Hi fourm.

My boyfriend of over a year has ADHD. Wow our relationship has been a ride. A fun one, except for recently. He is always doing or planning something - he has is calendar booked to the hour every day. And he is under a lot of stress.

I have started to learn more about ADHD and seen typical patterns left and right. It has helped me make more space for him and his upsets. For some reason, however, maybe due to me maybe not, he recently has had no space for his own upsets.

Anyway when he gets upset lately he gets *really* upset and there is no reaching him. It stresses him out so much. I know I probably set him off. And sometimes, less and less, I get upset back at him. Sometimes he says something that hurts my feelings and gets upset and me being upset. There is no end to this...

The thing is that I do love him. I have never been so happy with someone. I also have never been driven to such craziness but really think ADD is at play here with this upset cycle and with his stress. I am willing to start looking at this and working with him on this. It's not a bad thing in my eyes, but he seems unwilling to, he feels like I am just blaming him. I have also noticed his temper is out of control and suspect that Ritalin may be doing this - he was not always on it and was a much more peaceful man before taking it. He is hyperfocused on anything negative and gets extremely angry at the drop of a hat. He also is unwilling to look at this. We have been seeing a couples counselor for about 5 months and have not made much progress.

So he finally ended it with me. He said he just could not take the stress anymore and there was no hope. And I let him go. I am heartbroken, but I have a feeling he will try to make amends and get me back. He tends to do this and has done this in the past with his other relationships.

So my question if this happens, and it may not (which I am willing to live with), do I take him back? It seems like no matter how much we try he just gets more and more upset and stressed out. I don't want to break up, get back together, breakup. That is stressful to me.

Not sure what to do. Have any of you been there? Is it kinder to just let him go and ignore his impulse to get back together? I will always love him, but maybe I am not right for him. Scared he is going to call. Scared I will miss him so much I'll take him back and scared it may not be the right thing to do.

-Kitty :confused:

I think that if you are concerned about him, I'd let him know how you feel. The ritalin my be playing a small role in his "upsets". This is something that he would have to mention to the doctor about. If he is under a lot of stress, he will definatly need support from someone who cares. I think the best bet may be to at least talk to him, express your feelings and concerns and ask him how you two can progress from here...

Best of luck,
Andy...

The phrase "temper out of control" concerns me.


"Gets extremely angry at the drop of a hat".

My "antisocial personality disorder" or "intermittent explosive disorder" signs detector flags are going WAY up reading this.

I mean "extremely angry" AND explodes "with no warning" is very SCARY, isn't it?

You could get injured. ADHD can be an impulse control problem for some folks. No fun getting a coffee mug in the wall beside your head, etc. :S

You realize you could never have a child with this person, right? (e.g. a crying baby could put him over the edge: Let's see: an angry, explosive man with low impulse control and low frustration tolerance.)

Something tells me that you are questioning whether this guy's behavior is OK or not. The fact that you are considering a reconciliation concerns me.

-------------------

I once read that women (people) can confuse the excitement of love feelings with the excitement of fear feelings, being around such types of men.

Question: does he remind you of anyone from your past life experiences?

Not really. He is not violent, just yells a lot. I did not really grow up with childhood trauma so I do not think it is related to this. I guess I am worried about him, friends and myself have seen a noted difference in him since he has been on Ritalin.

Guess it is good to just stay away if he calls. Hard because I love him and I want to help him. Also think he is really good for me in many ways if we can work past the upsets. He is a kind, fun, smart, sweet man most of the time.

Hi kitty5
I can relate to your feelings. My add bf left me and told me not to hope either..and yes he would always try to make up and I always took him back. He hasn't come back--(ive posted another thread in relationships-when do you let him go--) But you have some hope?I think? Perhaps your therapist isn't the right person for you both? My ex didn't even give us that chance...I was willing to get thru this with him because i loved him (still do) and believed in our relationship-but he gave up. The choise is solely yours-but if you do take thim back--maybe try a new therapist ?

I"m sorry if I sounded harsh, but I'm really concerned for you emotional wellbeing and safety. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is trying to get out of a rel'p. :S

But -- one of the best predictors of violence is if she believes an ex-partner will become violent interpersonally. If you judge it to be safe, than it likely is. :)

I am concerned that you feel caring for this person perhaps somewhat out of Pity and not Love.

Simple, take him back if he gives up Ritalin -- I"d be grouchy too if I took the sh*ttiest drug on the face of the Earth, one giving a grand total of like 2 focussed hours per day with the rest being hours you're withdrawing or withdrawn from it.

Tell him you CAN'T take the anger, BUT you do love him, so UNLESS he's willing to give up Ritalin and either learn to cope with ADHD either in non-medicated fashion or on a terrific drug like Strattera, a 24 hour non-stimulant adhd medication, you can't be with him.

Oh here's a second question though. Does he drink?

Yes he drinks. But he gave up drinking for months and the anger got much worse. Actually I prefer him drinking than not.

He has yet not tried to get back together. And may not. I think I got too close to the real problem for him to face. I think he is scared. Maybe one day I can tell him about the Ritalin. Right now I feel like he may think I am just trying to blame him or making desperate claims to win him back.

So another question to McHuman, what was your experience with Ritalin? I do want to help him and maybe as an ex I can in a few months.

God I really miss him and want him back. Ugh.:(

Dr. Daniel Amen has hypothesized a host of ADD/ADHD subtypes, one of which is "hyperfocused." To the extent that these subtypes exist (they aren't recognized by the DSM), Amen believes the hyperfocused subtype can respond badly to stimulants, as they activate the already over-active cingulate gyrus in the brain, resulting in anger. Amen believes this subtype benefits from a regime which increases both dopamine and serotonin, such as the anti-depressant Effexor, or a stimulant combined with St. John's Wort or 5-HTP. In any event, it sounds like Ritalin isn't a good choice for him.

Yes he drinks. But he gave up drinking for months and the anger got much worse.
Listen -- almost the same thing happened to me -- Strattera FIXED it. Strattera fixed whatever part of my mind "needed" the alcohol and whatever part was eternally ****ed off for not having it. Actually starting Strattera is what led to my quitting drinking it wasn't even intentional, its like my brain stopped craving it altogether. I'm no doc obviously but I find for an alcoholic with ADD what their brain needs is more like something in Strattera, my observations.


He has yet not tried to get back together. And may not. I think I got too close to the real problem for him to face. I think he is scared. Maybe one day I can tell him about the Ritalin. Right now I feel like he may think I am just trying to blame him or making desperate claims to win him back.
Ain't it a *****?

So another question to McHuman, what was your experience with Ritalin? I do want to help him and maybe as an ex I can in a few months.
I'll aswer twice, once for the ritalin and once for the stimulant/alcoholism/anger issues. Ritalin gave me severe social anxiety, obsessive while also retarded creative ideas, and extremely limited focus time. If I were trying to work with a 24/7 busy schedule on ritalin, I would go nuts.

I HAVE been working on a busy 24/7 schedule for the last 2 years, involving the chores of working a job I hated for a disorganized, time-scheduling-challenged boss, trying to accomplish things with this band endeavour, living with parents I dislike, and also getting phone calls to do things with this girl who I felt never listened to me and "used" me or something which I thought from the lack of her ever knowing anything about me in conversation, though now I realize that's retarded and any relationship is a two way street, where I wasn't even fulfilling my end of the street ever. At that time in life I had brilliant ideas and ambitions, which I considered as being SEVERELY repressed by a life full of "nice" people who expect me to do **** I don't want to do for them -- not just that, I have to act nice and pretend I like doing it. My problem was a lack of control over my self, a lack of perspective that I could cut uneccessary things out of my life and see things in a more positive light. But no just that, not at all. I would have been better off taking half the amount of dexedrine (20mg and not 40), and then also not drinking.
The extent of anger issues was that I was always, ALWAYS ****ed off when people talked to me at home, it was always interrupting my one chance to think to myself. THe problem was more that because of my brain chemistry (too much drugs) I sucked at thinking.

My life is better now because I take some Strattera, a smaller amount of Dexedrine, and I CONTROL my life. If I don't want to do something I say "**** it" -- and while before this would mean not talking to, respecting or doing anything with loved ones, now it means living life like my own personal dream and DOING those things I always felt were being repressed, rather than doing things for someone else and being ****ed off about it. "Either you control money or money controls me", that's what I learned and what helped me. Now I work for myself and no longer feel like my sanity is being raped at every corner, I create my life and that's why I'm better now. GEEZus I'm totally not sure if you were even asking about any of this stuff, hopefully this rant wasn't too irrelavent!!!

God I really miss him and want him back. Ugh.:(
Psh whatever, every guy is the same just like every girl is the same, you can find another no problem and you'll be twice as happy. And if he's ever wise enough to realize that a woman whose love he doesn't remotely deserve might be worth giving up anger for, you'll have your choice.

I HAVE been working on a busy 24/7 schedule for the last 2 years, involving the chores of working a job I hated for a disorganized, time-scheduling-challenged boss, trying to accomplish things with this band endeavour, living with parents I dislike, and also getting phone calls to do things with this girl who I felt never listened to me and "used" me or something which I thought from the lack of her ever knowing anything about me in conversation, though now I realize that's retarded and any relationship is a two way street, where I wasn't even fulfilling my end of the street ever. At that time in life I had brilliant ideas and ambitions, which I considered as being SEVERELY repressed by a life full of "nice" people who expect me to do **** I don't want to do for them -- not just that, I have to act nice and pretend I like doing it. My problem was a lack of control over my self, a lack of perspective that I could cut uneccessary things out of my life and see things in a more positive light.
Wow MCHUMAN, this is so so similar to my ex. Thank you thank you for sharing this perspective. I read your post and burst into tears! It was like a relief to hear this in a way. I guess I had an idea, but this is too similar to what you just posted for it to not be probably the same problem. It was only when he went on ritalin that suddenly he became so overly focused and angry. He had these lofty goals becoming this great dancer and everything and everyone, including me, was blocking him! And he always felt no matter what I did that I was not listening to him or understanding him. And Not that I was perfect either, but I really was trying to be supportive of him, his feelings and goals. But he was just so angry at me all the time.


Psh whatever, every guy is the same just like every girl is the same, you can find another no problem and you'll be twice as happy. And if he's ever wise enough to realize that a woman whose love he doesn't remotely deserve might be worth giving up anger for, you'll have your choice.
Thanks for this too. I think part of getting over him is getting a better understanding of what happened and start healing from this. I can no longer help him. But wow does it help you heal when you start to understand it better, I was so bewildered and confused. I hope he figures it out one day. I guess it's also a choice in the way you want to live and what you are willing to face within yourself. Anger must be a scary thing to face.

Maybe he'll get on this forum one day and start to explore it - I hope so.

Thank you again.