I'm terrible at maintaining friendships and keeping in touch with others. Does anyone else have trouble with this? It's like you intend to call someone you just talked to the day before and then two days go by then you procrastinate calling them, then you are afraid to because it's been to long.

The worst is when you just think the friendship fizzled out but then you run into them in the store and they are all friendly asking where you have been. Maybe confidence is an issue or maybe you just don't feel like that person has really gotten to know you well enough yet. I want to hear other people's issues with this. Do you think your ADD relates?

I don't know why but I feel like I'm not who I want to be yet so I am not. I put up a wall and don't let other people get to know me. I'm getting a little better because I'm realizing that sometimes it takes others to show you who you really are. I.E. if other people like me than I can learn to like me too.

I can relate on some level here. I have this friend that I haven't contacted in a while because everytime I call her...every couple of weeks she gives me a hard time about not calling her and I feel worse, and now I don't call anymore. I feel pretty bad about it.

I did explain to her why I am this way, but she doesn't seem very understanding, or that is just the vibe I get, so now I don't call. Nothing changed I still feel the same about her, she is a nice person, but I thinking a little judgemental at this point. I don't do "judgemental".

I miss her and hope she calls me again soon. I need her to take the initiative now in the friendship. I did my part.

So back to your origonal question...ADD related?...can't really say, not sure.

But I know where you are coming from :)

The worst is when you just think the friendship fizzled out but then you run into them in the store and they are all friendly asking where you have been.I can relate to what you describe very well, however I have come to the conclusion that communication is like a highway that goes in two directions. As simple as it would have been for you to contact your old acquaintance, is exactly as simple as it would have been for your old acquaintance to contact you.

If an old acquantance was to ask me where I have been, I am now more apt to ask them the exact same question concerning where they have been.

I think often times we have the best of intentions about keeping in touch with people, but life tends to unfold in a manner that rarely conforms to our expectations.

I'm suddenly reminded of a great John Lennon lyric that says, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for the most part, each of us (either with or without ADD) are usually our own worst enemies when it comes to being critical about things we could have done, or should have done in our lives. I suggest that you might consider the possibility that most of your acquantances likely experience the same self judgement as you do, and that they too question themselves concerning not following through on everything that they have the best intentions of following through on.

Just a suggestion, and certainlly food for thought. ;)

Thanks for the responses I've just been so uptight for the last few months. I miss people. I guess I am looking at it more as an issue I have than an issue other's have for not calling me. I know that communication is a two way thing but I've been so out of it lately. I guess it might have alot to do with my ADD and other co-existing conditions. It's hard to think about contacting others when you are dealing with SAD and Depression (unmedicated currently) because I am following a new philosophy.

I'm similar to this too, so I can relate

I can relate on some level here. I have this friend that I haven't contacted in a while because everytime I call her...every couple of weeks she gives me a hard time about not calling her and I feel worse, and now I don't call anymore. I feel pretty bad about it.

I did explain to her why I am this way, but she doesn't seem very understanding, or that is just the vibe I get, so now I don't call. Nothing changed I still feel the same about her, she is a nice person, but I thinking a little judgemental at this point. I don't do "judgemental".

I miss her and hope she calls me again soon. I need her to take the initiative now in the friendship. I did my part.

So back to your origonal question...ADD related?...can't really say, not sure.

But I know where you are coming from :)
What I see here is her exhibiting a problem relating to other people, not you. I think most people would understand that berating someone every time they call is not a way to encourage more calls...

I'm terrible at maintaining friendships and keeping in touch with others. Does anyone else have trouble with this? It's like you intend to call someone you just talked to the day before and then two days go by then you procrastinate calling them, then you are afraid to because it's been to long.

The worst is when you just think the friendship fizzled out but then you run into them in the store and they are all friendly asking where you have been. Maybe confidence is an issue or maybe you just don't feel like that person has really gotten to know you well enough yet. I want to hear other people's issues with this. Do you think your ADD relates?

I don't know why but I feel like I'm not who I want to be yet so I am not. I put up a wall and don't let other people get to know me. I'm getting a little better because I'm realizing that sometimes it takes others to show you who you really are. I.E. if other people like me than I can learn to like me too.

I totally understand this! And yes, I suffer from pretty much the exact sort of problem.. I tell someone I'll call (someone I really do care about), and the next thing I realize, it's 1am and I never called.. and of course, I don't want to call them at 1 o'clock in the morning. The next day they're upset, but they aren't very understanding of my ADD, and for the most part won't allow me to "blame" anything on it. I feel as if I have lost a lot of friends this way, and yet, I can't seem to shake the habits that get me to that place.

I'm a bit "new" to ADD, having just been diagnosed about half a year ago. I have been suffering from fairly severe ADD since childhood, but my parents didn't want me to be put on drugs so they never had me evaluated. I never realized until recently WHY I have such a hard time staying in touch, keeping plans, etc. I have mentioned this to my doctor, but since she's not ADD, she couldn't relate. It's nice to know I'm not alone at least.

Any ideas on how to help yourself to stay in touch? Especially with those that you care most about.

Hey, I have trouble keeping in touch with my family even. I'm such a bad son :(

Ha, people - please don't ask anyone to understand or cut you slack for the way ADHD affects you.


I don't know why but I feel like I'm not who I want to be yet so I am not.

I hear you. It's a self-esteem thing with me. I'm horrible at keeping in touch w/ people w/ whom I'd really like to spend time. Eventually they give up.

Where I used to be "bad" was at being on time to meet and/or getting back to ppl I just didn't want to see. So eventually I just let it go, gave myself permission to not meet them in the first place.

Hallowell emphasizes that connection is especially important for ADHDers ... that's definitely true for me, but I'm still bad at giving myself that.

I think often times we have the best of intentions about keeping in touch with people, but life tends to unfold in a manner that rarely conforms to our expectations.

So very True & so very well put.

I'm suddenly reminded of a great John Lennon lyric that says, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for the most part, each of us (either with or without ADD) are usually our own worst enemies when it comes to being critical about things we could have done, or should have done in our lives. I suggest that you might consider the possibility that most of your acquantances likely experience the same self judgement as you do, and that they too question themselves concerning not following through on everything that they have the best intentions of following through on.

Just a suggestion, and certainlly food for thought. ;)
I'm the same way. I have the best of intentions to call friends....but before I know it the day is gone & I'm afraid it's too late to call. Although emails do help alot when it comes to at least trying to keep in touch with old friends. Especially those that live out of town.

But after having to go to several funerals in recent months for the parent(s) of several friends that I have been friends with for almost 40 yrs. I have made an extra effort to call & check on them & I have done much better with it. Although I feel guilty that it has taken them being in so much grief & pain for me to do it. But there are 2 of these friends that through the yrs we would talk everyday for months & then not talk again for a number of months. But, we were there for each other with things. So in a way it could be connected to what Lars said " life tends to unfold in a manner that rarely conforms to our expectations."

Being older has some Awesome Advantages, I think. And one of them is having learned the hard way, usually, how unpredictable & fragile Life really can be & often is.

About ADD playing a part in it, I think that the way we lose track of time is a large factor in it. One day doesn't seem like much but one day turns into the weekend & then a month has gone by, ect

BlessedLady

I'm terrible at maintaining friendships and keeping in touch with others. Does anyone else have trouble with this? It's like you intend to call someone you just talked to the day before and then two days go by then you procrastinate calling them, then you are afraid to because it's been to long.

The worst is when you just think the friendship fizzled out but then you run into them in the store and they are all friendly asking where you have been. Maybe confidence is an issue or maybe you just don't feel like that person has really gotten to know you well enough yet. I want to hear other people's issues with this. Do you think your ADD relates?

I don't know why but I feel like I'm not who I want to be yet so I am not. I put up a wall and don't let other people get to know me. I'm getting a little better because I'm realizing that sometimes it takes others to show you who you really are. I.E. if other people like me than I can learn to like me too.
i can so relate to this. i can not count the number of people that have come and gone in my life because i have a hard time keeping in contact with others. I really dont know if this is because of my add or other issues and trust me I have many of them. One thing I do know is that I have a very hard time letting people get close to me. I think this is because I am afraid of losing them. The logic here is that if you do not let any one close then you dont have to wory about losing them or they will leave you. the bad part of this twisted logic is that i have ended up very lonely, and lacking in many social skills. my wall is my sarcasim and jokes. rarely do I let people see beyond that. I am working on getting around this but it takes time.

Guilty too.
My mom called to wish me a happy birthday last week (birthday is Nov 13th), and then she said "happy valentines day."
I'm going to call her tomorrow and thank her for calling me.
See, I do the same thing blessedlady does, etc.
I mean to call them back, but when I get around to doing it, it's too late.
Although my mom is up till midnight, and sleeps till 11am each day, I could call. But I don't.
I go weeks without talking to my dad, and longer talking to my sister.
I'm just bad about it, and they know it...

I'm terrible at maintaining friendships and keeping in touch with others.That's the story of my life. So far at least, that's one of the things that I think comes with the ADD lifestyle and something for me to work on now that I know I'm living that lifestyle. It's like I can't keep people in mind and do the planning needed to maintain contact. So whatever was there fades way too quickly and then I feel guilty about having neglected a friend and that adds another roadblock to getting back to them. It's a terrible mess that just gets worse.

One thing I do know is that I have a very hard time letting people get close to me.
That too... Letting people in requires them being willing to let you in, and they won't do that if you get distracted everytime someone walks by the window of the restaurant, or fidget with the silverware all the time instead of looking at them as they talk.

Just a couple of thoughts. Thanks for indulging. This is a topic that hits too close to home.

-g

My problem is that I have an aversion to making telephone calls. I can't stand the thought of being stuck on the phone for more than a few minutes, makes me feel trapped. I have a friend who calls me a lot, we get together quite a bit but it is always her calling me, I feel so guilty and I know I should reciprocate but I just don't do it!

I go through this too. It will be years before I even talk to my best friend. I feel bad about that too. I even get into saying yeah we should get together again, but it never happens. I procrastinate but I also have a low self esteem to that gets in the way of me getting close to people. I can tell you guys this cause I don't know you and I can't see you. Yes I believe being this way has kept me from keeping alot of friends.:(

I can relate too. Mine is for several reasons.

Some is ADD and not wanted to be pinned down to having to call someone on a schedule, or sucked into making plans that I might or might not be able to keep.

Sometimes it's because I work in a business where I am on the phone a lot my attention is constantly in demand. So when I get home I have 3 kids to answer to..so to speak, and I just want to unwind and not chit chat. Or have the phone demand my attention.

My ADD & Bipolar come into effect as well. When I am hyperfocused or hypomanic I call people and am on the phone or computer for hours...
when I am depressed or hyperfocused on something else, I don't want to answer the phone or commit myself to a long conversation. So I simply don't answer the phone. Those who know me, expect me to be here a lot, then disappear. If I am gone too long, they shoot me an email or call. This is better now that I have leveled out on meds.

I also have 3 boys, and when I do talk on the phone, I want to do it in privacy..no distractions so I can listen. It is one of my biggest pet peeves for someone to come in and make noise, or insist on talking to me...even to attempt to be apart of the phone conversation....I often get really ummm ticked off. Funny how my kids pick up on this que, better than their father. But he has his own unmedicated ADHD issues, and is umm insecurities.

And then there is the fact, I refuse to have friends who get mad at me if I don't call them on a regular scheduled basis. I am 36 and not in highschool. If you have an issue that makes you feel I don't care about you because I haven't called in a week, then it's exactly that ,your issue. I have never found myself thinking that someone doesn't like me or love me because they haven't called in awhile. I figure they are busy. If it's been too long depending on the person I will call and just leave a message or shoot them an email to make sure they are okay. I guess I put myself in thier shoes and understand, sometimes I don't want to talk or I am busy and can't commit to them my undivided attention, which I like when I call or hang out with someone however, I still care about them.

I have people who I have been friends with for over 15-20 years...I might go months, or even years without talking to them (they all live in other states) and when we do catch up, it's like we were never apart. That is true friendship with a deep connection and no strings attached.
Not only do you have to do some soulsearching as to why you feel that way, which it appears you are. But remember, they have their own issues as well that makes them feel or react that way.

Just my 2 cents....

I have to say, though, on a positive note, that when I get in touch with people from the past they tend to be happy to hear from me. It's not that I'm such a great friend and all, but it's always nice to hear from people from the past. Maybe friends are more forgiving than we tend to think in our guilt ridden, procrastinating, worrying-too-much mental monologues.
-g

I can relate to this "procrastination of calling friends" problem, and personally I don't think it's my ADD that's the problem, but my adderall, it causes social anxiety, and when I mean to call a friend that I haven't talked to in a while, I just think "what the hell am I even going to talk about?" Before I know it tommorrow comes and I still haven't called, but when I just call without thinking about it it's no big problem. Does anyone else that takes adderall have this problem?

Is there some sort of therapy for this? I have a hard time with converstaions/friendships, etc. How do you know what's "too much" or "too little" eye contact when you're talking to someone? How do you end a conversation without just mumbling something and walking away?