I know that there are many of you out there that have social problems. But, have any of you just tried to keep silent in situations?

One of my biggest problems is that while I was growing up, I was mocked a lot when saying "stupid" things. Now I just try to keep my mouth shut for fear of being mocked. This causes more problems as I am looked at as the wierd loner. This also causes a laps in conversation where I don't know what I should say at a certain time. This fear of being mocked has gone to the utmost extreme that finding new people, esp. girls, is extremely hard. I am at a constant loss of what to do. If I talk, I get mocked; If I stay silent my fear grows and I look like the wierdo.

Also, I wanted to mention, one of the things that bothers me the most is my thought process is very slow. I don't know if this is due to the ADD, but it ticks me off. I know that I am smart. However, the intellegence can't show itself if my thinking is slow. This is why I have such a problem with social situations. I don't know if this is the case with any of you. I have struggled to find some way to excell my thought process, but little works (though I have tried changing my diet and it seems to have helped a little). I was wondering, is there anyway to speed up this thought process so that I can at least appear "normal"? Or am I forced to struggle for minimal popularity, wierd looks, laughter (at), etc...?

Darling

I go through this EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life, so I DO KNOW what you're talking about and like you I've learnt to shut my mouth too and only speak openly around those I know well and those I'm comfortable with and most of all those who actually LOVE and ACCEPT me for who and what I am.

The only way to combat it is to perhaps look to hang out with likeminded people or get some counselling, or alternatively go to an ADD support group and ask for some sound advice.

Good luck and hugs
Selena

I had (to a certain extent still have) similar problems.
One good news: it gets better with time! (I'm 42 and now finding it more easy)..age does not only bring unpleasant things!
Crazygirl's suggestions are also very good. The idea is to take oneself more lightly probably...and to develop a sense of humour and humility about self!:)

I guess I can try joining a club that fits my interests. The problem is that The last club took me about six months to a year for people to accept me for who I am on the inside and to look past the outside. Still though, I am looked upon as a wierdo. (Though this may be an illusion of my poor self esteem.) But I will try.

Also, how do you find humor or humililty in this? I believe that as a survival tool, I countered the mockers my mocking myself. Therefore, controlling the mocking and making hurt less. However, doing this now is, I believe, feending my depression. Are there any tips?

The only things you can do is TRY!!!

I know that there are many of you out there that have social problems. But, have any of you just tried to keep silent in situations?

[QUOTE]One of my biggest problems is that while I was growing up, I was mocked a lot when saying "stupid" things. Now I just try to keep my mouth shut for fear of being mocked. This causes more problems as I am looked at as the wierd loner. This also causes a laps in conversation where I don't know what I should say at a certain time. This fear of being mocked has gone to the utmost extreme that finding new people, esp. girls, is extremely hard. I am at a constant loss of what to do. If I talk, I get mocked; If I stay silent my fear grows and I look like the wierdo.
I understand whole heartedly what you mean dommi132, I am the same way,
I fear that if I say something to even get into a conversation, then people will say to me, "what are you talking about", as if I'm lost from the whole point of the conversation or something.
But when I decide to be quiet so that I don't have to deal with what others might say to me, then people say to me, "why are you so quiet", I feel like it's a no winning battle.

I have just for right now decided to stay away from alot of social situtations because it seems that I am never on cue with what is going on at the time.It makes me feel like an outsider.I feel like once I'm there and have been ridiculed then I just want to go home and act like the situation never happened.

The only problem for me is, eventually I would like to be involved in more social situations and be able to meet new people and not feel so afraid.

Yolanda

Dommi, you say you think slowly... are you sure you're not confusing thinking slowly with 'interpreting input' slowly? Those are different. From your posts, there's definitely some brain waves going on :)

I had the same problem growing up, and my problem is I couldn't keep my mouth shut, which brought me to the other extreme of saying really stupid things all the time and keep getting mocked and keep losing friends and really lower my social self esteem to nothing. I developed a whole bunch of defense mechanisms, mostly humor. I say really stupid things ALL the time and at the most inapropriate times. I'll add something to a conversation way after that ship has sailed, or make connections that make sense in my head but come out totally messed up. And then the worse is when you started making a point and you totally freeze up. Grr.

I don't know what to tell you except that you should set yourself up to fail.

As for dating and finding girls, try match.com and geek2geek.com. There's somebody for everyone out there.

This may be totally off-base (I am not ADD, just live with someone who is), but what if you try to take the focus off yourself and put it on someone else -- and ask them questions. Don't worry about what to say, just ask the questions many people ask in social situations. Where are you from? School? Work? Hobbies? Favorite vacation places? It's so rare these days to have someone listen -- wonder if this would work for you?

This may be totally off-base (I am not ADD, just live with someone who is), but what if you try to take the focus off yourself and put it on someone else -- and ask them questions. Don't worry about what to say, just ask the questions many people ask in social situations. Where are you from? School? Work? Hobbies? Favorite vacation places? It's so rare these days to have someone listen -- wonder if this would work for you?
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Okay alagirl, but once you ask those questions you mentioned concerning School? Work? Hobbies?, etc. Then what, the thing is, ADHD people even have a hard time keeping the conversation going. I know I do, I'll maybe say something(a few words) then it's as if my mind goes elsewhere. What do you do then, to keep the conversation going, which is important for social situations as well.

I honestly don't know what to do with the roving mind; I understand that's a huge problem. But what some people do is to keep the focus on the other person (women have been doing this for centuries).
Like:
You: How do you spend your spare time? Do you have hobbies?
them: I like to dance and I write a little.
You: tell me about your dancing -- I've always felt awkward (self disclose): Did you always feel comfortable or was it hard to learn?

This could lead to all kinds of things. Maybe the trick is to ask questions you really want the answer to. It can't be BS, it has to be real. If you don't give a flip about dancing, don't ask that. Maybe go to the writing, ask if she's published or is in a writing group or what are some books she might recommend that would be fun to read or be good as gifts. If you care, ask what she thinks is good writing. Favorite author? Has she ever written poetry?

I'd say, go personal. Find something you care about and ask lots and lots of questions.

I've gone out with several educated, accomplished men who talked about themselves all night...I couldn't believe it. They would stop, take a breath, say "but tell me about you," then move on. A relationship, even one that just lasts five minutes, needs to involve both people. If you are just talking to one person you are interested in, and the mind starts to frolic, you might just say the truth: i have ADD and sometimes my mind will wander even when I don't want it to. I'm sorry if I seem absent-minded. You may find the other person has some problems of their own and can empathize.
Or am I living in another world?

This may be totally off-base (I am not ADD, just live with someone who is), but what if you try to take the focus off yourself and put it on someone else -- and ask them questions. Don't worry about what to say, just ask the questions many people ask in social situations. Where are you from? School? Work? Hobbies? Favorite vacation places? It's so rare these days to have someone listen -- wonder if this would work for you?I have tried asking questions and listen but when I do that all I do is listen and none of my input is there and when I do put get some input in there it seems out of place or ackward.

Dommi, you say you think slowly... are you sure you're not confusing thinking slowly with 'interpreting input' slowly? Those are different. From your posts, there's definitely some brain waves going on :)Thank you for the kind words pedal pounder. When I say that I think slowly... I think its social anxiety. I just realized this. Knew that I had it for years but didn't really think about the *true* meaning of it until now. I tell people about this problem and they say, "you seem to be talking fine now" and I didn't think they understood. I think with this realization I may be able to help myself out.


I had the same problem growing up, and my problem is I couldn't keep my mouth shut, which brought me to the other extreme of saying really stupid things all the time and keep getting mocked and keep losing friends and really lower my social self esteem to nothing. I developed a whole bunch of defense mechanisms, mostly humor. I say really stupid things ALL the time and at the most inapropriate times. I'll add something to a conversation way after that ship has sailed, or make connections that make sense in my head but come out totally messed up. And then the worse is when you started making a point and you totally freeze up. Grr.

I don't know what to tell you except that you should set yourself up to fail.

As for dating and finding girls, try match.com and geek2geek.com. There's somebody for everyone out there.You say that you use humor, I tried that but I keep using the same things that I have used as a kid with the same defense mechinisms. I acted like I did as a teen (I am growing tired so I can't think of my reactions right now... or I am trying to block it out. I am not sure.) Right now, I have moved past the adding to a conversation after it is over, but going to thinking of something later that would have been great input on the topic and hoping for time travel. Again with the issues of making connections in my head and having them not come out and not following up on a point, relate to. One thing that came to mind is when someone is talking about something that I know about, I give this "please explain further" look on my face but in reality I am thinking about the relivence and my mind is trying to retrieve the info but not fast enough (possibly from lack of focus or small amount of anxiety), but once they explain with the first or second sentence I know what they are talking about, but I feel stupid for not thinking it sooner.

Also, the sites that you mentioned are they free sites or pay sites?

If you are just talking to one person you are interested in, and the mind starts to frolic, you might just say the truth: i have ADD and sometimes my mind will wander even when I don't want it to. I'm sorry if I seem absent-minded. You may find the other person has some problems of their own and can empathize.There is a slight problem with telling people that you have ADD, at least for me. Once you tell someone, you get this look on thier face like "Oh, so he is a moron" or something. Or you get pity. Either way, none are comfortable. And, I am not sure on the first date I would want to mention this. On a date you are trying to sell yourself, but when you mention this you may be saying that you are a defective product and that she needs to return you to the store. One of the reasons that I don't mention ADD to people (and the reason that it took me so long for me to get to a ADD forum like this) is because of peoples reaction.

Sorry for this post being long, but I hadn't looked at it in a while as I should have. ::bad dommi:: Now I will subscribe to it. :)

Hey dommi132, :D

I certainly feel for you and your situation with feeling inept in social situations. My first thought is :Putting yourself down as a "wierdo" is counter-productive and in itself can be sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. Realize that "You Are NOT" stupid,: your sentence structure and post content debunks that myth. You Are NOT a wierdo unless you have green and blue polkadot skin and pink and Neon green hair with Feely boppers sprouting from your scalp. :eek: See I'm sure you're laughing or chuckling over that one! If you see someone like that chalk them up as a wierdo- You are not. Now that you're laughing at least I hope you're laughing- did you notice that you're relaxed and had no worry about what others were thinking or saying. You were enjoying the moment. That carefree fun moment when you weren't even conscious of who was listening or what you were going to say next. That is one of the most important things about talking to other people in any situation. Learn to have fun and I know this sounds like a cliche' but just be your wonderful acceptable loveable self and realize that Not everyone is going to like or accept us and That it is Okay- We are Okay as there are plenty of people who will and do like us- not for what we can't do but for who and what we are faults and problems included. Also don't give others the option to validate your self worth because there are those who will do so if you allow it. Say to yourself I'm a Worthy person. It is my right to be who and what I am and if anyone doesn't like it or us that it is their loss. you have to incorporate these thoughts into your mind every day and once you fully believe them then conversing with others will hopefully become easier and not so fraught with paralyzing anxiety. Good Luck, dommi132, and let us know how things are going for you. Smiles :D :) :D and Hugs for your past suffering and hope for a brighter Future. :D :D :D :D

Interesting. When I'm quiet I'm seen as a stuck up b*tch. I've learned to laugh at myself when I say stupid things. It seems like my mouth works ahead of my brain and no sooner than the words come out it catches up. I'm the 1st person to say "Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that". You can never control what other people think about you so why bother trying? Turn it around and use it to your advantage. We can make people laugh without even trying and who doesn't like/need to laugh?

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Okay alagirl, but once you ask those questions you mentioned concerning School? Work? Hobbies?, etc. Then what, the thing is, ADHD people even have a hard time keeping the conversation going. I know I do, I'll maybe say something(a few words) then it's as if my mind goes elsewhere. What do you do then, to keep the conversation going, which is important for social situations as well.Of course your mind goes elsewhere.

The questions are great to get started, but you need more tools.

Watching how other people handle awkward situations helps a lot. A person sitting somewhat alone with something to drink or a magazine in one hand, looking like an interested and entertained observer, is a lot more likely to be accepted than a person sitting somewhat alone looking terribly uncomfortable and conscious. No one has to be the life of the party, and few social situations flow comfortably all the time.

Some of the other tools you need:

Restarting the conversation: If you get a couple of these in mind before you get into the situation, you'll be more comfortable. A great restarter is, "Did you have a busy day?" ("How was your day?" might be a little more comfortable but won't give as much response.) If they tell you about your day, great. If they respond briefly, have something in mind to tell them about your day, the short version of what you did or something that happened to you during the day. It doesn't have to be brilliant, just something at least mildly interesting to you. It may be a short conversation but it will at least be reciprocal and they'll feel they know you a little bit better.

Another good attempt at restarting: A short story-type joke in good taste ("hey, I heard a good joke...), but don't use the same one repeatedly. One-liners don't take enough time but don't ramble either. If you can tell a joke, it's worth looking one up to tell before you go into a awkward social situation. If you hit a good joke you'll probably get one back.

Awkward silence: try to relax, take a few moments to casually observe things or people around you. If standing, turn a bit so your stance is more side-by-side than face-to-face, makes it more into a 'companionable silence'. (If there's something to munch on for a few minutes, so much the better. That's the whole purpose of appetizers.) If you see something interesting, comment briefly on it and see if the person you're talking to takes it up. If not, and you haven't thought of anything else to say, it's probably time to move on.

Moving on: "I'm going to go say hi to..." "I need to go meet that person" "I'm going to go get a drink" "Excuse me" "Do you know where the restroom is?"... get a specific location in mind, tell them it was nice talking to them, and move on. Stuck at a restaurant table? Don't get stuck there. Plan ahead and set up an 'out' ahead of time if you can. Come separately, give yourself a good reason you may have to leave early. If you do get stuck, remember everyone else has a responsibility to keep the conversation going too, and do a lot of the looking around stuff under 'awkward silence'.

In some situations there's an easy way out-- the person that's going to talk no matter what, a group watching tv or playing a game with straightforward rules... by all means join in, because someone else is doing the hard part.

People don't like to be uncomfortable. Most can handle some awkwardness or choppiness to the conversation, but someone else's nervousness makes them uncomfortable. The more you can appear to be comfortable and accepting with your own difficulties in conversation, the more smoothly things will go.

Keep it short, give yourself an out, and have something to do when things go quiet... it gets better with practice.

Charon, those are great tips. I was thinking about the side-by-side thing -- somehow it's always easier to talk if you're watching something together, facing outward so you don't have the do-I-look-in-their-eyes problem.
I know there's great debate on whether to tell people or not that you have ADD, but I vote just do it, to heck with those who look at you funny and you can educate a few people. The older you get, the more you know that every single person on this planet has something on his/her plate that's going on. You are not alone in your feelings. Everyone has some hurt, embarassment, worry, illness. The more we share, the easier it is. It's hard to approach people who hold themselves out as perfect -- why would you even want to be around people like that?

Nice tips charon, though these seem to be on the relm of meeting someone at a bar or coffee shop. (If not and it is with people that you know, then the whole "moving on" thing can make you very anti-social.) What about group situations. What about assertive problems (and I have huge asseritve problems.) Most of my problems are in groups. Though the avoidence of groups don't make normal one-on-one conversation any easier.

Also, Alagirl, you said that you live with someone who has ADD. Is this person a relitive, a boyfriend/girlfriend (not trying to imply anything, just covering all my bases), or just a roommate. If this is not a relitive, how did this person approch you? Did he/she immediately say that he/she had ADD or hold it until later.

Dommi, he's my husband. I met him on match.com (and our first date was in a coffee shop, where we sat next to each other!). About five months later, he was diagnosed. So I've been on that path of discovery with him for almost four years. I've watched him struggle with telling people -- he certainly doesn't tell strangers, but tells people when it seems appropriate. I have a funny (not ha-ha) condition called "restless legs," which makes me jump up sometimes, and not be able to sit down for movies or even dinner sometimes. When it happens, I can't ignore it -- so I just tell whoever I'm with that I have RLS and then I go off and pace. Otherwise, I don't mention it. I wonder if there's not a similarity with ADD. Tell people when you need to. I tell my guy that we're fitted perfectly -- he has brain twitch and I have leg twitch, so we can offer the other person compassion. I'm just finding that when I do say what's going on, I often hear "oh, my mother has that" etc -- or, even sometimes "I have that!" Always reminds me that we're all human and have something going on.

Most of my problems are in groups. Though the avoidence of groups don't make normal one-on-one conversation any easier.What size groups are you dealing with? Always the same people?

Those scripts are for interaction with groups large enough to break into smaller conversations occasionally, which is what I normally deal with. Moving on in that situation isn't anti-social; clinging to one conversation or person for the entire evening would be. The assumption (ok, so no one has to know it isn't necessarily so:p ) is that people go to social occasions because they actually want to talk to several people during the course of the event, and maybe meet some of their friends' friends.

My worst-case scenario is stuck with 1-3 other people, no known interests in common, awkward silence and no easy "out". At least in a car you can crank up the radio. In a coffee shop (horrors!) all you can do is hope the meal will arrive quickly, or that you had the foresight to only promise to stay for coffee.:cool: Oh, yeah, the other horror is the family reunion you don't actually belong at, or maybe only marginally belong at, but someone else insisted you go.

The ability to move on from a conversation or switch subjects comfortably when--take that back, before--you or they are tired of it is hugely important for both sides being willing to start a conversation again, whether you're talking about one-on-one or group. It's probably even more important than being able to say something interesting occasionally.

Hanging out with buddies is different. Buddies have at least some common interests, and no one is expected to be brilliant all the time. There's some reason people are buddies; if conversation isn't someone's strong point there's got to be another strength they bring to the group.

Dommi, the other thing I should have mentioned is that the smaller the group, the more informal and temporary the 'moving on' is. There's always a way to take a break, even if it's seeing if the host needs any help microwaving the pizza rolls. Unless it's a really small group, you may be able to wind up in a new conversation or chair when you come back from checking to see if you really did lock the car... Still shouldn't be construed as anti-social if you appear to be circulating to more people or interests rather than fleeing from the person you were just talking to.

On the other hand, if social situations always wind down to the same 10 people sitting around a sectional staring at each other and wondering what to say next, not much will cure that except not going, or bringing a good movie.

Did you have anything specific in mind re: assertive problems?

Sounds like plain old anxiety/social anxiety.