I am 41 and have been divorced for 16 years. I just have not made a lot of sane sound decisions and choices in life. My marriage was the worst thing I ever did, and my divorce was the best. I was ill equiped and now looking back, I see the characteristics of undiagnosed ADD that have plagued me for years. I wonder, how many of the negative words or actions I have endured through my life have contributed to adding conflict to my ADD? What impact do old tapes of negative messages have on ADD? I am fortunate that I have a very strong personality and that my life has been one of self empowerment and empowering those around me. I am an attractive woman with a lot of potential, yet the underlying belief is that I am not relationship material. I think it is only common knowledge that depression can result from ADD or ADHD. I am very selective and project a personality that keeps people at a distance. Once again, even in sobriety and recovery, I have made very wrong choices and decisions in getting close to other people. How many of us use, and abuse the words of seduction, and in the end do not really mean what we say. Or rather say it and mean it at the moment to get what we want. Are there any for real people out there? Or is this distrust of people an ADD/ADHD characteristic?

Are you enjoying being single or bummed out about it? Now that I've realized I have ADD, I am having a hard time thinking about getting back into a marriage that recently crashed and burned. Now that I am alone, I can bounce off the walls, and get up at 4 in the morning, have a different project going in every room and not have to worry about pi55ing off my S.O. For a while I thought I couldn't handle too much solitude -- in the past depression has been my nemesis. Meds have been helping there...

Maybe you need a relationship that let's you be you. ADDers seem to need lots of elbow room.

-g

I am 41 and have been divorced for 16 years. I just have not made a lot of sane sound decisions and choices in life. My marriage was the worst thing I ever did, and my divorce was the best. Once again, even in sobriety and recovery, I have made very wrong choices and decisions in getting close to other people. How many of us use, and abuse the words of seduction, and in the end do not really mean what we say. Or rather say it and mean it at the moment to get what we want. Are there any for real people out there? Or is this distrust of people an ADD/ADHD characteristic?Willow,

I think most of us have some trouble being "real." I have been divorced for over 10 years, and I needed to get away from him, he was very critical and verbally abusive. He would also fly into a rage over "nothing" and throw things against walls etc. In hindsight, he may have had ADHD, or possibly borderline personality.

My divorce was really painful all the same. He lied about a lot of things and had a vicious lawyer. He cleaned me out financially and I was an emotional wreck. Life as a single Mom afterward was really diffcult in a lot of ways.

Later, I got involved with someone I had known back in grade school, who I had always had a crush on, and he told me he was going through a divorce, which turned out not to be true. So that hurt all the more.

I recently started going to a local Divorce Care group that meets every
Tuesday in a local church. We watch a 30 minute video (made by a bunch of people who have been through divorce), then we break into small groups of about 6-8.

It has helped to focus on why I am still so angry about my divorce. The only person who is hurt by my anger is me, and I know that, but still I am finding this group process really helpful. I am a big fan of groups personally.

As far as people being "real" I have met a lot of real people there, both men and women, and just last week we talked about making new relationships.

I am getting a lot out of it. They have a website:

http://www.divorcecare.com/

if you want to check it out. BTW, it is a Christian based group, which works well for me. It has been an eye-opening experience.

Yup...I need lots of room, lots and lots and lots, more i think than any spouse can be expected to give.

A long time ago (before marriage) I spun out of a series of particularly stressful relationships and situations and ended up renting a small remote cottage with no phone and no TV to try to dry out and get my head straight.

I had been terrified of solitude before and realised I had to confront this demon head on. I had financial security and a sort of a "day job". Every day I followed the same routine, ate the same things, allowed myself one dram (whisky) a day, I tried to meditate, kept a diary, read books, wrote to friends, old lovers, acquaintances telling them my address and my thoughts....

A few wrote back, a couple came to visit....not the ones I expected, but ones who years later I still keep in touch with.

I forced myself to become less relient on the company and affirmation of others, learnt that I could survive alone. without that experience, which wasn't pleasant at the start, I wouldn't be here today.

Now I repeat the test with my circle of acquaintances, I'll drop out for a while and see who is bothered enough to call me.....the results, then as now, are often surprising.

Weeping willow... It is good not to trust people with your own wellbeing. I lived in Northern Ireland for many years at the darkest times before before the current dawn. During that time I had many acquaintances, friends and lovers as the Irish are very hospitable people. However amongst those there were damn few I trusted with my life.

Even now, years later I use my Northern Irish experience to differentiate between true friends, friends and acquaintances. True friends will endure pain and suffering to help you, friends will tell you you're getting into trouble and tell you to take the easy way out, and acquaintances will walk away at the first hint of trouble.

Its difficult to tell them apart until trouble hits!

Kilted Scotsman,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have surrounded myself with friends that are accepting of the fact that I take sabaticals for months at a time. It is refreshing to know that when our paths cross again, we pick up right where we left off. It is also comforting to know that there are no hard feelings. I truly cannot take the emotional overload I experience from those whom become needy or clingy of me. I questioned whether I should worry in that I have become content and being alone yet not feeling lonely. I know my children worry about me, but know that I am whole alone and don't need someone to complete me.

Thank you... for taking the time to respond.

Wonderful information Jeaniebug,

It made me ponder what kind of unresolved issues I have in relation to my divorce. Considering I had no business getting married in the first place. I can say, that I am thankful I do not have 2, 3, 4, 5 marriages behind my belt before I figured out I had ADD or whatever it is I have. Not that I would have been any better in selecting a life partner (... no, not for life partner).

Scatter-g...

Yes, maybe a relationship would be nice. One in which I could be me. Of course, it would have to be with one that was strong enough to be my man. I don't think I am bummed out per say.... versus seeing how much a part I have played in my demise w/o knowing it. I usually take off... I have difficulty in dealing with needy clingy people. Unfortunately I have had my share of fatal attractions and stalkers. Maybe that is another reason for being so content in being alone and not feeling feverishly lonely.

I don't think I am bummed out per say.... versus seeing how much a part I have played in my demise w/o knowing it.
Glad to hear that (the not being bummed out part).

It is kind of sobering to realize how you dig holes for yourself without even knowing what you are doing. But then IMO recognizing that you have a fairly common, and treatable, condition that has been contributing to your digging can be pretty liberating -- it was for me. Seems silly in a way that labelling a pattern of behavior would make it more managable, but...

I'm pretty new to this forum and the label ADD, and seeing stories about people struggling with their issues and trying to more self-reliant (like kilted-scotsman too) is pretty inspiring.

Thanks!

-g

I read a Conrad short novel called The Shadowline. In it he describes the journey to adulthood of a first mate called to command a ship after the sudden death of the captain. When I read it I realised that not all of us make that journey to adulthood. Around us everyday are children in old bodies. I takes trauma and the acceptance of responsibility for our fate and the fate of those around us to cross that line.

Often in a marriage neither party has crossed that line when the lifelong pact is entered into. If the man crosses first life is tough but our culture is based around the man looking after a possibly juvenile wife......if the reverse occurs....life is very very much tougher as our society is less tolerant of a mature and sorted woman looking after a childlike and needy man.

Take care

kilt

Interesting, Kilt.
... children in old bodies... is that parallel to our inner, manytimes, wounded child? All I know, is that I get anxiety in relationship. The feelings are foreign to me and if I don't like the feeling... I am defiant and stand and voice my stance and then leave. I know I have harmed many from my action, thus... think it is best I stay out of relationships until this child in an old body exits teenagehood and accepts adulthood with grace and style.

scatter-g,
I happenchance on this site looking into disassociation. I am self diagnosed w/ADD at this point. At this point, I have an appointment for ADD testing... I too could just relate to so much that many were sharing here. Yes, what a concept that I was not crazy or an outcast of society... I am finding it easier to face and do the undone things now. I like it! I don't feel like I knew who I was before, but confused. I feel like I am getting to know me now, and am excited about who I am becoming.

Yes, what a concept that I was not crazy or an outcast of society... I am finding it easier to face and do the undone things now. I like it! I don't feel like I knew who I was before, but confused. I feel like I am getting to know me now, and am excited about who I am becoming.
I can totally relate! Being diagnosed with depression -- which was not that hard to figure out -- is, well, depressing. But this ADD thing kind of makes me feel better about myself -- so that's why I am constantly losing my keys and why it takes me 15 minutes to leave the house because I have to run back in a zillion times to get the things I forgot and I can't do any single thing until its done. I'm wired up that way? Cool, now I get figure out how to make the most of being a spazz.

-g

I would have to say that I am single by choice as well.

I always knew there was 'something' wrong. And I knew that I could never really truly be happy in any kind of commitment until that 'something' was resolved. Now that I know that 'something' was ADD, I feel a lot more peaceful than in my last couple of relationships.

Having said that, there is a huge part of me that is reluctant to get involved with someone. My education has pretty much taken center stage for the last couple of years, and now my upcoming career may do the same..

I just feel that now I have my chance to really accomplish the things I want to, I'm not really ready to give the attention to someone else. Plus, if you want the honest truth, I'm not really sure if anyone can take care of the ADD me. Perhaps that's not true, but it's what I feel.

Many years ago, I found the peace in being alone and not feeling alone. It was a wonderful awakening as societally I saw how women were ingrained that it took a man for them to feel/be complete. Being alone does not have to mean that I have same-sex preference or am a male-basher. It just means I am content in being me, without needing someone to define me. I like to surround myself with friends who challenge me to be the best I can as I challenge them in turn.

Good for you in being ok, being you.

Many years ago, I found the peace in being alone and not feeling alone. It was a wonderful awakening as societally I saw how women were ingrained that it took a man for them to feel/be complete..
Yes exactly! I was doing a lot of thinking today, and I realize that having ADD means that I really need my time alone. And it's not a luxury either. I mean quite literally, I need some time by myself to just clear my head. Otherwise, I don't think I function well.

For example, I need to be alone to 'recover' from a day where I had serious information overload. I might be able to talk about it with another ADDer, but even then the experience is quite unique to me. I will be fine, but I do need that space to figure it out.

I know that whoever I choose has to be a pretty special person. I don't think I could reveal my ADD to just anyone.

I continued to be awakened as I travel through this site, and read the experiences such as yours. I have a routine in the mornings where my children know not to interrupt my flow to get from point A to point B. When I get home we have an understanding, that we are allowed to go to our own rooms and just come down from our days. I guess, I am the only one that does that. I always knew we were not the 'norm.' Thank you for sharing with me.

Willow,

I wouldn't give up just yet, but I wouldn't worry about being content alone either. Sometimes we just need time to sort things out. Especially in light of your history. I can't speak for you but my diagnosis (well the whole slew of them I ended up with anyway) changed my life, and with that change came lots more stuff. First the way I looked at and saw changed and continues to do so, then the things I could do about what I didn't like and what had scared me for so long had to be and are being implemented. Even the way I look at the future, and at who I really am has changed. It's gonna take some time to really get to know myself again, but I think it's gonna be a good thing. :-)

I would, however, suggest you invest in some counseling, specifically over the impacts all this has had on your life and what you can do about it now etc... It's escpecially good if you can get a counselor who's worked with folks with ADHD/ADD before. I'm glad you're content right now, and one should always be on good terms with ones self. What most people fail to realize is that that's exactly where you need to be to be in the best position to enter a relationship. One should never enter into a relationship with another human being to feel whole. It sounds very romantic, but it's just a rotten idea in practice. You really do have to be whole and content on your own and with yourself before you can really bring all you have to offer in a relationship to the table.

In other words, whether you realize it or not, you're well on your way to being in the best spot ever for a relationship. It's entirely up to you if you want one or not.

What a refreshing response. So optimistic. Yes, I have come into a whole new awareness of self, and this was prior to questioning if in fact I may be ADD. I am scheduled for testing for ADD. Hmmmm, I am probably going to need to go in for an anxiety overhaul, as now the thought of being in a relationships make me uneasy (panicked).

Weeping Willow, you are my favorite tree. In response to your question or post, I dont know if I am ADHD, but my psychologist thinks it a big possiblity. As a young adult, I alway said ( in my head of course.) that I would not get married unless I was right with me.

I do love children and would like another person to share my life with, but I am 48 and have lived alone all my life except for 2 yrs... well need I say more.... I never married him, to many probalems.

As I have other people that know me say how jealous they are of me, because I can do whatever, whenever at what ever time I want. I use to work for my sister's best friend. At the time, she has 2 little ones, and a third on the way, and this is what she told me. I loved taking care of the children, and I always wanted children in my life but I will take what comes my way.

As a child, I thought I would adopted because I dint want to get fat from being pregnant, I was only a teen then when I said that so I know that having problems with depression which now I really think was and still is undiagnosed depression. I am on stratterra and it has helped emensly. Well I hope this helps.

The awareness of oneself is a truely enlighteng experience, itsnt it? I didnt even know that it had happen to me but somewhere along the way it did... happy days are here.

Oh I think when I adopted my girlfriends dog, well my life just changed. I am caring for some thing else other than myself, and someone to love... even if it is a dog... her name is Penny and she is the sunshine in my life.

Thank you. I got 'married' under the pretense of what I thought marriage was. I so did not have a clue. I wonder, if it is because of ADD, we don't do that same mistake again because the experiences is indented/imprinted/etched like an emotional scar in our psyche? I do have two daughters, one a gift of that marriage (the only gift I kept) and had another baby from someone I thought was the one. He so was not the 'one.'

If anything I have and am raising two daughters who are independant, strong, and not afraid to voice their thoughts. They of course are not ADD, but have learned from their mama's style and sometimes brutal grace. The are compassionate and sensitive, yet strong and empowered.