No problem once I get wound up, but it's GETTING THERE.

My husband is a wonderful man - caring, understanding, supportive, drop-dead gorgeous, and PATIENT (thank GOD).

Here's my problem:

I want to go to him.
I want him to back off sometimes with the touching, grabbing, rubbing my bootie for example, with sexual undertones.

I know that's HORRIBLE, but this is my problem - I'm not enjoying how I'm feeling, thats for sure.

For instance, I don't like that he gropes me, touches me, "moans" at me all the time. I get tired of it.

I don't respond back...at all.

Yes, I've talked to him about it saying, "Honey, I know it sounds horrible, but I need you to back off a little....let ME come to YOU..."

Back when I was boy-chasing, dating, I couldn't STAND the guys that called me ALL the time - I didn't care how hot they were. I didn't like them staring at me all thru dinner or whatever.

What turns me on is for ME to initiate stuff. I get excited exciting him if you understand what I mean ;)

When we worked together, I lovvvvvvvvved that we "worked" together without anything sexual, but then when we got home..woo hoo!

I have always loved the "hush-hush" type relationship I think.

Way in the past, I had relationships with guys I worked with or were around on a consistent basis in a nonsexual nature; business-like, if you will.

I dunno. I know I'm baring myself with this, but can only hope I won't be made fun of or anything...at least not ON the board :D

What is the MATTER WITH ME?? Why do I need a "rush" all the time?
The forbidden. This is not a good thing in a marriage.

Oh, I do remember last summer my husband & I went to the unveiling of the new Camaro. We never get "out" like that (pretty fancy event).

We held hands, looked at cars, trucks, vans, hummers, etc etc etc. Stuff that would get any gearhead excited :D

Then we were about to leave and, well...we didn't make it out of the parking garage. :o

That's a good example I guess of how I "work"..or what "does it for me."


OK...now that I feel totally exposed (no pun intended) & extrememly vulnerable (I'm not good at opening up to people)........




PS: I will prob. edit as ideas or memories (examples) come to me so you might not want to "quote" my thread - just reply if you dont mind. That way, my edits will keep up :)

Please do not feel embarrased for posting how you feel. There is no reason for anybody to make fun of a person's feelings. I somewhat have the same problem. For some reason lately I just can not get in the mood. My husband also does lots of the grabbing and groaping which really irritates me. I keep telling him that if he shows me a little affection outside of the bedroom, then I would be more able to give the affection he wants in the bedroom.

You are not alone in your feelings

Thank you soooooooo much, Rach....I am relieved to see your post.

My husband touches me a lot outside the bedroom, which SHOULD be a good thing...but, its not. Not for me. I don't know. Just trying to figure out why I am this way & keep from running him into someone else's arms. I don't foresee it happening, but I wouldn't blame him.

Like I always say, "If you don't take care of business...someone will do it FOR you." That's my philosophy concerning being a MOM, wife, employee, etc.

That is one HUGE fear I have..........is that if I do not give my husband what he wants/when he wants that he will go find it somewhere else. I have somewhat shared these feelings with my husband. He told me that sure he is going to have his little temper tantrums when he does not get his way(his words) but there is no way that he would ever be stupid enough to go somewhere else because he knows he would loose me.
It still makes me feel awful though because I just do not know why I am this way and wish more then anything that I could change that part about me.

I've had similiar problems -- I think in part it's an ADD thing. One reason I think that is because when I first started Concerta, suddenly I didn't feel like pulling away when my husband grabbed me, before I could be very offish, even though I didn't want to be. I don't think I handle overt, sudden come on's that well. Maybe it has to do with needing a little transition time -- many ADDers don't shift gear real well from one activity to another (not even romantic ones). Hallowell and Ratey discuss this difficulty shifting to romantic mode in one of their books (either Driven to Distraction or Answers to Distraction).

Learning how to communicate about both your needs is definately a process that takes some time and figuring out. But it's worth the effort!

Take care,

Scattered

Hmm. My daughter describes the same thing, that when she's out with friends, she will not even CONSIDER a man who comes to her first, she wants to initiate the relationship.

MY husband is quite a bit cooler than I, and definitely than the men you ladies describe... which frustrated me no end for so long, but now I seem to have turned a menopausal corner or something and it doesn't much matter to me now. We're emotionally closer but sex? Not so much. It bothers me in principle when I think about it. But right now I am soooo overloaded with work and caring for family and caring for Mom, that I really don't have it in me to relax and let my guard down and enjoy being touched like that.

But yeah, I think it would bug me, too, having the SEX thing assaulting me all the time; probably more than the dry spells do.

So I guess this all means there's a lot of variation and it's probably all "normal".

I can sympathize. Its not that you don't love them, or aren't attracted to them. Its just that your mind is somewhere else and bringing it to the situation requires superhuman anti-ADD powers.
My advice, is to just go with it for awhile (follow your husband's lead for a few minutes or so) and, if you really are attracted to your husband, which you seem to be, again, not the problem, your desire and all of that "good stuff" will follow and catch up after a few "ADD transition minutes".

Your feelings will match his feelings after a few minutes.

I know at the time it may be the last thing you want to do, but it is so important to show affection and love for your husband. Husbands love the pampering too!!
All the best!

Thanks you all sooooooo much!!

Still got my ears open! :)

Like Rach said don't be embarrassed. Years ago when I first came to the forum I posted about an intimacy issue I was having. :o

Hugging, kissing, holding hands, touchy feely stuff gets to me, even with my kids. My younger daughter likes to kiss my cheeks and she likes to hold it there for a second or two, it drives me nuts to be held still. I pull away and say stop, it's a reaction, I do with my husband as well. But if it's me doing it to them I'm not feeling that same reaction I must pull away. Weird huh?

Again don't be embarrassed ;)

Gosh, Kiisethwa - I can really identify with "how you work." Thank you so much for being courageous enough to post this (I know you were feeling concerned). I'm too tired tonight to explain the whole thing - but trust me when I tell you that I definitely got "issues" when it comes to relationships with me. I LOVE my guy -- and we were married for a short time. It was a quickie wedding, I was pregnant, and I remember after the little backyard ceremony he stopped at his apartment to get some of his stuff -- I was waiting for him at my apartment. (Almost there - this DOES get funny.)

Anyway - I remember laying on my bed, watching him trot up the stairs with a big laundry basket of stuff. After watching him go back out to his car and come in with more stuff about 4 more times, he finally STOPPED in the bedroom and faced me and I said to him, "What are you doing? Moving in?" And we both chuckled (but the sad part was that I was more than half-way SERIOUS)! I seem to HATE living with another adult -- even my own HUSBAND!

And there's plenty more weirdness . . . but that's for some other day.

You sound like a normal, healthy woman to me!! I completely hear ya with being turned off when the man is ALWAYS comin' at ya. I'm just like you. I'll let my guy know when I'm interested. (I'm lucky that this last love of mine - the one I was married to - has concerns about pushing any woman into sex. He's so gentle and polite that he seems as if he's from a time when men were more chivalrous -- which, as you might expect, really brings out the "Call Girl" in me.) OK - now I'm embarrassed. :o

Sue

A guys view point here. I kind've can relate. I would like a woman to be a little affectionate at first but if it is any more right away I get turned off a bit. I think it lessons the demand that I have for her.

It also makes me feel like she's being kind've clumbsy or something. I don't really care for the laying all over me all the time either, but some woman (mine anyway) are very sensitive to me saying I don't like something they do.

I hate to use this phrase but can't think of another "never look a gift horse in the mouth" . God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it?

In other words, it comes down to supply and demand. A woman who throws herself at me kind've lowers her demand or cheapens herself. Does this make sense?

I respect you for bareing what is perfectly natural. I will also take a note from it with my girlfriend. Thanks

Dear Kiisethwa,

I hear you. I have two suggestions: one --go on more "dates" with your husband. You'll be in public and have to behave more circumspectly and with more control. Ergo, tension and mystery.

Two: read up on kosher sex. I'm not Jewish, but I must say that the Orthodox have some interesting ideas about invigorating the marital scene. Try Shmuel Boteach.

peridot:
Thank you & you're suggestion number one is parallel with our "date" to the Camaro unveiling. I dressed to the max, we flirted, and .....well, read above <blush>

Maybe THAT's it. I lovvvvvvve to flirt, be flirted with, I bet...

And, will look into Shmuel Boteach....doesn't hurt to check stuff out!

I SOOO have this same problem. I have a VERY hard time getting in the mood. It just seems like so much effort that when I think about it I'm exhausted! My husband annoys the crap out of me with the all of a sudden boob grab that any inkling of passionate feeling flies away. Our sex life is becoming very perfunctory as well, which doesn't help. It feels like I do it just so he'll stop pestering me for a while and don't enjoy it. I am still working on finding a med and am hoping my libido gets better after I've found something that works. I'm also on Lexapro which might be contributing to the loss of sex drive. This is definitely something that I need to work on because I know it really bothers him...it should, sex is an important part of a marriage. The scary thing is, when we go 2 weeks without it, I don't miss it all that much. :(

Sorry this post didn't have any help and turned into a personal rant. I wish I had advice, I really do! Seems like the other ladies had some good things we could try! :)

since when does 'marriage' mean that a man can violate the boundaries of his spouse? if a partner states clearly that having breasts or buttocks grabbed purely for the gratification of the other person is unwanted and not appreciated, then continuation of doing so is called 'sexual harassment' and can even be considered 'sexual assault'. i don't know where you ladies live, but there is actually such a thing as 'rape within marriage'. heck, there's even a book about this subject. that sort of behaviour objectifies the woman. it means that the woman's feelings are totally disregarded and the desires of the man are the only consideration. there is great truth in your feelings. how can anyone be turned on by a sexual bully?

I agree with you completely. My husband is definitely NOT raping me, but I do feel violated sometimes. He does seem to be getting better about the grabbing but still does it sometimes. I think there is definitely a fine line, though. Sometimes when he does it, it is an appropriate time like when we are hugging and have a nice kiss he'll brush across my chest suggestively. I just wanted to enjoy the closeness, but he interprets it as "ooh...maybe?" so I feel annoyed and pull away. I know that I send him mixed signals, but when we are just talking and he grabs a handful, that's when I get REALLY annoyed. So, it seems it's a complicated situation that he and I need to talk about. When that will happen, I'm not sure. :)

since when does 'marriage' mean that a man can violate the boundaries of his spouse? if a partner states clearly that having breasts or buttocks grabbed purely for the gratification of the other person is unwanted and not appreciated, then continuation of doing so is called 'sexual harassment' and can even be considered 'sexual assault'. i don't know where you ladies live, but there is actually such a thing as 'rape within marriage'. heck, there's even a book about this subject. that sort of behaviour objectifies the woman. it means that the woman's feelings are totally disregarded and the desires of the man are the only consideration. there is great truth in your feelings. how can anyone be turned on by a sexual bully?
I don't know about the other but I'm not talking about anything remotely sexually abusive ! For me it's more of why do I feel the way I do sometimes when my husband is being "fresh" or feeling so called "frisky". Nothing abnormally wrong with a wife/husband/SO behaving in this way. I see I have weird feeling of "stop touching me" sometimes and I see it's me.

Example was yesterday. I was leaning over the kitchen counter & he grabbed & rubbed my behind like "maybe...?" I said, "STOP IT!" And walked away.

I said it firmly like that bec. I've discussed this problem I"m having & it's like it goes in one ear & out the other. THEN, I get really hacked.

Nothing worse than openly communicating, expressing that it's MY problem, asking for help/cooperation, then it going completely out the door the next day.


Sorry, I'm venting. I'm having a bad day. I told him that if I didn't get more cooperation around here that I was leaving for 2 weeks to see how HE does. House, bills, mail, phone calls, emails, responsibilities, the girls....

Sometimes I think I COULD leave.

Reminds me of Madonna's song, lyrics "If I ran away, I'd never have the strength to go very far...how could they hear the beating of my heart..."


These days happen every few weeks. Things around the house get out of control (simple things like cleaning - I hate for my house to be dirty, messy, cluttered).
I become extremely overwhelmed. I ask for help from my family. They do HALF, if that much.

I get upset & BEG for more help than that. The little they did didn't destress my life, in fact, I get MORE upset bec. when I DO ask for help, and expect it to be done right and thoroughly and it's not.

So, I "break down." I cant even talk anymore now. I just cry & when pushed, feel like throwing the treadmill across the room. I always say, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GO THRU THIS???"

Lately, the left side of my chest gets a dull pain in it. Which makes me think, later on: IF I had a heart attack and the doctors tell my family "You have GOT to help her out, or else..." then they would.

So, why not now? MY question is: "What's it gonna' take...?..What are you waiting for?"

I already hate going thru this. And, being married to a loving husband makes me feel MORE like crap.

After being wound up & upset, my husband walks by & grabs my butt???? I DON'T THINK SO, BUDDY.

:weak giggle:

lilyfrog60:

"My husband is definitely NOT raping me, but I do feel violated sometimes"

what does this mean? violated is a euphemism for sexual assault when refering to male/female interactions.

i think when people spend a lot of time together in the context of an intimate relationship, then there's not much excuse for mis-interpreting what the other person wants or doesn't want. if, after several years of cohabiting, a husband is still doing things to his wife that she does not enjoy then this is an aggressive behaviour.

I don't think I have said anything different than the other ladies. He is not forcing me into sex against my will. I honestly think he is trying to let me know that he finds me attractive but in a way that I don't respond well to. I understand what you are saying but I don't think that without being a part of my enviornment you can decide whether or not I'm being assaulted. By violated I mean that he sometimes doesn't respect my personal space (a random boob grab or "Man, you're sexy!" when I'm not in the mood for it), maybe violated is too strong of a word. But after waiting patiently for three weeks and not getting any affection from me it has to be frustrating. We've only been married a little over a year and the decline in my libido is pretty recent. I am not saying that he is justified in his actions and they way he handles it, but don't expect me to press charges against him.

I was getting hell from hubby and daughterfor many years about the messy house. THey'd say they would do XYZ if I "earned" it by doing ABC. I finally said, "excuse me: I've been "in charge" of the housework for twenty years now, and it should be clear t everyone I'm no damn good at it. Why am I still in charge? What do I have to do to get fired from this job?" and it's like a light bulb went on over their heads.
Looking back it's easy to see I was profoundly depressed, and unable to think or move myself, and that's why the hosue was an f'g disaster.
So now my husband takes the lead and does things like Swiffering the floOr and tidying up, and I see him doing that and think "Oh, I can help out. I'll do this" and it's so much more upliftng than feeling I'm doing this alone and it's MY RESPONSIBILITY. I am soooo unsuited to running a household. I should have had a staff for that.

Although the libido isue is still not resolved, in that mine has always been higher than his and I've been frustrated for a long time... until lately, when I don't seem to care anymore. But emotionally, we're closer and better able to communicate.

'violated' is a strong word. either a person means what they write or they don't. all too often women complain and then deny. i believe that the complaint is valid and true but most women are disempowered due to socio-economic reasons. they literally can't afford to be honest and be consistently honest. they can't afford to say 'i don't like it. stop.' and be heard and taken seriously. men know they have the power and they don't have to be considerate and respectful.

unfortunately this not only belittles the women but it also belittles the men. when a person lacks respect for the other they lack of respect for themselves.

Just for the record: MY husband doesn't "violate" me.
I think my thread has been hi-jacked....and, in a horrible way.


Please, y'all --- don't think for a second that THIS is what my thread is about. Its not.

If you're like me, I read the title, then oftentimes go to the "last thread posted" to ck the status of the original post.

Just wanted to make this clear :)

I'm so sorry...I never intended for your thread to go this direction. I think I have been misunderstood. I identify a lot with your situation Kiisethwa and that is what I was trying to get at. I just got upset when I was told I was being assaulted! Sorry!!!!

Hi Kiisethwa -
I'm a nonADDer and feel the same way you do often enough! After reading your post of 1/22 it made me think that you might be starved for a little time to yourself - I have 2 daughters myself and my own business and am certainly the go-to person in our houshold and I can get tapped out from doing for others and giving my all.

Sometimes it's easier to consider my H's advances when I've had some alone time where a sexual thought/fantasy maybe has had space to come into my head! Sometimes my H will say something pretty suggestive in passing (a verbal grabbing, if you will) and I'll feel pretty annoyed. I think to myself, y'know, there's so many other mentally stimulating conversations you could choose to have with me that would make me admire you, therefore desire you, but I get this?? Then I try to remind myself that it probably turns him on a bit to say whatever he just said - to go out on a limb, or risk an off-color comment.

Good grief we're different, aren't we??

I hate the groping too. It makes me feel like we're in high school or something.

Peridot's idea of going on "dates" is a great idea. Someone else gave me that advice too. If you can put in the effort and time to make it happen between kids, work, housecleaning, etc. it's not easy to fit it in.

Now the only challenge will be "what do we talk about when we go on that "date" " Sometimes when my husband and I go out it's difficult to have a conversation on another topic besides the kids and work.:D
But if we go out together on a regular basis I think that would change.

About the original post, same thing here. I know he is trying to be "cute and lovable" and "is in to me" but some times - enough is enough. Like when I am cooking - hello it takes all the consentration I have to make a half way edible meal. It is frustrating when someone walks up behind and gets all gropity, grope, grope. It does not turn me on. The only thing I can figure is that, he does it because he would like me to be more that way to him. And he wants attention. Though I have tried to reverse the roles and he does not stop. Thanks for posting, now I now I am not alone.

I have noticed that if he is wanting me to do something, he will do what ever it is to me first, regardless. But I am not a touchey-feely-of-others kind of a person. And I don't much like to be touched by others - i am physically sensitve. And he is the kind of person who does like to be touched and I guess to put bluntly "groped".

I guess this is really why "they" call men dogs.

There is no romance in it at all to me. But I don't want sappy romance, I want sweetness romance. Guess I should rent a chick flick for that.:)

o.k. ladies, please explain something to me: why do you marry gropers who don't turn you on? didn't they grope before marriage? did you enjoy the groping then? did they not grope before marriage? did the groping begin after the honeymoon?

no, i'm not a guy and i am married. i don't enjoy being groped. i made it totally clear that groping turns me off. end of groping. i don't give mixed messages.

on the topic of mixed messages, the women who complained about being 'violated' etc. on this thread gave mixed messages to people who read their posts. might it not be unsurprising that the husbands are also getting mixed messages as well? it's all 'it is' and 'no it isn't'.

mixed messages have nothing whatsoever to do with either ADD or ADHD. i work in healthcare. over the decades there have been women who have made allegations that their husbands are abusive. but when the suggestion is made that they should follow up with the appropriate means by which they could and should live their lives without the 'abuse', all of a sudden it's not 'abuse' anymore. people who work in healthcare have a legal obligation to offer assistance to those who claim they are being 'abused'. we are between a rock and a hard place because if we don't care then we are among the damned. if we do care we are told that our concern is unwarranted. go figure, eh?

so ladies, call it like it is. if it's not, then don't say it is. it would be so much better if people would address the problem with the source and not blather on about these things to strangers.

it would be so much better if people would address the problem with the source and not blather on about these things to strangers.


I believe you might have a different opinion if you were walking in some of these women's shoes. If you are currently working in healthcare, perhaps it's time for a vacation.

No. it's not time for a vacation. what it is time for is for women to take a better look at how they talk/write about their 'problems with intimacy'. it's like 'the boy who cried wolf'. is there are problem or isn't there?

women need to take ownership of both their 'intimacy problems' and their 'complaints about their intimacy problems'. what happened on this thread were complaints and then retractions.

complaining on an internet forum is not a constructive way to sort out an 'intimacy problem'. asking for help and just complaining are not the same thing. making allegations such as 'violation' are serious statements. then retracting said statement makes the person seem to be someone who employs hyperbole in order to attract attention.

what you don't understand, Sloppity Sue, is that people in healthcare are basically sitting ducks for the manipulations of women who can't or won't make up their minds about what's happening in their lives. sometimes it's difficult to determe which women are for real and which are nothing more than emotional vampires. if you listen to them, they later decide that they've embarassed themselves and you've become the problem because you were there to witness how they did this to themselves. if you don't listen to them then you just don't care and are lumped into the same category as everyone else in the world who don't care.

i don't need a vacation. i've just learned to cope with these situations. women who start to complain about their marital issues are refered to a relationship counsellor. i decided to take a position on this thread in order to illustrate what happens when people who complain and make allegations behave when asked to take responsibility for what they are claiming.

psssst..Solitary Bee, what about people complaining about people complaining?? They are kind of annoying too.;)


This is a public forum. If the topic is agitating you, dont read it. The OP was venting, talking about an issue that very clearly many others identified with. They reclarified that you misunderstood and over generalized their 'venting' and took it to a whole different level. Most of these ladies made it clear immediately that you misunderstood. Should be end of story. If the topic bothers you, pass. They have stated they are not being abused. Symantics are just that symantics. Move on.

what you don't understand, Sloppity Sue, is that people in healthcare are basically sitting ducks for the manipulations of women who can't or won't make up their minds about what's happening in their lives. sometimes it's difficult to determe which women are for real and which are nothing more than emotional vampires. if you listen to them, they later decide that they've embarassed themselves and you've become the problem because you were there to witness how they did this to themselves. if you don't listen to them then you just don't care and are lumped into the same category as everyone else in the world who don't care..
solitary bee...maybe i missed something, at what point did any of these women ask for your "medical expertise/help/diagnoses"?

At what point did any of them mention being raped, abused, in danger?

i don't need a vacation. i've just learned to cope with these situations. women who start to complain about their marital issues are refered to a relationship counsellor. i decided to take a position on this thread in order to illustrate what happens when people who complain and make allegations behave when asked to take responsibility for what they are claiming.What allegations? They are coming together and sharing similar experiences with one another and by no means, would any reasonable person take anything that any of them said as "abuse".

I get your "medical responsibility" and all that, but when it was clarified several times that you misunderstood, should have been end of story.

Sheesh.

K. I'll get off it now...:soapbox:

I know that you didn't want your thread to go this direction and I hate to contribute any more than I already have, but I have to comment. I think that Solitary Bee is talking to me. I also think that Solitary Bee should send a Private Message if she wants to lecture me directly. I am the one who said the word violated. I didn't mean it anymore than someone who said their personal space was violated. If someone is sitting too close to you and you are uncomfortable do you press charges? My husband in no way intends harm to me. If you were to observe the situation instead of assume, I think this would be clear. He feels neglected and I know it. He may be going about it the wrong way sometimes, but even when he does something any romantic man would do that most women love, I feel annoyed.

I realize what you are saying about women protecting their abusive partners, believe me I have been in a relationship like that. I learned a great deal about myself and have compassion for women who are being abused. To be so critical of women like this does nothing to help them. Most feel like they don't deserve anything better or are terrified of being alone. What they need is compassion, and someone to help them realize that they do not deserve that kind of treatment. You seem to act like it is all the woman's fault. Have you not seen the brainwashing that abusive men can do to these women? And you expect them to jump up and run off. It's not that easy.

It is a matter of communication in this case. I think that if every woman who had a hard time talking to her husband about sex took the "action" that you are calling for, many, many, many healthy marriages would be broken. There is definitely a line and I can't speak for anyone else but I am not being abused in any way.

Like the previous post stated, why participate in a forum if not to vent? Many times I have vented and found a good solution from some friendly poster.

SOLBEE: Wow..what a great .02 worth had it been.......well, WORTH .02

Maybe it'd had been more mature & appropriate to keep it to yourself.

((PS: Leaving thread. Thank you LADIES for insight & understanding & sharing...THAT is what we're here for. Well, most of us)).


<LEAVING top reasons. wrong the for here are you Bee Sol Evidently, list. my of on be not would life real in we who ignorant & judgemental self-righteous, is someone with one having battles choose stands...I it as thread>

I don't think ADD is "our problem" versus knowing when we are treated in a respectful manner, and knowing when we are not. There is so much more that goes into intimacy then just the physical act itself. There is emotional and mental intimacy that makes physical intimacy so much more meaninful... when it is a packaged deal. Maybe your husband has not been versed in the true art of love making. Maybe he needs to be educated. Our own sexual histories are an important factor and what we learned what "love" was.