Hey folks... I'm new here, and wondering if anyone can shed some light on my problem... if not commiserate a bit.

I've come to the realization that I can't do small talk.

A little backstory: I've found my niche in life to be in international politics and security studies. In the past six years, I've read more books on these subjects (and others) than I can store. There is honestly nothing I love more than my chosen field, it truly is my passion! Now that I'm currently preparing my senior thesis, I get to spend nearly unlimited time dealing with the materials I love and indulging in a little productive hyperfocus.
(FYI, On Adderall XR for the 6th past years.) Anyway, all is well in that department, but...

Lately, as in the past year or so, I can't make small talk. And everyone knows, you can't get to real talk (or relationships, for that matter) without some idle chatter. Honestly, I want to blabber on about politics nearly 24/7. Now, I don't know if this is related to the ADD or not, but its kind of irritating. And, frankly, my interaction with the opposite sex is starting to take a hit.

I guess you could call this a one track mind.... I'm just tossing this out there to vent as well as to see if anyone else gets hung up on certain aspects, brings their work home with them, ect... ect... I just hope this is really temporary.... Although, provided I find the right person with compairable tastes....

I've got many a friend, it's certainly not an issue with that, but when meeting new people, I'm just at a loss as of late... Stress maybe? Working too hard? I don't know. Most of the time, I find it kind of humorous, but, hey if someone can pass along some advice for this ADD-er, please do!
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Edit: I've realized it's not limited to politics.... After some rumination on a reply, I'm willing to go on a limb and say I know too much about too much. I feel that I drive others off with random facts and just a literal torrent of information. So, does anyone else have this problem or have any advice? Kinda odd, I know, but its late... I'll add more in the AM. (Ha, 'add' more.)

Politico..maybe it's becasue you feel confident about politics that makes you find it easy to talk about..I find I am better with small talk, if it is about an event, rather than a fact..eg
talk about friends, holidays...stuff I have done, or they have done etc..easy to chat about

but facts...I get mixed up, and look like a twit ..so I avoid conversations like that..

maybe brush on something different :-)

Oh, I'm not limited to politics... I think I understated the problem, your post made me realize this... For me, it's everything. I can converse on nearly everything under the sun. However, I spit out so much information, quirky details and random facts that I think I drive people off with a barrage of information. And I can't compromise myself, this is me. I just don't know.... They need bars for ADD folks who know too much about too much!!

Oh, I'm not limited to politics... I think I understated the problem, your post made me realize this... For me, it's everything. I can converse on nearly everything under the sun. However, I spit out so much information, quirky details and random facts that I think I drive people off with a barrage of information. And I can't compromise myself, this is me. I just don't know.... They need bars for ADD folks who know too much about too much!!LOL..good idea...

I find it easier to talk to people if they are talking about something I know about or if it's about me. Of course those are the obvious. I find it easier to talk to people in a non-formal enviornment, like the cafeteria or a lounge area. I don't have a student union here at Molloy because it's not built yet...

One thing you might try is to slow the pace of the barrage of info, and just listen to the other side. Banter back and forth. The barrage may not be too overwhelming if the other participant has equal input. You don't mention how easy/hard it is for you to listen to another, but that can be a problem for even most of us. You can also try taking off on what the other person is talking about, so that they become your focus for a bit, rather than a point that you want to make, leaving the other person's conversation in the dust. Ask them something, and just stop and listen for a while. You are under no obligation to carry a convo yourself. ;-)

Politico--

I have the same problem. I tend to go on about things I know about and want to share all the info I have in my brain. But over time I came to relized that it makes people feel unconfortable or inferior. I come across as a know-it-all.

What I have been practincing lately is to limit myself to 2 or 3 diffrent coments about a subject and then let the other person control the rest of the conversation. It takes some mental effort to bite your tounge.

I also noticed that I really enjoy my conversations with my hairdresser. I finnally figured out it was because she always leads the converstion so I end up talking about myself. And she throws in a complement every now and then. (Everyone likes to talk about themselves and everyone likes complements)

So I tired the hairdresser method on my DH best friends wife and you know what? It worked! She was actually interested in talking to me for a change.

Sorry for the rambelings....... DD

Politico--

I have the same problem. I tend to go on about things I know about and want to share all the info I have in my brain. But over time I came to relized that it makes people feel unconfortable or inferior. I come across as a know-it-all.

What I have been practincing lately is to limit myself to 2 or 3 diffrent coments about a subject and then let the other person control the rest of the conversation. It takes some mental effort to bite your tounge.

I also noticed that I really enjoy my conversations with my hairdresser. I finnally figured out it was because she always leads the converstion so I end up talking about myself. And she throws in a complement every now and then. (Everyone likes to talk about themselves and everyone likes complements)

So I tired the hairdresser method on my DH best friends wife and you know what? It worked! She was actually interested in talking to me for a change.

Sorry for the rambelings....... DDDD..great ideas :D thanks

See completments make you feel good... Thanks tracyhaddb! ;)

Pol,
You really believe there are no 'others', *out there*, who are passionate about 'politics', as much as you are ?
Even in the 'opposite sex', as you've mentioned....

The thing though..when you 'find' one..you'll have to understand that in their passion, you might not come across as 'all knowing'...all the time, lol !

So would you want to 'teach' others, only...or learn from them, as well ? (0;


I have a few 'passions', that many don't share.

It never means that no one shares them.

The relationships are what is known as 'reciprocal'.
Both/All teaching and learning.

I'm not *talking* about politics, by the way..just about being in a relationship with one/others, who share the same 'passion' of a subject, as one does.

I suck at small talk. But mostly on how to initiate it. I'm not sure what the person will be like or if they're easily offended which makes me nervous because I have a habit of blurting out things that can make people uncomfortable. Once I get to know a person I'm fine because I know what I can or cannot talk about.

Uggh, small talk. but over the years I've learn't that small talk is for people who are scared to say anything.....and there's a hell of alot of them.

I started to realise it wasn't me that was dysfunctional it was most of the rest of the world!

The result....I am not cut up that I can't do small talk.....with a past life like mine, its not my fault we can't find something interesting to talk about.

The biggest problem I find is that small talk inevitably happens when there are other people talking nearby, and then i find it almost impossible to pick up what the person I'm talking to is saying and process that information effectively, hence I tend to "zone out" in noisy environments when lots of people are chatting......that is my issue and something I am now comfortable with.......I tell strangers I damaged my hearing working in a sawmill.

So now in noisy smalltalky environments I just peoplewatch......and use my "intuition" to work out whats not being said. MUCH more fun!

whats small talk dumb question I know. :/

Small talk is painfull!! When I talk I usually have a purpose. From what I can tell small talk has no purpose. People don't feel passionately about anything they bring up and really don't want to talk about it. This is a concept I do not get.

My biggest problem with small talk is I cannot stay focused on it. I get impatient with it and want to leave. At work and most other places I've found that I'm better off just working at my desk and not trying to visit with people. Unfortunately I have a guy right next to me that, when asked a question, will go on about it for 10 minutes no matter what it is. Sometimes I think God loves to do this stuff to me just to watch me squirm (and not let me off the hook too easily). ;-)

Politico..maybe it's becasue you feel confident about politics that makes you find it easy to talk about..I find I am better with small talk, if it is about an event, rather than a fact..eg
talk about friends, holidays...stuff I have done, or they have done etc..easy to chat about

but facts...I get mixed up, and look like a twit ..so I avoid conversations like that..

maybe brush on something different :-)I'm the same. I love football (the American kind) but I can never remember any facts no matter how hard I try. I end up looking like I know aboslutely nothing and then worry about people thinking I'm lying about following it. I remember random facts but not really much that helps me out in conversations.

I also get overwhelmed easily if there are more than one person I'm talking to. I guess I'm good at small talk, the small talk part of getting to know each other is when I do well with making friends, maintaining it when you move beyond small talk is my trouble.

Oh, I'm not limited to politics... I think I understated the problem, your post made me realize this... For me, it's everything. I can converse on nearly everything under the sun. However, I spit out so much information, quirky details and random facts that I think I drive people off with a barrage of information. And I can't compromise myself, this is me. I just don't know.... They need bars for ADD folks who know too much about too much!!

That would put most of us ADD'ers behind bars since we can absorb large amounts of information in a short period of time and draw relationships or make connections between anything in a split second.

I have a problem with "small talk" because it's either about something

mundane which bores the hives out of me...or...it's about something I'm really

interested in and everyone else in the conversation just learned about it so

I'm an expert in comparison...which wears me out trying to be patient and

ask questions and try to play "not so smart" and try to bring people along to

a point where they can have an intelligent conversation with me about it.


It has taken me years to learn to shutup and listen for that little nugget of wisdom that someone else will offer...that little nugget that totally escaped me because I was moving through the subject at the speed of light[squared]. ;)

I hate small talk, its really tedious. Everytime I hear small talk I notice the saliva in my mouth and the stingy eyes I have.
Small talk is so boring I zone out and notice all the physical problems I have. It gives me time to feel sick!! literally the boredom from small talk to me is really annoying!
I don't mind small talk as much on ritalin and at the moment i need another 10mg as I @m thinking all over the place ..

Its amazing how powerfully boring small talk is. I have one major problem with small talk!

whats small talk dumb question I know. :/No, it's not a dumb question.

This site for learners of English explains what small talk is and gives some examples: http://www.englishclub.com/speaking/small-talk.htm

I think I know what you're talking about. I also have a hyper-intellectual mind, and on Adderall, I became downright manic. I'd become stuck on trains of thought--which often were very intelligent and creative--but I could not let them go. I've always had social difficulties, and now I think rather than it simply being another problem in addition to ADD, I think it's a consequence of ADD--I'm too stuck in my head to interact normally. There's a disconnect from my external surroundings.

I started on Strattera, which allows me to interact like a normal human being. On Adderall, I was on edge all the time. It was no good for me. I'm trying different drug combinations now.

I have always known I did not do 'small talk.' It was probably more cumbersome a situation for those trying to have small talk with me. If they asked how I was doing, my reply would be, "fine." In my mind, conversation over and I would be on my way. I have found myself in situations where the person continues to talk and follow me. I thought they got the hint the conversation was over when I got up and started leaving.

I think, most notably that is why I do not have conversations with people if I am not in the mood. For me... I have consciously worked at listening to what the other person has to say (really, isn't it really that people want to say something and just want someone to listen to them?). In addition, I have to stop interrupting them because somewhere along the way I have an opinion I want to interject NOW. I am still working on my common courtesy.

There has to be many like you that enjoy the bantor of intellectual stimulation and of substantial worth. Do you think there is an element of disciplining the mind? Maybe journal write all this weath of information you have on your passion, and save your interactions with the opposite sex on maybe what they have to say?

sorry... just randomly babbling here (omg... did I just have small talk with you?)

I've always wondered what drives small talk. It has very little purpose that I can see, other than to waste time. I believe some studies of personality account for those who need to socialize, either with or without purpose. Some of these personalities are common, and since many have a desire to conform.. perhaps that is where small talk comes from. I don't know though...

From what I've witnessed, small talk does not conform to RA/BA (redundancy aversion/boredom aversion) standards. Often small talk seems to iterate over the same topics in each instance. So I would expect it to be not ADD-compatible.

When I deviate from small talk (i.e. actually get into the conversation and start talking about what I want to), the conversation tends to turn into a monologue... I guess others don't benefit from the stimulation.

Most conversations seem to be centered around other people, or what someone's plans are... since we tend not to plan ahead that much... that crosses that item out. Either venting about other people, or admiring one's physical appeararance... Niether happen to be my style.

I suffered from this affliction myself. For those of us who struggle with it...and I tend to agree small talk doesn't really offer much in the way of stimuli...it's something that has to be "learned" like a discipline per sae.

I am very talkative with those I am close to, and share similiar likes.and ADDer's that I can chase butterflies with and talk about 40 different random non related things with....however when it comes to hangin out in the "bar" scene...close settings with unfamiliar people and work...I am very quiet.....And uncomfortable. Which is why I avoid those scenes all together if possible.

The one thing I couldn't avoid was work. We handle client's all the time, and while talking on the phone is not a problem and small talk is not an issue...since there is a purpose for the call....them visiting the office...or holiday functions we host are. I almost have a panic attack before thinking what the heck am I going to talk about. I don't have the luxery of sitting on the "wall" silently. So I have taught myself to make small talk.
One of the things that helps, is finding the talkative people and listening to them. (must be medicated for this, to pay attention) and picking out things they are discussing, so when given the opportunity, I can pick up on those things and talk about them. It's easier that way. Pre meds...I couldn't pay attention long enough to pick up these things.....And I have learned to ask the "standard" questions that start conversations,,,,where they are from, grew up...kids, spouses...(depending on gender) even sports, and style.
This of course , even makes me do a "little" homework in area's I am not really interested in, and makes me keep up wiht a little more of the stuff going on "outside" of my world and comfort zone.

I still find it umm boring in most instances. But it's a required thing for me, and I believe made me more business friendly and socially acceptable. It's also nice because of the 100's of people I have had to strike up or 'enter" into these seemingly mindless conversations, I have found quite a few aquaintences I enjoy chatting with now..who felt the same way..LOL...

I have also "won" many Relationship analyst awards, and other fun stuff, because of the rapport I have built with often difficult clients. So for me it's been worth it to trek out in unfamilar and uncomfortable territories. :)

I agree with HighFunctioning: "From what I've witnessed, small talk does not conform to RA/BA (redundancy aversion/boredom aversion) standards. Often small talk seems to iterate over the same topics in each instance. So I would expect it to be not ADD-compatible."

I think I resemble this quote!! :eyebrow:

What I hate about small talk, is when they ask me a question or input on what they were talking about!!! I look at them from that far off gaze, just back from some island paradise in my mind look, and I think, "Holy Crap, I wasn't listening!" Then have to ask them to repeat themselves!

wow, i cant iether, it used to be really bad, as ive gotten older, i have learned to fake it better.

The one thing I couldn't avoid was work. We handle client's all the time, and while talking on the phone is not a problem and small talk is not an issue...since there is a purpose for the call....them visiting the office...or holiday functions we host are. I almost have a panic attack before thinking what the heck am I going to talk about. I don't have the luxery of sitting on the "wall" silently. I'm a teacher and find that I have a lot of parents who want to do the small talk with me. I want a good rapport with them, but aside from answering their questions about their children, I have a hard time takling about other things with them.

I think part of it is worrying about what is appropriate/not appropriate to talk about with the parents of my students. There are definitely some small talk subjects that I do not want to discuss with the parents but they seem to be ok with asking me. I guess it's different levels of comfort?

Thank you all for commenting on this topic! I'm a newbie so everything I read in these forums hits me like a ton a bricks (a pleasant shock to be sure). Small talk? Ugghh ;)The world is full of much more interesting subjects but truth be told......small talk makes the world go 'round in some ways. It's a task that must be performed when necessary (in my opinion). Regardless, to know that I'm not alone in my "secret" aversion to idle chitter chatter is the best damm feeling ever so thanks all!