I took my first Adderall this morning. In about an hour I started to feel jittery. After another hour I started to feel a little better. Now I have to figure out if I like fixing my ADHD.<br><br> I was never hyperactive instead I was lethargic. Mostly I had a lot of stuff going on in my head. There was the typical noise and a lot of inner conversations. I even had ringing in my ears. I had been this way since before I can remember. I never would be lonely because I had no trouble entertaining myself.<br><br>Now that I can't hear the noise and the many thoughts are gone I am left all alone. I can understand why kids are moody when they first start the meds. It's like losing 4 of your best friends. <br><br>I used to wonder how folks could spend more than 10 minutes on the phone. Why did they have to talk so much. Blah ,blah, blah. Now I understand. How lonely "normal" people must be. I guess I will have to start developing my friendships more. Ahrrgh! <br><br>I feel like I spent my whole life in a wind tunnel. Now the noisy wind is gone and the silence is deafening. :(

When I started taking meds I liked how they were helping me, but I couldn't stop thinking about how much I missed the way my brain used to work. You get used to being you all your life and suddenly you have to learn how to think differently using medication. You get used to it.

I don't like the effect of being normal the meds give me and I told my doctor that. I said I like being broke it felt more fun. lol

I don't like the effect of being normal the meds give me and I told my doctor that. I said I like being broke it felt more fun. lol<br><br>
I agree. I hate this feeling. I don't think I was that bad. It feels as though what makes me unique is not good enough for the rest of the world. (Yes, the medicine made me depressed. I can't seem to stop crying.) So what if I am disorganized and my house is messy. It's not like I don't ever straighten it up. I do the dishes and wash the clothes. I am responsible for the whole house. The only problem is that I have way too much stuff and don't put things back where they belong. I have been working on that and have gotten considerably better by changing my approach. When I accomplish the task I feel really good. So why am I drugging myself? Sure my thinking gets tide up in knots sometimes. I can't hear my friend when she's talking straight at me while in a crowed. It's embarrassing but she understands. I fall asleep when reading a book. I lose words, have flights of thoughts that I try to express and have pressured speech when that happens because if I don't say it all I will forget what train of thought I was on. There are ways of compensating. If its important I can write it down then give the paper to the person or use it as an outline. <br><br>I have learned a lot in the last few months. I know that I have to recognize my behavior patterns. If they don't work than I have to modify them. It has been working and I have never felt better. Until today. I hate that medicine. I really feel like I let myself down by taking it. I figured it might help make me think more clearly but I never expected to feel so empty. I never thought it would make me depressed. If being 'normal' means that I can't be happy I would rather stay abnormal and deal with it. Why try to fit a square peg into a round hole. I say embrace the squareness! I only was doing it for other people anyway. The other people have problems too. <br><br>It turns out that I may not even have ADHD. My husband too started treatment yesterday but his was for Bipolar disorder with Anxiety. The PCN told him that she wasn't sure if it was BPD or ADHD. They are so close in symptoms that BPD gets misdiagnosed a ADHD a lot. We both took an online quiz for BPD today and my score was twice as high as his. My ups and downs are also more visible. I have a lifetime of emotional highs and lows. There are only a few variables that separate BPD and ADHD and they get misdiagnosed for each other a lot. I have most if not all those variables. <br><br>So why am I being treated for ADHD? My former therapist gave me and my husband a test. She got to see my school history because I kept all of the work I did since elementary school. Dear hubby had none of his to show. The therapist wrote a letter for us to give to the psychiatrist. He took her word for it that I have ADHD. Meanwhile, DH had to go see the PCN to be evaluated. DH never saw the psychiatrist. DH feels better and I feel like poo. <br><br>I just don't think I am ready for this yet. I have to figure out the pros and cons. Take the meds and not be me for the sake of other people or stay frustrated, but for the most part, happy. Tell me if you went through this. Is it really worth taking the medicine? if so, why?<br><br>Thank you for taking interest in my dilemma.

If being 'normal' means that I can't be happy I would rather stay abnormal and deal with it. Why try to fit a square peg into a round hole. I say embrace the squareness! I only was doing it for other people anyway. The other people have problems too.

[QUOTE]

I agree so much with that!


[QUOTE] I just don't think I am ready for this yet. I have to figure out the pros and cons. Take the meds and not be me for the sake of other people or stay frustrated, but for the most part, happy. Tell me if you went through this. Is it really worth taking the medicine? if so, why?

I went through this, and IMO it's only worth taking the medicine if you truly believe that you benifit from it. Write down the pro's and cons, thats what I did. Some people just don't like medication, that's not a bad thing. Theres loads of people with ADHD who live their lives fine without it.

Now that I can't hear the noise and the many thoughts are gone I am left all alone. I can understand why kids are moody when they first start the meds. It's like losing 4 of your best friends.

i literally laughed out loud at that last line! i know you weren't trying to be funny and i'm not making fun of you, but i just chuckled b/c you finally put my feelings into words. i know exactly what you're saying... it's really quiet when the meds are working... if you feel like you want to continue taking them, a good way to deal with this is to read or write or talk. that way you don't have that empty "silence" that you speak of. if your brain is processing words, you're not lonely... i find that if i take a break from doing something, i feel those sad feelings set in. it's really remarkable that these things happen to other people! i'm not crazy.. yay.

take care & don't feel like you're forced to take meds, just b/c that is the "treatment," some people find it better for them to be treated, while others find it better to stay how they were. :)

ps - i didn't read all of your second post til now, but i think if you are having doubts about your dx, then its really important to get that sorted out, first and foremost.

whatever the outcome, the most important thing is quality of life and happiness. my best advice would be to take that as your number 1 priorty.

I went through this, and IMO it's only worth taking the medicine if you truly believe that you benifit from it. Write down the pro's and cons, thats what I did. Some people just don't like medication, that's not a bad thing. Theres loads of people with ADHD who live their lives fine without it.
It's not that I don't believe I have a problem. I just don't think ADHD is the correct problem. Because my husband is being treated for Bipolar Disorder with Anxiety I have been reading up on it. We were both told by the therapist we had been seeing that we had ADHD. The only thing that made her think I was ADHA was that fact that I am messy. I hate cleaning, always have. I am a pack rat and have way too much stuff. Dosen't everyone procratinate or avoid doing what they hate doing? It's not that I never clean. I just wait until I can't stand the mess anymore. At that point the amount of housework is overwhelming to me. I was never a housekeeper type. I was the daughter that helped my dad outside. I am a tomboy at heart. Very mechanically inclined. The therapist focused on ADHD but she also saw my highs and lows. I have a lifetime of emotional roller coaster rides. I react to easily to facial cues and speach inflections. Regulating my emotions is difficult if I don't watch it. I also have most of the differentiating variables that separate BPD from ADHD.<br><br> The main reason I am seeking help at all is because I seem to not live up to other peoples expectations. I also have little sense of what I really want. Everytime I wanted to do something I was told 'no' by my parents. Throughout my life that was my problem. I literally lived for what my parents wanted and what 'I should do'. The problem was that it went against what I wanted. <br><br>I don't even know if I could be successful at anything except my marriage. I never tried. When I get an idea of what I might want to do, or if what I am going for seems the least bit difficult, I hear my Mom's voice say, "Oh Beth, that is too hard. Why would you want to do that?" She busted my balloon every time. My self worth is not good. Who am I to achieve anything? (Pouting). One thing I always wanted to do, I did achieve. I am a WIFE with a great husband. That was the whole extent of my dreams. I am a good help mate. I never was allowed to do what I wanted and learned to stuff my dreams away. There was no point to be motivated. I was never given any reason to achieve.<br><br>One of the differences between ADHD and BP is that one has to do partially with distractibility (ADHD) and the other partially with motivation (BPD). (I have currently spent over 2 hours writing and correcting this post without stopping or being distracted and without medication. It took this long because I don't know how to type and sometimes hit the wrong keys. I have spent longer on other projects. Even projects I was so interested in yet had to complete.To complete the project was my motivation.<br><br> I ended up stuck at my parents house taking care of my mom until I was almost 28 years old. I was never encouraged to get a job. Every time I wanted to leave, my mom convinced me not to go. I knew I couldn't leave her with my dad. Dad was too interested in himself to be a good caregiver to mom. (Mom was handicapped from a botched spinal surgery on her back when I was 9 yrs. old.) <br><br> I did end up leaving at age 27 because I met my husband and he lived across the lake in Vermont. (He also couldn't leave home until he was 28. He was raised buy his Grandmother and mom. I think his Grandmother was bipolar. She was just like my Dad. His mom had big anxiety problems.) My mother knew then that I had to go. So I left without a job and got my own apartment and then worked at a drug store until it closed a year and a half later. I hated that job but my motivation was freedom. If I had ADHD it would have messed with my work. I never had any problem working at any job. I was organized and efficient. Bosses always was told me I did a great job.<br><br> The only thing that effects work is emotional stress. I get depressed then I get 'sick'. I have a long history of psychosomatic illness which really does get me physically sick.(I can even raise my temperature if I think on it.) It usually comes from having to do things I hate doing because I have to do them for other people. Some folks might say I get bored. Actually, it is because I loose any sense of motivation. I settle and stop reaching for greater things. My goal is to be employed but then I stop dreaming of greater success. Money has never been a factor in my choice of work. I worked because I had too. After getting hired there was no longer any challenge except the fear of losing said job. I have a stinking B.S. degree in Community Health Education and nearly a minor in Psychology. What good is it? <br><br> I can't honestly say I ever had a time in my life where my lack of achievement was due to the symptoms of ADHD. With ADHD it doesn't seem like a person has a choice to be the way he/she is. With BPD You can actually get help with behavioral modification and therapy. I have done a lot of that on my own recently. Especially in the area of emotional regulation. <br><br> By the way, I used to think my dad was a narcissist and/or ADHD. Looking at the description of BPD I would say it fits him nicely. Especially his fits of rage. Which, I too get. I am just like him but not quite as severe. I at least acknowledge there is a problem. It would explain how unhappy our home was. The universe revolved around my dad. It still does. Thank God I live over 1000,00 mile away from him now. <br><br>Mom died in 2000. Her years between the time I moved to Vermont until she died were very lonely for her. Letting me go was a great sacrifice for her. I would drive an hour and a half each way every other weekend for 7 years to see her and bring her a little happiness. Dad didn't do much to emotionally support her or physically care for her. He is great at ignoring other peoples needs. I do not take after him that way, thank goodness.<br><br>Hubby and I took a few online quizes for BPD. My score was twice what his was on one of them. If my husband and I both have BPD you may wonder how we can stand living together. As I tell people, we came to this marriage with a matching set of baggage. We understand each other. He is my counterbalance and I, his.

i literally laughed out loud at that last line! i know you weren't trying to be funny and i'm not making fun of you, but i just chuckled b/c you finally put my feelings into words. i know exactly what you're saying... it's really quiet when the meds are working... if you feel like you want to continue taking them, a good way to deal with this is to read or write or talk. that way you don't have that empty "silence" that you speak of. if your brain is processing words, you're not lonely... i find that if i take a break from doing something, i feel those sad feelings set in. it's really remarkable that these things happen to other people! i'm not crazy.. yay.

take care & don't feel like you're forced to take meds, just b/c that is the "treatment," some people find it better for them to be treated, while others find it better to stay how they were. :)

Wow, thanks for the feedback. By the way one thing that the Adderall did for me was stop the tinnitus in my ears. No more irritating ringing.

Sorry I have to digress for a moment. Okay it's an off topic rant.<br><br>
I sometimes wonder if as a society we expect too much that people should be 'normal'. I can understand if the 'problems' that we have are injurious to ourselves or others than it is right to regulate them. Some folks just process information differently. If we were so abnormal there wouldn't be so many of us.<br><br>Normal is a label a society constructs. What is normal to this society may not be normal to another. Many if not all of the most creative and famous people in history would be considered abnormal to a degree. Their abnormality set them apart from the norm. To be honest I don't think I know anyone who fits the label 'normal' perfectly. We have 'normal' with tolerance. A little obsession is okay but when it goes past what is beneficial to society it becomes abnormal.<br><br>Sometimes, I think advent of Psychology came from mankind's lust for superiority. It is all theory. All science is theory not fact. If it were fact it would not be a science because there would no longer be a need to study. It would never change.<br><br>What we consider abnormal today will be normal tomorrow. For example, tattooing and piercing. It used to be that in our society only men got tattoos especially if they served in the military. Only women would have pierced ears,(nothing else), at one time. It would have been psychologically abnormal to get your tongue pierced years ago. Not so much now. It just looks strange and leads to chipped teeth and slurred speach. Can you tell I have a rebellious streak?