Hey ever since I was a little girl I have always felt socially insecure. By this I mean that I am always worried that people wont like me and because i find it hard to make many friends I tend to feel uncomfortable and insecure when I do. I love having friends and being around people and being invited to things. I just cant seem to get over the insecurity feeling of it though, like Im always try to put up an act and try my hardest to act differently to how i really am so my friends will like me. It can get so bad that if my friends arent talking to me like if they are talking to someone else I automatically think that they dont like me anymore and that I have done something to make them think that they dont like me. This is quite bad for my self esteem and confidence as I always think the worst of myself. I mean I can be bubbly and friendly which I am but hyper too which I tend to think that people find me too annoying. Having ADD my confidence is right down and I feel like I suck at everything and I cant do anything right. Has anyone here have had any of these experiences with their ADD and can you share how you handle your social life with it. Any advice would be great too. Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place.

Roxy.

I feel like that. I have always felt like that. I think i probably always will feel like that. I even feel like that around my own family. I have this imbalance between thinking that I'm better than others, inferior to others, and finding where I'm just equal. I know I'm intelligent and good at things, and have a lot of common sense which people seem to be lacking at the moment, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not "cool" or "withit" like everyone else, and I feel like they are going to see inside me and see that somehow, by looking. I feel like they are going to see how people treated me in the past, and do that.

I don't have a low self esteem, and in fact I reap great joy from impressing myself in my art and my work.

I'm just... insecure, socially, like you are.

I always feel like I am annoying people. Then I make it even worse by asking am I bugging you and get the "NOOO already, quit asking that" from people- in turn annoying them. I thought it was a thing I would outgrow, but no. My husband says it is cute, which I guess is good, but I bet he would think different if he was in my head.

I have that same problem. Sometimes for me the situation seems so hopelessly overwhelming that I'd rather just stay home (cooped up for days and weeks at a time) than go out and be with people. It's one of the big fights I have with my DH because he doesn't understand why I get this way. I'm hoping that once I find out whats going on with me and start fixing it (whether by meds, or counseling or both) I may start pulling out of it.

Just know that you aren't alone and I hope things get better for you :)

Me, too. And I'm forcing myself to socialize, anyway. It gets easier with practice, and I find people really do lke me, I get more secure in that the more I push my boundaries. And that's the only way to handle it, as far as I can see. I very easily could crawl into a cave and stay there, but I know it's not good for me and I m.a.k.e. myself step out and connect.


I watch people, too, and borrow bits and pieces of what they do, if I see it works for them. I sort of stepped into my current career with a blank slate, no one knew I was shy and awkward, so I decided I was gonna pretend to be confident and outgoing; it sounds corny and sort of false, but I decided that this was the best place to find a new me, becasue if I didn't do well socially I could just leave and work somewhere else and try again; there were tons of places I could make new starts, over and over, so I could afford to blow it, and I felt had more to lose by not remaking myself than by risking it. And I got some greater courage to apply it to my real, non-disposable, life.

Example: our favorite Middle Eastern restaurant has belly dancing on weekend nights; when we go there, there's a fair chance the dancer will be drawing diners up to dance with her. Many diners decline to dance with her, which is no fun, really, is it? I determine as we go, that I will be game and ready and put on a good show, because it's not about me, it's about HER. She's trying to make a living, and if the restaurant owner doesn't think she can get the diners to relax and have fun, he's gonna get another dancer; so I'm making a spectacle of myself to help her, to loosen the room up, to make it a fun night for everyone. And I praise my son to the skies when he does it, too; he's a cute adolescent, and she a.l.w.a.y.s. picks him, and I'm soooo proud of him that he gets up and does it.

Example: my best friend was tutoring a lovely young visually impaired girl, who decided to throw a party for my friend's birthday. Now, the girl did her best, but did not realize that those of us who can SEE benefit from visual cues to distinguish a party from... ummmm ... a funeral. I mean, this party was dying before it began. It was baaaaaad. And I decided that damn it, this party was not going to die on my watch. This little blind girl was going to throw my friend a good party if I had to humiliate myself repeatedly and die a thousand deaths. And therefore, I did. I sang karaoke, I shook my booty and bosom, I sang "Brick House" at the tipppy-top of my off-key lungs, in front of many people I had to see again someday. I was the insane life of that party, and i was able to do it because it wasn't about me, and I was the only person with the nerve, and courage, and love, to do it. It wasn't about me; it was about my dear friend, and more importantly, the little girl trying to throw a grown-up party.

Point is, I focus on, maybe the other people are uncomfortable, and I need to make them feel good. It doesn't matter how I feel. I make myself the hostess and put myself to work. I approach it like a job, and it isn't about me then.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have tried to be a bubbly me and be like all happy and stuff but I end up being hyper and very talkative and then people just get really annyoyed with me sometimes. But yes I do let loose around people I feel comfortable with. I get more inattentive and shy around people that make me feel awkward. I really want friends but always find it hard to make some, I didnt have much of a problem making friends at high school, I had really close best friends always at high school. Even if they were different best friends I always had one, until I had finished school I dont really have even one really close friend. I do have a best friend that lives a couple of hours away from me but its hard with that distance to travel. I just feel quite lonely without anyone to talk to or be around with. I had a boyfriend but he is moving away now for work so we decided to be friends now. There is something people dont like about me I dont know if it is my insecurities that show through or not. Sorry this is long and thankyou to anyone who reads this.

Roxy, I'm learning that some of this socialization stuff is a set of behaviors one can learn, and imitate until they feel more natural. Don't just think "there's someting people don't like about me", because that's not likely to be the bottom line. I mean, there are people who are total and complete evil donkey anuses, and they are able to socialize and draw people to them. It has nothing to do with goodness or morality. It's just a toolbox; you can get one and put some tools in it. Some people will be more succesful at it than others; I will never be a social butterfly. But I am confident that there's ways you can apply that will help you connect.

I don't mean to be down on you. I just hate to see someone living like I did for so long, alone and disconnected. It's not healthy.

I mean, hey, you connected with us. Look how many people read your post and were drawn to reach out to you. You have things to offer. Just, maybe like me, you have unthinking behaviors that get in the way. Is there someone you can ask? Or, wait.... get a video camera and tape yourself while you talk with someone. Really. I did that once, by accident, and I discovered, to my HORROR, that I was making this snotty know-it-all face when I explained things.... damn it, that same face my sister always made that torqued me sooooo off at her. And I knew that what I was thinking then was not at all in line with what my face showed. (Yes, I did realize that meant maybe, just maybe, my sister wasn't a snotty witch. I did make that connection!) This is what I mean, there may be things you don't know you're doing, that get in your way.

yes. i have a huge "i am annoying" complex.

can you tell i didnt take my meds today?

Roxy, I'm learning that some of this socialization stuff is a set of behaviors one can learn, and imitate until they feel more natural. Don't just think "there's someting people don't like about me", because that's not likely to be the bottom line. I mean, there are people who are total and complete evil donkey anuses, and they are able to socialize and draw people to them. It has nothing to do with goodness or morality. It's just a toolbox; you can get one and put some tools in it. Some people will be more succesful at it than others; I will never be a social butterfly. But I am confident that there's ways you can apply that will help you connect.

I don't mean to be down on you. I just hate to see someone living like I did for so long, alone and disconnected. It's not healthy.

I mean, hey, you connected with us. Look how many people read your post and were drawn to reach out to you. You have things to offer. Just, maybe like me, you have unthinking behaviors that get in the way. Is there someone you can ask? Or, wait.... get a video camera and tape yourself while you talk with someone. Really. I did that once, by accident, and I discovered, to my HORROR, that I was making this snotty know-it-all face when I explained things.... damn it, that same face my sister always made that torqued me sooooo off at her. And I knew that what I was thinking then was not at all in line with what my face showed. (Yes, I did realize that meant maybe, just maybe, my sister wasn't a snotty witch. I did make that connection!) This is what I mean, there may be things you don't know you're doing, that get in your way.
Hi piglet

Yes I can see where your coming from. The problem with me is that if I try to make some friends sometimes it just doesnt stick or it may take a long time before I become friends with someone in particular.

There are alot of things I know I need to improve in myself and I do try to look for the positives of the things that I do have its just sometimes really hard.

Yes I do need to try harder at making friendships I find that it is harder when you have left school and reach adulthood.

Thanks for the advice by the way.

Roxy,

If you are trying to be what you think other people want you to be... then in the end, do you know who you are? When will you ever rest in just being you? I have been in situations all my life in which people did not like me. My coping mechanism became not thinking or worrying whether they liked me or not.

Today, when I work w/people with identity insecurities I work on empowering them in their strengths. I believe when we are people pleasers we set out the welcome mat and set ourselves up to be stepped on. When that happens, how does it make you feel then? It is a given that there are people out there that will take advantage of your needing to please them to be their friend.

With my own daughters, I have taught them not to buy others friendship or think they have to give up self to be accepted by others. I know they will grow up and have to step out into the big bad wide world and have to stand up for self.

I was also taught that what other people say, do, or think was none of my business. When I was told that, I said, "Yeah, but!" The rebuttal was "No but's about it, it is none of your damn business!" This taught me to stay in my own mind, in my own heart, in my own skin, and in my own place in time. It kept me out of thinking I had mystical powers of sorts to think I knew what others were thinking of me.

Put your imagined mystical powers away, and just be... be ok being you. You will be amazed at the people that are drawn to you with such confidence.

Roxy.

I know exactly where you're coming from....please don't feel alone darling.

Selena:)

hey all;

i think one of the issues of adders, is that we communicate using a slightly different language. exspression is emphasized both physically and verbally. and even though we articulate our thoughts with words, our intentions are what are in question. we are often misunderstood. we also hyper focus to assure our own understanding of the on-coming message. thus perceived as aggressive or doubtful /judgmental. communicaton is the key to all interpersonal relationships. how can we not have social issues.

what i struggle with, is not how to be excepted or welcome, or wanted.
but more so how to "need" relationships. i am so damm independant that i lack the "need base" balance nessassary to sustain more than just a hand full of intimate relationships.

and i don't really think most people are nice. i enjoy a good conversation, however, i can just as easily talk to myself :p ha, ha. no really, i have felt just a little warped most of my life. it ain't changing. and i love me.

db

Hey, Rox, how're ya doin? Any improvements on the social front? Thinkin' of ya.

I agonize over the whole add social issue too. For years I have tried to analize my social interactions to see where I go wrong.....it's exhausting......and I really don't want to do it anymore. So...I'm trying to live by the o'l "what you see is what you get" adage. I hope it works......if nothing else...maybe it will bring self acceptance.

thats awsome i know how you feel i'm somebody who grew up at this one amzing public school in kingston had great teachers and i was diagonized with frist add & adhd they couldn't figure it out at frist (it took them awhile ) lets just say after years of work they figured out i had aspergers sydrome ,,, i really enjoy the arts aswell , i like photography most of all cuz i can get away from myself without moving at all

i have low self esteem

I was the same exact way.

I always thought it was because i was an army brat and changed schools every few years but now that I've done some research I realize it's a side affect.

Hi Roxy,

I can also relate to this. I find myself walking away from a client wondering ...did I talk too much? Was I clear? Do they think I am dumb? I used to do this a lot more in social situations, but not as much now.

I have very few friends, don't normally see them socially, but do talk via phone and instant messaging. I somtimes think they think I am a bit of a case, but I just have to let that go. They keep telling me that want to get together and enjoy talking so I have to take them at face value.

In male/female relationships whenever I am not the focus of attention I worry what the other person is thinking, if they are unhappy and if they don't care for me anymore. Then I make myself feel bad for being so self centred. Now that I know my ex is ADHD too it eplains his intense need for time alone, not clueing in to the passage of time and the challenges with communicating. I used to believe he was ....wait for it....not trying hard enough!

This trait has ruined a fair amount of relationships for me. I was just recently diagnosed ADHD too and started medication earlier this week. It seems that it is helping already with perspective issues and letting go of what society expects and embracing what is.

Jen