Hi all

I am new to this forum and new to ADHD. I have a lot to learn and am so happy to finally find a group who understands. I have felt alone most of my life and never did know why.

Now to my question. I seem to want to have a close relationship or good relationship with a lot of people. I think I expect to much out of everyone. People to like me, to be nice, caring, understanding and etc. I find I get hurt and angry easily if people are not the way I need them to be. No matter how hard I try not to feel the way I do I end up either being hurt over something that is no big deal or getting angry because someone else does not want a relationship with me or is distant with me. I am having a hard time explaining what I mean.

I am not sure this is a ADD problem or caused by parents who were not very loving or caring. Being brought up in a time when little was done for children or known about how or what children needed. I am old, 55. LOL

I feel so lonely a lot of times even though I need and love my time alone. I want someone I can rely on and a good friend. Someone I can share my thought and feelings with. I have had a couple best friends in the past and I miss not having one now. It seems that no one has time anymore to have friends. I have read many books that say this same thing. We are in the electronic age and people are suffering socially and will suffer even more as time goes by.

When I talk about this with my counselor she makes it sound like I am too needy and should be more self sufficent. After all we all only have ourselves to rely on so she says. So am I abnormal for wanting and needing close relationships? Is feeling insecure about being self sufficent a part of ADD? Seems my counselor doesn't know and her way of thinking is "just do it."

Maybe you are not communicating your needs verbally, so people "let you down".

(And they don't know they have let you down. If you do not tell people your expectations, they WILL let you down b/c it sets them up by not telling them your expectations.)

Hi Pam,

I don't have the answers to all of your questions, but I can identify with what you're saying and feeling in a lot of ways. The difference for me is that *I* tend to struggle with worries and feelings that people are (or will) expect too much from me and that I will disappoint them and they will reject me. From my point of view, I get the feeling that my "lack of pretentiousness" and/or the things that I do or don't do as a result of my experiences growing up in a family with a lot of mental illness (like I don't struggle much anymore with feeling obligated to do the "right" thing - like buy my mother presents and/or cards for Mother's Day, etc.) make me appear strange or unkind (maybe even dangerous???).

I don't believe I expect much from others - in fact, I suppose I DO expect bad things from them. Maybe that is what my problem is. I've had some extreme disillusionments over the past 10 years with a love relationship turning into an abusive relationship (Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde) and then some other extreme weirdness (psychological/emotional bullying?) in a work environment I was in. So - I guess I've been a little hesitant about jumping back into any kind of significant social bonding. (But I'm LONELY as can be . . . ) So - I HEAR that! It's hard for me too, and it stinks!

One idea (besides participating in online groups that appeal to us) is the possibility of joining a support group (ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics? Co-dependents Anonymous? Most people have at least a tad of the struggles they address. Or an ADHD support group) and/or the possibility of checking out what classes/workshops (non-credit) are being offered in your area - in my area, the community college in my city offers like 50 DIVERSE workshops - some lasting weeks, some only 1 or 2 days - at least twice a year and at very low cost.

Also - do you have kids, Pam? I ask because I noticed that ever since having children (and I'm 40 now) - I seem LESS bothered by my loneliness. I still AM very lonely - and I still hate it just as much (if not MORE) than before . . . but I guess it's that my day has so many more distractions - I mean, I'm a single mom and basically NEVER alone - that I don't experience those alone feelings that are SO PRONOUNCED that you almost start going psycho, wondering if you really exist - if there really is a world out there - if you are at the bottom of a billion-mile-long tunnel of some sort . . . YA - thankfully (never thought of this that way before) my youngest still wants alot of interaction with me. So - I normally complain that I am NEVER ALONE! That helps distract me from OVERWHELMING feelings of INTENSE LONELINESS most of the time.

Please give this forum a try. I've stuck around a year(?) or so - and it's not happened that easily for me, but I continue to feel more connected and comfortable here as each month passes. So maybe this place can be a first step toward gaining those close friendships you desire.

Sorry so rambley -
Sue

Hi Pam. I don't believe I expect much from others - in fact, I suppose I DO expect bad things from them. Maybe that is what my problem is. I've had some extreme disillusionments over the past 10 years with a love relationship turning into an abusive relationship (Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde) and then some other extreme weirdness (psychological/emotional bullying?) in a work environment I was in.

One idea (besides participating in online groups that appeal to us) is the possibility of joining a support group (ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics? Co-dependents Anonymous? Most people have at least a tad of the struggles they address. Or an ADHD support group) and/or the possibility of checking out what classes/workshops (non-credit) are being offered in your area - in my area, the community college in my city offers like 50 DIVERSE workshops - some lasting weeks, some only 1 or 2 days - at least twice a year and at very low cost.

Sorry so rambley - SueSue-Please ramble away! Great post!

Pam, What Sue said about participating in groups is true. The positive healing energy of a group is very powerful, and you can become very close to people quite quickly if you are working on a shared problem or pain in your life. Very hard to get started, but you will be amazed by how close you get to other people.

Right now, I am in a 13-week group of people who are working through the pain and grief of divorce. It only meets once a week, it only costs $20. The entire group watches a 30 minute video, the we break into small groups of about 6-10 and discuss our "stuff" for about an hour. The group does have a website -- DivorceCare.com

Sue--I also married a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I have been divorced for 10 years and can't seem to get relief from the pain (Hence the divorce group). Two and a half years ago, I also had a Jekyll/Hyde + stalking experience at work which sort of brought the whole divorce pain issue back to the surface again.

And my therapist said I "attract" this kind of relationship and will continue to attract that negative energy until I learn to stand up for myself and heal that part that turns me into a doormat. See those footprints on my forehead? Golly, what IS up with that! :o So you are also right, Queens U, you have to let people know what you want, then you have to take that one step further and learn how to stand up for yourself. Unfortunately for me, it is so much easier to say than to do. Especially growing up in a family that did not meet any of my emotional needs. So for instance, if I was crying, Dear Old Dad would say "I'll give you something to cry about!" So learned at an early age to "stuff" every feeling or get beaten. Sounds like what you are talking about Pam (?) maybe...

Pam--I also made some good friends at work, but it really depends on the size of the office and the type of people. Work friends are nice, because you both have to be there so you see and check in with each other often.

Neighbors or people who live nearby can be great. Also anyone who has kids the age of your kids, at least when your kids are school age. Mine's in college, so that's out now.

I found myself without ever having had a single close friend when I was about 25. It was something I really wanted, so I decided I would make it happen. And it did. My first truly close friend lived across the street and we got divorced about the same time. Yes, from my first husband, who I put through law school. :eyebrow:

Then made good friends in graduate school, then at work, then with friends with kids. It is getting harder as I get older. I'm about the same age as you, Pam. Drop me a line or Private Message, I can always use another friend!

Happy Valentines Day, Ladies! :p :p (HUGS!)

One of the big problems is that I live in a small town. There are few places to meet anyone. I have tried various things. Right now I have joined a Book Club and I love it even though there are few people in the group and I am the oldest at least in body. LOL I think most ADDers are young because of their playful, curious nature.

Sue I have had a lot of bad experiences with people also. I guess that is what makes me more desperate for relationships right now. It is such a long story I could not begin to tell it to you in 20 posts. My daughter has been nothing but a heart breaker for my husband and I. I can not trust her to not steal us blind and that scares me that she may be capable of doing us harm when we get old. Am I being paranoid, I don't know. I don't know what my sisters problem is other than her priorities are prestige, great career, great above normal salary and totally incapable of understanding emotional issues so she stays clear of emotions as much as she can. Wonder of wonder she got divorced a few years ago met a man fell deeply in love and moved away with him. So guess who will be taking care of mom when she get old, me. My husband has done some things to me also. It seems that by seeing just how alone I am came upon me when I had no one when I was not sure I wanted to live. I went through that terrible year by myself and I know if I had had some loved ones around me it would of made all the difference in the world. I am trying to understand how someone can say they love you and not be there for you when you don't feel like you want to live.

I got off track, but even though I had the needs and feelings of wanting close relationships before that time it only made it worse for me. The need for close relationships and the terrible feeling of being alone in the world. I have tried to talk to my councelor about it and I get "we are all alone, we have to take care of ourselves." I guess I have just watched to much TV and movies where there is someone by a sick persons bedside to care for them when they can't care for themselves.

I can see Sue that you do understand some of what I am going through. You are very lucky to have your children. Family means so much. I think in most cases you can turn to them in times of trouble. I know that is what I expected and wanted, but it just isn't there for me. I do believe it is there for a lot of people though. Cherish them.

Hi Jeanie

We must of both been writing at the same time because I did not see your post until after I posted mine. I spent hours reading the posts here last night. I know I will find a lot of help and hope here. I hope to find good friends also. I have never met anyone to my knowledge who had ADD before that is until I asked my fairly new family dr. this week if she had ADHD. It is very obvious she has it, but I had to ask anyway. She told me she had ADHd. We talked a little about it.

I don't think there is an support groups in my area. I found a combined catch all group that meets once a month, but it is an hours drive from here. There is no college classses to take even though there is a college 22 miles away. I have taken adult classes when I lived in a larger city for a year. I loved it!

I agree with your councelor that we attract a certain kind of person be it a man or a friend. I think when we change the people we attrack changes too.

I use to work, but have spinal stenosis, arthritis in my back and various other health problems. The office where I worked closed ( I was the only one in the office & worked there for 7 yrs.). I knew I would never be able to hold down a job so it was a tough tight year or so for my husband and I until I got on social security disablity in November. People can not believe I got it on my first try. I have a lot of other things that contribute to my loneliness, depression and you name it problems and feelings.

What I started to say in my last paragraph is that I have not met many people where I have worked for the last 14 years. My neighbors don't talk to one another and I have lived here for 35 years.

Hi Jeanie

We must of both been writing at the same time because I did not see your post until after I posted mine.

I agree with your councelor that we attract a certain kind of person be it a man or a friend. I think when we change the people we attrack changes too.

I use to work, but have spinal stenosis, arthritis in my back and various other health problems.

What I started to say in my last paragraph is that I have not met many people where I have worked for the last 14 years. My neighbors don't talk to one another and I have lived here for 35 years.Pam, yes I didn't see your post until I posted mine. I grew up in rural Montana, and we didn't have neighbors either. The few people close by were not really "friend" material. My Mom, who is 74 still complains about not having friends. So the physical isolation of living in a rural area makes it much more difficult.

I lived back in this rural area for several years recently, and I found that there were people who simply went for coffee in the morning at the local cafe. Most of them were actually older than me, and it could turn into gossip, but it sometimes was a way to connect. Church is the other one in a rural area. I did find some of those people were pretty judgemental, but there were a few "gems" there. Bible study groups can go either way.

That's about all the help I can offer, other than joining an online forum (like this). Good luck. Drop me a line anytime. :D :D :D

geez i didnt take my meds today and i cant even read all that :(

but yes, i am very dependent, and expect way too much of others. sometimes i think the only reason i have any friends is because i am ok looking. once they figure out how high maint i am they run.:rolleyes:

Pam, I expect a lot from others, because I expect a lot from myself.
So when they don't give 110%, or they turn around and screw me, I get mad.
I've been through a few deals where people screwed me because I don't
"understand" things quickly, and it hurts.
I don't know much about your past problems, as I have a good marriage right now, other than the fact my wife doesn't really contribute to the chores around here, etc. Having ADD with spurts of hyperactivity helps me out.
There is help and healing in a group as Sue and Jeanie have said.
I'm a member of a Bible Prophecy board, that also has a prayernet.
It's a great thing to be able to discuss news and events with others, and just be connected, instead of staring at the walls or talking to your pets!
(if you do that, that's fine, I'm not pointing you out because I talk to my dog all the time)
Being part of a group allows you to look forward to something each day, make friends, and eventually realize that there are others out there just like you.
In my short time on this board, I've seen a lot, and learned a lot more about myself (as an ADDer).
This is a good place to hang out, and you just might gain a friend or two, or three...