I'm new to these forums...I have had ADD all my life and have known about it, although I have not been formally diagnosed until recently.

The brief version of my story....
I've struggled with ADD all my life (I'm 29 now) and since I have not dealt with it in any meaningful way it is affecting every aspect of my life in detrimental ways, and it just keeps getting worse. I am doing a master's degree and I am behind in that, I am at serious risk of losing my job and I don't feel I can tell anyone about my ADD, and to make things worse, I have no friends here and my boyfriend whom I have lived with for almost three years does not believe in ADD.

We have never really discussed it and it is about time I do that or our relationship will end without me trying to save it. We love each other and get along great but the more time passes, the harder it is to discuss things and the little problems caused by my ADD and his ignorance are building up fast. I have seen the many funny and witty things people say to non-believers that are strangers or mere aquaintances but that doesn't help here.

My question...
How do you discuss ADD with your partner? and how do you deal with it when they don't believe in it? I don't neccessarily need to convince him that ADD is real but need him to accept that I have a condition that needs to be dealt with. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I can answer any questions you may have that will help you respond but I am at work right now and don't have time to elaborate more until later

Hello and welcome.:) I too have just started my journey to put my life back on the right path. I am 26 and I just recently went to the doctor for my ADD. Before I went I was researching online ADD and I told my husband I thought I had it. I was expecting him to say I was just lazy but to my amazment he said he has always known I had it and I should get treated. He said he has always believed that it was made up like he thinks the same way of anorexia or bulimia(which I don't think are made up)He said if anyone had it it was me. I was so glad I had his support.

You should see if your Boyfriend will read some articles on it or you take a test for it online and print the answers and show them to him. When he sees that it is regarded as real disorder by many doctors and that you fit those symtoms he might change his mind. If he doesn't have ADD he can't understand how you feel or what you have had to go through your entire life. Tell him you need treament or you could lose your job or fail in school.My husband definatly doesn't want me loosing my job...or anything else. Tell him it is really important to you and you guys should talk it over. Hopefully you can get him to see things from your point of view. Good luck

Pretty invalidating comments toward your health problem. Is he insensitive about other things concerning your health and emotional wellbeing?

ADHD is a proven neurological disorder.

I say kick his &*^ to the curb and find someone who supports you. :X

Life is way (WAY) to short for being treated like that by some smartie pants.

See: When you let him away with this boundary violation (disrespect and disbelief and trivializing and minimizing your suffering), it lets him know that it is okay to keep pushing the envelope with your boundary rights and lets him chip away at your dignity bit by bit.

Every day we teach others how to treat us.

You deserve respect and caring behaviour.

Tell him you don't believe in Diabetes, or dyslexia, or cancer...

Chances are he'll look at you like you're nuts. When he does just tell him that there is as much evidence of ADHD's existence as there is for those diseases. You might also mention the genetics work that's identified two (so far) of the suspected hundreds of gene variants involved in ADD, and that those known genes have a known affect on the central nervous system.

Ask him what he bases this belief on. If it's not neurological, or psychiatric/psychological material (IE the actual science behind the diagnosis) and is instead newspaper reports, then I'd question whether it's a matter of him 'not believing in it' or if it's really 'not wanting to believe in it'.

If someone is so callous as to simply second guess the vast majority of the american medical community on the validity of an ailment, particularly when they bring no expertise of their own to the table, I'd be more than a little suspicious about their logic.

Fact: Being around negative people, who explicitly or implicitly put you down will make it much harder to successfully manage your symptoms and adapt and succeed in life.

Fact: If he's not even willing to entertain the idea that he might be wrong, then he is basically suggesting that you have full control of the undesirable symptoms/behaviors that go with ADHD, and simply don't care enough to stop them. That's a pretty harsh slap in the face, don't you think?

I would make sure he knows just how unreasonable you feel he is being. I don't want to encourage an ultimatum here, but I can tell you from past experience of my own, living with someone that negative about your ADD makes things ten times more difficult. It's up to you whether or not you're willing to put up with that, but I will tell you that when I got the negative person out of my life, my work performance, and general outlook got ten times better. Sure I'm lonely a lot of the time, but I am taking care of and liking myself. I'd rather be with someone who doesn't view me as a chore to be around anyway. I've worked too hard for too long to allow someone else to influence my self worth that negatively again.

Sorry, I let myself get a bit angry over this... Really struck a nerve though, cuz I've been there. Man this guy sounds seriously passive agressive.

[/QUOTE]Fact: If he's not even willing to entertain the idea that he might be wrong, then he is basically suggesting that you have full control of the undesirable symptoms/behaviors that go with ADHD, and simply don't care enough to stop them. That's a pretty harsh slap in the face, don't you think?
[/QUOTE]

This is exactly the impression that I get from him, that I can stop being like this just by wanting to do it. We are all here becasue that just isn't true!

Your second post is funny, because he accuses me of being passive-aggresive all the time. I guess he is just trying to pin it on me so I don't recognize it in him!

I have never had a good long conversation about this with him because everytime I mention one small thing like "I went to see the psychologist today" he automatically says "I don't think you need to see one". I am in the very early stages of treatment so although I have started to change my internal outlook on things I have not had much outward improvement yet. He can be stubborn about a lot of things and I am hoping this ignorance is due to his lack of knowledge in the area. Maybe if he knew a bit more about it and how much it affects me he will be more supportive, if not I know where the door is, but I have to try first.

So, my plan is to write all of this down and give him a letter to read. That way he can't throw underhanded remarks frustrating me and making me forget half the stuff I wanted to say and interrupt me before I can get out everything I want to say.

Which leads me to another question...
Does anyone know of a good simple fact sheet or information page on ADD that explains the basics in a way someone without ADD can understand? Or even any good scientific articles that you;ve read? Everything I read I automatically go "ya, I totally get that" but for someone who doesn't have it (whether they believe in it or not) would have a much harder time understanding the condition.

Thanks for all the responses, it sure is nice having other people to talk to that understand all this craziness! and by the way, I have always enjoyed how different and I am, just not when it affects my life in a bad way :)

Tell him you don't believe in Diabetes, or dyslexia, or cancer...

Chances are he'll look at you like you're nuts. When he does just tell him that there is as much evidence of ADHD's existence as there is for those diseases. You might also mention the genetics work that's identified two (so far) of the suspected hundreds of gene variants involved in ADD, and that those known genes have a known affect on the central nervous system.

Ask him what he bases this belief on. If it's not neurological, or psychiatric/psychological material (IE the actual science behind the diagnosis) and is instead newspaper reports, then I'd question whether it's a matter of him 'not believing in it' or if it's really 'not wanting to believe in it'.

If someone is so callous as to simply second guess the vast majority of the american medical community on the validity of an ailment, particularly when they bring no expertise of their own to the table, I'd be more than a little suspicious about their logic.

Fact: Being around negative people, who explicitly or implicitly put you down will make it much harder to successfully manage your symptoms and adapt and succeed in life.

Fact: If he's not even willing to entertain the idea that he might be wrong, then he is basically suggesting that you have full control of the undesirable symptoms/behaviors that go with ADHD, and simply don't care enough to stop them. That's a pretty harsh slap in the face, don't you think?

I would make sure he knows just how unreasonable you feel he is being. I don't want to encourage an ultimatum here, but I can tell you from past experience of my own, living with someone that negative about your ADD makes things ten times more difficult. It's up to you whether or not you're willing to put up with that, but I will tell you that when I got the negative person out of my life, my work performance, and general outlook got ten times better. Sure I'm lonely a lot of the time, but I am taking care of and liking myself. I'd rather be with someone who doesn't view me as a chore to be around anyway. I've worked too hard for too long to allow someone else to influence my self worth that negatively again.
there are a lot of people out there that have a hard time believing in things such as ADHD. to them it is just an ather excuse to behavior that is deemed socially unexeptable. thel biggest answer to them is not to engage in arguments, but to quietly educate. that to me is the biggest reason for any fear or prejudice, ignorance. When some learn the truth then their opinons may change for the better.

I go through the same thing...if it helps, I think it's a "man thing." ADD is something he can't fix by giving you advice, so he doesn't want to think you have it. I guess the key is making him understand that the closest thing to fixing it for you that he can do is learn about it and accept it. (Note to self.)

Tell him you don't believe in Diabetes, or dyslexia, or cancer...

Chances are he'll look at you like you're nuts. When he does just tell him that there is as much evidence of ADHD's existence as there is for those diseases. I'm not so sure of this. While I believe ADD is a disorder I'm not quite sure about it being a disease and I don't know about there being more evidence for ADD compared to cancer...

ADD remains controversial and I think it will for quite a long time. There's not a whole lot of scientific research that shows exactly what ADD is and how the medications effect it. We have a basic understanding as far as I know and more research needs to be done.

If anyone has any information about what exactly ADD is and how exactly the medications help I'd love to read it to further my knowledge.


Some people will never believe in ADD and that's fine by me but I think we have to be careful of who we tell about it because some people can be very critical and always will be.

peace

My boyfriend doesn't believe in ADD either.....and what's worse he doesn't believe in any mental illness......my sister and I both have bipolar dosorder (it looks like I also have ADHD) and he refuses to believe that our brains function any differently than his does.....

He simply will tell me to just have a beer and snap out of it when I'm down, and he just thinks I'm a lot of fun when I'm up, until a certian point.....and he will then proceed to tell my how irresp'onsible and reckless I am for spending $5,000 at the mall, or losing my drivers license for going 129mph down a highway......and how I really need to get over it and grow up.......

He's seen my sister in a full blown manic state psychosis, and he proceeds to say casually....she really needs to grow up, and stop being such a baby....she's like that because she was spoiled and your parents didn't raise her right.....

Sadly I've been with him for twelve years.....why I really don't know....

Amythyst

I'm sorry but your man is an ignorant idiot...perhaps you should get single or find someone else who is more..how do I say it?....sensitive!! I personally would not waste my time or breath with dealing with a painful person like this man...I know you probably love him and all but really?

If you're wanting to keep this relationship then books on ADD which include proven research that it's in fact a real "condition" along with suggesting to him that you both go to a support group in your area or better still get your psych if you have one to speak to him one on one.

As for you not having friends...I know this can be hard but these forums are a good way to make friends too..

I also had an ex who was quiet ignorant and insensitive to my ADHD and the issues that came with it.

Good Luck
Selena:)
I'm new to these forums...I have had ADD all my life and have known about it, although I have not been formally diagnosed until recently.

The brief version of my story....
I've struggled with ADD all my life (I'm 29 now) and since I have not dealt with it in any meaningful way it is affecting every aspect of my life in detrimental ways, and it just keeps getting worse. I am doing a master's degree and I am behind in that, I am at serious risk of losing my job and I don't feel I can tell anyone about my ADD, and to make things worse, I have no friends here and my boyfriend whom I have lived with for almost three years does not believe in ADD.

We have never really discussed it and it is about time I do that or our relationship will end without me trying to save it. We love each other and get along great but the more time passes, the harder it is to discuss things and the little problems caused by my ADD and his ignorance are building up fast. I have seen the many funny and witty things people say to non-believers that are strangers or mere aquaintances but that doesn't help here.

My question...
How do you discuss ADD with your partner? and how do you deal with it when they don't believe in it? I don't neccessarily need to convince him that ADD is real but need him to accept that I have a condition that needs to be dealt with. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I can answer any questions you may have that will help you respond but I am at work right now and don't have time to elaborate more until later

I'm not so sure of this. While I believe ADD is a disorder I'm not quite sure about it being a disease and I don't know about there being more evidence for ADD compared to cancer...

True, ADHD is not an illness nor a disease.

Then again, ADHD is plainly visible anmd harmful to the individual from the start, whereas cancer can slide by the radar for a long time, possibly until its too late.

For that matter, peoples all over the planet believe in one god or another that they cannot prove beyond any doubt to be real.

The point is this: nobody would deny that cancer is real...and to those of us with ADHD its patently insulting for a NT or anyone to claim its not real.

I tell people like this that clearly their intellect is not real, either, but that's just me :D.

Come back soon, E-boy, I really miss your style of posting!

I agree with Crazy~Feet...ADHD is NOT a disease and I'd take offense to anyone who described it as a disease or illness as I don't consider myself to be diseased or ill.

I'd much rather view ADHD as a "difference" because differences can be a good thing or a different style of learning and there's nothing wrong with that either!

Selena:cool:

I don't think ADD is an illness or a disease, I look at it as a genetic difference that makes me have a different way of processing and interacting with my environment.

There are upsides and downsides, I like the way my brain works, however I know that I do not "fit" into the modern world very well.....which has resulted in depression over many years.

now...as I research further the more convinced I become that I have something ADD like.....and as my partner tells her closest friends the more she is told about the "symptoms" their friends friends ADHD children have...which, of course are different to mine. Plus add to the mox the genetic element which may mean one or both of our children have inherited the ADD gene(s) and an element of denial encroaches on my partners attitude.

re: 14

I don't think ADD is genetic. Certainly not in all people. :)

Billions of dollars in research have gone into finding the elusive schizophrenia gene and cancer genes (oncogene) too.

In schizophrenia, having two schizophrenic parents still only gives a 33% risk of developing the disorder.

We just can't admit as humans, that the environment (in various ways such as social risk factors and environmental risk factors and prenatal/early life factors) is the pivotal risk factor for triggering pathological processes.

------

Glad to hear you don't "pathologize" ADD though.

My partner, who is apparently not ADD, often exhibits worse symptoms than I do.

There are benefits like creative thinking, and spontanaeity, etc.

The genetics involved are likely to be statistically complex as it is likely that more than one gene is involved, plus we must remember that we are looking at the outward symptoms of the most complex system we know in the universe.

The ability of one person to successfully cope with the limitations of their brain function within the environment they engineer for themselves does not mean that in a different situation where they have less control they will be as successful.

From my reading of this set of boards it is interesting to note that many posters have issues when they are unable to adjust their lives to suit their undoubted strengths and are instead forced into situations where their weaknesses are most exposed and they cannot put inplace coping strategies to strengthen their hand.

Thus environment will play an very high part in those that present with problematical ADD symptoms, but this does not negate the fact that there is almost certainly a genetic predisposition that makes the brain function in the ways described so poignantly on this board.

This also makes it more difficult for those affected to defend themselves against those who deny the significance of the symptoms in others and makes communication and empathy between ADD+ individuals and ADD- people problematic.

My brain is my own, for better or for worse, I can change the way I react to stimuli but I cannot change my brain...I was born with it...and I live with it every day, so I know it pretty well. I do not try to change other peoples brains when they have behaviours I find difficult to understand. Likewise I will support them to find ways they can live fulfilling and happy lives in an environment they feel at home in. i wish others would do the same for me and not force me into living and working in a hamsterwheel of insignificance.

Really well said scotsman I couldn't agree more.

I don't like to blame the people who don't 'understand' ADD because I once didn't understand it myself and it would be even harder if the person doesn't have ADD in the first place.

Hello,

I haven't see the OP here in a while (Amethyst?), but she asked about a fact sheet, or something with adult symptoms of ADHD that was in layman's terms, to better help her BF understand her diagnosis - so here goes:

The Learning Disabilities Association of Canada ("][/url]What are the signs and symptoms of adult ADD / ADHD?

ADD / ADHD in adults can seriously impair work, finances, and relationships. Adults with ADD / ADHD may have the following symptoms of inattention and hyperactivity / impulsivity:


not remembering being told something,
"zoning out" in conversations,
being late or forgetting to show up when expected,
speaking without thinking,


pressured rapid-fire speech, seemingly random, and aimless hopping from one topic to the next,
perceived as aloof and arrogant, or tiresomely talkative and boorish,
compulsive joking, often about personal life history and feelings,


easily frustrated or bored,
leaving a mess,


procrastination (difficulty starting tasks),
incompletions (starting tasks, household projects, or book reading, but not completing them before new projects or new books are begun, leaving a never-ending to-do list),


underestimating the time needed to finish a task,


insecurity and self-esteem issues because of unmet high personal expectations, and
often a high achiever, even an overachiever, but with poor self-image because of beliefs that more could be accomplished if not for disorganization.
(Sources: Scattered[/i] (http://www.scatteredminds.com/)), and Hallowell and Ratey (authors of Driven to Distraction (http://www.drhallowell.com/store/driven.html)))

[url=""]How is adult ADD / ADHD different from childhood ADD / ADHD?

As someone with ADD / ADHD develops from a child into a teenager and then into an adult, the symptoms of ADD / ADHD look different. Often the hyperactivity of childhood evolves into more impulsive behaviors. And executive function (self-regulation) impairment takes the forefront as the individual copes with the complexity of life.

Hyperactivity may appear as:


uncontrolled arousal,
feeling overwhelmed, and
talking excessively.
Impulsiveness may look like:


irritability,
quick anger,
inadequate censorship of rude or insulting thoughts, and
poor timing in interactions.
Inattentiveness may show itself as:


unwilled tuning-out,
the inability to focus on mundane tasks, and
the tendency to hyperfocus on interesting tasks.
While adults with ADHD may often have great difficulty maintaining attention, those same individuals might be able to focus with great intensity and for long periods on tasks or projects that hold interest for them—even compulsively engaged in the activity for long hours and with lack of awareness of the time or of other responsibilities. Because of this ability to “hyperfocus” and the potential for significant related accomplishments, some adults with ADD-like behaviors (such as Da Vinci, Einstein, and Churchill) are highly successful doctors, lawyers, teachers, athletes, scientists, politicians, and artists.

I am not sure if this is what you are looking for - but hopefully it will help him to understand you better. I can certainly relate to the inattentive symptoms...

At Heart