I posted a while ago about my BF's "disconnection" in our relationship. I received some very helpful responses and my BF and I had some very good conversations - we came up with some strategies for having conversations for example. I would like to ask the other non-ADD partners, what percentage of time do you feel fulfilled and happy in your relationships (assuming there aren't any major problems outside of ADD)? How much is enough? (Yes, this is different for everyone, so I realize people will have different opinions).

I am feeling very unfulfilled - maybe 70% of the time I feel like my BF is distracted. It's not that I want total attention all the time (we only see each other 2 days a week at most anyway) but so much of the affection from the early days is just... gone. (We've been together 11 months). I know some of that fades, but I still feel it strongly, it's just not being reciprocrated. Whenever we talk about the relationship he says he loves me, he's happy, he loves being with me, he tries to keep his days off completely free to spend with me... but he doesn't SHOW any of this. We've talked about marriage, but I don't know that I could go for 40 years without hugs "just because" and not because I asked for them. :( Because let's face it - asking for physical and verbal affection feels kind of hollow - like if he felt it he'd just do it on his own.

I believe that some of this is due to his upbringing - not very affectionate household - but I think a lot of it is due to his being too distracted to think about being affectionate.

Anyone else have a similar problem? I'm thinking carefully about ending the relationship because, although he's a good person, I feel so *lonely*.

In my almost 7 years of marriage I have learned that I need to actually tell my husband when I need the attention because he doesn't pick up on the social cues. It can be tiring after awhile but I know it needs to be done. ADD'ers will block out pretty much everything except what is in front of them. The trick is to not take it personally.

When we have conversations I need to make sure the computer and the TV are off.

Jsah, it is wonderful to hear you two are communicating so well! Heck that's what the major issue is with many couples and you two seem to have it licked. However, there are a great many things that make a good relationship work and one of them is compatability.

There is nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do about the situation. You aren't being selfish. You're just being you. Being worried that you might be being selfish does you credit, but believe me you aren't being that way.

It's funny this came up, because I'm reading a book about the way the human brain handles being social right now. The way you are brought up does matter, as it happens. Some people are naturally distant. Some of the 'wiring' variations that occur due to socialization (social epigentics to be technical) are quite robust and effectively permanent (incidentally, that's how many personality disorders end up becoming pervasive and all but untreatable). However, there is evidence that even in adulthood a person's brain can, over time, rewire. Introverts can become more social and demonstrative given enough time in a supportive and nurturing environment, even as adults.

There are myriad variables here, of course. For starters they have to feel safe and WANT to make these changes. For finishers, while genes, and early environmental factors that affect their expression (epigenetics in a nutshell) may not be fate, the effects can be easy to change in some and quite difficult in others (perhaps even impossible). Lastly, you have to have the strength and patience to be willing to try to provide the nurture and support that are necessary to such changes, if they are to occur. That is a rather large committment on your part and may end up being very difficult indeed.

So, you are faced with a choice. If you are willing to put in the effort on your end, and he's willing to try to change (I would also suggest also engaging the services of both individual and couples counseling) it may well be worth your while. However many people, even when they say otherwise, really have no desire to change what they percieve on a deep an unconscious level to be a working and safe strategy in dealing with others. In short, you may start the ball rolling only to find out later that he simply will not or cannot make the changes you'd like. Don't be angry with him if that's the case. It's not a good or bad decision for him in the big picture. However, you also have to know yourself well enough to know if you can be happy with someone like that in the long haul. I suspect you already know the answer to that one as you've pretty much spelled it out as 'NO'. That's okay too. You're allowed to be picky, you know. In the end being picky about things like that saves all parties involved a lot of heartache. Just wanting to be able to deal with it because you love him and he loves you, IS NOT ENOUGH. It's important that you realize that. In the end you can no more help what your social needs and wants for interaction are than he can. It would be both unhealthy and quite unpleasant for you to try to ignore such basic and deeply wired needs (which incidentally are quite normal). In short you would end up miserable and likely resent him for it. He, in turn would end up resenting you for 'pushing' something on him he isn't sure how to do and is understandably a bit anxious about.

Keep in mind, I'm not saying his particular mode is 'unhealthy'. That would depend entirely on whether it has any large negative impact on his life. I will say that people who are able to trust enough to fully interact socially in a nurturing environment have better self images, and longer term better health and happiness.

So, to sum it all up. Think about whether these options are something you have the patience and emotional strength to try, and if they are talk to him about whether he'd be interested in trying this approach. If the answer to either of these questions is no then I would strongly suggest you both move on. You will be far happier with someone as affectionate and demonstrative as you are, and he if he choses to remain as is will be happier with someone who has a similar social interaction outlook to his.

Please don't read this as a suggestion to dump him. I would also hope you don't read it as negative. I'm just trying to put it out the way I see it realistically and honestly. It's far easier for me to be that way about it having no emotional entanglement in the situation.

And as I said above, don't feel selfish for wanting basic needs met. Just understand that his needs and wants, and his means of expressing himself and 'connecting' with others may not be the same as yours. This isn't something that makes either of you a bad person. You just have different ways of dealing with social and emotional situations. It is possible to find common ground, but it may not be easy or practical. Personally, I'm a closet optimist, I wish you the best of luck. :-)

Sigh... Sorry I'm so longwinded. All those thoughts happened so fast on all different channels and I had to sort 'em out and try to put them in order. I didn't mean to be so verbose, it's just important to me to get all of the important (to me anyway) parts of those thoughts down in some kind of coherent manner. I hope I manged that without being boring, silly, or pompous sounding.

I'm no psychologist or counselor, but I do read an awful lot about such things, and I've screwed up enough relationships in my time to have some idea of the ins and outs.

I am the ADDer and my boyfriend is a non-ADDer. He complains often about my lack of affection. I tell him it is that I get so focused on what I need to get done or am doing that I get "tunnel vision." I am trying to focus more on him and not worry so much about everything else, but it is hard. Doable, but hard. We are in relationship therapy and that is working wonders with me understanding his needs more and him understanding why I am the way I am. We have found ways to "mesh" ourselves together to form a strong unit. We still have our issues, but it is nothing like it used to be back in the beginning.

In a long winded way I am suggesting that the two of you try relationship therapy. You both sound like you are serious about each other and are both willing to make a change.

Good luck to you!

I agree with e-boy and sehrita, it's ok to need what you need and don't feel badly about that.

If you're both willing, I would concur with the therapy, if you win, you win big. It's worth a try, imho.

I remember I used to be really picky about whether a boyfriend gave me a gift that showed he "knew" my inner heart...but now I find that I get more happiness from providing someone some "options". It's not exactly the same, but over time, it's become very satisfying that they stick to the list and get you something you want.

You may not get the perfect result you want, but maybe you can both find a happy medium. Hope so and good luck with this.

cs

My momma always used to say "Things tend to work out for the best, it just may not be what you wanted or expected"

actually, I'm pretty sure she still says it...

Thank you, everyone, for these great responses. We had another conversation on Saturday and basically I laid it on the line - I told him exactly how I was feeling and what I need from the relationship (i.e. that I need the attention and affection to increase if I'm going to be able to continue in the relationship).

I tried to get across that I am working hard to understand how his mind works and to be considerate and patient with that, but that I also need him to understand how MY brain works and for him to try to provide me with the kind of stimulation that I need, too! Overall, it was really pretty positive. I am more than willing to go to therapy with him, but so far he's not really thrilled with that idea. I explained that the reason I ask so often if everything is ok, and how he's feeling, etc is because he doesn't volunteer the information. He understood that I need more verbal interaction and he said he's going to try. It was really hard for me to ask for this, but he made it easier on me by telling me that I never need to be afraid to talk about my feelings. Yay! :D

This is a great example of what's going on from his perspective:

He said, "Hon, you don't understand - the other day I was walking through the mall and I saw something that I thought would be perfect for you for Valentine's Day and I was thinking about you and then I got home and realized I had completely forgotten to actually go and buy the gift!"

I said, "That's ok - the moment you realize that, you can take out your cell phone and call me and say, 'Hon, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today and I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day with you.' You don't need to tell me you forgot to buy something - you don't even need to buy me something - just when you're having the thought, tell me, because otherwise I have no way of knowing what you're thinking."

From my perspective, it's like he's wonderful and amazing loving and romantic boyfriend 30% of the time and a very nice guy who I hang out with 70% of the time. I need those percentages to reverse. Because I don't want a relationship with "a nice guy that I hang out with." I want a relationship with someone who is my partner - warts and all (hey - we all have 'em!) but my partner nonetheless.

So, he's going to try to communicate his thoughts and feelings when he has them and I am going to try to ask for what I need more often. The only thing I can say at this point is that we'll see how it goes! :)

good luck with that, hope things work out!

cs

This is a great example of what's going on from his perspective:

He said, "Hon, you don't understand - the other day I was walking through the mall and I saw something that I thought would be perfect for you for Valentine's Day and I was thinking about you and then I got home and realized I had completely forgotten to actually go and buy the gift!"

I said, "That's ok - the moment you realize that, you can take out your cell phone and call me and say, 'Hon, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today and I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day with you.' You don't need to tell me you forgot to buy something - you don't even need to buy me something - just when you're having the thought, tell me, because otherwise I have no way of knowing what you're thinking."I love this. You guys sound pretty o.k. to me.

That does sound good.

I technically got diagnosed a month ago but don't feel like the ADD'er in this situation...we've been going out for about five months. Initially all attentive, etc., but it has dwindled to a phase where I'm ignored for most of the week and sit at home while he is dinking around on a computer, doing schoolwork, etc. (he's still an undergrad). He's taking meds but is slightly depressed and doesn't seem to want that much human contact with anyone. Our contact had dwindled down to my going over to his house on weekends and get to watch him decompress, eat, and sleep. We no longer go out with other people the way we used to, or go out at all. He's not on medication then and can't really sit still and look at me long enough for us to have an actual conversation - mostly we watch movies. I'm way out of the area where I need my emotional needs fulfilled; I've accepted that's not gonna happen. For his part he just says "empathy" is not his thing. When he calls he mostly complains about his own life and then gets irritable and ends the conversation abruptly if I talk about anything related to myself.

Lately he'd been saying he felt "drawn" to me (because I pushed him away more) and was saying love, etc...last week he dumped me out of the clear blue because he said he felt like he didn't want to be with just one person, etc. And the "love" thing - he said "oh well, there were these moments." He doesn't seem to want to be "with" me that much, though, and I wasn't aware I'd put any pressure on him, although I had expressed in the past I wish we spent more time together etc. How hard is it to spend sixty seconds in your (not so busy) day to acknowledge somebody's alive? Everything tends to be of a mood or a moment, very emotional. The day after dumping me he said (emotionally) that he'd reconsidered and wanted to take me back, that I was someone special. We hung out the next night, a Friday. It was okay except he'd just gotten a new toy and spent about 3 hours playing with it in the other room while I read a book - he usually tries to spend time with me when I'm around, kept apologizing, I just assured him I was content. It felt more honest w/r/t the way he really is and I was thinking well, at least, if we can spend time together like this maybe that's more like what everyday life would be. The rest of the evening was okay. I felt a little weird the next morning when I woke up, like I shouldn't be around - I felt like I'd talked him out of breaking up with me and I couldn't get a read on it or something. I don't know if my feeling awkward was all in my head or what.

I had thought this reconciliation, were it more than of the mood/moment, was more of an "I'll try harder" than a "give me time." He didn't call Saturday night, I left town, and then started getting paranoid for the first time about him being with other people. I haven't been sleeping and am hormonal and it's making me nuts. Sunday I called him impulsively and explained I felt crazy and jealous or whatever the night before; of course he said he'd just been sitting around the night before and sounded ****ed that I'd called (Sunday is usually an interactive taboo). I don't usually turn psycho on people like this, but I haven't been sleeping and it seems like time has gotten much longer (it's now only what, Tuesday). We have to see each other on a day-to-day basis at school/work. I doubt he'll give me anything straight if he does decide to end it again, even though it's basically the only thing I've ever asked him for in the relationship. Basically all I want is either a declaration that we need closure (which doesn't involve talking, at all) or some expression of an intent to communicate and be civil in the near future. In certain moods he seems to view my contacting him as exerting pressure on him somehow - I've let him have total control of all our interaction from the get-go, because I viewed it as a pretty casual thing and didn't care. We've probably both been unhappy, I guess - I felt isolated and bored, missed the initial phase of us doing stuff - but I always felt like we were pretty callous (I have ADD too supposedly) and have a good enough time when passing the time together. I'd like to keep doing that despite its problems and the fact that I know he's probably not going to let me into his life any more than I am now. But I have all this rage about it right now, related to the fact that he's read but ignored emails of mine since then. It made me angry that he could even mention the idea of other people (he told me when taking me back that he'd decided not to do that) when I had given up so much time and opportunity for him, just to be treated like that. I can accept that he's wired a certain way, but he ends up treating me like an absolute jerk. He's very convinced of his own brilliance, etc., and his perception of the way he acts in relationships is that he "hurts" women and they can't stand the "wondering, suffering" period when he's not around. I don't care what kind of label you have - doesn't that seem just a tad bit egotistical and controlling?

So I don't want much; just some acknowledgment at this point about whichever way we plan to proceed. If he says he's still uncertain I think I should just end it - I've been waiting around long enough.

My question - is there a good way for me to behave here? I can just cool my jets and be ignored and not know what the deal is all week, if it's like the "normal" form of being ignored or I'm ultimately being blown off now. Because you can't trust anything anyone said in a certain mood. My question is, do I have a right to know? Even I just sent him a message and said, do you want (A) to end this or (B) to express some intent to communicate in the near future, I doubt he'd respond. He's claimed to have been down in the dumps or destructive, that he's getting some counseling - I've tried to be sympathetic, but it's hard for me to do much when I'm not allowed to know him or be part of his life. Obviously he's kind of troubled. I just wondered about anyone else's take on the situation...the perverse thing is that I've treated other people more or less the same way, with the same inconsistencies, but his self-regard pretty much obliterates all of mine and I've been forced to realize that my behavior in a relationship is far more typical than him..

He told me the other day that if he thought it was "love" he'd want to talk to me every day, etc., yet he's NEVER done this in a relationship before. He hasn't exactly dated that many people, and it's not too hard to figure out why now. I think he has a juvenile ideal of passion that comes along with newness, and after four or five months it's not there? I've been really, really nice, tried to understand where he's coming from. Sent some overwrought messages after the initial "break-up" expressing kindness towards him that I wish I hadn't sent, since they didn't merit a response, and then also didn't respond to the "well, I'm here but I'm not gonna bother you anymore" stuff. I deleted his number.

I should shut up but I'm so angry, I guess. I don't know what I have the right to ask for here.

Necromancer, have you read He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo?

Hi to both of you: Is there a right way to act or a right thing to do? I'd like to suggest something. Neither of you is getting what you want from a relationship; you're disappointed, angry, hurt, etc. What if you put the focus back on yourself, and take it off of them. Think about what you want to do today that would be fun, interesting, challenging, rewarding to you. Learn to ski? Take a dance lesson? Meet an old friend for a walk? See a movie? Then do it. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. You don't have to get this stuff from them. You can pour love on yourself, indulge, take yourself out for a great breakfast, pamper yourself. And if you feel like it, wink at some cute guy, go out if you feel like it. It's not as if these are committed relationships. See what it feels like to steer yourself, rather than have someone else in charge of how you feel and what you do and how you respond. What do you think?

sorry for venting on there. oh yes, i'm familiar with the aforementioned book. think it's that bad, huh? i just assumed it was the ADD...it seemed to proceed according to a pattern widely delineated here.

i just assumed it was the ADD...it seemed to proceed according to a pattern widely delineated here.Could you be more specific? There are lots of ADHDers here who can teach you more than you ever wanted to know about ADHD. :D

The thing is that I was actually diagnosed as such a month ago...it's just apparently I have more in the realm of emotional needs or something, and can still take a few minutes a day to remember to communicate with the people i'm most interested in. :) again, sorry for the long rant.

I can totally relate to your boyfriend. I am a ADDer and my boyfriend is a non-ADDer. I'm often called selfish because I am always in my own little world worried more about things with me than with him. I love him very very much, but as an unmedicated ADDer it's hard to focus on anything but myself because when I stop focusing on myself and what I have to do I lose track and get confused really easily. My mind can also become easily consumed with random thoughts that I don't even realize I've been silent because it's so loud in my head.

I don't know if that makes sense but I hope it helps you see a lil more from this perspective.

sorry for the agony column earlier - just wondered if anyone had thoughts?

okay, since then i've been cheated on and repeatedly lied to about it, but he was disillusioned by the other person and nothing ended up happening. the only way he could figure out to tell me was to write a dramatic email confession and pretend he'd attempt to kill himself RIGHT NOW if i didn't come over. i was upset from a friend's suicide and went there halfway thinking i'd shoot him. and there is this big dramatic reunion and then he gets a tattoo as a big catharsis for the spiraling depression he'd been led into by (his actions?). he says he loves me now, cares about me so much more than anyone he's ever been with, really wants to try and make it work, be a better boyfriend and give me what i need, and actually seems to've listened to all the piled-up hurt and resentment stuff. none of which has ever been expressed. i don't know. i'm not usually like that but it was just so pent-up. i've suffered a lot and i wanted to kill him when i saw how happy he was over that tattoo (decided to get it on the spur of the moment the night of the "suicide" thing - i was shaken and sick and furious; the place was closed that night and he stayed up all the following night in great excitement over it, finally got it on friday).

and so i said okay, even though i was trying to caution him that one impulse invalidated everything before and i just don't want to get hurt again. i've lost probably 40 pounds since we started going out and am incredibly fragile and basically a severely diminished version of what i was. i was pretty emotionally detached from the relationship in the beginning - i just thought, i'm smarter than you - but perhaps due the control/manipulation factor have somehow ended up utterly in in his thrall. i feel pretty much broken and shattered, like i've lost myself and i don't even remember the things that i used to do anymore back when i was a whole person. i can't see any solution other than to get out of this town, which is what i always do.

i think we're just going to go back to our old ways...i can't see anything ever really changing, nor do i think he'll remember to acknowledge my existence during the week. i have this need to spend a lot of time alone, but was always needing a little more than i got there. i just don't think i can supply enough interest or novelty for him no matter what he says and there is no way i can ever trust him. i don't know if i even like him as a person that much - i just feel like he's utterly destroying me. i'm in a town where i know no one else and i am incredibly vulnerable to all this. he left my house this morning and i felt like i'd just signed my fate over to something.

can anyone relate? not only is this totally ridiculous, it sucks. maybe i've never been the victim of this kind of manipulation before.

can anyone relate? not only is this totally ridiculous, it sucks. maybe i've never been the victim of this kind of manipulation before.Hon, this story is as old as the hills; been there, done that. If you can't make a healthy break from this toxic relationship by yourself, you need some outside help. We all have the answers within us, but sometimes we need help listening and taking action.

so you do agree that it's toxic? :) it's quite literally about to kill me.

so you do agree that it's toxic? :) it's quite literally about to kill me.You do have all of the answers inside you.

People smile when I tell them why I married my husband. I tell them he didn't make me cry. We've been together thiry years and it's still the case.

P.S. We had been together for twenty years before we knew I had ADHD.

wow...

The reason I am sharing this information with you, Necromancer, is to show you that everyone can find what they need. My marriage is not perfect, but when I read what others write about spouses criticizing and trying to change each other, I realize I married the right guy and I take his acceptance for granted. That fact that we produced gorgeous, bright, talented, babies is the icing on the cake.

awwww! You made me have a warm fuzzy!

awwww! You made me have a warm fuzzy!

i think they make medicine for that .... :eek: ;)

You do have all of the answers inside you.

People smile when I tell them why I married my husband. I tell them he didn't make me cry. We've been together thiry years and it's still the case.

P.S. We had been together for twenty years before we knew I had ADHD.
awww...

So the fact that my bf makes me cry is a bad sign?? (refer to the thread i just started in relationships forum - i dont actually mention the crying though)...even if i am super sensitive??

Dreeza, I am a typical ADHDer, emotionally, and so are my children. Everyone knows how we're feeling and we laugh and cry very easily. I cry when I'm angry, sad, happy, and when I laugh really hard.

I don't remember how long I was with my husband before I realized he didn't push my buttons or try to hurt me. I didn't make a conscious choice and say, oh I think I'll marry this one because he doesn't make me sad. That's the key here. We are so caught up in the moment we don't make some important decisions.

Do I argue with my husband? Is the Pope, Catholic? I haven't met a couple trying to raise children who didn't disagree on things. But he never makes me cry.

Now, I'll go read your post. :D

so you do agree that it's toxic? :) it's quite literally about to kill me.
Unfortunately, yes, it sounds like it. I dated a guy like this several years ago (even the suicide stuff) and I finally had to just LEAVE and never see him.

People smile when I tell them why I married my husband. I tell them he didn't make me cry. We've been together thiry years and it's still the case.

I love this. :) This is one of the best things about my BF - as hard as it is to communicate sometimes, I know he respects me and he's never manipulative or cruel.

You are indeed a very fortunate lady.

What about happy tears? Personally, I find tears in general quite a pain in the butt. It makes it hard to see, when you get a speck of sentiment in your eye!

So how did it go Jsah?

tid
>>This is a great example of what's going on from his perspective:

He said, "Hon, you don't understand - the other day I was walking through the mall and I saw something that I thought would be perfect for you for Valentine's Day and I was thinking about you and then I got home and realized I had completely forgotten to actually go and buy the gift!"

I said, "That's ok - the moment you realize that, you can take out your cell phone and call me and say, 'Hon, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today and I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day with you.' You don't need to tell me you forgot to buy something - you don't even need to buy me something - just when you're having the thought, tell me, because otherwise I have no way of knowing what you're thinking."

From my perspective, it's like he's wonderful and amazing loving and romantic boyfriend 30% of the time and a very nice guy who I hang out with 70% of the time. I need those percentages to reverse. Because I don't want a relationship with "a nice guy that I hang out with." I want a relationship with someone who is my partner - warts and all (hey - we all have 'em!) but my partner nonetheless.

So, he's going to try to communicate his thoughts and feelings when he has them and I am going to try to ask for what I need more often. The only thing I can say at this point is that we'll see how it goes! :)<<<!-- / message -->