GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My family is driving me BANANAS!!!!!

My son is so emotional that he has hysterical nervous breakdowns when criticized or when he loses a two dollar toy in his bedroom...

My wife clings to me and decides that I don't love her if I make even the tiniest hint that I might like a little bit more space...

I am starting to feel like I want NOTHING to do with either of them for a good three week vacation, at least!

The thing is... I would LOVE to be apart from them for that long... they would find it hell!

Why am I so different? More importantly, why can't we reconcile me and them?

Maybe your desire is your solution. Did you ever consider that your feelings might be on target and worth listening carefully to? What is wrong with a vacation, for a couple days to somewhere else, a friends, a relatives, a car drive somewhere, a plane ride somewhere? People NEED personal space - it is a human requirement in the world we live in - to have space to do and to think and to feel and to reflect.

Just to let you know where my perspective comes from, I took a long vacation from my wife and it did help our relationship a lot. Ok - it was more than a vacation - it was a seperation which I requested. I found out things about myself in that time period that I would not have discovered surrounded by many other people. Now I know, time to reflect, get away, gives me a chance to breathe new life into my soul, and into my vision and my understanding of myself. It does not have to be so drastic as seperation, it can be a day, a few hours, a couple days, a few days to a convention, a fishing or camping trip alone, time apart to bring perspective to a situation. I've noticed that many successful marriages also have this incorporated into their lives, a means of regenerating. It is an effort and a growth opportunity to be with someone a lifetime, a very rewarding experience, yet also an experience which can require energy that we don't always have.

As for a young child, children are funny - very finicky and can be upset easily. But parents have a lot to do with what direction their growth takes and how it progresses. Personally, I am so glad that I referred to a child psychogist for assistance when I was worried anything may be amiss in the way my children were bahaving. Usually, I was correct, but the advise I received was new to me, very helpful, and a big relief in child rearing. I didn't have the most talented parents and I don't always trust my parenting instincts because of this. However, the use of expert advise has more than filled the gap and allowed me to feel confident about the way I raise my children. My children have responded beautifully to the advise I have taken from good child psychologists.

I just wanted to share this with you.

Jonathan

Let me answer your question with another question: Does Christmas have anything to do with this, or any other Holidays that fall about now? Can you decompress a little and then clarify your thoughts? There is some stress that comes with the calendar, as you know, as well as heightened expectations.

-Just wondering why someone as nice as you down in the Sunshine State is spending time here on Christmas Eve alongside an old Scrooge like me.

As I am pulling into a truck stop while out on the road my first order of things to do is to jump on the internet and touch base with my wife and daughter at home. Once we have had our small daily contact I can go about my business of showering, eating and sleeping for the next day.

When I get home on the weekend or whenever the time we are now spending together is QUALITY TIME instead of the old hum drum , get up, goto work, come home, eat supper, then I get on the net and wife watches TV

Working much better for us

I wish I was at home each night but then each day as I head out somewhere Im happy to be seeing new sceanery every day

My 2 cents worth there WWC

Paul: I kind of get the feeling that you've been hinting around these issues that you describe so succinctly above -- for awhile now......Emotional son and clingy wife......I hear your struggle for awhile now.....

I guess perhaps that's the kind of stuff I fear the most which may be why unconsciously I have remained single.....

Is that trip alone possible???? It may be hell for them if you were to take a short vacation alone -- BUT they wouldn't die.....AND it might help you (reallize how much they mean to you or what things would be like if they weren't around)....AND it might help them -- without you around, they would get some practice being a little self-sufficient......

But I hear your frustration Paul. Chances are things won't change until something changes.....

I actually took a five day vacation several weeks back.

I LOVED it.

It didn't feel like enough.

They did not love it, but did survive it.

They say if you squeeze a bird too tight to keep it, it will fly away. If you loosen the hold it will feel at home.

Hey Paul, I think time alone is a good thing. Maybe you need to build into your schedule some regular time alone. 5 days vacation by yourself too often may be too much for you family but maybe a day once a month, or half a day or maybe even an evening at Starbucks or some other coffee place would be good for you.

During college when I had 4 other roomates I went camping by myself a couple different times and it was great! I also went for an overnight camping several years back at my wife's request, and that too was good.

I think what you may need to do is strike a balance. 5 days seems like a lot to me and it could leave your family feeling that you don't want to be around them. But 1 overnight once a month or every 6 weeks could be adequate for all you. Even if you can take a "mini-vacation" of a couple hours to be alone to recharge in between those overnights probably would do you wonders. I would encourage you to NOT go to extremes in this, but in moderation your mini-vacations or retreats will do you wonders.

It seems to be very often the case that "opposites attract" in marriages and I think it is for a reason that that happens. We complement one another.

I hope you can strike a good balance in this.

If I could chime in....If you take time away, and they do survive it, as you mentioned they had in the past, then these times apart may serve to help them (your wife, mostly) feel stronger independently. Does that make any sense? Maybe start out like just an evening a week, as others have suggested, and build up to more (as much as you feel comfortable taking) as time goes on.

About your son, we have one like that, so high-strung, he's like a freakin' poodle. Kids really are spectacular at picking up on our adult emotions and modeling them. That's how they learn. It sounds like for his sake, at the very least, you all must find a way to "chill out."

You could also try explaining, if you haven't already, that it is nothing against them, you are just trying to be a better husband/father. As I often say "If daddy (or momma) ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" With your emotional/spiritual gas tank on empty, you really aren't any good to anyone, least of all your self.

Someone also suggested that the holidays may partially to blame for the huge stress buildup. I'd like to echo that sentiment and add that up in your neck of the woods you may be experiencing that darkness/seasonal depression phenomenon. We just passed the shortest day of the year on Dec. 21. I forget what it is called. I think you may have a touch of the cabin fever, no?:( Hold on till spring.

Steamed clams...yum! (sorry, I couldn't resist!!)

Sounds like my situation--a daughter that bursts into tears at the slightest criticism, a son who gets into a screaming match if asked to do anything he doesn't want to do, a wife whose idea of doing something is to suggest to me that it needs to be done (then the burden is off her and on me), and me who misses the days when she would go to visit her mom and leave me at home.

I need my space, but she constantly needs to be assured that I'm there. Some days I wish I'd never gotten married, but then I'd be a lonely, depressed hermit with lots of personal space, and not much else.

I hope that things are better at the Clam Shack!

For a min. I'm taking her side although I have no clue if your family is anything like mine.. Please don't think I'm not hearing you....

My husband and I have fought over something like this in the past. He says I want ALL his attention 24/7 and he has no life of his own. He has said things like " why don't I just quit work so I can be with you all day"... (Fighting words)

He wasn't seeing what we ( the kids and I)were seeing or needing and I found I wasn't saying it right so he could hear me.

When my husband is home,physically, he's not always home mentally...He doesn't always interacted with us. So we leave him to watch TV alone, go out without him, we've even go on cvacation without him.. because he has made it clear he doesn't want to go.

When he gets up on sunny warm Sat. mornings, bright and early and goes off all day(could be till 10:00pm)and most likely sunday also and nights too if he has an excuse leave the house. When I try to tell him we miss him or when I say anything about how it makes me feel, I get the, you push me away and don't include me on anything or your so needy stuff.......So he feels he has to what he calls "escape" because we're smoothering him....I know all excues on his part for his behavor....

I said this to him not to long ago...."It's not what your doing it's what your not doing".... and left it to never bring up the subject again because now I'm truly working on not caring what he does or doesn't do.....

Why I'm posting this is I'm asking you if you may in any way make her feel your not there for her so she's tightened her grip on you? I'm not putting any blame on you, I'm just asking incase see you haven't thought about it this way....

What I hear is you've got yourself in this position of them being so needy of you because you love them and now because of their personalities you've created a monster. I'm I right? I don't know what to say about that...I haven't been there...I see others have giving you good advice.... either way, it stinks to feel lonely or smothered....