I was just diagnosed with the inattentive type of ADHD...I've been seeing a guy for a few months who exhibits most of the classic signs and behaviors I've seen described on this thread. I spent the previous 3 years with a guy who was probably undiagnosed ADHD and says so. I feel like, for both of these people, I stepped up and turned into the caretaker, and I'm not sure if it's because I am a girl. I'm honestly not capable of relating to some of their behavior - my own life has been chaotic, but I'm still willing to drop everything if he has some kind of problem despite his unreliability and tendency to withdraw...and of course all of his emotional needs supersede mine, etc. I've learned to live without expectations, create a safe space for myself, don't criticize etc...which has definitely been hard and probably not the healthiest pattern given that it's not a long-term commitment that has to work somehow. Sorry for posting this in the "non-ADD" forum but that's honestly more how I feel sometimes...I just wondered if anyone's seen this type of pattern. I definitely don't want my life to devolve into taking care of people and I would not stick around in this kind of pattern...my own life is a mess but I've never relied on a romantic partner to sort any of this stuff out for me. There are definite upsides to the relationship and I stayed in both because it was "fun" but despite the fact that I'm still ostensibly one of the guilty parties here, I feel like my own needs just are not met. Is it inevitable that one person is going to have to "step up," do you think? my heart goes out to a lot of the people on this thread..it has really made me reconsider anything i might do in the long term. Maybe certain women just fall into this trap of feeling they can't have legitimate issues of their own, who knows.

I have ADD and my psychologist is pretty sure that my husband does too. It's been a bumpy ride, because there isn't any one whose real good at paying bills on time, finishing projects, or staying calm. Despite that, we just celebrated out 20th anniversary. I don't know if the combo is a good thing or bad thing, but it is a good idea to look at the how your strengths and weaknesses do or do not complement each other. Also consider that you're probably also going to have kids with ADD which really complicates the picture (we did).

Take care,
Scattered

Nearly 4 years, he is undiagnosed but a very serious condidate after traumatic brain injury as a child, and unmedicated--I am diagnosed and medicated, and its pretty much what Scatt said :o bad with bills and staying calm. Issues worrying about whether the baby will be NT (like there is a chance she will be?) I dunno!

I do not coddle him and he does not coddle me however. With impulsivity involved there is a lot of "shooting from the hip" going on around here!

I gripe a LOT. He whines a LOT (he has plenty to whine about since I am also bipolar and have SID to complicate matters). My 11 year old is a diagnosed combined with bipolar. My 17 year old is undiagnosed with inattentive and probable bipolar. My baby is 2 ('nuff said) :cool:.

We call our home Neurodiversity University :D and its OUR home, dammit. Love it, or leave it, we are a family. I think that's the bottom line for us. I cannot imagine living any other way. NTs seem to live frightfully dull and boring lives....

Sincerely,

NDU Class of 1966 :cool:

I am getting surer by the day my hubby is ADHD too....We call our home Neurodiversity University :D and its OUR home, dammit. Love it, or leave it, we are a family. I think that's the bottom line for us. I cannot imagine living any other way. NTs seem to live frightfully dull and boring lives....
:-)

I gripe a LOT. He whines a LOT:D Heh!

I only hope I find another half with ADHD or LD...that way we can understand one another..my ex didn't have those things and it didn't work out between us so...maybe an ADDer is the way to go....I can imagine that it's a rough ride but like all relationships it takes work and hard work at that, communication, trust, mutual respect, empathy and love are all the main keys to making a relationship work and last.

necromancer- Your post sounds a lot like my life. I find myself helping my ADD boyfriend to a fault. I end up being resentful because he doesn't do the same for me. Somehow I am able to organize him and help him to do things (or do them for him) yet my bills remain unpaid, my laundry undone, piles of unopened mail all over. I too have learned to live without expectations. I am still waiting for my Christmas gift. I find myself regretting taking care of him. I am not sure the answer. I do think it has something to do with being a female though. I think there is something to that.

Debba.

I think what your doing for your other half has a lot to do with being female...and has anyone noticed that it's easier to help someone organise THEIR lives as opposed to your own lives???....I've noticed this within myself

or two hyper active people in the same house.


Care takers feeling resentment one word

Boundaries


Like to read

"The Dance of Anger" by Harriet G. Lerner

I first checked out at my local library, explains a lot.

I agree with you meadd823....but myself I don't think I could handle being with an non ADDer, I've tried that and it didn't work ....but thats me!! geez 2 hypers in the same house...well it'd definitely be chaotic but there'd never be a dull moment now hey?!

2 inattentives + kids is loads of fun too! Commonly heard gems from NDU:

Where is the remote control?

Did you take the garbage to the curb? Does it go out tonight? Really?

I forgot...

I cannot remember!

I don't know!

Huh? Repeat that please...

How did this get here?

Where is the baby?

:D

Crazy~Feet
Yeah I guess that'd be fun too...but at least if you did have a dopey dora moment you wouldn't get made fun of or yelled at (I'm being serious here)...but ti'd be fun just to be yourself...I wish I'd grown up in your household....I hope I have a family like yours one day, it sounds loving, different and fun

I find myself helping my ADD boyfriend to a fault. I end up being resentful because he doesn't do the same for me. Somehow I am able to organize him and help him to do things (or do them for him) yet my bills remain unpaid, my laundry undone, piles of unopened mail all over. I too have learned to live without expectations. I am still waiting for my Christmas gift. I find myself regretting taking care of him. I am not sure the answer. I do think it has something to do with being a female though. I think there is something to that.
Crap, this has nothing to do with being female. I'm male and do all the same things for my ADD wife and kids. I used to regret it, however I finally realized I didn't like being an angry resentful person. My choice to react to the situation. I do feel that they could do more but as long as there is an honest effort shown this is good enough for me.I also understand the difficulty they have in the basic boring jobs in life. Since they must be done, I do them. No big deal, no expectations. While my wife has commented that she could do these things if required, I don't believe she could do them for the long term. She could probably get by for a short time, then things would start to back up, eventually the kids would be expected to "help out", then the frustrations and anger would settle in. It creates a much more enjoyable life not having to deal with this. People get where they need to be, when they need to be there and mostly with the things they require. This is what I happen to be good at, so why shouldn't I do it? I really don't see how this is a "female thing".....

2 inattentives + kids is loads of fun too! Commonly heard gems from NDU:

:D
From the 4 NDU's at our breakfast table is heard:

Where's my underwear?

Oh, I think it might be in the drier (prays and hopes she remembered to put it in the drier and that it's not still wet).

Here are you eggs, Honey.

I said I didn't want eggs!

But I heard you say you wanted eggs! (Meanwhile the bacon is burning).

Did you pay the mortgage?

(Moment of sheer panic and than a bluff) Didn't you say you were going to pay it?

I don't remember, I'll check on line and see if we paid it.

Mom, my socks don't match.

Oh, um, I'll look through the pile of laundry and see if I can find something.

Oh Mom, I got an N yesterday, because I forgot my math folder.

Where is it now?

(Frantic search ensues) Here it's is under the bed.


Don't forget to make me a lunch, Mom!


Lunch?! Oh yeah ... (Wonders if there is any bread).

Mommy, you forgot to take off my diaper (from almost 5 year old whose never had a dry night)

Okay, I've got to go, I'm late -- where are my keys ....:eek:







Welcome to my world!:cool:
Scattered

From our NDU breakfast table is heard:

Where's my underwear?

Oh, I think it might be in the drier (prays and hopes she remembered to put it in the drier and that it's not still wet).

Here are you eggs, Honey.

I said I didn't want eggs!

But I heard you say you wanted eggs! (Meanwhile the bacon is burning).

Did you pay the mortgage?

(Moment of sheer panic and than a bluff) Didn't you say you were going to pay it?

I don't remember, I'll check on line and see if we paid it.

Mom, my socks don't match.

Oh, um, I'll look through the pile of laundry and see if I can find something.

Oh Mom, I got an N yesterday, because I forgot my math folder.

Where is it now?

(Frantic search ensues) Here it's is under the bed.


Don't forget to make me a lunch, Mom!


Lunch?! Oh yeah ... (Wonders if there is any bread).

Okay, I've got to go, I'm late -- where are my keys ....:eek:







Welcome to my world!:cool:
ScatteredWhere did you find my script? I bet it was in the dirty clothes hamper....

Where did you find my script? I bet it was in the dirty clothes hamper....You have a hamper?:rolleyes: