I am new to this forum. I have been desperately searching the internet and trying to educate myself on ADD as my hubby and I are in counseling and near divorce. The counselor advised last week she believes he is ADD ---although this would explain alot of the broken promises, deer in the headlight look among many other things, Im wondering how in the world this will ever work. Will this always be a one sided relationship? Will my own emotional needs never be met in this relationship? Will he always forget? Will it always be "Im trying"? Will it always be "I ran out of time"? Or "I dont know how I feel"? How have some of you learned to make it work? In some aspects its a relief knowing that it isnt that he doesnt care (which I believed for 6 years now) but in other aspects I wonder does it change? Any input on experiences some of you may have will be openly listened to.
Thanks
Weezer

I will be married to my ADD'er 7 years this summer. It's not easy but you just need an understanding and put things in perspective.

Now that someone suspects he is ADD maybe he can get appropriate meds. They really do help.

I hope with the right meds and continued counseling you can save your marriage.

In the 7 years did you know that the ADD was there in the beginning of the marriage? This has put a whole different perspective on my part. All these years I have thought he just cared about himself and that he was very selfish. The thoughts of ADD never crossed my mind until it was brought up last week and the more I research the more I am convinced thats the problem. (Or at least contributes on a large part) He is taking one of the evaluation tests this week as well as she has one for me as an observer to take. What kind of meds? He isnt hyper at all, actually the extreme opposite. I always thought you had to be hyper to have ADD.

Weezer, I was married to an innattentive type with depression (like your hubby?) for 12 years, and 9 years later, he is still in denial. I am happy for your marriage that he is giving it a go, is investigating it, and is working towards some self-improvement and understanding of it for himself and for the sake of your relationship. Innattentives are not hyper. My son is also a diagnosed innattentive with just a tad of H splashed in, but not much. With counseling, therapy, meds if prescribed, would all be positive changes in your relationships.

I think there may be some depression mixed in with it also. I have had such a hard time understanding and its like we are continually in the same circle with the same problem over and over and it never changes. I thought it was because he didnt care that he would have selective memory on things. It has always seemed to me that if it were important to him, he could remember but if it were important to me, he wouldnt. I too am glad that he is willing to get help at this point, in some ways its almost a relief that there is some sort of at least reason for the madness its been. I cant count the unfinished projects, the times of I forgot and just endless down time. But everytime we would argue I would get Im sorry it will change and it never changed. It has been very confusing as well as very hurtful. Thanks for your input. Im sorry it didnt work with your hubby and he stayed in denial.....I hope that isnt my case, because I dont know how much more I could possibly handle. Thanks for your input.

In the 7 years did you know that the ADD was there in the beginning of the marriage? This has put a whole different perspective on my part. All these years I have thought he just cared about himself and that he was very selfish. The thoughts of ADD never crossed my mind until it was brought up last week and the more I research the more I am convinced thats the problem. (Or at least contributes on a large part) He is taking one of the evaluation tests this week as well as she has one for me as an observer to take. What kind of meds? He isnt hyper at all, actually the extreme opposite. I always thought you had to be hyper to have ADD.
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficulttime, weezer.

I, myself was diagnosed inattentive ADHD formally by a neuropsychologist on Monday, after searching for 30 years for the answer to the question "what is wrong with me?" :( Everyone I saw said I was *depressed.* I am also bipolar II and have generalized anxiety disorder. And I'm 52.

Like you, I had no idea there was an inattentive type of ADHD until I found this forum. It goes undiagnosed because it doesn't cause as many problems for teachers and parents as the hyperactive type does. I believe my older brother had it as well, and he died of complications from liver damage due to excessive alcohol use. I know both of us felt like lazy losers all of our lives. And I still miss him, 14 years after he died (at age 40.)

Divorce is horribly painful, and as hard as working on the marriage is, the alternative is so much worse.

Do pick up a couple of books on ADHD or ADD at the library or a bookstore. I started with "Driven to Distraction" and Delivered from Distraction by Dr.'s Hallowell and Ratey. They are both Harvard educated doctors who both have ADHD.

There are a couple of little videos that are informative as well. Click here:

http://www.drthomasebrown.com/resources/index.html (http://www.drthomasebrown.com/resources/index.html)

I know it is hard for you. It is also very hard for him. You may be at the end of trying to be understanding and supportive! But please learn all you can and stick with the counseling. Good luck! :) ;)

And, WELCOME!!!

BTW, I started Wellbutrin xl 150 mg about 8 weeks ago, and have more energy and less depression than in the last 15 years. I will also be adding a mood stabilizer for the bipolar and seeing how that goes before trying any stims.

Do you have any kids? How old is hubby? Remember, there is hope! :D

Only one child from my first marriage. He is 42. We chose not to have children.

Thanks so much for the links jeaniebug. I have ordered the book Driven to Distraction from my local library and am waiting for it to get there. Im just trying to understand him I guess. I will say this has put a new perspective on things. And it explains a lot of misunderstandings and communication problems. To fully understand, I guess I wont be able to cuz I cant be in "his skin" so to speak, but I will try. I never wanted things to be the way they are right now and at times I have felt really bad for him. I see a little light anyway. How long does this process take? I mean, he is an adult not diagnosed til now? What do they do? Does it get better?

I am new to this forum. I have been desperately searching the internet and trying to educate myself on ADD as my hubby and I are in counseling and near divorce. The counselor advised last week she believes he is ADD ---although this would explain alot of the broken promises, deer in the headlight look among many other things, Im wondering how in the world this will ever work. Will this always be a one sided relationship? Will my own emotional needs never be met in this relationship? Will he always forget? Will it always be "Im trying"? Will it always be "I ran out of time"? Or "I dont know how I feel"? How have some of you learned to make it work? In some aspects its a relief knowing that it isnt that he doesnt care (which I believed for 6 years now) but in other aspects I wonder does it change? Any input on experiences some of you may have will be openly listened to.
Thanks
Weezer
Hi weezer, welcome to the forum. Take a deep breath and slow down. I had a very similar experiance about a year ago and know how you feel. The toughts race, you feel sorry for your past reactions and wonder what life would have been like had you understood what was going on. You feel bad about your behavior and reactions knowing now what you didn't know then. Don't beat yourself up over this. You reacted and felt what you did from a perspective of dealing with a normal relationship. You have now discovered that this is a different relationship and you must react differently. You need to take some time to re-evaluate your life and relationship and figure out what you want to do. The best way to do this is to find out all the information you can about ADD and ADHD. Look through this forum, post your questions, laugh, cry and share with others. You are not alone and not the only one to go through this. I urge you to not make any rash descissions and understand it will take at least a year for your life to settle back down into some form of stability.

My wife and I were very close to divorce a year ago, we got through it and are much closer now.

Hi weezer, welcome to the forum. Take a deep breath and slow down. I had a very similar experiance about a year ago and know how you feel. The toughts race, you feel sorry for your past reactions and wonder what life would have been like had you understood what was going on. You feel bad about your behavior and reactions knowing now what you didn't know then. Don't beat yourself up over this. You reacted and felt what you did from a perspective of dealing with a normal relationship. You have now discovered that this is a different relationship and you must react differently. You need to take some time to re-evaluate your life and relationship and figure out what you want to do. The best way to do this is to find out all the information you can about ADD and ADHD. Look through this forum, post your questions, laugh, cry and share with others. You are not alone and not the only one to go through this. I urge you to not make any rash descissions and understand it will take at least a year for your life to settle back down into some form of stability.

My wife and I were very close to divorce a year ago, we got through it and are much closer now.
wow does that sum up how I feel in a nutshell. I have been flooded with memories, things done, things said and I do feel bad. I had no idea. Honestly I fell into the "I thought this only affected children and that they had to be hyper" myth. And then I got on the net and started reading. Its like reading some of these articles and articles about relationships with ADDers is my marriage. I couldnt believe it. I was stunned. And then overwhelmed with the guilt and oh my gosh and what does this mean feelings. I have so desperately wanted to connect with him and he has always been so distant. I am the typical "fix it" person. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldnt fix it or stop what was happening. Going to counseling was the last effort I was going to make in this. Even at that, it has been two months and we are just uncovering it now. He isnt staying with me right now as I had him leave because I couldnt handle anymore fights and arguements --- the short temper but its starting to make sense now. Thanks for sharing.

Yes I knew upfront he was ADD. It was something I knew I had to work with. That did help. I knew what I was getting. Sort of. In my mind I knew but actually dealing with it was harder than I anticipated at times.

Also, he was in a previous marriage for 15 years and I was in a previous marriage for 11 years so we were also able to put things in perspective and could more easily avoid pitfalls.

Good luck.

Keep learning about ADHD, weezer, so you can separate being ADHD from just being human. When you know the difference, then you have to decide if you can accept the things you cannot change.

Your situation is the same as mine in every way.

Only I'm writing this from the perspective of your husband rather than you (the non-ADD person in the relationship)

About six months ago, I went to a counselor (by myself in my case) as I had driven my wife to the end of her tether. We had another argument, but this time in my totally deluded state of self-righteousness I decided to pointedly blame all our failings on my wife and wreak some pretty terrible emotional damage.

I know she has been at this point with me a few times in the 11 years we've been together. This time though now with 2 baby girls - to my never-ending shame, she had given birth to the second only a week before, and added to that little sleep and the pressure of having my parents living with us temporarily (they do not get on), I finally broke her resolve to keep us together.


In the aftermath of that last row, finally faced with the very real possibility that I had lost my wife and to all effect my two girls too. I finally, and for the first time in my life, decided to force myself to properly explore my role in the issues we repeatedly have. In the first instance it was maybe only a gesture to try to delay the final break that was looming large, something to buy myself a little time to fix things.

Luckily the counselor I saw was amazing, she forced me to re-direct my thinking, and within the space of the first hour she became the first person I have ever (and I mean ever) opened up to, and from that first meeting she suggested that ADD was something I had to explore.


I don't know if my attitude is common to ADD people, to be so out of touch with your self. But opening up my mind to the reality that my behaviour was totally out of line with what it needed to be, was the first step on my journey to fixing it.

What I mean is... facing up to ADD was a secondary challenge. The first thing to face up to was the fact that it was me who was letting people down. I made promises I never kept, I lied to protect the failed promises, I forgot everything that was important to those around me, I was un-productive at work, I was a hopeless friend, a poor father, and due to the stress of all that I had become an unhappy and often aggressive (verbally only) husband.

The fact that ADD answered some of the root causes behind this was a side issue. The counselor helped me see that until I took responsibility for the what I have done, accepting an "excuse" for it would send me on the wrong path to fixing it. This is where she saved my life. Without the right advice I would have probably gone home after the official diagnosis (which I got four months later) and said... "accept me as I am", "I can't help it", "you're being unfair" etc etc.

I have now entered into a "contract" with my wife. Excuses are not going to be accepted, occaisonal failures will however be forgiven. Now I don't feel the need to lie to cover my tracks (well not as much - its a terrible habit)

I have to change, ADD or not, Because it is clear that if I don't we'll be back where we were - her leaving and taking my beautiful babies. It comes down to how much you as the ADD part of the relationship want it, and only you can tell yourself that.


I've had six months of this, and it is the hardest thing I have ever taken on. My wife has started to trust me and has bought into the fact that I am starting to change. She is so much more positive in terms of her self, as she no longer blames herself for everything, and because of that she is more able to be patient with me and help me when I do things wrong - I have a new nickname "the 90% man" - which is used when I can't quite get things finished properly before wandering off to do something else - this friendly moniker helps so much more than the exasperated sigh, and the snide comment.

I have used medication during this time (Zoloft 5 months on 100mg and 1 month on Dex 4-6 x 5mg, daily) The Zoloft really helped me in the process of self-discovery, self-analysis and developing empathy. These skills were so underdeveloped that it was obvious that I hadn’t ever used them.

I'm not sure about dex - hyperfocus on the wrong thing (like writing to forums when I'm at work) has been magnified massively - but I'm so much better than I was without it in other aspects of my life. An amazing case in point is the fact that my eldest daughter (2.8yr) has become my best friend - she wants to be with me always, needless to say that wasn't the case 6 months ago.


I have huge regrets that I wasted 32 years getting the diagnosis and the help - but they are easily tempered with the fact that I have just been given a second chance with family.

Please feel free to ignore me, I hardly feel qualified to advise anyone, but I can offer this...


Your husband has to decide whether he wants things to be different or not, he should get help from wherever he can, but he needs to except that it is him and not the ADD that is to blame. Controlling the symptoms of ADD is merely something that will help him change - admittedly it will be the biggest help he could ever get.

Possibly, you need to decide whether you buy into this relationship given what you have had confirmed. the ADD won't go away, but some of the frustrating behaviours can be reduced or even eliminated over time (with effort and practice). It takes patience and good humour from you (a major challenge I know)

If he is anything like me, he is hyper-sensitive to letting you down even though that it never seems to stop him doing it. and the reaction to that sensitivity can quickly become anger and frustration in him causing, which is understandable considering that he probably, like me, has been letting people down his entire life.

The frustration of letting people down, saying the wrong thing and never getting the reaction that you thought you were going to get is debilitating.

If I feel I can make mistakes without ruining all the good work I was trying to do, I feel like I'm more motivated to carry on trying.

I must say before I finish, I am no expert and my approach may not work for others and may even not work for me after a while. I have to qualify all that I have said with the fact that I have been at this point for a short time, and it is generally the fresh convert that is most eager.

I just know what is working for me and my wife. I'm still only the 90% man, but at least now I'm giving it 100% (sappy I know, but it amused me!)


Good luck, to both of you. I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I also suggest reading ADD & Romance http://www.amazon.com/D-Romance-Finding-Fulfillment-Relationships/dp/087833209X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/104-1765833-1412711

I read it a few months into the relationship with my BF and it has helped both of us. I think you guys are on the right track with therapy.

[QUOTE=weezer]Im sorry it will change and it never changed. It has been very confusing as well as very hurtful. QUOTE]

This is really hard for me, too. I think the main thing is "follow-through." It is really important that people do the things they say they will because if not, it begins to break down the trust we have in our partner. And without that trust, the love begins to break down and we are left empty and confused. My BF isn't on meds or in therapy at the moment, but he knows he has ADD (also inattentive type) and so he uses a lot of coping skills to deal with things. I would recommend you both talk to your therapist about coping skills. For example, when I want to talk to my boyfriend about something serious I preface it with, "honey, this is serious and I really need you to focus" and he tries to tune out the distractions. It doesn't work all the time, but it does work. Or, he really has trouble getting his thoughts together sometimes so he'll say "log-jam" to let me know he's having trouble, not that he's ignoring me. Sometimes just saying that will get him "unstuck" and he can continue conversing.

The important thing to remember is that ADD is not his fault and he can't help that he has it. However, he can help how he deals with it and he is still responsible for the consequences of his actions or inaction. You deserve to have a partner who is present and he deserves understanding.

I wish you both the best - don't give up - you're on the right path.

Thank you for you heartfelt post superman_undies.

I can honestly say that if my DH didn't recognize his ADHD and the impact it had on his family and worked toward bettering himself I don't know that I could have stayed with it either.

We are fortunate that we both have an understanding of ADHD.

I am glad that your wife was willing to be patient and you were willing to take the steps necessary to learn to work with your ADHD.

:)

superman undies

thanks so much for your input. actually, you do sound a lot and I mean a lot like him. to be honest, this whole thing scares me. how do you weed out the hurt and the truth of things? parts of me feel so guilty and yet parts of me are angry still. but your response really struck home. i appreciate it. im just so confused and hurt. he always said he was trying and he just didnt know why he couldnt just get it together. I have started listening to Driven to Distraction and laughed at a few of the couples stories in there cuz it sure sounded like us and me not understanding why he couldnt follow through and just do what he said he was going to do. I feel like I should give him a chance and I feel like no it wont change, all at the same time and its quite troublesome. thanks though, your input has me thinking and I like hearing your perspective.

Weezer, don't feel guilty, you did what you knew, then. The fact that you are taking part of the responsibility for some difficulty in your relationship will not be lost on your partner. I, the ADHDer, assumed most of the "problems" were mine; goes with the territory. When I went on meds, it was very interesting to discover I wasn't the only screw up. :D

Superman Undies, I am really very proud of you, and the work that you are doing to work with your ADHD. I'm kinda jealous! Weezer, I hope your man has the strength, motivation and courage to do what he needs to do for your relationship. You know, some of the most difficulties I had with my ex were his lack of executive functions. It seemed he'd rather continue to look like a jerk than try to come up with some coping skills and tools though. But, to each his own. I've seen many posters overcome a lot of struggles with the use of a coach. Someone that comes into their day and their needs, and creatively comes up with strategies for sucess. Had my ex been interested, we may still be together. I pray for blessings of motivation and direction for your husband, and courage and patience for you. :-)

Hi Weezer and welcome: I think you'll be astonished by the Hallowell books -- he's very clear, has lots of lists and offers much hope. I think the answer to your question about will things ever change is -- yes, they can. And yet, the ADD never goes away. My husband was diagnosed late in life. He has inattentive and also depression. The biggest thing to me was finally watching him get the depression under control (with Wellbutrin). Even after that initial step, he decided for some reason I'll never understand to quit taking the drugs. He then became suicidal. He's back on now and doing well and will be seeing a doc soon to see about trying (again) some ADD medications. Nobody likes taking drugs, but we're hoping this may give him an edge in being able to get some things done. Probably the biggest impact the unidiagnosed ADD had on him was that he's filled with shame - he couldn't be the worker/friend/father/etc. that he always thought he would be. Getting past that guilt and shame is a huge deal. We now see a therapist once a week -- someone who's willing to treat him on a sliding scale.

I hope that you'll start to see little changes and gain some insights that will give you hope. Please stick around and keep talking and listening.

I hope that you'll start to see little changes and gain some insights that will give you hope. Please stick around and keep talking and listening.[/QUOTE]
I too hope that I will start to see some little changes, really thats all Im looking for. Baby steps is better than none at all. I think that this coming to surface has already starting making changes in both of us. I know that my perspective changed almost immediately. Im very happy for him and very sad for him all at the same time. At least he knows whats been happening to him his entire life and yet I feel sad watching him hurt because of it. We talked last night and probably had the most constructive conversation we have ever had about whats happening to us, to him. He was on the verge of tears from both relief and from frustration that he is only finding out now at the age of 43.He does say and does appear to be very willing to do whatever it takes, not only for us but for himself. Our problems have always been this cycle that we could never get out of and I never understood why, but things sure are making more and more sense the more educated I become about ADD. I never realized that this can affect adults. I was always under the impression it was a kids disorder. Boy was I wrong.