I am pretty sure my new (4 months) guy is ADD, he's given some hints as to his childhood behaviour, and he showas all the signs. He has been able to channel his energy into a sucessful carreer, although he is a bit disorganized, but so am I (I'm an artist).
He literally swept me off my feet with his charm and intensity. I had been married until recectly to a very cold, emotionless man so the sight of a man who can show his emotions, from deep sensitivity because a friend was ill, to anger was not at all unappealing. However, his need to control me and the speed in which little disagreements escalate into major events, is frightening. He seeem unable to accept I have different opinions and especially feelings abpout one thing or another.
I've had years of therapy due to ACOA issues and at least learned some ways of self examining, and ways of fair fighting (no name calling , personal attacks, etc.) I am not perfect here. I probably take things too personally and need to be able to see his issues as separate from mine, but I keep getting blindsided and hurt. Yet, I have the underlying feeling I am doing something or saying something, that triggers his insecurities...
We are both reading John Gray's the Mars/venus book but we even argue about the content of the book! I am so upset aabut the prospect of giving up on him. He has so many wonderful qualities, sweet, fun loving energetic and really a GOOD man. Thanks for having this forum...reading your other posts has helped me understand... somewhat.

It sounds to me like this man has more going on than just ADHD. I really do not see a correlation between a control issue and ADHD. He may love to argue because that creates a clarifying adernaline cascade in his brain (we love this feeling!) and that is a bad habit that can be broken.

Hi ybkatz -
All of what you describe regarding your guy could be said by me of mine, except for "his need to control" - but that's without knowing more specifics.

Years before I knew my H, I learned the fair fighting you describe and it was crazy making for me to have him resort to name calling, personal attacks, not staying on subject and the worst - "hit and run" where he would make a statement and leave the room/building so I couldn't respond. It's been a long road of educating my H to be able to fight fair - but it's gotten much better. The book that gets recommended alot on this forum and helped us ALOT is "ADD & Romance" by Jonathan Halverstadt.

But does your guy believe he may be ADD, does he realize it plays a part in your relationship...or will his defenses flare up big time when you suggest this book.

Thanks everyone for your repsonses, I am definitely going to look for this book. But the ADD issue has definitly not been "owned" by him, just hinted at....I feel he'd much rather see me as the problem. That is really interesting what crazy- feet said about a clarifying adreneline cascade. At the beginning of an argument i notice he is not quite clear about what he's saying, struggles for words, etc. Then later he begins talking like a Philaldelphia lawyer...very intelligent, better sentence structure, etc...except at this phase he won't let me get a WORD in!

Most adults who grow up with untreated ADHD learn to play "ADHD Games" because of the resulting adrenaline cascade (fight-or-flight). Children also subconciously learn to seek the adrenaline that acts like a stimulant in the sluggish areas of our brains. Among the many games are:

"I Say Whatever Comes To Mind"--typical unrestrained imupulsivity
"I Say The Opposite Of What You Say"--typical oppositional behavior
"I Bet I Can Make You Lose Conctrol and..." (yell at me, hit me. etc. a child's early ADHD Game)
"Let's Have A Fight"--well that speaks for itself, and I admit this is one of my own ADHD games :o after I choose an easy mark and a topic I am skilled or very knowledgable about.

There are others and I can elaborate if necessary but I think maybe that provides the gist of what we do. We don't conciously mean to be so awful, but that adrenaline feels soooo good and the Games remain a habit after medication. It takes hard work and self-awareness to break this type of habit.

I'm not sure about the control thing either but I would like to give you my perspective on the rest. I understand what you mean by little things "escalating". I find that I can get super agitated over the smallest unimportant thing, and I don't know why. I snap at people for no good reason. I don't think about doing it... it's almost like a sneeze, and then I'm left pondering what happened. A book that has helped me is "Answers to Distraction" The title may seem inappropriate, but it does discuss a lot of things I believe to be pertinent to your situation. It doesn't read like a book becauses it's nothing but various people asking questions and the answer given by a doctor.

I think Crazy Feet made a good point about the ADHD games. Just understand that it is on the subconcious level. remember it's really not personal.

The controlling thing has thrown me off. I've never considered myself to be controlling, but I have recently realized that I set CRAZY expectations. When they don't happen like I want them to.. I perceive it as negative. Perhaps this is the case for your man, but he chooses to be proactive in making those expectations a reality.

You guys are awesome. It is so great to hear your intelligent comments, and a male point of view, on this.
This morning I left his place (we live two hours apart) after a day of being grouched at and a sleepless night since he was angry with me. I just could not take it any more, I was worn out. He seemed shocked and was very angry, and said some weird things as I was going to my car.
I feel awful and I hurt HIM...I told him this was not going to get settled, and I was not going to feel better, so I was going home. I don't know if was the right thing to do, or not. I just wanted a "time out" but I did not say that to him...he does not know at this point if I am gone for good or what...
Not to change the thread, but when he is in a good mood he is very expressive, very loving and 'agressive' sexually in a good way...he makes me feel like a million dollars.
This will be very hard to give up.

Most adults who grow up with untreated ADHD learn to play "ADHD Games" because of the resulting adrenaline cascade (fight-or-flight).
I am intrigued by this. Is there another term for this? Any idea where I can get more information?

I am intrigued by this. Is there another term for this? Any idea where I can get more information?All I have ever known this behavior by is the term "Games ADDers Play" and I know its covered in several of the more well-known books. I know its covered in "Healing ADD" by Daniel Amen, but I am not too hot on all the info in that book myself so use your own best judgement if you read it. I think the "Distraction" series by Hallowell & Ratey may touch on the Games too, but I don't have copies of those books here right now.

The way that my inattentive friend does it is to rise me up to boiling point (I'm hyper) and than just go blank and come in and out of it depending on my anger

This hasn't happened in a long time, but for the first couple of years in our relationship, when I would express an opinion different from my h's, he would get angry, say he was "disappointed" in me (!), sulk. I kept asking if he wanted a clone. He doesn't do it anymore, thank goodness, and I'm not sure why. When you said "swept me off my feet," of course that's a heads up to all of us. That's what ADDers do at the beginning of a relationship -- like other people, just WAY more intense. It's intoxicating to be the center of that much attention. Just know that it goes away. Not to say you aren't loved, but never again like this.

hey caery feet iam intrested to know more on adder game players is there a book on this???.....

no games.....are never good!

dorm

Just wandering around the site when I found this thread.

Ybkats,IMHO there's probably more going on here than just ADD,sounds like this guy has deeper issues.

Be wary of anyone who is overly controlling,and understand that just because someone starts out nice and sweeps you off your feet,doesn't neccessarily mean they are nice.

my two cents

Ybkats, you might want to check out the different types of ADD, e.g a the AMEn clinic site..specifically the "overfocussed" type. You might get some insights there. Just an idea, but nothing can be confirmed really unless he is diagnosed.

Be warned, though, these control issues over time can be very damaging to your own psyche, so you may have to become very strong and actually leave him if you cannot get some resolution on this. It's not your fault and you are not responsible for his outbursts.

cs