There are so many details, but ill try to make this as brief as possible...

I have been doubting my nearly 3 year relationship for quite some time now..

yeah we get in some bad fights...just verbal stuff...neither of us can let things go, so some minor issue leads to this giant 2 hour discussion...but i can deal with that...

Its just that overall, i dont feel 'happy', and i just dont know why.

Last night, i was talking to my sis, and i was just so sure that taking a break would be the right thing to do...but when i woke up this morning, i wasnt so sure.

There are a lot of good things...he loves me soooo much, i trust him 100%, we can talk about pretty much anything, he deals with me through my crazy neurotic moments, through my criticisms of him, etc...

There arent really 'bad' things...well the fights suck...but also we dont have a ton of fun together...he isnt up for 'adventure' (well, i have to convince him to do something different a lot of times), overall he just doesnt have a really 'fun' personality. Course he can be goofy, just...i dont think we laugh enough togehter.

But like i said, even though there really arent huge things wrong...im just not happy a lot of the times...i dont get excited to see him (we are doing long distance right now), and dont get sad when he leaves. And i just dont think thats normal...

i just dont know what to do :( I have such huge mood swings that my mind keeps changing...

I have been doubting my nearly 3 year relationship for quite some time now..

I Hope you don't take this the wrong way. But I was wondering how old you are ? My reason ( by the way I'm 53) is that the younger we are it often seems the more doubts we have...which is natural. Life is a ever changeing thing but as we get older we usually learn what our doubts about relationships are based on and in doing so how accurate our doubts are....I hope that makes some sense to you.

yeah we get in some bad fights...just verbal stuff...neither of us can let things go, so some minor issue leads to this giant 2 hour discussion...but i can deal with that...

Just so you will know, no matter what the excuse/reason(s) given....nothing justifies physical abuse or "abuse" of any type.

Its just that overall, i dont feel 'happy', and i just dont know why.

Again please don't take this the wrong way..but have you ever felt happy or been really happy ? Or is it something that you have drawn the defination of it from TV & Movies.

Last night, i was talking to my sis, and i was just so sure that taking a break would be the right thing to do...but when i woke up this morning, i wasnt so sure.

There are a lot of good things...he loves me soooo much, i trust him 100%, we can talk about pretty much anything, he deals with me through my crazy neurotic moments, through my criticisms of him, etc...

There arent really 'bad' things...well the fights suck...but also we dont have a ton of fun together...he isnt up for 'adventure' (well, i have to convince him to do something different a lot of times), overall he just doesnt have a really 'fun' personality. Course he can be goofy, just...i dont think we laugh enough togehter.

No relationship is "perfect." Would you prefer someone who was up for adventure but told you to "give them a call when you were through with your crazy neurotic moments? "The fact that you manage to convince him to do different things says alot about how he feels about you, in a positive way...I think. He may not be excited about it but he does it because he wants to make you happy. If he just didn't want to hear you go on & on about it he would walk away for a while.
You do laugh together.....alot of couples don't/can't. And Life has tears as well as laughter. Do you cry together as well ?

But like i said, even though there really arent huge things wrong...im just not happy a lot of the times...i dont get excited to see him (we are doing long distance right now), and dont get sad when he leaves. And i just dont think thats normal...

The excitement that you are talking about....after a while it goes away but is replaced with a more down to earth "real" feeling. In the beginning maybe the excitement when you saw him was because deep down you had doubts about his returning. That doubt has been replaced with a Trust that doesn't need constant reassurance.


i just dont know what to do :( I have such huge mood swings that my mind keeps changing...
If you think I'm wrong in anything that I've said, it's cool to say so. And if I offended you in anyway I Apologize because that was not my intention.

BlessedLady

definately not offended...

i am 21, he is 24....

there is absolutely no physical abuse!!! When we get in fights he tends to make statements like "you are so spoiled" ...not "you are acting very spoiled" which is something he is working on...cause when he makes those kinda of statements, i usually start crying a lot.

I dont know about the happy thing...all i know is that when he says "you make me so happy"...i have to force it out, like its a complete lie. My overall state is slightly depressed...so i can definatley tell the difference when i am feeling really good. And while yes, i do feel like that sometimes with him, its more often not that way.

When i am in a bad mood, he just makes it worse...doesnt cheer me up at ALL to talk to him,...if i talk to a friend or my sister, i am almost instantly happy...

I know he would do a lot for me...thats why this is so hard. However, should i stay in a relationship just cause he loves me??? I do love him too...its just when he describes how he loves me more and more every day, i dont feel that way about him at all.

And yeah, i know the excitement dwindles, but i only get to see him once a month for 2 days... My sister tells me how she gets butterflies in her stomach EVERY time she gets to see her husband (they are also doing long distance). I dont miss him either.

It just doesn't feel 'right' anymore. My doubts are constant, and i just dont know why, especially based on the things you pointed out. He is so great in so many ways.

ANother HUGE thing...i just found out that almost my entire family doesnt like him...my sister, her husband, my mom, aunts, cousins, and even my cousin's fiancee (who has met him like 3 times) don't think he is good enough for me. They dont necessarily dislike him as a person...they just dont get a good vibe from him....they think he is kinda blah or something. No one can pinpoint exactly what it is.

Hi Dreeza,

Boy have I been in a similar place when I was younger. What are your fears about CHANGING this relationship? I use the term CHANGING because I don't care for the notion nor always understand the NECESSITY of ENDING a relationship. Its so ridiculously COLD & HOSTILE, I think. But, guess what? I'm not really "in" a relationship in the conventional sense - and haven't been in one of those for a long time. I would not be considered "skilled" in relationships, but that's ok by me.

Oh Dreeza, this kinda stuff is so hard. Are you worried about how HE'LL feel? I know that would be weighing on my mind. However, I believe letting him know how you're feeling about things (if this has been going on for a long while), might possibly be the most decent thing to do if you two are as close as I'm guessing you are. Do you two usually share most things with each other? I don't know, it just might make you both feel better if you can share your feelings about the relationship - delicately - and do it because you care enough about him not to lie or lead him on. ect.

This is so hard. Good luck. This is just one of those not-so-FUN parts of life.

Sue

Dreeza, are you being treated for depression? Is your relationship with your BF the only downer in your life, at the moment?

not technically...no. My dr. put me on wellbutrin, but then she decided to put me on adderall AND wellbutrin. Seeing as ive never taken adderall, i decided it was stupid to take 2 drugs at once...so i've been off the wellbutrin for about a week. Things havent changed...i really didnt notice much difference on or off it.

about him being the only downer...i really do not know. I get stressed out cause of school and stuff. I also get really down because i have very few friends...something that does connect with my relationship, b/c instead of making friends freshman year, i was with him every weekend...something i do resent him for, even though its not completely his fault...

about him being the only downer...i really do not know. I get stressed out cause of school and stuff. I also get really down because i have very few friends...something that does connect with my relationship, b/c instead of making friends freshman year, i was with him every weekend...something i do resent him for, even though its not completely his fault...So BF isn't going to the same school as you are. I can see where you are coming from. Perhaps you are too young / aren't ready to make a committment to just one person at this time in your life?

So BF isn't going to the same school as you are. I can see where you are coming from. Perhaps you are too young / aren't ready to make a committment to just one person at this time in your life?
he's done with school. He has a job now...in another state (which was 100% approved by me - he wouldnt have gone otherwise).

Yeah, a lot of my family/friends think i need to experience college as a single girl...so i can 'find myself' - cause i really dont know myself all too well i dont think.

My advice on this is to take stock. For starters try examining your expectations. Sounds silly, but people often don't do it, and often don't even realize their expectations aren't always realistic. If you're comparing your relationship to some preconcieved idea of what a relationship should be, you may want to examine exactly what you think that is, and if it's reasonable in a real world sorta way. Once you've done that, it's easier to think about whether you feel what you have is good/bad/indifferent. Novelty can and does wear out in relationships. It can, however, be rekindled with a little effort. While one can't recapture the initial heady days of new love, one can certainly still find other things to be excited about in a relationship, or make the effort to make those things. Novelty is only the very tip of the iceberg with relationships though. Trusting someone and being comfortable with them only come with time (deep trust anyway). There is a lot to be said for that level of comfort and that sort of bond with another human being.

Lastly, you're young yet (and no I'm not calling you a kid, just saying that there is really no rush here). Normal people's brains don't even stop developing until around 23 years of age or so. You can add up to two years to that number for someone with ADD. So, on top of the normal ADD symptomology, you also have to deal with the fact that your brain isn't all the way there with impulse control or emotional modulation. I call this "high school heart". This sense of urgency, or feeling as though something is always missing and just out of reach.

I think your family and friends are right. It certainly wouldn't hurt to follow their advice. As I said there is no rush, and no substitute for investing in yourself.

Hmmm

I can relate to your feelings. But then again I ended my relationship. For a long time there hasn't been anything there, emotionaly. I think both of us just emotionally withdrew from eachother. It takes two to tango and I wasn't perfect thats for sure. We would agrue about silly things really, but I think it was because both of us were unhappy.

I hope you can work out your relationship. All you can do is try to make things better, both of you, and if that doesn't work than you can go your seperate ways for a while, and see if you miss eachother.

My SO and I didn't jive on the adventure thingy...he wasn't very adventurous, and that bothered me..he just seemed more unhappy than me. Whatever I suggested he didn't want to do it. I think a lot of our problem is that we never really had fun together, and in a longterm relationship it is really important to have fun and and do new things to keep the spark.


Good luck!! :)

Not to go all reductionist on this thread or anything, but there is some truth here so I'll say it anyway.

Our brains have several hard wired, interconnected emotional circuits that come into play in our social interactions. They split roughly into three main areas; Attachment, Care giving, and sexuality. All three of these areas are critical in romantic relations, and the interplay between one indivual and the other is enormously important as (as I've mentioned in other posts) our moods are contagious, and getting 'synched up' with another person maximizes the impact both ways. When we aren't in synch, one or more of these circuits, or areas of brain function can drop out for all intents and purposes. If any one of them fails, romance founders.

All of this generally occurs subcortically (IE we aren't consciously aware of it happening). However, we are conscious of the results. How we act towards and react to others is immensely important, and the best way to keep on track is to be honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings, needs, and wants.

Hee Hee, I read way too much, and have had WAAAAY too much therapy. I think my poor head musta been head shrunk down to a pinhead by now.

::bangs head on desk::

i just dont know what to do!!

I'm spending a week with him starting on the 25th...so i guess im just gonna see how i feel then. If its not feeling right, im gonna tell him i need a break.

I told him i wasnt happy, and it just about crushed him...so i know he is gonna try extra hard to make my stay there fun...


question about missing someone...there are the rare time where i do...but they are basically only when i am feeling really sad. I know its not normal (well im assuming its not) to be missing someone constantly....but like, how often do normal people miss their SO? arg, thats prob not even a question that makes sense.

I think you are worrying too much over things that you have no conscious control over. Emotions, can't generally be MADE to happen. Not having a 'normal' response, or at least what you think is 'normal' is not necessarily good or bad.

Bottom line, as I said above, it's not something you have full conscious access to. Our emotional centers are connected to the rest of the brain, but they are independent of it as well. You can't think yourself into loving someone, anymore than you can think yourself into missing or not missing them.

Seems to me you should be more worried about whats normal for you and not worry about what you can't control. There are plenty of things we do have control over to worry about, after all.

Just be honest with your boyfriend. Please, no matter how hard it is, do not lie to him to spare his feelings, or stay if you aren't happy because you don't want to hurt him. These things come to light, and when they do, they hurt worse. A small hurt, inflicted because of circumstance, and owned up to, is infinitely preferable to a large one.

Speaking as a guy, I can honestly say I'd rather my girl friend honestly break my heart, than string me along on false hope. Neither is pleasant, but the second option is far less pleasant.

It does you credit that you worry so about hurting him. Just make sure your empathy and sense of guilt don't lead you into bad decisions.

If you aren't certain, tell him. If you are pretty certain it's over, but are willing to try taking a break to make sure, tell him that. Be direct, assertive, and firm about it. Which isn't the same as being mean or nasty, or even undiplomatic. It just means making sure you speak your mind, without leaving things ambiguous (unless of course, your feelings are ambigous).

I'm not suggesting you'd make any of these mistakes. Nor is it wrong for you to be concerned about hurting anyone. I am just saying, there's a lot of room for wrong turns here. I think you probably have a good idea of what it is you want, but you're hoping for things to work themselves out so you don't have to (potentially) hurt anyone's feelings. If that is the case though, you are doing neither you, or your boyfriend any favors by trying to 'let him down easy'.

I know it's easier said than done, but honesty really is the best policy in general, and especially for situations like yours. If you're really uncertain, and doubtful. Tell him. He may well try to "be especially nice" to try to "fix" things. Unfortunately, if you don't love him that can't change that. All you can do is try to explain that to him with honesty and respect. It'll hurt, you'll feel horrible too, but it's still the best and kindest route to go, if you know you aren't happy.

I use hypothetical situations a lot in posts like these, so please don't think I'm suggesting I can read your mind, or something. I know better than that. It may well be that all you need is a break, room to breath and think about this and all will be well. The only person who's really in a position to know that is you. I'm just drawing from my own experience on both sides of troubled relationships to hopefully provide something useful to you.

Good Morning! It is interesting to me that you somehow relate your happiness to the male who has obviously earned your respect through loyalty and deed.

Happiness is a state of mind that is achieved through continuious counting of blessings, and surrender to the fact that "everything that is good" in the world has your back!!!!

Your obligation to that "good" is to look after the best interest of those who are loving and loyal to you and your wellbeing.

You also have an obligation to walk away from those who aren't.

Try counting each and everyone of your blessings. I bet you can't. Try it tonight when you go to bed. Sleep will find you, and you will be happy.

Disclamer; Of course this is only an opinion.

db

I'm curious if anyone has told you to "follow your heart" yet? I've heard this countless times from people, and over the years, realized that this is nothing but a line from some sappy fantasy that we have created seeking the perfect reality. Take a step back and think with your mind, your logical, rational mind. Does your heart feel obligated to stay because you have a past together? Or because you don't want to hurt him, or hope to feel what you once felt in the past? Being young, in college, and living a long distance apart are 3 strikes against a relationship, and the hope of "things lasting forever" have the statistics stacked against them. If you or your SO think you can beat statistics, you watch entirely too many movies lol.Think about what will make you happy, think about making good friends at college, because to me, good friends will heal the soul more effectively than a thousand relationships.

Thanks chad....reading your post helps a lot.

I broke up with him about 3 days ago. Since i had to fly to come see him (i wanted to do it in person), i am staying for the remainder of my school break with him. I dont think it has really hit me yet since we are kinda acting like everything is normal, and 'delaying' the break up until when i leave. My decision was made when i realized breaking up doesnt have to be permenant, and if it is meant to be, then we will get back together in the future...and if not, then...oh well.