is not consumed by it. The only thing I can truly work on right now is myself. I keep thinking how can I work on us when the "me" is all messed up?

My first post was after I'd only read page 1 - missed page 2 entirely! I wasn't trying to be judgemental or hurtful - but sharing my view/insight from where I sit - I gain nothing by reaching out to hurt you.

Maybe a different look at what is going on between you - I posted elsewhere that my husband and I are reading "Real Love in marriage" by Greg Baer - and it speaks from the point of both people in a relationship wanting to be unconditionally loved - warts and all. It doesn't ever mention ADD (giving it a rest has been nice between my ADD H & I) but it describes the defensive protecting behaviors everyone uses, why we do it and what we're really seeking from our partner.
Anyway - it's hard to hear how much pain you both are in.

Hi little chicken,

After reading your last posts, I see a different side to this than the first page. I have a H that could be going through the same thing as you about the need to find "another" because he couldn't talk to me. He was "caught" so to speak and the walls came crashing down. We had many long, long, emotional conversations that haven't be able to happen for quite a while because of his focus on his new job with a new company which I saw as a BIG problem( not the job, but the hyperfocus on pleasing the people). I saw the "change" in him but everytime I tried to talk about it with him it was a nightmare. He couldn't "see" what I was "seeing" and only saw my reactions. That led him to push away more, then the inevitable happens, blaming me for his not being able to talk to me which led him to seek "others". Can you see how things snowball and I do see ADD as part of this even though this can happen in non-ADD relationships.
It is all about communication. We are going to a psychologist to help us learn and it takes both to want to work through it.
I find in marriage both partners have to be in the same "zone" at the same time in order to understand where the other is coming from. If one gets into a negative "zone" it leads to blaming the way things are on the other, ADD or not. It is just easier for the non-ADDer to see this but it is just as frustrating for us to see it and not be able to get them to talk because now they have got it into their head that WE are the reason they can't talk to us. I think the guilt of what he was "doing" was easier to blame it on me than to talk about his feelings "before" he went that far. I have been here waiting for so long for him to talk about what was going on but he saw me as the enemy, maybe because he wanted to do what he wanted and I was in his way! his guilty conscience maybe.
I don't know if I am getting my point across using my relationship as some examples, but your husband needs to understand your side too, as I, and if he can, I believe you can work it out with help, if thats what you want too. Total honesty is important for me in a relationship, no secrets so to speak. That can be hard to deal with when impulsiveness is a trait of ADD.

About the "why should I have to conform to everyone else" way of thinking about ADD, nobody says you have to. But if you hate the guilt and pain of hurting others (not on purpose) then why should you have to suffer? I just think that if meds or learning to change behavior etc can help you not have this guilt of what you have caused others, then why not? It benefits you as well as the people you care for.

Its kind of like having bad eyesight ,getting into car crashes and complaining that you can't see--- but won't wear glasses! I am not trying to "pick on you" by any means, just trying to help you see a non-ADDers side and I do try to understand what the ADDer is coping with. You can't be in a relationship and not try to understand what the other is all about, ADD or not.

In the meantime I contiue to do therapy and try and help myself become a more well rounded person who lives with distraction but is not consumed by it. The only thing I can truly work on right now is myself. I keep thinking how can I work on us when the "me" is all messed up?
So sorry you are feeling this way. :( I was in a similar situation about 3 years ago and I know how you are feeling.

Being constantly mindful of your quote above will be a major help. I am glad you recognize it. Most people don't. Being AD/HD (impatient/wanting a quick fix) doesn't help the situation. Unfortunately, things will never be the same as they were. But they can be better, it is just going to take time and a lot of work and committment.

Hang in there and continue to focus on yourself. ;) You can vent to us anytime. The forums are a great suppliment to therapy.

Hi little chicken,

I don't know if I am getting my point across using my relationship as some examples, but your husband needs to understand your side too, as I, and if he can, I believe you can work it out with help, if thats what you want too. Total honesty is important for me in a relationship, no secrets so to speak. That can be hard to deal with when impulsiveness is a trait of ADD.
....
Its kind of like having bad eyesight ,getting into car crashes and complaining that you can't see--- but won't wear glasses! I am not trying to "pick on you" by any means, just trying to help you see a non-ADDers side and I do try to understand what the ADDer is coping with. You can't be in a relationship and not try to understand what the other is all about, ADD or not.You and RedHead are coming across lound and clear. This is a really funny analagy and helpful. I think with time and hard work I can find my way out of this "loop" we get ourselves into. But can he overcome things and get into therapy? I don't know and that worries me.

He hates therapy and says it doesn't ever work out with a resolution that satisfies and he gets nothing out of this. I wish I was making that up. I tend to have a strong reaction to that and say, therapy only works when you want it too.. and results are not always concrete.

I've asked for another week to see how he feels. Right now he says, he just wants me to leave because he can't live this way. I think its still too soon and that is hurt talking.

You all can see how my posts are changing day to day as I go through this. I don't think "he" is the problem for sure... I just want him to want to undersand some more. And its frustrating. My therapist called him rigid and he didn't like that. But I did. I get worried about trying to keep things together when I hear things like "I shouldn't have to deal with these things in my life, I shouldn't have to have a wife who is against me." These are deep rooted painful feelings and they come out as passive aggressive and say a lot about his mindset. Its like "why doesn't she just fit, darn it!" Whats tough is that right now he doesn't see that as something that pushes me away... but it does. It says to me, "I can't accept you the way you are and I want you like "this." "

Does any of this make sense? I want this to be about me and my issues because I can learn to control myself (eventually). But that kind of stuff, is it fixable? Can I live with that? Can he change his attitude with some work? I just don't know.

By the way, I have cut off the person I was a infatuated with. I don't have the time nor energy to deal with that and it only make things worse. Too bad though as he is a very helpful person and someone i may want to work with someday.

I've realized I really need more gals in my field of work, so I can be close and work close without becoming interested or have emotional attachment. Not a lot of women in my industry, or they are really boring (sorry to say).

Hi little chicken,

I hope I haven't offended you at all, that was not my intentions. I also don't know your H so it is very hard to comment on what he is feeling. If he truly is as you say (about the therapy etc) then that is sad, sad for HIM. Remember, you are trying to help yourself and that also relates to your relationship, and if he can't see this then what more can you do but to continue for yourself.
One suggestion that I have though, and this was advice from a family therapist aquaintance (not hired!) It is very important to find a counselor/therapist/psyhcologist etc that YOU BOTH feel comfortable with and at no time in a session together should any therapist make any comment to either of you that could cause bad feelings etc. She told me that there are many in the field (she worked with many different ones) that have different styles etc but with couples or families, this is where some can make things actually worse!
Just a suggestion, maybe you should try a different one for the two of you. You can still go to the one you are comfortable with but maybe your H just doesn't click or feels he/she knows you better so he feels picked on. These therapists etc can really change peoples way of thinking and if they can do that you want them to be understanding of what you want, not what they think you should do.
I have had friends that have split up because of marriage counselling, instead of the counselor trying to teach them how to deal with their differences. This was my fear about going, that they were going to have some kind of control or warped views, and my H fear was he was going to have to "re-live" all the "bad" and he just didn't think he could do it. Well so far so good but I really looked hard to find this one, as I was advised, ask how they deal with issues, their methods etc.
I hope your H can take that step, it seems to be harder for men. I am very glad to hear you stopped that "interest" with this man. You are right in that you don't need to add to the "problems" in your life and the number 1 place that affairs etc happen are in the workplace. It is very hard to be with the opposite sex (or same for some) for the majority of the time and not feel a closeness, especially if there are problems at home and you can't seem to talk about it with your spouse, its easier to talk to an "outsider". That then makes you feel this person is much more suited for you, more understanding etc, but your not in a relationship with them either!
Just curious, what industry are you in? Sounds good!!! Just meaning, I don't work, well at a job, I am a mom, and host mom for international students now. When I did work, it was in accounting depts. and I hated it!!! It was all women in my office and what katty, judgemental b--ches they can be. At times very depressing. Males don't tend to be that way... Anyways, I really hope your H comes around and can open up his mind but if he can't its his loss and keep learning more for yourself.

Mrs A: you do not offend me. I am just bouncing from one emotion to another at the moment. Trying to understand what got me here.

Not knowing if its just me or its actually the relationship and communication issues and him too. That is the hard part. I mean, if its truly me than that is mostly fixable or at least adjustable. Right?

I've pushed my guy so far... which is what ADDers do to test boundaries and such. I don't know if he'll ever bounce back or be able to cope with me or my ways. He is so angry at the moment, I can't see him and he can't see me.

It is hard to know to leave if its just a period of anger. But I think my pushing has made him see life differently and that is very hard for him to take. He said something today that he couldn't do a deal because I've changed his life. I thought, what do I have to do with you investing in a property or not? I mean really... he makes all the money and he knows what he's doing. I think thats nuts.

He's had this vision of the future and I think he's thought its shared all this time and I am along for the ride. But now, he sees.. wait a second you mean that is not her vision too? That is not her idea of a perfect later life? and then BAM! He is totally caught off guard. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.

Maybe I did agree to that vision of the future, but I bop around and change a lot... he stays steady. He'll be rich someday no doubt about it with the way he sees things.

I keep asking myself: Am I just impatient for the life that he promised? I mean he works so much and is stressed so much to make that dream come true its hard for me to see that at 40 we'll be traveling around and sunning it up with no stress or crazy work schedules.

I like his idea of the future, it just sucks so much right now. Really. Its hard to stay motivated and my 40's should be when I get really successful and may want to work more or have lots of work plans and deadlines.

OK... I am rambling again. See how much there is going on in my head? So much its overwhelming.

I've been thinking alot and started to notice an added stress: the "kids" thing. Well that plus my dads diagnosis of terminal cancer kind of put me over the edge. When my husband didn't just jump in and want kids with me, somewhere deep inside said I'd better find someone who does. He didn't think I was ready for kids or stable enough for them... I wanted him to "jump off the cliff" and dive into the idea with me. I took it as He didn't believe in me or want me. I mean really to a woman that could be very traumatic. I wish he could see that as a major factor of me escaping. Because it was.

It was like that... so subtle at the time, such a small voice in the back of my head I didn't even see it. Now looking back I see the signs, I remember talking to my cousins and saying "I don't understand, he needs to change soon or we'll never have kids. He doesn't give me that look or feeling of love when I talk about it. "

Just watching people have babies on TV brings me to tears. Writing those worlds brings me to tears. I am learning a lot about myself thorugh this, I wish he could forgive me and have a heart for my desparation.

Can hormones for wanting kids drive women over the edge? Can a feeling of rejection of children drive a gal over? I think I could be a great mom... a little disorganized but fun, smart caring. I do teaching on the side and like that.

Oh.. you asked what I do, lets just say I work with electronics.

Little Chicken,

I think one of the worst mistakes a person can make in a marriage is mindreading. When my husband makes a comment to me or about me it goes through my filter of life experiences. My filter is made up of feelings of rejection, fear, abandoment, worthlessness etc because of the things that happened in my past. So I take his comment and spin it through my filter and come out with something that about 95% of the time is not what he meant or what he was thinking. So unless your husband says the words "i don't believe in you or want you" it's not really fair to either of you to assume it. When I find myself doing this, it's usually a reflection on the way I feel about myself but projecting on my husband.
The first few year of my marriage I did not know who I was. I let my husband define me, think for me. If I told him I feel a certain way he would sau no, thats wrong or you don't feel like that. He saw me as an extension of him. Obviously you can only live this way for so long. Like your husband, he refused therapy so I went alone. As I stated finding the real me I felt a lot of guilt. I didn't think it was fair to my husband for me to change so much. As I started living for me instead of him it turned my whole marriage upside down. My therapist said that it only takes one partner to make positive changes and while the other may resist like crazy at first he/she will eventually follow and adapt. The hardest part for my husband was learning how to let me have my feelings. Just like with your husband and you. The way he feels is not right or wrong and the same for you. It's just how you feel. The healing begins when you stop over analyzing eachothers feelings and begin to respect them, own them and be sensitive towards them.

Very good point casino wife!!!

Not to be to nosy little chicken, but how old are you and your H? Just thinking about the kids thing. Was you H always goal oriented about the life of money and early retirement? Did he ever say anything about wanting kids? This is something that is very important to people that want kids.
No one can say what kind of parent you will be. My ADD H wanted kids and I wanted, well I guess the life style your H is looking for. Everyone said he would make such a great dad by seeing him with kids. Me, well I couldn't relate to kids at all. I ended up "giving" in and WOW the table turned so quickly!! The novelty of his own kid, responsibility, and always there stopping us from being able to just do spontaneous things wore off fast!! For me that nuturing thing happened and blew me away. Didn't think I had it!! Anyways, it is very hard when people change like that. Did he always know that you wanted kids? This can be a major part in your feelings. The biological clock thing can be very strong.

Also, when you say he is very angry, mad etc., that is what my H always thought I was, but I wasn't, I was very sad and wanting to talk but everytime I tried he would be either defensive or not paying attention and take everything I said wrong. That was the biggest problem...the way we communicated. It took major crap to happen to get down to the real feelings that were going on.
No its not just you and you can just "fix" yourself, it takes two in a relationship, ADD or not. It takes the non-ADDer to learn all about how to "read" and communicate with the ADDer. It is hard, but it is do-able and vise versa. If he is "the one for you" you both will try and do this. We all have to compromise and work out what is really important and not so important. If it is only one sided, then thats when you have to decide can you live like this forever?
We all change throughout our life. Its just if you can both adjust to the changes each are going through.
I really feel for you and when anyone is going through these kind of things, we all feel like our head is scrambling from one feeling to the next, it may be worse with ADD but we still get it too. Your H may have sounded like he was blaming you about that deal, but he also may have been trying to tell you how this has him so upset and he can't think straight. Possibly?! He cares more than you think.

Happiness, is not something to aspire to in perpetuity. It just doesn't work that way. Happiness, is a motivator. A goal director. A reward, that does not last forever, because achieving one goal isn't enough to exist successfully as an organism. Nope, it's a transitory, fleeting experience to reward behaviors that are (most of the time) good for us and motivate further activity in goal achieving.

Contentment on the other hand, is something to aspire to. Contentment comes from investing in yourself, and those important to you. It comes with much happiness, but also with the unavoidable "not happy" times, and even sadness and the whole gamut of other emotions.

Passion, in the romantic sense, is much like happiness. Transitory. The fact that it often fades in long term relationships (as novelty wears off, etc...) needn't be the end of it. Passion, can be cultivated, and repeatedly revived with a little effort. Will you ever recapture the "thrill of the chase" or those heady moments of the early days when you were courting? Of course not, that's what memory is for. Who'd want to duplicate that over and over, and never find out what's next? Change can be frightening, but it can be good as well.

Probably one of the single biggest killers of long term relationships is people growing in different directions. That, and the tendency of one, or the other in a partnership to neglect their own growth by investing too much importance in their partner. Eventually this will lead to dissatisfaction, and even resentment. Call it a balancing act, and a difficult one at that.

Yes, it is possible for ADDers to have long term monogamous relationships without cheating. At least for some anyway. There are lots of people who simply aren't well suited to long term commitments whether they have ADD or not. My personal experience is that ADD makes committed relationships more difficult. Things like our impulse control issues, easily getting bored, etc... Obviously add additional challenges to the mix for us, and statistics (I'm not sure if there are any out there, but I'm guessing if there were they would support what I'm saying) would probably reflect that.

A couple really good books I mentioned in other posts (recommended reading) address the neurology behind human emotions, the interaction of emotions with higher cognitive functions, and even the interplay of our emotional centers from brain to brain (the emotional centers in your brain can detect mood changes in others through a variety of cues, and do so far faster than we can "register" a thought about it. Indeed the emotional well being, or lack thereof in another person deeply affects us both nuerologically and physiologically). The books are called "Emotional Intelligence" and "Social Intelligence". They are by Dr. Daniel Goleman. They aren't specifically aimed at people with ADD, but are useful to us nonetheless. Perhaps more so for us than for folks less sensitive emotionally. Sometimes, understanding a little about what drives us can make it a bit easier to navigate the shoals. It certainly helped me to think about the fact that when I had a severe panic attack that the terror had no specific source other than a stuck neurological circuit in my brain. Didn't make me feel any less terrified, but it did allow me to ride through it without overreacting or making it worse.

I guess what I'm saying is that even though other people impact our happiness immensely, we are ultimately responsible for it. There are two main approaches to doing your part to be happy. A) Invest in yourself, and the things you are passionately interested in. Things like taking classes, or engaging in a hobby you really enjoy, or any of a number of other life enriching activities actively promote goal setting, goal acheivment, happiness, and further pursuits aimed at achieving more of the same. B) Actively avoid negative impacts on your well being. Negative people should be avoided if at all possible. Places that make you unhappy as well. Even a job that makes you miserable should be avoided (again if possible, we all gotta eat). These are things you can actively DO to positively impact your life (incidentally, you also positively impact any number of other peoples lives in the process).

It may not be the fault of a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend that you are dissatisified. In my case, I avoided getting out of a very toxic relationship for a VERY long time. I did everything else I was supposed to do and things still fell apart, because I was still stressed and miserable all the time due to that relationship. That was a negative impact on me from a person I could have avoided if I'd put any hard honest thought into it. My point being, that if you really are investing in yourself and growing as a person and are still unhappy with who you are with, then it's time to look at moving on. Preferably in an above board, and honest way, with as much gentleness as can be managed.

Okay that was long winded, but my mind wanders. I have ADD sue me.

Wow. These lastest posts have been great. I do project on him some. The therapy thing, not so much. He flat out tells me he doesnt' think therapy does him any good. Thats straight up talk.

I am now at the point of really trying to understand my own actions. I have hurt him pretty badly. I have pushed him away. And all I can ask is "why?"

Why would someone shove their "family" away from them? Why am I trying to destroy this relationship?

I am, you know. I didn't realize it at first, but I've taken steps that I know deep down he can't deal with. I've pushed him so far.

Now in his anger I can sort of see him a little clearer. He really loves me and he shows me that love is about being best friends and partners.

SO AGAIN.. WHY WOULD I DESTROY THAT? Why when he askes me to stop something and that it hurts him, do I do it anyway?

I wish someone could answer me this. It confuses me so much.

Its like I decided my life was going to change and he wasn't changing fast enough so I just moved on without him. I just "jump" you know and not thinking of the consequences but kind of sort of understanding them.

I want time off from this marriage, time off to work on me and my stuff. But he says if I take time off we are over. So I feel trapped and guilty at the same time.

How can someone survive this for very long, its going to destroy me. Its already hurting my work.

About the kids thing. When we first got married, we both didn't want kids. Or, I was kind of afraid of it really. He had a difficult childhood with fighting parents and didn't want kids either. We wanted to travel, have nice things and a couple of houses (not bad huh?).

Well, as our goals became closer, I ran off to another state to get a masters degree. Putting a wrench into the whole thing both financially and emotionally. I just didn't want the "white picked fence thing" anymore so I got out and "found myself."

Go forward 3 years later, I've unsure if I belong or not in this marriage. I can't seem to learn to appreciate what I have. And I feel like ****, but at the same time I want to be accepted as someone who always wants more or alot of life and the people around me.

I am tired and confused. I need clarity. Someone grant me that, somewhere.

Little Chicken, I use to push my husband away and create things to destroy my relationship. Looking back I now know that it was partly because I didn't think I deserved a good guy. He treats me like gold and wants to give me the world and I wasn't use to that. I was use to being slapped around, cheated on and called names. The other part of my reason is that I was unconsciously testing him. I thought the good guy thing was just too good to be true. I would create all this drama just to test his love for me. Drama & chaos was what I was use to. It's even what I grew up around. It's all I knew and where I felt most comfortable. Can you relate to any of this?

I forgot to mention....in my opinion taking time off from the marriage is not a good ideal. Figuring this out together is a great opportunity to bond. Lean on him and allow him to lean on you. Try to be completely honest about the way each of you are feeling and agree to not take each others feelings personally and make a promise to not use any of it to hurt them in the future or throw it up in each others face later. Sounds like your husband just wants you to let him be there for you instead of running away again or checking out emotionally. The most important thing is you have to stop denying/hiding how you really feel or what you really want for yourself when your around your husband. It's also important for both of you to own your feelings. Nobody can make you feel anything. Your thoughts control your emotions. I think you are making progress just from your 1st post until now. I can tell you have started to look deeper at your own actions and beliefs and thats not easy. I give you a lot of credit and I think you are pretty brave.

:confused: thanks casinowife. your advice is good. but somehow i just can't talk to him. i feel like my ideals of a more open ended life and a married life are in constant conflict.

i still live two lives.

he said he's talking to lawyers.

when I am around him I am just silent and can't talk about anything

when I am gone he disturbes me a work and makes threats and is angry

i have no idea how to act around him at all or what mood he is in at all. so i just drift off into my own little world and wonder if i can live without him and still be successful and wonder if i will regret it. i feel like i stay because he is such a good guy, but like you said i don' t deserve it at all. (well, he is not perfect.... you know what i mean)

i don't think i will ever be satisfied with what i have, i'll always want someting different new, shiny or whatever. that is why i don't deserve him, if anyone was to ask me this past week or so if i can give 100%, i'd say no. i can only give 40% of me... the rest is mine.

i don't want to give in... thats the words running through my mind. like this is a game and I am giving in to something. but what? what am i afraid to give into? what am i afraid of by loving him when he has given so much? it doesn't make sense.

i have reverted back to childhood actions, unable to be an adult. i just don't want too AND when i look at him i just feel bad and guilty all the time for his affection for me, i have been unable to be open to it. i am so scared of loving him right now and what that means.

anyone have thoughts on this last little comment?

Little_Chicken.

I'm sorry to hear of this, the fact your husband has gone to speak to lawyer it might suggest a divorce is pending between you and him and from what you've said ("I can't talk to him or "I don't know how to act around him") it may be a good idea to go your seperate ways or alternatively why don't you both try marriage counselling and see what that does if you haven't tried already, he sounds angry if not a little depressed but he should not be disturbing you at work and making threats and that is why I suggested you pair talk with a mediator such as a marriage counsellor, you sound a little disillusioned about life and what it was meant to be....life's never easy but it up to YOU how you deal with it, whatever decision you make whether it's divorce (which sound's like the best idea even though it's so hard and it's gonna hurt) or trying to sort things out you'll have this forums support.

((Hugs))

Selena

Does it scare you to admit to him or even yourself that you might need him more than you thought? Are you afraid of showing any vulnerability around him? It seems like you are really starting shut down around him. Regardless of what you have or have not done to your husband, nothing justifies any type of abusive behavior towards you. His threats are not ok. Him bothering you are work is not ok. I don't think anyone gives 100% in any marriage all the time. You give what you can when you can. Don't feel guilty for that. You have to take care of yourself first! I really feel for you Little Chicken. Your going through so much right now and I can tell how alone you feel. I think you will just fine without him if he chose to leave. Your level of success and happiness has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. If he can't be supportive while you are trying to find yourself then it would be more damaging to stay with him at this point. He should want you to be happy at any cost. Hang in there and I hope you keep me updated on how things are going.

Hi I have not been around for awhile(dealing with my own situation) I know how hard it is. I see what my ADD h is going through trying to understand what the heck this ADHD thing has done in his life. He doesn't want to think about what his actions have been doing to me. He can't help feeling blame! This is NOT what will help. HE needs to just understand that it is the ADD and there are ways to relearn old habits of behaviors. He seems very overwhelmed by this. I am trying to show him it is not as big of a thing if we work together. There are things I need to learn as well so I can have a different understanding of things too.
This is what could be going on in your relationship too but your H hasn't learned about the ADD and the way it effects the relationship. My H said he couldn't ever feel he could open up to me and talk and express himself. That did hurt me but I had to accept that and I needed to listen to that. We still haven't really figured out the reason why he couldn't talk to me, maybe because we have been together so long and he has done so many things that he is guilty about, so of course I would be the hardest person to talk to. I probably remind him of all the things he doesn't understand about himself and maybe he felt "less than me". I have never asked that, don't think he would understand what I mean by it, but it is possible.
I was "threatening" my h with divorce and did call him alot at work because I was so confused at how he was acting and it was my way,I guess, to try and get him to talk to me. I tried everything to understand what he was feeling so we could figure it out together. I know this was extreme but it seemed like the only way for him. Got the adrenalin going in him I guess!!! At least thats how it has been explained.
I can't say what you should do. No one can, only you and your H can and it is up to you if you can open up and talk to him. Do you feel what you have to say will make him end the marriage? If you can't be open and honest then that doesn't make for a good relationship, which is what I keep saying to my h, that is something that he is just now realizing but it took to getting to the absolute worst thing to happen to him (caught at something that hurt his whole family with going to lose his family because of it) I can't say he will be able to continue with the open honesty down the road and then that will be my time to decide what is best for me. I am giving him this chance because he has not learned anything about ADD and what it does to a relationship, do you and your h know much about it?
Can you see any parallels to your relationship? Just getting you to maybe see something you may not be able to. It helps if one of you can at least, but ultimately it takes 2 to work on it.

mrs A (member.php?u=10914).

I do see parallels. I can't tell you what your husband is going through, only he can do that. But I assume its fairly similar.

I get these whims and just want to try something totally different and when I am not "allowed" to do that for whatever reason I get closed.

This is childish, I am aware of it. But I also feel that society is making me feel that way and I constantly feel guilty for having higher demands and energy and drive than most women (i know this). I push and am demanding in life, love and relationships, novelty and academia. If he isn't the same, then I get irritated. I wonder why he can't read my writing and talk philosophy with me or something...

As you can see I am just trying understand myself and want to accept myself for who i am.

I feel sometimes I am just here because I am afraid of not being here. Being totally reliant on another, specifically one other is frightening.

Maybe your husband feels the same way. Guilt does keep you from talking and sharing with your spouse if for no other reason then you've had a wonderful experience with other people (collegues, friends, lovers... whatever) and then as the spouse feels guilty because he's not able to share that with you.

My therapist asked me a very very good question and I've been contemplating it a lot recently.

He asked me: "Why does someone need to be at your level or balancing your level of energy and need for novelty all the time? Why do you want them to be like you?"

One possible answer is, if they are more like me in that way then I don't feel so guilty for needing so much and have someone who can change and want novelty more... go on that retreat at the last minute, be open to ball room dancing without me having to NAG and make a big deal, do yoga with me, become my workout partner, write a book with me. (see... i want a lot)

I also give of myself and am happy and sharing to many many people. But not to my hubby (well not recently) and that is another guilt trip for me and makes him feel left out. But he doesn't give the kind of responses I need when I involve him in things. I got tired at one point of forcing to include him in my academic and tech world when he just doesn't really get it. Though my collegues and friends think he is a really great person, and I do like that.

ok. I am rambling again. As always. But maybe hearing me will help you with your husband. The truth is, he may be like me and need a lot from you and now that you are willing to give more and try to understand,,, it just feels false. He has an idea of you... you need to change that somehow in his mind to get him to turn around, without being a doormat.

I will continue to work with a counsler and see if I can figure this stuff out and share it with the group in case they want to know or learn more.

I wish you the best and hope you are able to work this out with your husband. I will say, any kind of threat tends to make people like me feel trapped and causes the opposite effect of what your looking for. So be careful with that.

My husband saying guilty things to me all the time like "you still do bad things to hurt me" and if you felt guilty "you wouldn't do those things." Doesn't really help at all and just makes me feel of more in a corner... its like "see, i told you so."

The problem is that i don't what he can say to make me feel differently, I am going to feel what I want to feel at the moment... thats the truth and your husband may feel the same way too. I dunno.

I hit the wall with my hubby about five years ago for much the same things. I was at the point where I could not go on any more, felt like I was dying inside, not being seen. I think he must have felt the same way.


We worked through it.

I don't know that it's right for everyone to work through it, but it was for us. And right now my life with him is better, and I can see even better things down the road. Although right now our lives in other ways are whirling faster and faster with less fun and more and more responsibilities, like caring for my Alzheimer's afflicted mother - which has stressors all its own - he is at least now TALKING about the idea of travel and such, which is more than he would ever do before. Like, being responsible means you can't ever spend money for pure fun.

Now, let me point out, we both work full time, in pretty responsible professions, and I certainly have my inattentive faults at home, but I work fulltime as a nightshift critical care nurse, with lives depending on me, so if I do the dishes and forget to put the sponge back ON the sink instead of in it, calling me irresponsible is just not right! So he did not need to act like a wet blanket on my little carefree, romantic fantasies, but he was doing that, for a long time, until, as I said, I was just unable to carry on, and I forced the issue, which almost broke us, but didn't.

I have had to face ways in which my not confronting him aobut this all these years, was my way of keeping him at arms length and keeping myself insulated and safe. It wasn't all HIS fault. I was waaaay to comfortable accepting that he was inaccessible, which meant I didn't have to risk real intimacy. It felt safer. Deadening, but safer. I am still trying to fix that in myself, and making more of an effort to TALK to him when I have things to say, even if it's just normal daily stuff. I tended to just not talk, thinking it was just going to be a waste of breath; well, how did he know I had so much to say, hmm, since I wasn't even attempting it?

So maybe think about is there a way that this situation you're in has fulfilled some dysfunctional part of your own life, and how you fit into the whole unsatisfying picture. If you don't figure that out, if you get out of this relationship, you're likely to make a similar mistake the next time.

So I totally get what you're saying. It might be time to really force things and make him step up to the plate. And if he's not able to open up and nurture the spark, it's hard to carry on in a life-draining relationsihp.

So I wish you well, my dear, and hope whatever you decide to do, it makes things better, down the road.

mrs A (http://member.php/?u=10914).

I get these whims and just want to try something totally different and when I am not "allowed" to do that for whatever reason I get closed.

...I push and am demanding in life, love and relationships, novelty and academia. If he isn't the same, then I get irritated. I wonder why he can't read my writing and talk philosophy with me or something...

As you can see I am just trying understand myself and want to accept myself for who i am.

...Guilt does keep you from talking and sharing with your spouse if for no other reason then you've had a wonderful experience with other people (collegues, friends, lovers... whatever) and then as the spouse feels guilty because he's not able to share that with you.

...One possible answer is, if they are more like me in that way then I don't feel so guilty for needing so much and have someone who can change and want novelty more... go on that retreat at the last minute, be open to ball room dancing without me having to NAG and make a big deal, do yoga with me, become my workout partner, write a book with me. (see... i want a lot)

I also give of myself and am happy and sharing to many many people. But not to my hubby (well not recently) and that is another guilt trip for me and makes him feel left out. But he doesn't give the kind of responses I need when I involve him in things. I got tired at one point of forcing to include him in my academic and tech world when he just doesn't really get it. Though my collegues and friends think he is a really great person, and I do like that.

...My husband saying guilty things to me all the time like "you still do bad things to hurt me" and if you felt guilty "you wouldn't do those things." Doesn't really help at all and just makes me feel of more in a corner... its like "see, i told you so."

The problem is that i don't what he can say to make me feel differently, I am going to feel what I want to feel at the moment... thats the truth...
Hi!

I just recently found this forum and have started reading through the different threads. This thread caught my attention!

I am 52, divorced 8 years after a 20 year marriage, and diagnosed with ADHD about four years ago.

Chicken Little, many of the things you are thinking and feeling could have been written word-for-word by me 8, 9, or 10 years ago. It is like you have been reading my history in my brain. I, too, have always felt the need to satisfy the inner thirst for excitement, fulfillment, and satisfaction. When I didn't get my way (which caused many fights with my spouse) I became a real a$&h*)e although I didn't realize it at the time. I was very moody and withdrawn. Once I would get my way, I would feel the excitement and euphoria that I craved... for awhile... and then when it passed, I moved on to another exciting "thing" that I had to have or had to do... The fights were constant... (After the divorce, my ex said that I had been emotionally abusive. This really, really surprised me because I never pictured myself as an abusive type of person... and made me very sad...)

The on-going fights and communications breakdown gradually led to huge emotional distance that neither of us saw coming. I needed some sexual excitement, some attention, and some acceptance of who I was. I was not getting this from my spouse.... One of my co-workers started flirting with me... One thing led to another to another... The excitement, the emotional high was incredible! I quickly said, "Adios!" to my spouse, my marriage commitment, my kids, packed up my things, and moved 500 miles to be with my new honey to start life anew. As I arrived I got dumped... big time...

I started rebuilding my life and quickly jumped into a new relationship (because I needed that emotional relationship high that I had been craving).

I could not understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling or thinking the thoughts I was thinking. I went to several therapists who told me basically to quit putting up with all the crap in the marriage and just go for it in something new. This was BEFORE I was diagnosed with ADHD.

Fast forward a about four years... I was diagnosed with ADHD, started medication, and started with a therapist that specializes in ADHD. It has taken a lot of therapy to work through all the issues that destroyed my marriage.

Last year my spouse and I talked about reconcilliation as neither of us had remarried. Unfortunately, the old wounds are still there and are still pretty deep. It would take a lot of counseling for both of us and emotional energy that neither of us seem to have right now... Also, our son has major ADHD symptoms but refuses to do anything about it. That is causing a lot of family stress.

ADHD is a MAJOR, MAJOR stress for any relationship! It is like we walk around with hand grenades tossing them here and there not realizing the damage and destruction that is happening all around us. And we don't do it intentionally...

Chicken Little, it sounds like you are in a crisis situation right now; your marriage has a major wound that is bleeding badly right now and will die if treatment is not received soon. Hopefully, your therapist recognizes this and is providing the proper emergency care you need.

In my opinion, divorce is the worst medicine to treat this because it doesn't fix the root problem. If you divorce and remarry, your new relationship will have the same underlying problems...

Take Care!

Finding out about ADD might just save my marriage, we both want it to work but its difficult to explain to a non-ADDer just how logic and sense get left way behind when the hyperfocal afterburner kicks in.

I've been reading all your posts. Each one carefully. I've also been doing a lot of work.

And... doing something I shouldn't (well according to everyone else). I've been spending time with another man.

Yes, that is crazy considering the situation. But I need to come clean. Every issue, every hurt, everything was there before ... so here is the story as I see it now:

When my father fell ill, the urge to get my family started kicked in. I knew I had to do it some day, and I didn't want my father to be gone by the time it happend. I became impatient and wanted to move forward.

My husband, the more methodical type, didn't respond well to that discussion about kids. I understand now he did it out of his own fears and insecurities about me and our relationship and his ability to provide for them. But how he reacted to me talking about kids was AWEFUL!!!! "You've been sharing all these inscurities and wants and desires with me and you like your freedom, you don't remember to walk the dog all the time, you forget the laundry and loose your keys. How could I think about having kids with you until you fix all those issues?" His reaction was always 'no, I don't see how this will work."

... while a legitamate response... in many ways. LOOK DEEPER into how a woman would respond and hear. OUCH!!!! That was my breaking point. That was it. I know it to my core. I felt insulted that the man who married me did not see me fit as a mother and no matter what else we had gone through could not provide me any love, confidence or support in that area whatsoever. None. There is nothing about anything he has ever said that would make me feel he wanted to have that eperience with me. OUCH!!!!

BUT... that was the catalyst to a whole world of destruction.

I look back now and see some things that happend.

1. I started slowly distancing myself and getting more into my work.
2. I tried to be good with our current situation of him paying for most things and supporting my efforts to do what I am doing now. I told myself this is what marriage is about, support. Right?
3. I joked and played and acted silly and worked on getting some attention to get a feeling he desired me and wanted me. I wanted something really spontanous and fun. For god's sake... i am his wife, why didn't he just wnat to jump into bed with me and make babies? What was wrong with me? Even if I changd my mind, why is he always so reluctant?
4. After about 6 months of this, the distance continued and I started to leave him out of my life and decisions. (i've done this before) I became very disinterested in what he was doing and wanted from life because I thought, that isn't what I want.
5. I know now he was "coming around" to the idea of having kids with me about the time I started moving my eyes around... subconciously.
6. I thought "i'll just look and see what I find because where I am isn't feeling right or working."
7. I found something/someone and it was fun at first.
8. Then something happend. I became attached, interested, found myself day dreaming and thought of future plans.
9. My husband found out (of course) so now anything that I do or say to the effect of wanting to fix stuff doesn't work. BECAUSE the root of the problem is NOT the other person... it is what lead me to him.

NOW, If my husband can't admit that or see that ... to me it means that he really doesn't "get it" or me... maybe I was right in the first place to start moving on.

I feel bad that my impatience and hormones lead me that direction. I feel bad I've strung him along, he doesn't deserve it. I feel bad I couldn't seem to communicate my needs to him in a way he can understand.

BUT, I don't feel bad for wanting the things I do. I used to, but now, I don't. Whats come of this horrible thing, is I start to realize some of the things I need emotionally that wasn't there.

He doesn't get this because to him he did everything for me... so therefore that is proof of his love and I SHOULD FEEL that through those things.

I've been doing "THE WORK" by Byron Katie.
http://www.thework.com/index.asp

Its a little hippie... but I wish I had heard it before. I realize that my realtionship was made up of What HE SHOULD DO, How HE SHOULD make me feel and vice versa for him.

That is not logical... he should or shouldn't do or be anything but himself and to expect otherwise is complete torture.

My therapist told me to move out. I haven't, but I am not "in" the relationship either. I am just there, blank, accepting all his anger and resentment and hurt towards me and what I've done to him.

I just sit there and take it, until I can't and then I leave the room or apartment and get air. Or I avoid the apartment completely and spend as much time out of the house as possible.

I am 3? years old. I've figured out what I want from a relationship future and now I have nothing. He doesn't want to have a family with me now and if I leave I am alone. I can find someone and that other person is totally smitten with me and I him,,, but in this circumstance how can that work out?

Jesus. I feel stupid and lonely. But at the same time I feel right about certain things and that I deserve certain emotional supports and a "team" relationship that I haven't had before.

This is where I am. This is what I've done. Now what?

Wow! You have really been working hard. What a difference in your very 1st post and this one. Why do you feel stupid though? I mean I can understand lonely but not stupid. I agree with you, you do deserve emotional support from your husband. What do your instincts tell you do...stay or leave? Your husband doesn't seem like he is ready or capable of accepting any blame or responsibility in the breakdown of your marriage. He wants to blame and punish you over and over. It's not healthy. I agree with your therapist. You should move out. You deserve to be happy. Don't be afraid of being alone, besides isn't that just about what you are now even living in the same house as your husband? You won't be alone forever anyway.

Wow, hon, you've got a lot of insight into this. It's a shame he can't do the same. Rotten situation, I'm sorry. I'll be thinking of you. Be strong.

Ok so you've brought things to a head and you understand why. Now it is important to stay stong and look after No 1. If you want kids and your husband doesn't that is inevitably going to cause serious relationship strain and , in my opinion, almost inevitable relationship breakdown as the biological clock ticks away.

The one thing i would say is ensure you are strong in yourself and feel that you can live alone and survive mentally and physically. You are aware that the new relationship is based on unfulfilled needs from the old one and you will therefore be aware of the dangers of leaping into it with both feet.

Us ADD types are great fun to be around, but maybe not so easy to live with. Things that seem lovably quirky at the start to an outsider may slowly start to grate as the realisation kicks in that they are symptomatic of other similar but possibly less attractive features in our makeup.

Yo'll have to make sure you're not jumping from frying pan to fire as I'm finding bringing up kids is particularly traumatic and its taken 9 years so far to bring my wife round to the fact that we need to look at family life in a unique way that suits us.

My wife, despite first appearances to the contrary, is a very conventional person and this causes quite alot of difficulties as the ways we will have to live together to keep the marriage going will be quite unconventional to outsiders, with a considerable amount of role reversal.

Choose your new partner with care....after a period of building your own confidence and strength.

It's been trying on my wife.
I'm a hard person to live with.
ADD quirks can be hard, especially to someone that doesn't understand them.
Pushing/Impatience (because your mind races and you are ready to move on to something else way before a normal person would), memory problems,
difficulty with complex ideas, etc.
We can't have kids, because my wife had cancer a few years before we met.
We have a Dingo that's now 11 years old, and diabetic.
My wife doesn't have the patience for a barking dog, that barks because we aren't in our usual spots (herding instinct), or because her sugar is up and she needs to burn it off, etc.
What would she do with a kid???
I've got no patience with them, I just don't.
I try to have patience with them, but it's not me.
ADD can be very trying on a relationship, but it can work out.
As long as the other person is aware of the symptoms, and realizes this is part of the ADD, and not just one of your quirks.
We don't mean to do certain things, it's just kinda hardwired into our brains.
Why?
It just is IMHO.
Understanding ADD is the key for both people in a relationship, and it could keep a lot of problems from getting out of hand, because it's no longer a mystery.