I was brought up in a very hostile environment.
My dad beat my mom, My mom was an anphetamine addict.
Who thrived on ticking my dad off and then complaining about the beatings she use to get.
My dad use to break my moms favorite things, her bones.
Distroy and make a complete mess of the house on purpose after my mom would get done cleaning it.
Shoot guns off in the house in the middle of the night.

Hostile behavior was the norm in my house when I was growing up.
It was almost guarenteed that I would get woke up in the middle of the night with my dad and mom fighting and him hitting her and throwing things around and all the other violence at least 2 times a month.

We never really knew when it was going to happen.

But, When it did, He would threaten things like killing her and burning down the GD house.
I truely never knew for sure if I was going to have a house and family from one day to the next.

My father must have known that the way we lived was wrong and he forbid us kids to go anywhere and I mean anywhere where we would be around other people except school.
We were told that our uncles and aunts lived the same way.
So, I I truely thought all of this was normal until I was in high school and heard wonderful stories that sounded to me more like a Brady Bunch show or a Leave it to Beaver show.
To this day it is so hard for me to beleive that people did not have violence like I had when I grew up constantlly.

As a young adult my personality was recognized by others as being very unstable. I was accused of being hostile for no reason at all. Violent, Too Sensative and many other bad personality traits.
I did not know why other people thought I had problems. I thought I was being normal. But, I know everyone I came in contact with other than my family could not be wrong.
For this reason I decided to have a Phych Eval.

Though that I was diagnosted with Server Depression and Anxiety Disorder.
I have been on and off medications for this for 23 years.
About 11 years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I read the description, I must say that almost 100% of it is truely me.
But, There is one other thing that I notice that is not on the list of Borderline Personality Symptoms.

I am seeing a pattern in my life that is very disturbing.
Through out all of my adult life I have been around some very nice people.
I even married a very nice man and although he does have problems with obsessive compulsive hoarding and exsessive procrastination.
I feel he is a very nice man. I mean I have also had nice men in the past. But, none of them could deal with me because of the problem I am telling you about right now.
My husband is the only one that never got abusive with me physically.
He also taught me alot about how to control my tendancy toward physical abuse.

But, It doesn't matter who I am around. Or what environment I am in.
I notice that I may be ADDICTED TO HAVOCK.

Does that make any sence to you?

I don't do this consiously or on purpose. But, I find my self.
Holding things in that bother me because I know most people do.
And then. Like I said. This Pattern has formed that I CAN NOT LIVE PEACEFULLY.


Could this be a form of PTSD? I can not think of any other reason for me being this way.

I would like to think that I could go even a year without a nervous breakdown of some sort. But, I don't have the faith in that anymore.

None of the medications I have ever been on for Depression and Axiety have every helped this.

This problem of mine interfers with my intimate relationships, friendship, work, family and everything.

The only way that I could ever see myself not falling into the same pattern again sometime sooner most likely than later. Is if I actually had a Lobotamy.
Isn't that when they take out the part of your brain that controls emotions or something like that?

I really think that is the only way I could live normally.

One more thing.
After my episodes of rage and anger that I pull on a regular basis.
I always feel So Exteremely Guilty. And near the point of suicide and have attempted suicide a number of times in the past.
And beleive me. I was serious the last time. I went out got drunk and took 77 xanax when I got home. Is'nt that truely suppose to be sure death. I had lots of alcohol in me too. I woke up the next morning to find a peice of a peanut butter sandwich stuck in the back of my throat and when I took it out I thought.

WTF!!! How could I possibly still be alive.
Now, I really only feel suicidal after one of my episodes. But, I always know one of my episodes are going to be in the near future just like the HAVOK in my home when I was growing up was always in the near future.

What can I do to fix this.
I have told all of the Phsyciatrists in my past about this.
I have been hospitalised for my eposodes. But, always left to go home after about 3 days. When they see that I am no longer feeling suicidal and I am in a normal mood for a couple of days.

But, I know. It will always come back.
What am I going to do the next time.
I am 46 years old. And I have gotten to the point where it is so predictable.
I really worry about the next time I will creat Havock.

Can anyone relate to this?

Now, There are times when I will have a real cause to argue about something. And A lot of times because I am obviously the nut in the family.
If I do raise an issue that needs to be address. Such as (My husband true faults which only he can correct and refuses) But, since they do need to be address. I do address them only to be treated like I am the Nutso one in the house and I should just shut up and knock it off before I have another episode. And the lagitamate gripes I have get blown off as just another one of moms near misses.

OK, If anyone has any view point about this I would love to hear it.
Thanks.

Borderline is now being viewed in different ways.

An Attachment Disorder, a Dissociative Disorder, a Trauma Spectrum Disorder.

The *hallmarks* of this disorder are feelings of abandonment, self-harm and rages, combined with a history of invalidation in childhood. There is the inability to be assertive (passivity or aggression; no in between).

There is often the inability to IDENTIFY and NAME and verbally EXPRESS emotions when they are small and mild, so things build up and the person explodes in an 'overkill' manner. (A trauma after-effect.) Things are either "0" or "10".

You may also have Complex PTSD. They can and often do co-occur.


http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Mental_Health_Information/commonquestionsabouttrauma.html


http://www.camh.net/Publications/CAMH_Publications/women_signs_common.html

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Borderline was once considered untreatable, but is now found to improve with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It is run as a Group Therapy, and incorporates Mindfulness components.
www.dbtselfhelp.com (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/)

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Another helpful therapy too is something called DNMS (Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy).
http://www.shirleyjeanschmidt.com/aboutdnms.html

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Thanks for the post.
It is important to learn our family's patterns (good and harmful), so that they do not keep getting repeated. :) I'm sure this applies to others, too.

I had a hell childhood and had a mother who enforced ritalin in a fashion that is similarly used with adult psychotic patients. I have literally taken every psychotropic medication from Prozac to Thorazine which is the invalidation part of childhood with me and had other miserable traumas of youth get labelled bipolar as opposed to the PTSD it actually was, Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial PD are two diagnoses I had prior to the observance of my Muchausen by proxy syndrome Mom that I have which no thanks to being a hyperactive male occurred to me at the first time in my life two or three days ago. I guess the fact that I never empowered myself to go with what I really believed was the part that seems embarassing about it. I have a family trait of borderline features (my mother and brother are more "splitting" in how they go from loving to hating rapidly and I have more anger impulse control issues) I guess it is sad but think of it as empowering and the depression seems to occur less.

My issues are better described as "Complex PTSD" than the "Borderline" component that is more my mom and brother's issue, My mother split her view on us in a way to which she pit us against each other, blaming me for having to "ignore" my brother, while chasing me around to feed me medications. My family has the more dramatic aspects of Borderline PD, in the "Alex from Fatal Attraction" spectrum but I have tantrum like pouts for real life situations and I am hypervigilant and everything about my self preservation starts best being described as hyper. My symptoms of ADHD are more like a 4 year old hyperactive child. Stimulant drugs all put me in the state of mind that is the exact same as when I was a child, most adults I know that took meds as a kid say that it effected them differently, but I never grew out of it per say.