**I also posted this in the new members forum, but I placed it here too b/c i'm desperate for some answers/advice.. thanks all**.. please read on..

hello.. i'm new here.. i haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but my therapist thinks i should take an ADD test to see if it is related to a problem i'm having in my relationship - let me explain..

i'm 27 y/o, and in relationship with the most wonderful woman i've ever met.. we plan on getting married in a yr or so.. here's the problem.. when we were first dating.. we TALKED a lot.. more so than we should have.. we talked about our pasts, ppl we had dated, intimate histories, etc..

we've been together for 7 mons, and lately, i've been having "uncontrolled thoughts about guys she's dated before me" while we're together.. usually right before she wants to kiss me or something.. it's horrible.. she's so wonderful, and I hate myself for this. I'm also in dental school, and over the last few yrs, i've definitely had a harder time concentrating, and studying takes me longer all the time.. do you think these things (esp the problem w/ my g/f) could be caused by ADD ? I mean, its like despite hating the thought, and just wanting to forget it, it keeps popping in my head. She on the other hand, despite knowing about my past, chooses not to think about it, and she's fine..

I hope to take an ADD test this wk and meet back w/ my therapist on friday. Please, if you have any advice, please offer it.. help save my relationship. my g/f is very patient and wants nothing more than to help me through this, but i know it hurts her b/c she can tell when my head is not clear.. thanks - Bob :(
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Hmm.. it's so hard to tell right now. It could be the ADD that's causing your thoughts, or maybe something entirely different.

I think that if you are concerned about your relationship, than be prepared to put some distance between you two while you figure this thing out. I'm not saying break up all together. But you may end up saying damaging things to her that you don't mean, all to alievate those horrible feelings inside.

And don't assume that a diagnosis will 'protect' your relationship either. If indeed you do have ADD, it comes with it's own bag of emotions you have to sort through. The diagnosis is really only just the beginning. Depending on how you choose to manage your ADD, the symptoms can still cause you to run your life.

I will agree with the above poster in that a diagnosis of ADD will bring temporary relief but it does come with it's own emotional reactions. This is going to sound bad but I wonder if this is a male thing?. Gary went through a phases like this where he was very insecure about my past relationships. Naturally his biggest worries were relationships I had with my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I share twins and we naturally have contact with each other on a regular basis. When children get in trouble some times my ex-husband will discuss children things.

I told Gary like it is. I will continue to converse with my ex about the children we share however I do not have conversations with my ex-husband Gary is not invited to, I treat Gary as I would want to be treated. Every one in a while Gary gets phone calls from an ex-wife, occasionally an ex-girl friend. I can handle these things as long as Gary is open and honest. I do expect Gary to deal with the contact I have with my ex when it comes to weddings, births, and the other stressful events our children still manage to spring upon us. My ex-husband and I divorced each other but neither one of us divorced our children.

I pointed out to Gary if I wanted to be with my ex-husband I would be there with him instead of here with you. That is the way it is. If your girl friend wanted to be with one of her ex-es then that is where she would be period.

The rest of it is just insecurity and fear of intimacy in my opinion. IN all honesty I have a hard time seperating ADHD from me the person, I can't seperate a condition from a person because the ADD is part of me and possibly a part of you.

The point is you are having an issue ADD related or not. One thing is you need to realize that you do not control your girl friend. You are not fooling her, manipulating her or forcing her to do any thing. She is free to make her own decisions about with whom she wishes to see. Your girl friend is right where she wants to be.


The best way to keep her is to appreciate that and quit worrying about how you compare to the others in her past. I will tell you from a woman's point of view when it comes to male comparisons. . . . you men are all different in your own ways. For me there is no such thing as comparisons. It isn't male "physical features" how much money you make or how well you kiss but for me it is about attitude and treatment. Man you got to trust she is for real and no matter what happens or has happened you can handle it. Insecurity begins within self, you got to learn to trust in yourself and in your ability to handle life stuff.

Remember you came with a past yourself. Do you constantly compare your present girl friend with all the others you have had? If you wanted to be with one of them instead of your present girl friend would you not be else where. You are with whom you wish to be why would you think it would be any different for your girl friend? Your girl friend doesn't have to be with you any more than you have to be with her. Life is and should always remain a two way street.

Sounds harsh maybe but that isn't my intent, My desire to be straight forward with the truth as I see it from a female's point of view but hardly the only one. .

thank you.. i am seeing my therapist this wkend.. i think its more of a long term OCD thing i've had for awhile.. but i appreciate all the input. cheers.