I did it again! I overcommitted myself and have gone into hiding. I feel like a goof.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been a turtle in a shell. When threatened or overwhelmed, I hide in my cave. This is especially true in the winter months when my body slows waaaayyyyy down and it doesn't take much to overwhelm me.

You'd think I would've learned by now. From about October to April, I have to keep things to the bare minimum or else I will get myself into trouble. And, I have, again.

I've let people down. People I respect. I'm worried I've broken more bridges. But, I think I'm closer to understanding myself than ever before. I wish I had learned this stuff long ago. Don't we all. I could have spared my self-esteem so much abuse.

My daughter has given me a new understanding of myself. She is much like me. At four, I can already see she intuitively knows herself to be different. She tries like the devil to please EVERYONE. She is soooo sensitive to criticism. And, when she is overwhelmed she needs time to regroup. It's like our brains our slow on the uptake and need time to digest whatever stress it's confronting.

I have fought this reality for a very long time-mostly because it has been so terribly misunderstood by myself and those around me. Those closest to me have interpreted this need for solitude as weak, depressive, unhealthy, abnormal, unkind, irresponsible and unacceptable. But, it's not. It's just me.

In order to function in this world, with medication or without, I need a substantial amount of alone time. I need time to collect my thoughts, digest them, write them out. Even the smallest distraction can throw me off course.

Oh, how I wish someone could have understood this and explained it to me a long, long time ago. This little girl who had deep thoughts and filled notebooks with thought after thought. If only, someone could have said, "That's OK. It's just who you are. Keep being yourself and someday this need, this drive will pay your bills, just keep developing it."

My idea of success. The idea I was raised to believe in...Success is measured by the number of friends, amount of money in the bank, amount of community service, how involved you are in the community. So, being the perfectionist I am, this is the ideal I have forced upon myself. The only problem is, it's not who I am.

Instead, I fought it. I have spent years, thousands in therapy, endless hours of frustration, depression, anxiety, accrued countless debts and stresses, all because I didn't allow myself to just be myself. All because I didn't know it was even possible to be myself.

My marriage has suffered. My children have suffered. I have suffered. I have flunked out of Kiwanis. I have a failed business. I have lost friendships. I have embarrassed myself, probably not as much I think. I have a tendency to overreact. And now I have ****ed off the church ladies. Really ****ed them off!

I'm a writer/artist who likes quiet. I like to immerse myself into whatever project I'm working on. I work like a fiend, happily, all to myself. Then, when it's complete I rejoin the world. Motherhood has made this quite a challenge, but maybe not impossible.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to get that out.

Sometimes it helps to vent your frustrations here...:o Try not to focus too much on what you call your "goof ups". ( for me that's like the pot calling the kettle black!) But don't be too hard on yourself and learn from you daughter. Accept who you are and LIKE who you are. I've burnt soo many bridges and hurt my family too. But, if you've got the support and help of your family, they will understand. It's not your intentions to hurt, but to help... We just need to move on and learn from our mistakes. Sometimes we repeat them...Oops!:D But that's our lives and we need to roll with it. (((Big hug))) and hang in there! Keep writing! That can be the best therapy in the world!!! (and the cheapest!)

I could have written your post myself as I feel the same way much of the time, especially as of late. Being an introvert in this world is extremely tough. I've always been an introvert--I need time to myself to think and regenerate. Its not a bad thing. But, ever since I became aware of this at about age 7, I knew that I could never appear to be an introvert. I made myself do group social things even though it was so uncomfortable and it took so much energy. Thankfully, I was very good in sports which allowed me to be accepted by the group even though I was not much of a participant.

Even today, at age 39, I still struggle. I found that it was becoming even more so which was perplexing since I thought I had developed some good coping skills, but I think that it is because I have two small children and I do not have any time to relax and regroup. My oldest son is a big extrovert--need sconstant social engagement or he will self combust. He goes to a private school which is very community and socially oriented. I love to be part of it but it is sometimes just too much. I put on a face, sometimes make excuses, and still feel like I come up short in "their" world. To complicate this, I have fibromyalgia which causes extreme fatigue (I just started Ritalin and it is helping tremendously).

My goal is now to find some other women like me so I don't feel so alone in my world. Your post helped me know that there are others out there. I love people and want to be with people, but I just don't want to "be on" all of the time.

You are so right about what the world thinks is "success". Extroverts tend to put all of their cards out there for everyone to see (I'm not saying this in a judgmental way). Us introverts tend to be more reserved and have less of a need to share info with all. I appreciate you letting me ramble like this. Your post touched me on so many levels. Take care of yourself and I will try to do the same.

spmom

Even extroverts need assistance in setting limits and being assertive.

No one is perfect and everyone has their struggles. As an introvert, I am often in awe of how comfortable people are chatting with one another, especially between women. The conversation just flows. Not that I am a hermit, but I do have to really focus to be part of the social scene. I have girlfriends and they chat. I'm a big listener and they like that--its just who I am. I'm really talking about my own experience here and have no judgements of social butterflies (wish I was one, in fact).

spmom

PS. I do think, though, that extroverts don't always know what to do with introverts because I often do not offer personal, and not so persona, information readily. I'm sure it can be frustrating for extroverts. Fact is, though, that if you are not somewhat "out there", you can get overlooked and perhaps judged negatively.

I am an extrovert and I have ADHD. I was a stay-at-home mom for eleven years and had a difficult time estimating how much I could handle when taking on volunteer duties with my kids' sports clubs, school, music lessons, etc. and my own hobbies and courses. It took me years to be comfortable saying "NO!" without feeling guilty. It is easy for people with ADHD to burn the candle at both ends when we really need down time to re-energize ourselves.

I can really relate to your story, too. I enjoy being with close friends but also find I need a good amount of time on my own to feel regenerated and calm. I've been through the self-flagellation thing too, thinking sheesh, what a dullard I must be not to want to go out on a Saturday night and paint the town red, ha! I can get absorbed in a good book or project on my own. Of course, I find if I isolate myself too much, that's a problem for me as I do like company and interaction - guess everyone has to find their own balance.:)

Sometimes some boundary setting skills can help. e.g. learning to say "no" can help us from becoming overcommitted and messing up.

I know that I hate letting people down, too. :(

"Just Weird" -

Great post! Thanks so much for sharing. I very much identify. These days, however, I seem to take plenty of time to myself without feeling guilty at all. I believe that about 3 years (or so) ago I really BURNT OUT! I just sorta stopped caring what many people thought about me. (Not completely - but I just reached a point where I could not DO ANY of the stuff I was doing any more!!) Yes - I suppose my life is a mess right now, but I truly burnt myself OUT!! Now I'm trying to recover. Haven't gotten all that far yet.

Take care,
Sue

Oh, honey, you're being way too hard on yourself.

My daughter and I were talking about just this, how people like us are so hard on ourselves for whatever our failings are; we wouldn't let our friends be as hard on themselves as we are on ourselves. And yet, there's sooooo many people out there with NOTHING to justify their existence, I mean, people who are a total WASTE OF SKIN, who are brimming over with completely unwarranted self-confidence.

So you can start totalling up what's good about you, and I know there's plenty.

And if your business didn't go well, well heck, maybe that was just a bad fit for you. I mean, my job these days is nights, twelve-hour shifts, three times a week, critical care nursing. And people say "How do you work nights, for twelve hours" or "I could never be a nurse".... and meanwhile I think "How can you go to the office FIVE days a week, sit at a desk and push papers around, and wear those high heels all day?" I used to have a career that required all that, and I was struggling and not good at it; I'm good at THIS, though.

I do what looks to some people like some incredibly difficult thing, and they don't know that the real struggle for me would be doing something "normal", bcause I don't fit in that box. (And I do get a ribbing from my friends about my VERY messy desk during my shift - everything is OUT, all over, until the last fifteen minutes when I'm getting ready to give report and go home. Working nights, at least the big bosses and all the doctors don't need to invade my space so much, and I can muddle through at my own pace in my own disorganized way. See how I found my niche?)

I just mean, if you haven't yet found your niche, that doesn't mean you're a flop. It means, you haven't found YOU yet, or the right place in which you can bloom. YOU are still just fine, a wonderful special gift tothe world that will never be duplicated. Don't let self-judgment eat you up; I've spent lots oftime in that hole and I hate to see anyone else jump in it; it's never the people who SHOULD be in that hole, it's good people who just aren't meeting their own very high standards. It's never the child abusers and wife beaters who crawl into this pit of self-loathing, is it? They seem to have plenty of self esteem, and think the world owes them stuff.

You are a good, loving person who cares, and you would tell any good friend the same thing I'm telling you.

And maybe you could go talk to the church ladies, and maybe you'll find they're more understanding than you think; and if they're not, well, you haven't lost much, have you? Phooey on 'em.

I'm so glad I found this forum! I have always felt like an oddity because of my add and my preference to be alone much of the time. I don't understand why it bothers others so much. The women I work with are very social, and plan a lot of social events that they expect me to attend. So...I decided to attend only a few things here and there so I don't offend anyone. The last event that I attended was a makeup party. It was extremely painful for me to go to this thing, but I stayed for three hours and did my best to fit in. The hostess was mad at me because I left too early!!!! I really don't get it....I was there for 3 hours and I bought a couple of things. I know that many women enjoy these kinds of things which is great... but seriously how many makeup parties, pot and pan parties, pocketbook parties can people have??

The irony of ADD is that supposedly people with ADD needs lots of stimulation, and they tend to overbook themselves. However, that is exactly what they (and nonADDers) should not be doing.

Wow! Are you all saying that anti social personalities and the need to be alone alot is a symptom of ADD (not adhd). I have battled with those symptoms for so long, since I was a child. And now that I have a very active son, I have to deal with enthusiastic moms and I wonder how they manage the stress and still act like they are so happy. I dread going to my son's games and avoid practices, to avoid the moms. I find myself irritated and jealous of their energy and enthusiasm. I wish that I had that energy, but instead I go back home to get some alone time. Everyone tells me that it's not good to be alone so much, but frankly, I enjoy it. Especially with the stress of my son's very busy schedule. I have taken ADD medicine and noticed that it helped tremendously with these anti social problems and feel less shy and more outgoing.

I am an extrovert by nature, but up until getting diagnosed with severe ADHD last year I was so overcommitted in my life in work, with friends (being there for people/always at parties) and volunteer work that I would burn out from time to time. When I finally got on medication I was able to see that I was just going on overdrive - the overdrive of ADHD - and this past year I have taken things down 10 notches and really concentrated on my own well being. It didn't sit well with all my friends and some of them aren't around anymore, to be quite honest. But alot changed then. But I do find that I need time alone too to sort things out and not feel overwhelmed. I like to refer to myself as an "introverted extrovert". If I don't have down time I start feeling like I am out of touch with myself. I am also a creative person like many ADDers are, so the alone time is necessary.

We ADD people - especially ADD women - seem to be really hard on ourselves about our "goofups". I have had to find people who are forgiving and unconditional in my life, and learn how to be the same with myself. That is the hardest thing - but therapy has helped me - I have felt like a screw up my whole life, because of aDD and also because I was told I was when I couldn't live up to expectations that most can't but especially an ADDer can't! I am learning to stop listening to those old tapes that are not so loving to myself. learning to accept yourself - warts and all - is a lifelong struggle for most. But remember that you are worth it :)

Just Weird, I can totally relate. Although I tend to under commit because I'm afraid of letting people down.

Like you, I slow down a lot in winter. This year I tried light therapy, and it helped a lot, I didn't feel the fatigue I usually do.

I dont think wanting to be alone is only ADD. My meds help me feel less anxious in social situations, and I do enjoy people, but I'm still a loner and need alone time. Some people would call me agoraphobic, but I'm not. I like being at home, and I don't go out just for the sake of going out. But if I have to go somewhere, I go.

I still find myself comparing myself to other people and their idea of success, and that's when I get into trouble. I'm working on my niche, getting it to suit me, and the people here are a tremendous help.

I have always needed a lot of alone time. I have always felt guilty about it. Most people I know go somewhere almost every weekend, and that would be exhausting to me. I also tend to avoid the social gatherings, and I have never felt that I fit in. I did go to a baby shower for gals at work recently, and I could not wait to leave. I constantly compare myself to those Moms who go everywhere all the time. There is no way on earth I will ever be like that.

Sometimes I think I am a little agoraphobic. I have some anxiety, and I can't stand going to Walmart, for instance.

I have always had seasonal depression as well, I recently was diagnosed with bipolar II and seasonal depression is a common symptom for BP. I have struggled with depression for over 15 years, and finally started a mood stabilizer and quit all the antidepressants, and added Adderall and I feel so much better. I still like to stay home though. But I do wish I had more friends, especially girlfriends. I have only lived in this town for 3 years, and it gets harder to make friends the older I get. Anyway, thanks for the thread and listening to me vent! :rolleyes:

I have always needed a lot of alone time. I have always felt guilty about it. Most people I know go somewhere almost every weekend, and that would be exhausting to me. I also tend to avoid the social gatherings, and I have never felt that I fit in. I did go to a baby shower for gals at work recently, and I could not wait to leave. I constantly compare myself to those Moms who go everywhere all the time. There is no way on earth I will ever be like that.

Sometimes I think I am a little agoraphobic. I have some anxiety, and I can't stand going to Walmart, for instance.

I have always had seasonal depression as well, I recently was diagnosed with bipolar II and seasonal depression is a common symptom for BP. I have struggled with depression for over 15 years, and finally started a mood stabilizer and quit all the antidepressants, and added Adderall and I feel so much better. I still like to stay home though. But I do wish I had more friends, especially girlfriends. I have only lived in this town for 3 years, and it gets harder to make friends the older I get. Anyway, thanks for the thread and listening to me vent! :rolleyes:
I can definitely relate jeaniebug. I just prefer to be by myself. Although I do feel lonely at times and wish I had more friends. It would be nice to have friends that I can truely be myself around.

The people I'm in contact with always seem to have something going on. I always think to myself "don't they get tired of always being on the go?" Like you, I avoid social gatherings as much as possible because I feel like I don't fit in and it's down right draining.

Also, I have to say that when my son was younger it was tremendously difficult for me to be around other moms who just seemed to be programed in the "on" position at all times. I felt like I was the only one like this.

It's such a relief to hear other women talk about these feelings. :)

I did it again! I overcommitted myself and have gone into hiding. I feel like a goof.
...
I've let people down. People I respect. I'm worried I've broken more bridges. But, I think I'm closer to understanding myself than ever before. I wish I had learned this stuff long ago. Don't we all. I could have spared my self-esteem so much abuse.
...
I have fought this reality for a very long time-mostly because it has been so terribly misunderstood by myself and those around me. Those closest to me have interpreted this need for solitude as weak, depressive, unhealthy, abnormal, unkind, irresponsible and unacceptable. But, it's not. It's just me.

In order to function in this world, with medication or without, I need a substantial amount of alone time. I need time to collect my thoughts, digest them, write them out. Even the smallest distraction can throw me off course.
...
Instead, I fought it. I have spent years, thousands in therapy, endless hours of frustration, depression, anxiety, accrued countless debts and stresses, all because I didn't allow myself to just be myself. All because I didn't know it was even possible to be myself.

My marriage has suffered. My children have suffered. I have suffered. I have flunked out of Kiwanis. I have a failed business. I have lost friendships. I have embarrassed myself, probably not as much I think. I have a tendency to overreact. And now I have ****ed off the church ladies. Really ****ed them off!

I'm a writer/artist who likes quiet. I like to immerse myself into whatever project I'm working on. I work like a fiend, happily, all to myself. Then, when it's complete I rejoin the world. Motherhood has made this quite a challenge, but maybe not impossible.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to get that out.

I really really identify with this. It's just that I want to do so many things, try things, experience things, put my fingerprints on the world....

But, like so many ADDers I can't prioritize or organize or put anything in perspective. It is always all or nothing, now or never. And I can't keep the balls in the air so I spiral back down into my ball.