Eight months into ADD treatment I'm trying to build up a social network and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm 29 and I feel like it's too late to get it together in this area!

Okay, I guess I could be trying a little harder, but I'm discouraged. My goal is to find a little group of friends who get along with each other so I don't have to do everything in a pair either with my husband or with one girlfriend. I always had a couple of really close friends I totally trusted, but we never operated as a group. When they met each other, more often than not they wouldn't get along at all and then there was no possibility of everyone forming a bigger group. It seems like it shouldn't be this hard!

I have a small friend base to begin with.... During my undiagnosed time I worked through a lot of things- weight issues, not understanding how to dress, how to make conversation with new people, and too scattered to keep regular contact with people so we could get close. Now I've grown up emotionally, lost weight so I have a great figure, learned to dress and wear makeup so I have my own style, and learned a little about how people perceive me so I can find topics that interest other people and keep the conversation going. People who knew me back in my hometown don't even recognize me anymore, but that just makes it harder to find where I fit in!

I move around every few years for work, so it's like hitting reset all the time. This time I've just about given up. I've been in the same place for two years but I've hardly even bothered to make friends here.

I was almost okay with that until I started medicine a few months ago. I got organized at home and at work. For the first time I can't use those problems as an excuse for not being social... and I'm so bored with having no people around me.

I tried joining a sports club-- fun, but that group doesn't hang out together outside of competitions.

At this point the major thing standing in my way is I'm so ashamed at having no friends, it's hard to invite someone out to do something. Once they start talking to me, they'll realize I have no one else to contribute to THEIR social circle. Besides, it's more pressure to spend a lot of one-on-one time. It would be easier to go out in a small group, but then, how do I get there from here?

Anyone have advice or even some calming words?

Are you a member of--or have you thought about joining a church? Most well organized and active churches have suday school, bible study, or simply social groups. It should be very easy to find a group of other women that you can relate to. I know our church has a lot of groups to promote relationships outside of the typical church hours.

If you aren't a religious person sit down and think about what things that are unique about you that other people may share. For example, are you a mom? Do you like to scrap book? Do you have a dog? Were you a girl scout? Then look through the internet to see if there are any local groups in your area. In other words, find something in common and then go join that group. Your shared interest will help you fit into the group. Remember, they don't know the old you and only care about the you that they meet.

Miriam,

I agree with HardyHar. I have been to some amazing bible study groups where we learned more about the geography of the area where Jesus travelled, I have been in a divorce care group where we watch a video and then spend about an hour in a small group setting.

I also love group therapy. If you can afford it, and have the right group, it is amazing the healing energy you will find. Plus you get to know other people who have shame and depression in their lives. You share at such a deep level, you get to know people faster and more deeply than in any other setting.

So check for adult sunday school classes, bible groups, or try to find a therapist who does group therapy. Hallowell and Ratey "Delivered from Distraction" talk about the power of group therapy for ADHD patients.

Don't give up! I made many really close friends in my 30's and 40's. :) ;)

Hi Miriam
I know what its like.....I've moved around alot.....some places are OK, some are impossible, depends on the psychology of the neighbourhood and whether you are seen to "fit" with the people you meet first. Clubs and groups are the same.....don't despair if nothing happens..its their loss not yours and its not your fault.

There's no big secret....its all entirely random. I look for people with "open" faces, its difficult to describe but they'll talk back to me and not close a conversation down to small talk. These people are the ones who open doors into groups and clubs, they don't usually hang around cliquey ones and often are on the periphery of several different groups.

Its all in the eyes!

kilt

I used to have friends that I was close to, but as we got older, we grew apart, as life took us our separate ways.
Now I don't see them anymore.
But when something happens (like a death, financial problem, etc) we seek each other out to help, because we are friends for life.
I'm close to my sister, my brother in law (who is a good friend after 20 years), and a few people at work.
As for running around with people on the weekends, I'm too pooped to do anything, because of my current job.
So my friend is my wife.
Some friend, she's addicted to the internet.
I guess if I were to send her I'm's, I could get to know her better. :D
I've actually done that.
I've gotten on yahoo messenger to talk to her, and she's 3ft from me.
Just because...
If you have 1-2 good friends, consider yourself lucky IMHO.
As for a group, I agree with everyone else on this thread.
Church, or other groups you might find in your area via the internet.

Remember, they don't know the old you and only care about the you that they meet.

Thanks, HardyHar, that's a really helpful thing to remember.

I think part of what I need to do is get a thicker skin-- or more patience. I try not to be sensitive about someone who doesn't want to be my friend-- their loss of course. But I still fight the typical ADD impatience when I'm trying here and there to make friends and all my attempts keep dying out. I haven't quite gotten myself into that mentality where you just keep casting out your lines no matter what and eventually you'll start catching fish (i.e. finding friends :) ) Instead I try a few things, get really irritated when they don't take and start up another new solitary hobby to have more to do. It's counterproductive.

Miriam,

I'm glad my statement helped. You are on the right path in understanding that as a person dealing with ADD you need to "get a thicker skin -- AND more patience." These are both things that we all struggle with. I have had a hard time making friends as well and have learned by trial and error. In the past, if I felt even the slightest bit unaccepted by someone I would perceive it as rejection and immediately give up any attempt at exploring a friendship and have even gone to the point of purposefully rejecting that person. I guess it was a way to protect myself from that person potentially hurting me. Afterword, I always felt guilty when I would see that person would go to extra lengths to avoid me. I would just feel even more rejected and obsess about it.

Now, I have just 3-4 close friends, my wife being one of them, and I am very comfortable with that. I have other people that I would call friends but they aren't very close. I only really assiciate with them in certain settings; church, work, groups, or business. Those relationships have boundaries and plains that the relationships work well in. I like to keep those friendships in those areas and I don't always like for those to friendships to cross boundaries unless I really feel that my friendship with some is close enough to trust them with the other sides of my life. For example; I have friends at work that I really enjoy talking to but I would never invite them to my house for sunday dinner. I just don't feel close enough for that. On the other hand, I have built a friendship with another guy from my church and we have started meeting every Friday morning for breakfast. I feel like I can tell this guy just about anything and not feel that he is judging me.

There is nothing wrong with only having just a couple close friends and those friends can be relatives or a spouse or partner. It is also ok to have moderate or superficial friendships with people that are dictated to certain boundaries. You have to determine your own comfort level. In my own experience, I tend to worry to much about being accepted by other people. I don't stop to think about if I am willing to accept them. The only time I decide if I am not willing to accept them is if they do not IMMEDIATELY accept me. This is not healthy and I have learned over time that I do not have to be accepted by everyone. Also, they do not have to be willing to accept me right away. They may need some time to develop a trust and an understanding of commonality with us. Moving a casual or superficial friendship toward a close friendship takes a lot of time. It normally does not happen overnight. In the past, I have been very guilty of trying to push a friendship too quickly and it has scared people away. Now, I rest in the friends I have and I consider very closely who I want to be friends with. Do they have similar values and interests as me? How would that friendship change if I were to ask that person to come over for dinner? Is the relationship appropriate? As in; would my wife be upset if I invited a female co-worker that I know likes Sci-Fi movies (my wife hates them) to go see a movie with me? These things have to be considered but ultimately I have to decide who I want to be friends with and manage that process with a concern for their needs in minds.

Lastly, you have to try to look at yourself in a third-person view. Try to see yourself as someone else would if they did not know you. Is there some mannerism or personality trait that offends other people? I am not trying to get too personal here but I wonder what you are doing that does not work when seeking friends. Also, as you well know... people with ADD tend to hyperfocus on one thing while ignoring the other. In relationships we may hyperfocus on our own needs, wants, and desires, while ignoring those of other people. I tend to focus more on other peoples needs rather than my own. I have set myself up to be taken advantage of by other people in the past. I've learned and have to constantly remind myself to think about both sides of a relationship. What side do you tend to focus on? If people see you as self-centered then they will be less likely to want to become your friend. If this is true then make an effort to focus on their needs and empathize with them. Allow them to take control of the pace of the friendship and try not to see their signals to slow down the pace as a sign of rejection. On the flip side if you are too attentive to them they may see you as smothering and invading. They may reject you if try to become too intimate too fast. As ADD sufferers we walk a tight rope everyday around other people and it is difficult to walk that path when other people seem to move the rope.

MY CLOSEST FREIND IS ME....I HAVE SOME VERY CLOSE FREINDS AN SOME BEST FREINDS AS WELL,,, IAM ALLWAYS OPEN TO MAKEING NEW FREINDS SO IF YOU LIKE TO CHAT ANYTIME....OR JUST HANG SOMETIME,,,ONLINEWISE THEN YOU KNOW WERE IAM ,,,,DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPEY

DORM GOOD LUCK