I was diagnosed with ADD over a year ago; I've been seeing an ADD coach, have read a lot of books and have worked very hard to organize myself, my borderline ADD spouse, and my three kids who -- if they are not actually ADD themselves -- are definitely high maintenance!

Finally, I made the appointment with the doctor to talk about meds. I can keep things together (for the most part) but felt like it was taking every last ounce of brainpower to make sure that lunches were packed, homework was done, housework done, bills paid, etc.. I felt constantly mentally exhausted and had no energy left for my children; I felt chronically aggravated and resentful that everyone expected ME (of all people!) to keep track of all these annoying decisions and details and mind-numbingly boring stuff.

The doctor agreed that meds would probably help, so I started on 10mg of Adderall. What a difference! Suddenly, I realized what needed to be done, and (more importantly) in what order. I was able to plan, make lists, prioritize, organize, and prepare.

I was shocked at how much I could get done when I was not spending the day hyperfocusing on researching some obscure philosophical notion that had caught my fancy, or crocheting adorable (but un-needed) hats that did not actually fit my children, or zoning out and just listening to the noisy cocktail party that seems to be always going on inside my head...

And time seemed to make sense to me, rather than being a rather random and unpredictable flow of events. I was able to say "Hmmm, we eat dinner at five, so I'd better defrost and marinate that chicken now..." What a concept.

The side effects have so far been minor (dry mouth, no appetite, a headache when the meds are wearing off). So I should be happy, right?

Instead I'm rather sad. I guess I always figured that I *COULD* be organized, efficient and orderly if I *WANTED* to, I just chose not to. That I was creative, intelligent, UNIQUE, different. A mad genious, if you will, and that's why I couldn't be bothered with tedious things like laundry and dishes and remembering appointments. Only boring, un-intelligent, un-creative people could possibly care about things like vacuuming and eating from the four food groups, right?

Turns out I've been in denial all my life, I do have a bona fide disorder here, and I *CAN'T* do all that organizing stuff without chemical assistance. I guess I'm still creative, intelligent, unique and different -- but instead of my failing out of two colleges by CHOICE, as some sort of STATEMENT,, it was probably more due to my inability to remember to go to class and complete assignments. And all those dull, neat, organized people I looked down upon as hopelessly inferior to my blazing intellect actually possessed some rather important skills and abilities that I was not blessed with.

Sigh...I don't like taking the meds, but I tell myself it is better for my children to grow up with order and structure and clean clothes and proper nutrition around them than the way I did (I mostly remember my mother sitting in her bathrobe drinking cup after cup of coffee all day and claiming that our messy, cluttered house was a result of her passion for gardening -- even though our garden resembled a weed jungle more than anything else -- and my father's car always looked like a homeless person's shopping cart --- and my brother is addicted to online gambling and still lives at home even though he's forty-seven years old because he got evicted from two apartments after filling them with empty pizza boxes, stacks of newspapers and mountains of beer cans)....

"I mostly remember my mother sitting in her bathrobe drinking cup after cup of coffee all day and claiming that our messy, cluttered house was a result of...... someone else making the mess..."

yep, thats my mom too! :p

Yep, I like to think of it as the "uniqueness syndrome." It's like a protective mechanism against hating yourself for being a mess. You think that all of those mundane, Tuesday-type people who make the world go 'round are somehow inferior (while concurrently envying their orderliness and the lack of moldy cheese sandwiches in their fridges)!

It pains me now, though, to see so many people who I know really did lack my intellectual capacity (close friends I dearly loved but, nevertheless, I know did not have the same level of intellectual curiosity, etc) who have far surpassed me in the realm of career success. Ugh, it makes my heart ache to think of what I could have accomplished and the choices I might have made if I had the medication, medical support, and understanding then that I do now. But I digress.

PS. My mom has ADD and cleaned houses for a living! Something about making good money for it, not being stuck in an office job, and making her own hours made her an excellent cleaning lady -- while our house was a swirl of dirty dishes, homeless papers, and pencil scratched "reminders" on all the cabinets. Her car was a moving trash dump and her purse (when she sporadically managed to keep one) was full of tobacco flakes, receipts, lists she never used, matchless match books . . . God, she was just like me!

wow wow wow, this is completely utterly me. I keep doing 3 months on meds, 3 months off b/c I feel this way. probably not good. I am about to start school for the 3rd time and know I am going to need it. I think if I could just accomplish something that was actually planned out and not done on a whim that I could gain a ton of confidence of being on meds.

Oh wow...you could be writing about me. Isn't it so hard? I can't get my meds right and I'm on such a downer. It's all catching up again.....the bills, the school notes, deadlines everywhere, housework. I'm so tired I could sleep for a week. I was glad to be diagnosed with ADD but on days like this I hate it so much I could cry :( .

My head at the moment is like a pin-ball machine.

Thank you for a most interesting post. On bad days like this, I wonder if I'm going mad. But there ARE others just like me, so it MUST be real.

Keep well.

It sounds like you're coming to terms with your ADD being a real disorder, and not something made up :) Because if it really was about you, than you're right, willpower alone should have made you more efficent in your day to day activities.

It's true that some people are able to manage their ADD without meds. Now I'm not exactly sure how it's done...maybe through diet, supplements, and a particular organization? Anyway, if managing your ADD without meds is important to you, than maybe spend some time researching into this option.

But if you do need meds in some kind of way, it doesn't make you less "able" if you know what I mean. You know first hand what life is like without them right? Why subject yourself to unnecessary misery? :)

Hugs to you though. I'm sure you will find a balance that's right for you.

I hear ya.

Oh wow...you could be writing about me. Isn't it so hard? I can't get my meds right and I'm on such a downer. It's all catching up again.....the bills, the school notes, deadlines everywhere, housework. I'm so tired I could sleep for a week. I was glad to be diagnosed with ADD but on days like this I hate it so much I could cry :( .

My head at the moment is like a pin-ball machine.

Thank you for a most interesting post. On bad days like this, I wonder if I'm going mad. But there ARE others just like me, so it MUST be real.

Keep well.

To This I can relate. It is a bit sad. I understand the "hindsight" frustration. You are still a sum of your experiences. your inability to focus during significant periods of your life is very familiar to me AND it makes us 'who we are'. Blazing intellect is a bit of a curse. Ignorance is often bliss. I still choose 'smart'.

The BLESSING is - you found a drug that works for you. Create the new normal.
I'm still looking for the magic meds/diet/lifestyle cocktail. New to the forum. Maybe this will help.