Shame on me...wish I could quit.

If I didn't have to pretend so much just to get by, then everyone would be disappointed in me.

I've basically dropped out of college and my parents are freaking out. Going through the whole "what we expect from you" thing, while shouting out a list of things I haven't done and rounding off the things that I have.

I'm a pathological promise maker; not a keeper and so shame on me...Truth is, i cannot bear dissappointment in myself. I just feel like everything is wrong with me and i cannot control it. I feel stupid. I'm pleading guity to a hopeless verdict and i just want to quit.

Can I do anything right!? The more things I have on my plate the more I become incredabily stressed out and I'd prefer not having to say goodmorning and goodnight to, and live in this stress daily. It's that thing with time.

Well, I am ashamed but I cannot quit for better or for worse. I need help. I am 17 and im to easy to roll over, im to easy to reck.

I want to know of anything from anyone that has helped with the many angles of ADHD/ADD.

Feel free to share your shame. Maybe we can learn something...

~Ali

Shame on me...wish I could quit.

If I didn't have to pretend so much just to get by, then everyone would be disappointed in me.

I've basically dropped out of college and my parents are freaking out. Going through the whole "what we expect from you" thing, while shouting out a list of things I haven't done and rounding off the things that I have. ~AliI have been disappointing my parents for 53 years! And I have a college degree and an MS degree! They will go to their graves dissapointed in me. :rolleyes:

Guess what, it's not me, it's them! But the guilt and shame are so hard to bear. I have felt my entire life that I have to pretend to be someone else. Lately, I don't have enough energy to pretend any more.

My ADHD is related to bipolar disorder, and probably more "mild" than some of the cases on this forum. But does it screw up my life? Abso-friqqin'-lutely!

After searching for the answer to the question "What is wrong with me?" for 30 years I finally have a diagnosis (as of Feb 19) of bipolar II, inattentive ADHD and Generalized anxiety disorder.

Have you been formally diagnosed? Do you take any meds?

Pick up a book or two-- Hallowell and Ratey's "Driven to Distraction" and "Delivered from Distraction" are classics. For your parents, Dr. Amen's "Healing ADD" might be good because there are lots of pictures. It' hard to argue with a picture of scientific proof of ADHD. He has a good website as well-- amenclinics.com

There is also a book out there called "You Mean I'm Not Crazy, Lazy, Or Stupid?" which might be helpful. I haven't read this one yet myself.

Here are some short videos that I love:

http://www.drthomasebrown.com/resources/index.html (http://www.drthomasebrown.com/resources/index.html) your parents might also learn something.

I am sure my daughter who is 20 also has inattentive ADHD. She will be going for testing and diagnosis soon. She got an "F" on a Human Biology test this week, which has her freaked out. She has done OK in school but only because she works so hard. She is also profoundly hearing impaired, so she is under a lot of stress. I would never lecture her though. She studied her butt off, so no amount of yelling will make anything better. So know this, you can be a better parent than your parents were.

There is a path for you too, you just have to discover it. It is easier if you have supportive people around you. In my case, I have a few really good friends and this forum has been a lifesaver. There is a teen section as well, you should check that out. Good luck sweetie! ;) :)

Well Dear....you are in the right place then. I don't know to many of us, especially those who have been diagnosed later in life, that haven't and still do feel the same way. I don't know if just knowing you are not alone will help. But we do understand, and that is a big part of why this forum is here.


Please read....through the threads...you will see it's common. Check out the sticky's provided for good reading materials that will help you understand and help you set up some game plans, and small goals to help you start accomplishing some things, even if it's baby steps at first, so you can build up your self-esteem. Try the section on peer coaching as well, maybe a buddy coach can help. There are sticky's provided for Live / online support groups.

Here are some of the threads or sections that might be useful, if you haven't been over there yet!

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16042 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16042) Books Women & ADD

http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=86 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=86) Teens & Young Adults



http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=5 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=5) ADD Diagnoses & Management



http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=313 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=313) Peer Group/Coaching





..

{{{{{ HUGS }}}}} You are not alone, and take if from me, someone who used to struggle with the same issues, you can come out on the other side and become successful !


Hope

I'm sorry your feeling like a disappointment right now -- I know how much that hurts -- been there and done that. Achievements don't make that feeling go away -- I was a parents dream child academically in college, but I still felt like a disappointment, because I'm so frequently on an emotional rollercoaster whereas my adopted parents are very stable and even.

The things that have helped me the most are exercise, learning about how ADHD impacts my life, spending time with folks who value me for me, doing for others (it takes my focus off me), and time spent with God.

You can succeed -- it may not look like what your parent's definition of success is however. Find what you love and go after that!

Take gentle care,
Scattered

Thanks jeaniebug, justhope and scattered for your help, support and replies. It does help knowing that you arn' t alone. I was in a madbad mood last night but im over it (for now). Now im thinking...just call me shameless!
This site is informative, the links are great! I think i'll tell my parents about it; contemplating it.

JeanieBug -- I feel for your daughter :(, but admire your parental attitude :). Lucky her.

Yes, I have been formally dx and I take AdderallXR.

Thanks,

~Ali

Thanks jeaniebug, justhope and scattered for your help, support and replies. It does help knowing that you arn' t alone. I was in a madbad mood last night but im over it (for now). Now im thinking...just call me shameless!
This site is informative, the links are great! I think i'll tell my parents about it; contemplating it.

JeanieBug -- I feel for your daughter :(, but admire your parental attitude :). Lucky her.

Yes, I have been formally dx and I take AdderallXR.

Thanks,

~Ali
I read your original note and you mentioned the word "shame". This word has haunted me for a while. I recently read a book called "What to say when you talk to yourself". It is along the lines of motivational.

I mention it because. When you say things about yourself as you did here, you start to believe it and manifest it. Be careful of the mean things you say about yourself.

The book I mentioned has changed the way I think about my self talk and how important it is to keep it good.

Your mothers and anyone else can soon become the the inner voice that drive the way you think, feel and live.

I wish all the best. Remember our creator doesn't make junk.

Another great book is "ADD and Creativity".

Regards

I read your original note and you mentioned the word "shame". This word has haunted me for a while. I recently read a book called "What to say when you talk to yourself". It is along the lines of motivational.

The book I mentioned has changed the way I think about my self talk and how important it is to keep it good.

Regards
I have read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, and it was very good. Another good title along those lines is Mind Lines by Michael Hall and Beyond Negative Thinking by Joseph T. Rartorano, and John P. Kildahl. Both are excellent reads and helped me to deal with a lot of my emotional problems. Best of luck to you!

All this reads like my own history! I'm 45; sort of have it together in some ways, and scattered and disorganized in others. At 17, you're down on yourself for not knowing what you want to do? I'm in awe that some people can summon direction at that age.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, if I could talk to 17-year-old me, I'd say "Pick a thing and do it. Don't wait for some path to have meaning for you before you choose it. Life gathers meaning from commitments you make; to people, to causes, to learning.... whatever. DO something and learn from it who you are, rather than waiting to see who you are before you commit". I spent a lot of my youth waiting to see "What It All Meant", as if the knowledge would materialize somehow if I just waited long enough. Felt lost for a long time. Finally, at the age of 31, after my second child, I overcame my ambivalence, fear, inertia - whatever else was holding me back - and went to college, fueled by an adrenaline surge of frustration and some anger at my situation... I have a good career now that gives me satisfaction mentally, socially, spiritually, and emotionally - not always, but mostly - and pays well.

My point is, success in life takes many forms; my daughter is studying languages, and traveling to exotic places, and is making plans to teach English in other lands, a very footloose lifestyle, and she was feeling a bit insubstantial and unaccomplished next to her friends who right now have been in jobs for years and are making big bucks and have expensive houses and cars, etc... and she's still a struggling student. I say, what makes that sort of accumulation of material count in our minds as "real life", and all the other wonderful and fascinating and rewarding things a person might do, seem like playing you do until you're ready to settle down and start real life, and the accumulation?

My daughter and her cousins all feel they are overwhelmed by soooo many possibilities that are open to them; it's so hard to choose a path among so many, and you're afraid of pick "the wrong one". There's a saying, "there is no right decision. Just make a decision and make it the right one".

You have so much ahead of you, and you have so many directions you can go; close you eyes and pick one, and start doing it; you may change course down the road, but you'll be smarter and stronger and wiser, and it may surprise you what knowledge you can take from one field to another and connect.

You are full of possibilities. Just grab one of 'em and try it on! It's not about other people's expectations. And shame about broken promises; well, sometimes shame gets a bad rap. Listen to that feeling; what is it telling you? It's telling you that the thing you're doing is not GOOD FOR YOU! Shame is not useful if you just sit around feeling bad. Turn it into adrenaline, anger, whatever... find a way to let it drive you OUT, not inward. Be angry; use it. You have special things to offer the world, but you have to work and dig in and pull it out of yourself. It took me far too long to learn that. I look back now and see all the opportunities I never saw before, and I wonder who I might have been if I'd taken those paths; not with regret, just now I see that I oculd have been many things, and who I am is who I've made myself, by choosing things and by choosing to make no choice and just lettingtihngs happen; know that even making "no choice" is making a choice.

Life gathers meaning from commitments you make; to people, to causes, to learning.... whatever. DO something and learn from it who you are, rather than waiting to see who you are before you commit".
I can't agree more. If you talk to seniors who are up in years about what they wish they had done differant if they could they say basically " I would've taken more chances and enjoyed the journey more"

My point is, success in life takes many forms; my daughter is studying languages, and traveling to exotic places, and is making plans to teach English in other lands, a very footloose lifestyle, and she was feeling a bit insubstantial and unaccomplished next to her friends who right now have been in jobs for years and are making big bucks and have expensive houses and cars, etc..
Society say's you are nothing unless you have money, a fancy job, expensive things, are skinny, have good looks, and in general, keep up with the jones's. So what are you when you don't have these things or possibly lose one or two of them?[/quote]
First we want our own identity (kindergarten -early grade school).

Then we want to be like everyone else (grade school- early high school)

Then we want to have our own identity (late high school)

Then the world hits hard and we lose who we are until we can identify with the jones's and what society wants us to do and be.

Late 30's and 40's hit and we strive for who we really are regardless of the world.

it's so hard to choose a path among so many, and you're afraid of pick "the wrong one". There's a saying, "there is no right decision. Just make a decision and make it the right one".

I know a few people that try to keep up with the Jones's, and they are miserable.
I'm glad I'm not one of them.
I have 20yr old carpet in my house, I have a Saturn Vue, not a Lexus RS300, and I wear clothes that come from Target, not Brooks Brothers.
I don't have to be one of those thankfully.
Sure having money would be nice, and we are slowly keeping more than we spend, but it's not our obsession.
Our obsession is living life our way, that's it.
Being successful is what you make it, plain and simple.
We would like to move to another city besides Memphis, because of the violent crimes.
If we can, great, if not, we aren't going to hang our head low and say we failed.
You recognize you have ADD, and you are learning to deal with it, which is the first step to being successful, no matter how you define it.
You are still young, and have a whole life in front of you.
There are plenty of resources out to help you find out how to live with your ADD, and how to harness it.
When I was a kid, the info wasn't there.
I just got on ritalin and dealt with life.
Making promises and letting people down are part of being young, and having ADD.
Make lists, cross off the items as you do them (promises), and start that way.
I've done it for years, and without a list, I'd forget a whole lot of things.