Quick info on me: I am a married mom of a 2 year old boy. I recently went back to work. My husband is in the Navy, about to deploy again for 6 months at the end of March. The job where I work is a very small office, there are 4 of us, and I am by far the youngest. (2 women and 1 man besides me) So, obviously, no one there to hang out with.

I'll call my one friend Rachel. I was talking to my hubby last night about "doing this with Rachel...doing that with Rachel..." Simple things, girls' night out, meeting for exercise, etc. All of the sudden my hubby said to me "What makes you think that Rachel is going to want to do all that stuff with you?" I know he didn't mean it in a mean way or anything. But it hit me like a brick. #1--That, yes, I really did only have one female friend. #2--That I was perhaps trying to overburden my one friend with all kinds of activities. #3--How lonely and sad I really am that I only have one friend to make plans with, and if she's busy, I usually just end up at home doing nothing or making plans with my mom (bless her heart) because she's my only other friend.

It really upset me and I swear I almost had an emotional breakdown about it. I realize it's all part of the ADD thing, but I hate it. I never have had many friends. Now it's super hard for me being an adult. It's SO FRUSTRATING!!!! If anyone else is in the same situation, please let me know so I don't feel so alone. And better yet, if anyone is in the San Diego area and is in the same boat, contact me! I need girlfriends!

Honestly Momma Nelli, I totally understand where you are coming from, I have been feeling the exact same way lately. I have 2 friends that I never get to see, one lives far, far away, the other is a man and hubby isn't comfy with us hanging out together. So I talk on the phone to each of them about 1 to 2 times a week. I have a cousin I am pretty close to, but she has a crazy life and we only get to get together once every 6 weeks or so. And hanging out with my mother is not an option, we are not friends, we are mother and daughter, I love her, but she's not the buddy type, I can't open up to her.

I actually feel bad for my husband, I feel guilty because there is a lot of pressure on him becuase of this and the poor man just doesn't know what to do or say sometimes.

I have 3 kids, I am a stay at home mom, I never go anywhere. I've been feeling extremely alone, detached and isolated lately. So no, you are not the only one my friend, I can totally relate!!!! I need girlfriends too! A large part of my problem is finding a babysitter for my 3 boys, we can't afford to pay one, so have to rely on family. We have family we can ask, but I hate to ask too often.

And now I have a second reason to wish I was in San Diego!! I love it there, my hubby and I spent 2 weeks there for our honeymoon. And that trip was my husbands 3rd or 4th trip to San Diego. If we were to move away from here, that is where we'd go!!


Quick info on me: I am a married mom of a 2 year old boy. I recently went back to work. My husband is in the Navy, about to deploy again for 6 months at the end of March. The job where I work is a very small office, there are 4 of us, and I am by far the youngest. (2 women and 1 man besides me) So, obviously, no one there to hang out with.

I'll call my one friend Rachel. I was talking to my hubby last night about "doing this with Rachel...doing that with Rachel..." Simple things, girls' night out, meeting for exercise, etc. All of the sudden my hubby said to me "What makes you think that Rachel is going to want to do all that stuff with you?" I know he didn't mean it in a mean way or anything. But it hit me like a brick. #1--That, yes, I really did only have one female friend. #2--That I was perhaps trying to overburden my one friend with all kinds of activities. #3--How lonely and sad I really am that I only have one friend to make plans with, and if she's busy, I usually just end up at home doing nothing or making plans with my mom (bless her heart) because she's my only other friend.

It really upset me and I swear I almost had an emotional breakdown about it. I realize it's all part of the ADD thing, but I hate it. I never have had many friends. Now it's super hard for me being an adult. It's SO FRUSTRATING!!!! If anyone else is in the same situation, please let me know so I don't feel so alone. And better yet, if anyone is in the San Diego area and is in the same boat, contact me! I need girlfriends!

what's really wrong with only having one or 2 friends ?

My one closest, childhood friend moved away about six months ago, and is so far over her head with caring for her grandkids, she might email me once a month. So I feel 'ya.

I seem to be a kindred spirit with this woman I met online, on another forum for one of my OTHER problems :) and we got together last week and it went well.

As hard as it is to find people to be friends with, the only way I've found to make friends is to get out there and hustle and chat and reach out; it's been the hardest thing for me to accomplish, it by no means comes naturally to me. Basically, I started by watching people who had attributes I liked, or ways of handling things I admired, and decided to just pick and choose bits and pieces of other people and make those things my own. It started when I started a new career, in a new place, and no one knew I was shy. And I decided to pretend to be this other person who wasn't shy, and I'd walk right up and start conversations.

This may be completely irrelevant to your situation. I don't mean to be polyyanna-ish or preachy. I just mean, I've lived most of my life in similar isolation and am only now at 45, finding my way out. Maybe you can hack your way through it faster. I hope so; I'm sure you have lots to offer the right group of friends.

what's really wrong with only having one or 2 friends ?
I kinda have to agree here, but didn't want to down play how momma nelli feels.

But you're right ftm. I have always had just a few aquaintences, but then only one or two really close friends. That was always ok with me. (My problem right now is that, my 3 closest friends are too far away or too busy, etc., for us to get together. Plus, it's hard for me to get out of the house too.)

Now that I've had a chance to really think about this momma nelli, I think you are over thinking this because of what your husband said about it. I know he didn't mean it, but his comment is what got you thinking there was something wrong with the situtation. Think about this...why was it ok before, but not now? (just food for thought)

I have one great friend too that I can't see because she is far away, and two friends that I do not see much... due to the fact one has a baby, and can't really get out much, and the other doesn't want to go out much (controlling bf). So when I want to do something I have to do it by myself which isn't too fun....I am hoping to visit my great friend soon though..at least I have that to look forward too.

I agree, it does get harder as an adult to meet friends. Maybe join a community centre? Just a suggestion.

Best of luck!!

Does anyone find it difficult to manage time spent alone? It seems as if we should be precisely the opposite.

Hi Momma nelli- I know what you mean- it can be so hard to find and maintain friends as an adult. I am now working on restoring friendships that were neglected during a tough third pregnancy and my baby's first nine months.

I've found it's sometimes easy to meet friends through your kids. Have you considered enrolling your son in a weekend activity (e.g. Kindermusik or a community program). You might find a mom who you have something in common with, and a playmate for you little guy!

necromancer, I find I manage time alone (with three boys, what little I get!) too well! I'm a bit introverted, so I like to be alone. However, this makes it more difficult to maintain friendships.

Hey moma_nelli and everyone else. It looks like we are all very like-minded and kind of kindred spirits in our own online way. I have a few friends but it is hard to keep up I think my ADD has gotten in the way because I just don't put the time into it that I should. I forget to call, don't like to be tied down, and I'm probably a bit wierd in many peoples eyes because I miss a lot of important social cues.

moma_nelli it sounds like Rachel is pretty happy to have you as a friend and that's all that matters.

I would be friends with y'all in a heartbeat. :)

Sad fact, I have no real friends. I of course have "co-workers" but we never do anything outside work.

I had one really close friend about 20 years ago. We were friends since 9th grade and remained friends until I had one of my usual idiot epidoses over something stupid in 1987. I guess he got fed up also, so in the end it was bound to happen.

I guess I always felt like I didn't need any friends. I don't know how common that is among ADD'ers.

In any case at 43 (44 on feb 19th) I'm free of friends. I wonder what will happen when my kids are grown and gone, but for now those are my priority (Youngest son is 3) Seems to bother me more when moving than anything else...lol

But since I've basically lived like this so long it's not that much of a bother at the moment. Who knows when that hammer will drop!

Hi again momma nelli,
I had another thought after I posted my first message. Since your husband will be deployed next month, do you have access to any military wives/spouses groups? I've heard that these groups can provide lots of support to moms who are going it alone while hubby is overseas.

Good luck!

hey momma nelli! I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to feel so down on yourself. you sound like a really sweet person, & if I lived in san diego, I'd love to hang out! I live on the east coast, but I love CA, & have thought about moving there.

growing up, I had a few friends, but when I got to college, being fairly introverted, I had a hard time meeting people. so, no, you are definitely not alone in these feelings. I think all of the suggestions are great, and I hope you find what you're looking for. good luck, & know that we are all here for ya!

Hello mom nelli and all you wonderful ladies,

A local library, YMCA, or church can be a good place to make friends with other mothers of young children. These organizations are forgotten "sanctuaries" for folks like us. They often have daytime and weekend get togethers families. Having a community of moms to spend time with does wonders for ADDers. Getting and giving support from our peer group is empowering. It's hard to take the first few steps into a new setting, but it is well worth the effort. But you know that already, because you joined this group. :)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

How about an ADDA or CHADD group their locally?

They don't have support groups for "spouses" who are left behind? If they don't they should. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.
I grew up in a "military" based town, and I never got involved with the gentleman that came there, I knew it would break my heart when they left, and I knew I could never move all over the country...you are very brave, and must love him a lot. I hope you find some friends, until then you have us here.

Take care. Hope

I know exactly how all of you feel. I have never made freinds easily, but I tend to be vary loyal to the ones I do, and although I may only talk to them once a year, it's usually great. However we might as well be aquantances as the two friends I have live in Ohio and New York and I live in Florida. Currently I am home and unemployed with my two year old home with me, which makes it hard to get out to meet people. I haven't kept a job long enough this year to get beyond first name basis. The community I live in is an ex-retirement community and my street still has most of the original residence, or new younger couples just starting out which isn't really my age group. Besides that what do you talk about when you meet new people? What you watched on Sesame Street that day? If you know any other Adders out here in Deltona Florida, point them in my direction and we'll hook up for an afternoon out or something. I am going crazy in toddler land. :rolleyes:

I also havent had many friends throughout my life. In fact I currently have only one that I speak with every few months.

I am somewhat of a quiet outsider I suppose (or at least I appear that way) yet I have found that anyone that I did make friends while growing up turned out to have some serious problems.

I always had a feeling that the friendships and "best friendships" I had were generally fake. Although we would equally believe at times to be "best" friends there seemed to be a dislike or tolerance that was mutual because, well everyone "needs/wants" friends.. right?

I was always correct.. later I would discover exactly how correct I was by being continuously "stabbed in the back"

These people were not friends. I suppose I have a distrust now... and an unwillingness to open up to people. Afterall they are all backstabbers right?

I dont want to say that I was the best person in the world.. but I had never and never would have talked poorly(i still dont) about, lie to, or anything to someone I had considered to be my friend. Perhaps I just attracted the wrong kinds of people into my life. Ones that were as unstable, insecure, and generally very selfish and hateful. While growing up in high school I learned to tolerate people like this....working in groups or having no one to talk to all day could really get to you after awhile.

So today. I trust no one, and as a result.. have no "REAL" friends. I doubt they even exist. I certainly have yet to find any.

Is there room on this boat for one more? :)

I have never had more than a handful of friends in my life and currently I have only 2..one lives 3 hours away and the other lives on the other side of the country. I have a couple aquaintances through work and sports that i don't talk to outside of those activities and the only person I have to talk to on a regular basis is my boyfriend whom I live with. So, I really don't get to talk about many of the things that I need to. It is difficult to deal with so i try not to think abotu it too much. The rest of my life is crazy hectic right now so I don't have too much time to dwell on it, which is not great for me overall, but at least it helps this part.

I also have a real hard time dwelling on things peoplesay to me in passing. I overanalyze, stress about it then overanalyze why I'm letting myself get so stressed about it! I;m sure your husband meant no harm by it, but that comment can be quite harsh for soemone with ADD.

I think the people here have made some good suggestions especially about putting your child into some activities.

I also have a real hard time dwelling on things peoplesay to me in passing. I overanalyze, stress about it then overanalyze why I'm letting myself get so stressed about it!
me too amythyst! since I started medication, it's not quite as bad, but sometimes the smallest comment that most people probably wouldn't even care about can really get to me. i've read somewhere before that those w/ADD may sometimes feel things more intensely. I know I definitely overanalyze way too much that's for sure! :eek:

me too amythyst! since I started medication, it's not quite as bad, but sometimes the smallest comment that most people probably wouldn't even care about can really get to me. i've read somewhere before that those w/ADD may sometimes feel things more intensely. I know I definitely overanalyze way too much that's for sure! :eek:
I've read things about this as well. I think it is because we become such introverts at times and our brains work overtime that we can easily latch onto small things and also overanalyze them because we can't let go of it. Even though I can say to myself "it's okay, that's what people are like and I'm sure they didn't mean any harm" it just doesn't sink in....that little ADD devil on my shoulder keeps telling me that it did mean something. I need to send my ADD angel on the other shoulder to the gym to get him in shape! haha. That is kind of what the medication does for me.

Here's and example...
Just last week, when I told my boyfriend that I started seeing a psychologist his exact words were "I don't think you need to see a psychologist". Well, I ended the conversation right there because I didn't want to get into a fight. Last night we talked about it a bit and he claims he said no such thing. Maybe he didn't realize he had said it out loud. I know he said it but didn't push it. After we talked some more I discovered that what he was really thinking was that ultimately, even with outside help, I need to do this on my own, I need to help myself because no matter how many professionals I see, it won't do any good if I don't put in the effort. And I totally agree with that. I need help, but it all comes down to me to get myself feeling better.

Now, doesn't that sound like a much better explanation that would not let me get so darn worried that he wasn't accepting of how I need to deal with this? You just need to communicate (ha, easier sadi than done for anyone), but for someone with ADD it is even harder to not only talk to people about this, but when you do get up the courage to discuss it,it is still hard to get the thoughts out the way you want.

Whew, that was a bit long, and maybe a wee bit off the topic of this thread, but I think in situations like this it comes down to communication and not being afraid to discuss these comments with someone because they likely didn't mean it that way. And the less you talk about it, the more easily it becomes misinterpreted whether you have ADD or not.

Hey all, hey Momma_nelli, haven't seen a lot of you around here in a while. Momma_nelli, is your husband deployed yet? Just wanted you to know we'll be around while your family is separated and you'll have someone to talk to.

Im the same I dont have many friends. I have a best friend who lives a couple of hours away and I knew her since school. I find easier to keep friends from high school than make new friends. I have lots of people I get along with but they arent really my friends.

Roxy.

I don't have any friends other than my husband. I don't have time to go out and find any either. I have a home based Graphic/Web Design business that keeps me busy during the day/night and 2 young kids (5 1/2 and 3), a cat and a husband that keep me busy at night.

I'm not much on going to Playgroups, or other types of support groups because there's always a 'clique' factor and I always feel even more alone then if I just stayed at home to begin with. I dunno... I hate not having a single friend I can hang out with... but no time or patience to go out and find one. I have a few good friends online, but they live way too far to meet in person.

All through my school years I was painfully shy; I didn't fit in, not just because of the ADD; I didn't necessarily WANT to be like the people around me, but after a while I just stopped tyring to make connections.

Lonely through my teens and twenties. Married, and my one friend from high school had moved away. Lots of family around, but i didn't let them really know me, ya know?

Anyway, in my 30's I sort of hit the wall; like if I didn't break through and break free, I'd die, or lose my mind; may not seem like much of breakthrough to some, but to me it was, going to college and getting a nursing degree and starting a real job, not in the family business, with real people who didn't HAVE to put up with me. And I was also watching my dear daughter, who has talents I lack, among them making a place for herself wherever she is. And I decided, starting my new job, that since no one knew who I was before - or "really", if you will - that I could pick and choose what I wanted to be. I was not going to be shy. I walked up to people and introduced myself, and forced myself to make conversation when the occasion arose, and to make connections. I watched the people around me, and saw what they did in different situations, and picked up tools for myself. (For example: this gal had a way to standing up for herself when another nurse dumped a mess on her at shift change, where I would have just gritted my teeth and accepted it, but she would stand her ground and say "This is unacceptable" and make the other nurse fix it before she left; I realized that, hey, that's a good thing. I respect that, I admire that, I actually LOVE that about her; I can use that myself and people will respect and maybe even love me for it, too. And on and on; many people have bits and pieces that I felt I could add to my collection). All very clinical, really; I built myself a new persona. I don't mean "faking", I mean "performing". And after a while the tools I was using began to become part of me.

I'm still introverted. I still am the last one to join the lull-time gab circle atthe nurses' station; I'm more likely to be reading. But I do CHOOSE, DELIBERATELY, to put down the book, even if it's what I'd rather be doing, and make connections with my coworkers; I ask about them, and I reveal myself, and it does not come naturally. It takes work and conscious effort, but I find it's very rewarding.

So I have to say that the loneliness is only going to be reduced by your efforts. No one's gonna beat down your door trying to be your friend. It's difficult to make small talk, and scary to reveal yourself; and sometimes you're not going to connect with people. But it won't change until you do something different. Stop overthinking and DO, something, maybe in a disposable setting to start; if you "blow it", you don't have to keep seeing them. Find disposable people and experiment with new selves, and try to connect. You have to do something, though, it won't just land on you.

I hear you, momma_nelli. I was slow to make friends and the early ones (IMHO) were a pure gift to me, rather than friends I had "earned".

I'm guessing you are in your early 20s. I made my first real friend in the first year of high school, age 15 (?). She's still a fine friend.

Began to meet and befriend more people in college, age 20. (And got suckered by several dishonest and manipulative people, learning the hard way who could be trusted. But I think that happens to everyone. Rule of thumb -- never take irreplaceable items to the dorm, till you've lost lots of replaceable items and learn who you can trust.)

But my knowledge of people was still sketchy and I'm afraid it was a long time before I was a good friend to anyone, though several were good friends to me. I clearly remember in 1989, age 40, going out for tea to talk girl-talk with an acquaintance, this being the first time I had undertaken such a visit.

But the rollercoaster got underway around then, with volunteer work, steady employment, a year of counseling, new friends who were experienced in counseling and who cut me a lot of slack. And through all this time, never suspecting that ADD might be a factor in the struggle -- I thought my lonliness and geekiness was due to early rejection in school and my decision to protect myself by introversion. never occured to me that the rejection, which I never comprehended, was because of the geekiness. I'm guessing its actually a bit of both.

My first deliberate approach to someone to "make a friend" was in my late 40s, and that friendship, like a bookend to my first high school friend, has been very rich and enduring for us both. She is elderly and smart and adventurous and we meet 2 or 3 times a week to talk and eat and read.

I am sure that an early understanding of my ADD even without drug treatment would have been useful in helping me learn to make friends and live a deliberate life. I figure I wasted 2 to 3 decades struggling against invisible bonds, with much of the struggle simply devoted to proving the existence of those bonds. Even if your ankles are tied together, you can hop a lot better if you know the string is there and don't keep trying to walk like the people around you.

Duckie

Here in Canada, the CFBs (Canadian Forces Bases) are getting Family Military Resource Centres on them.

They are like a community centre, counselling centre, friendship centre, mess, etc. all in one.

A big stressor for people (and animals) is "ISOLATION". (Animals will use drugs [eat rotten fruit to get drunk LOL] and self-injure even, to escape intense stress such as this.)


What can you do to help yourself overcome this?

One thing that people who want to cope more successfully can do is IDENTIFY and USE all the resources around them.


What is on your Base?


What services are in your community? (if you live off-Base)