The other night we (my BF and I) were at home...kind of doing nothing but enjoying a lazy Sunday...As I was sitting there thinking I made mention that "The longer we've been together the better we seem to get a long..." this for me is kind of amazing b/c I used to bounce from relationship to relationship like it was nothing...
Anyway, what bothered me (at least I think it bothered me...) was his reply which was "No I just have gotten used to using your ADD to my advantage." When I saked what that was all about he replied "When you start to get off the topic I can redirect you to what you need to focus on." What he doesn't realize is that when he does this it really makes me mad b/c sometimes he sounds more like a father figure than a boyfriend...I know being on his end of it may be difficult...but sometimes its like..."ok no you have to get out of the house now or you're gonna be late." Sometimes it seems like he nags...maybe he doesnt mean too...I can't think of a really good example of his annoying redirection techniques...maybe I'll have to re-post when he does something like that...

So, how do I take this??? I am sure he didn't mean anything by what he said...or maybe he didnt choose his words well...but does anyone else's SO say things like this? Is it just that he ment that he's gotten use to my "Whoops I forgot...I'll make it better." remarks. My hyperfocus on everything...but what is really at hand....

AUUUHHH!!!
Sometimes Non-ADDers can be soo difficult...
Thanks
guru

I very easily take comments as nagging.
I think we are prone to making that leap.

I think that, unless he becomes patronizing, overbearing, or controlling, that I would try very hard to look at it as a blessing.

It is a good thing when someone close to you can work constructively with you like that. "Constructively" being the key word. He should not be enabling negative behaviors, which would do you no favors, nor should he use your weaknesses to manipulate you. Instead he should be helping you do what is necessary to learn to cope with your deficits, concentrate on your strengths, and grow and blossom as the unique quantity you are. If he is doing right by you, and you are happy, then try not to be upset. There are not a lot of ways he could have honestly answered that question without sounding patronizing whether he was being so or not.

I guess that makes sense...he is -or well tries to be constructive...he lacks in presentation of conversation...know what I mean...like he'll say something mean to be perfectly "nice" about it...but it comes out like he's being a jerk...I guess maybe I took this as "I treat you like a child and redirect what you're doing like you're 5" of course thats what I heard...and I'm sure he ment it differently...
Yes I am happy...yes he is a great man...and no he doesnt do anything abusive or mean...so I guess its dealable...
thanks for listening...I have a tendancy to "read" things the wrong way...you'll see that over time

I tend to take things in the most negative light possible myself. I didn't give you any advice I don't have to beat into my own head on a daily basis. :-)

I guess I spent so much time as a kid being misunderstood and told what an attitude problem I had, or how lazy or what have you I was that I just got very defensive. It's an almost ingrained kneejerk response now. When I find myself suddenly hurt or angry I have to take a deep breath and a step back before I allow myself to talk... Sometimes this even prevents me from making an *** of myself. ;-)

samething here...at least I'm not the only one...my entire life I've been 1/2 ***** (can I say that?) lazy...at on point my mother asked me who I was I told her that I was nobody...nothing and I was going to end up at BOCES trying to learn some kind of trade b/c I'm not good enough to get into college...so I've never been good enough...so yes it is hard to get past that...so I'll try this take a step back and take a deep breath...

I used to think that way, you know. It doesn't have to be like that though. Also, if you are anything at all like I was you weren't lazy at all. You just worked too damned hard to get nowhere, got treated like crap, and gave up.

Stick around here and you'll find a whole bunch of folk who have been in that boat at one time or another. College is definitely not out of the question. Nor are a whole lot of other things. There is a bunch of negative crap that comes with ADHD. There are also some real gifts, at least in my opinion.

DOH! Sorry, you have already been around for quite a while. I'm a boob!

I had one "higher up" at work ask why I was swaying from side to side one day...when i told him I had ADD he said
"you must be really smart." I thought he was insulting me at first...but he wasnt...needless to say I could only wish to move to his division...but that would require moving...
Its taken me a long time to find "support groups" here on the netwe dont have a CHADD chapter or anything like that here...it helps like you wouldnt imagine to know that there is someone out there that understands what I'm talking about...its sooo much easier than talking to BF...who just bluntly doesnt get it sometimes...but does his best to try...

AG,
I have the same thing happen with my wife. She reminds me to do something and I tend to think of it as nagging. Sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. I know as an ADDer I am over senstive to anything that resembles criticism.

If you can find a group or a counsleor to hook up with that helps a lot. I know that talking with people who have ADD can help a lot. It has for me. People who do not have ADD cannot really understand what we have gone through and how are mind works.

I tried college 3 times and never finished. I am the only supervisor in my job that did not finish college. So that may not be the only answer.

I have an associates degree...I'm working on something else now -I just dont knwo what I want my bachelors in...
we've been thru counselling and occasionally go when we need an "adjustment" otherwise I go regularly...so it helps...
I just hate this part of ADD...otherwise it wouldnt be such a big deal...

What part do you hate?
I am guessing here, but for me it is that I think people who know I have it look down on me. I am sure that is not the case with everyone. Also the ADD has put a strain on pretty much every relationship I have ever had.

don't get me wrong I love being different...thats the best part...I'm different but not "self conscious" I've been known to sit down in the middle of books stores to read something...silly things like that...
I hate feeling stupid...I was diagnosed as an adult...so my entire academic career I was always behind....do you ever wonder how far you would be in life if it was noticed early on and taken care of in the first place...
relationship wise...I've dated who I want when I want...the thing is is now I know what I want (and I have it) but that was a long journey in and of itself...
I hate being "looked down at" too...that just makes me mad...I hate being treated like a child...and I hate that people are soooooo uneducated...it makes me mad!

Originally posted by adventureguru
do you ever wonder how far you would be in life if it was noticed early on and taken care of in the first place...

hooboy can I relate to that statement! I think the only thing to do though is to not even look at the time wasted, but just make the most of today. You can't get that time back, so why cry over it?

As for the reminding/nagging, as an ADD person, you're already oversensitive, and add to that the years and years you've had people reminding you or redirecting you, and of course you're going to get tired of it from tired to time.

I can COMPLETELY understand how you would see it as patronizing/condescending/etc., but that doesn't change the fact that as an ADD person, you NEED this help. And always will. And you're very lucky to have found a person willing and able to do it for you. I'm sure a lot of people on this board would love to have such a person.

The question is, is he saying it in a way that's condescending, or are you just taking it that way? If he is, then you can speak to him about it, make suggestions of how you'd rather he phrase it or whatever.

I think the thing to do about that is to alter your perception of it. Have you ever seen the movie "The Princess Bride"? If not, I highly recommend it. The point is, when he reminds, he's basically saying "I love you". Look at it that way, and eventually you will retrain your brain to not instinctively react negatively to these comments, even if he is phrasing them condescendingly. He's not perfect either.

I just hate it when he says "no,no,no..." OH THAT DRIVES ME NUTS!
I'll write more later...I need to ponder this a bit...

As for the princess bride...own it-great movie!

E-boy, you said this:
I guess I spent so much time as a kid being misunderstood and told what an attitude problem I had, or how lazy or what have you I was that I just got very defensive. It's an almost ingrained kneejerk response now. When I find myself suddenly hurt or angry I have to take a deep breath and a step back before I allow myself to talk... Sometimes this even prevents me from making an *** of myself. ;-)
This really speaks to me, and I am only SOMETIMES able to take a step back. The thing I hate most is having been or being misunderstood. I pride myself on being articulate. Someone once said that we don't mind being criticized for a trait we don't value. For example, if word were to get back to me that my sense of fashion was "early feed sack," I'd just laugh. Who cares about that? Not me!

Nagging is paradoxical, i think.

What makes nagging, nagging, is the nagee not the nagger.

If one asks to be reminded of something, and then choses not to take the expected action when reminded, but doesn't release the reminding party from the sense of resposibility to remind, then the fault lies with the naggee... for failing to notify of the the CHANGE.

Being ADD DOES create vulnerabilities.

I had to learn to totally TOTALLY stiffel and eliminate ANY "getting of my hackles up" when someone would tell me where to turn when I didn't need to be reminded (when driving).

NOONE can tell when I need and when I don't... sometimes I need to be reminded three times in 50 yards about a right turn approaching, other times i can make a 30 mile trip with tons of turns on my own. If I'm going to bother people to help me, i need to be accepting of the help ANYTIME, since i cannot be clear about when i need it and when i don't.


david

Originally posted by Ace
E-boy, you said this:
I guess I spent so much time as a kid being misunderstood and told what an attitude problem I had, or how lazy or what have you I was that I just got very defensive. It's an almost ingrained kneejerk response now. When I find myself suddenly hurt or angry I have to take a deep breath and a step back before I allow myself to talk... Sometimes this even prevents me from making an *** of myself. ;-)
This really speaks to me, and I am only SOMETIMES able to take a step back.

The thing I hate most is having been or being misunderstood.


I pride myself on being articulate. Someone once said that we don't mind being criticized for a trait we don't value. For example, if word were to get back to me that my sense of fashion was "early feed sack," I'd just laugh. Who cares about that? Not me!

I abhore being misunderstood. I think of myself as a non-verbal thinker. Putting words to things is very hard for me. I am "rated" as having a large vocabulary. I think that is a natural reaction to wanting to be understood, feercely so. But I find it seems to me to do little to alleviate the problem of me being miss understood.

Others seem to careless about whether they are understood, or whether they understand. those two issues I would "sell my own mother for." There is Nothing, social or otherwise, that has more engaged power in my life than these two aspects of understanding, and as a result I violate social norms flagrantly, and exacerbate being miss understood!

Originally posted by Wheel1975


I abhore being misunderstood. I think of myself as a non-verbal thinker. Putting words to things is very hard for me. I am "rated" as having a large vocabulary. I think that is a natural reaction to wanting to be understood, feercely so.



I couldnt agree more, Wheel. I am much the same way.

AG...Does it help to think of yourself as the creative, big picture person in your relationship?

You know, it often takes both a "head in the clouds" person and a "feet on the ground" person to make a successful team.

Neither one is more valuable and if you can get past the "you're not the boss of me" stuff then the whole will likely be greater than the sum of the parts.

I am the creative one in the relationship...he is very much the one that has both feet on the ground...and we do make a good team...whether we are playing paintball, or rapelling...we make a good team...

there is NOTHING I hate more than when I use a word in the wrong context and he corrects me...he says he doesnt want me to sound like and idiot...I feel like that is nagging...Thats usually when I stop my conversation and not say another word.

But we must be doing something right...as of march 1 we will have been together 3 years...its just the work to define the relationship...know what I mean...

He works with my ADD...but sometimes...I could beat him! *not literally* like I think I wrote...we had to move the hamper from where it was to a better location so that my clothes would get into it...needless to say my clothes have made it into the hamper for about 2-3 weeks in a row! I'm not very domestic...but trying to keep things clean...every night or every other I try to make sure dishes are done...most of the time he does them...HE does laundry...but its my job to put it away...sometimes it gets done...sometimes it doesnt...I'm working on it...he doesnt complain about my short comings...however, every now and then it will come up in joking conversation-the problem is is that it is in from of his mother...who I would rather not know that I live in organized chaos...OR my ritalin levels will be low...I'll get hungry and then have to wait until he gets off his butt so we can go eat-if its around meal time...one day I could have sworn that I heard him say under his breath to "stop being a B#$%CH" When confronted about it he denied it but also on my part maybe it was wrong for me to loudly state that if I dont eat something I was going to gouge out his eyeballs...sometimes unless I'm blunt I dont get fed so yes...I get B@#$%^CHY...Now I just tell him to feed me before I get that way...we even carry snacks with us incase of emergencies...talk about life changes...
And then there is buying a new car..he thinks that I should get a used one...I want something fairly new...*rolling my eyes*

FG
what do you mean by getting past the "you're not the boss of me stuff????"
Explain please

I just meant the part about you saying that he treats you kind of like your dad might, in authoritarian way. Just don't think of it like that.

Try to take the nagging more as a practical suggestion, not a command. Just let him know that that's what you you'll be trying out for a while. Who knows? Maybe that's what he's been trying to convey all along.

Your creative, spontanious "role" in the relationship is just as valuable as his pragmatic one. Neither one is better. They are complimentary styles. I probably don't have to tell you that, as you've no doubt seen plenty of evedence of it during your three years. I'll bet if you asked him, that's a big part of what he likes about you and he'd be rather bored if you suddenly became overly sensible.

One thing bothered me about the correcting of your vocabulary. Does he do in front of other people? If not, I wouldn't worry about it, take it for what he says it is. You'd be pretty mad if he let you go with a big piece of spinach in your teeth, right? It sounds like it is approximately the same thing. Perhaps it is the tone he uses to correct you. That would be something easy to fix. That, along with you taking it for what it (maybe) is would go far toward resolving that problem.

If he does correct you in front of other people, well, I think that is plain mean and condescending.

That makes sense.
He did mention once that he likes that we do stuff...we do compliment each other...He doesnt correct me ifo people...which is good b/c then we would really have some serious issues. Other than that...I need to ponder a bit..digest if you will
More later!

AG,
Adding more of my .02. I guess I would consider it nagging if it happened quite frequently. If it is only here and there it is probably meant to be helpful. Also you maybe more aware since he mentioned it to you. I do often feel when my wife is correcting me she is treating me like a child. I really hate that and it makes me not to inclined to change the behavior. she does not do it around friends.

he doesnt do his correcting thing ifo other people..it just really annoys me...Its good to know I'm not the only one that deals with this...but he has a tendancy to "not get" add or what goes along with it...or research it to at least have a clue...he just says he's "learned how to use my add to work for us and not against us." but hearing him say "no no no we need to do this right now" gets old...after all I'm not 5 any more

I do not want to step on toes, so if I am just tell me to bug off. I guess my question would be as he learned how to use your ADD to work for him or to work for the both of you. I think also that if he has learned how to make it work is he discussing this with you? Are his insights helping you find your ADD strengths? I don't think he should be using your ADD to conform you into the person he wants you to be. I know my wife at times tries to change me into the person she wants me to be and not the person I am. Right now we are trying to find my ADD strenths. Remember part of ADD is thinking outside the box. I have been trying to change to please my wife. I need to change some things but not everything.

I think I posted this somewhere else, but I haven't a clue how to find it...

I had to TRAIN my office assistant to tell me:

"David, (eye contact) it is time for lunch." And make sure only that she had the impression I was "really there."

Not "it is lunch time." What would that have to do with me?

It was not her job to MAKE me go to lunch.

ADHD makes things not occur to me. For that problem all I need is someone to "bring it up for me." It remains my adult job to "make the choice" of what to do.

I had to develop a behavior mod program for her! i had to reward her for bringing it up, not for making me go to lunch. The later was none of her business, thank you very much.

I also had to figure out that I needed to know what it was time for, not what time it was.

I also learned to be a sheep. When she went to lunch, If I decided to go to lunch, i went when she went, regardless of other things, because if I didn't, I didn't go. I had to learn about my vulnerabilities and separate myself from them using environmental means.

I exercised NO self control, but through employing another, and some rules and environmental cues, i could chose my outcomes anyway.


So I think it matters completely whether you two work as a team or whether he manipulates you independent of your interests, as to whether it is a legitimate relationship or not. IMHO

we work together well as a team...but as he says with ADD I have this tendency to "change the rules" (who knows maybe its add maybe its just being female) but in any case...I'll see if I can work that it...maybe it will work well...sounds like it did for you...
As for our interests-we do everything together-except a couple of things. One day I had to really list all the things that we did together and things I do with out him b/c I suddenly paniced that we were becoming the same person...and low and behold-we aren't there are some things I like to do that he doesnt. He doesnt hold me from doing those things and actually cheers me on...like if I'm fighting with myself to go to the gym he will (in a joking manner) say "go to the gym-otherwise you'll be miserable that you didnt." and then I realize he'sright and go to the gym-he has also noticed-if I work out my ADD is more under control...why is that?

Exercise stresses the systems and GENERATES REAL Adrenaline... your nose will clear too if it is stuffy...

but it (decongestant effect) may only last in peak effect for 20 minutes.

The impact on ADHD seems to also include a RESETING effect. This has been observed, but not scientifically traced and documented to my knowledge.

Wheel1975
Thanks! That makes a lot of sense. for some reason I seem relaxed after but it feels great...even if it does last for 20 minutes!
Thanks for the insight!

I always feel especially good after a workout. In fact, after I have been doing it for a while my body aches for the activity the way your belly aches for food when you skip too many meals. I don't mean like the normal antsyness either I mean... I am not sure I can even articulate it.

E-boy...
it gets my "antsyness" out too. I'm slowly getting back to where I used to be in my work outs and it isnt easy...but its worth it...it seems to work well for my relationship too...