morphium
03-07-07, 05:35 AM
i've come to the realization that i am not 100% independent. No matter what the circumstances, I need people around to maintain my sanity.
I've been through nearly 24 years of "convienient" indifference before i found my full potential. I've been through a mad cycle. After my diagnosis I found out I can believe in myself and just be happy living my life with full confidence. BUT the moment something goes wrong i lose it all and go into full on depression. it's inevitable, no matter how hard i try to reverse it, depression hits. Since last summer, I've been through this cycle:
a. 100% full confidence, which includes taking care of myself like never before, emotionally and physically, plus REALLY CARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE and doing everything in my power to make everyone else around me feel comfortable. all because i believe it had a greater good. I was also super productive ALL THE TIME. I felt literally in heaven that I didn't even think about it when i did it. Now I realize that I only did it to please others.
b. 100% depression, not giving a rat's *** about my well being at all, procrastinating, just not caring about anyone or anything at all. Being the most unproductive I've ever been. pretty much the way i spent most of my life.
So since last summer i've been from 'a' to 'b', to 'a' again and eventually to 'b' again. I've been on 'b' for the last two months. I live with a roomate who I felt had a great connection with me while I was in 'a' but 'b' started the moment he got a second job and was simply unavailable most of the time. i felt alone, and I lost my motivation completely. my passion, my productivity was completely gone.
Sooner or later, cleaning the house or even self-hygiene wasn't as fun as it used to be (in 'a'), since I felt like I was living alone (which i now believe means eternal 'b' for me). The bottom line is, if I understand my brain correctly, I cannot do anything productive for myself or others, if I feel like no one other than myself will benefit from it..
Ok so the reason i posted this rant was, I've been in 'b' for too long, and want to get back to 'a'. Yesterday my roomate came home, found me thrown on the couch in a complete pigsty. He told me that for the past two months he's been keeping it to himself, and said he's not willing to live under these circumstances and that one of us should move out. i told him once in the past that he should tell me when he isn't happy with the way i'm taking care of the house , instead i barely even see him, and when I do, he just shuts himself in his room. So I felt like it isn't worth doing, even for myself.
Today i came home from work and really got into cleaning the house. I felt completely productive and positive. CAUSE I FELT SOMEONE CARED I WAS DOING IT. i'm trying to imagine living alone, and i don't believe it will be any good for me.. I need someone to please, in order to please myself.
Blah, what a disjointed rant, i hope my point came through... all comments are welcome.
I've been through nearly 24 years of "convienient" indifference before i found my full potential. I've been through a mad cycle. After my diagnosis I found out I can believe in myself and just be happy living my life with full confidence. BUT the moment something goes wrong i lose it all and go into full on depression. it's inevitable, no matter how hard i try to reverse it, depression hits. Since last summer, I've been through this cycle:
a. 100% full confidence, which includes taking care of myself like never before, emotionally and physically, plus REALLY CARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE and doing everything in my power to make everyone else around me feel comfortable. all because i believe it had a greater good. I was also super productive ALL THE TIME. I felt literally in heaven that I didn't even think about it when i did it. Now I realize that I only did it to please others.
b. 100% depression, not giving a rat's *** about my well being at all, procrastinating, just not caring about anyone or anything at all. Being the most unproductive I've ever been. pretty much the way i spent most of my life.
So since last summer i've been from 'a' to 'b', to 'a' again and eventually to 'b' again. I've been on 'b' for the last two months. I live with a roomate who I felt had a great connection with me while I was in 'a' but 'b' started the moment he got a second job and was simply unavailable most of the time. i felt alone, and I lost my motivation completely. my passion, my productivity was completely gone.
Sooner or later, cleaning the house or even self-hygiene wasn't as fun as it used to be (in 'a'), since I felt like I was living alone (which i now believe means eternal 'b' for me). The bottom line is, if I understand my brain correctly, I cannot do anything productive for myself or others, if I feel like no one other than myself will benefit from it..
Ok so the reason i posted this rant was, I've been in 'b' for too long, and want to get back to 'a'. Yesterday my roomate came home, found me thrown on the couch in a complete pigsty. He told me that for the past two months he's been keeping it to himself, and said he's not willing to live under these circumstances and that one of us should move out. i told him once in the past that he should tell me when he isn't happy with the way i'm taking care of the house , instead i barely even see him, and when I do, he just shuts himself in his room. So I felt like it isn't worth doing, even for myself.
Today i came home from work and really got into cleaning the house. I felt completely productive and positive. CAUSE I FELT SOMEONE CARED I WAS DOING IT. i'm trying to imagine living alone, and i don't believe it will be any good for me.. I need someone to please, in order to please myself.
Blah, what a disjointed rant, i hope my point came through... all comments are welcome.