Tonight I found out, conclusively, that James (boyfriend) is going to study a Masters next year (after finishing his Bach. this june). I asked more details about it and he didn't really know, all he could offer was "I just want to get this degree over and done with first".

I don't know what it is that I want to hear, but I just want to know something, anything....

To be honest I'm a little upset, or put out, or "miffed" or something, that he's doing this. I don't know why, I guess I just thought when I'd finished my degree, and he'd already finished his 6 months earlier (I finish in december), that the next year I could "get on with my life" - e.g. move out of my mum's house, and just be an independent person, doing what i want to, and with James....

The 'future' of anything is a big driving motivator for me.... Sure, I compartmentalise and right now during semester EVERYTHING is about study about about teaching and becoming a better teacher before I graduate.... and there's a little bit of eating, sleeping, friends, family, and a tiny bit of leisure.... and about 30 seconds of TV per week (2.5 hours maybe...). But with all that, there's not only the hyperfocus on Uni stuff, there's also a big picture of what's going on... globally... with everythign in my life, and where I'm headed. It's not 100% clear, but it's there.

I really don't know what I want him to say or do, or what I should say/ want to say... or if he's even remotely thinking about the same sorts of things I am. I don't know if he really has no idea or doesn't want to say.

I don't know what difference it will make to me if he DOES say that he knows.... I guess I just want some sort of direction right now.... And I know that if (or because...) he will do this Masters degree, 2 years full time, he will still live with his parents (in all likelihood) for those 2 years....

All I can establish so far is that he wants to go and do more university study, doing this 2 year degree, and I know that that's as far as his thinking has gone.

I think I really need something more than that 'from him' (if I can even say that sort of thing fairly...)

And... I don't know if I really don't know what that "something more" is, or if I just don't want to 'think it out loud' or 'say it out loud' or type it or write it anywhere... because then it's right infront of me isn't it....

Any help or guidance of any form... is extremely welcome. I'm very confused and upset. :eyebrow: :(

Just to clarify, this is NOT me niggling over him doing his masters. I think it's great.

But where do I fit into all this?????

The only way you'll find the answer to that 'question', is to ask him.

I guess I don't entirely understand the problem. Can't you get on with your life - e.g. move out of your mum's house, and just be an independent person, doing what you want to, and with James.... whether he's working or studying full time?

What is it about his choice to study further that is holding YOU back?

I can relate to your reaction to the news...even though it is 100% his choice to do it, you feel "a little upset, or put out, or "miffed" or something" because of the delivery. You were told straight out, no discussion. Not that he should have asked you first, but maybe he could bring it up in more of a discussion format..."I was thinking about doing my master's after this degree....".

Unfortunately, this is a problem that lies with you (damn add brain, thinking differently and always about something not in the present), and not him and bringing up how you feel about this in a way that won't get him defensive is not easy to do. I have run into situations not exactly like this but similar...and I had the same "I don't feel good about this but I really don't know why" sort of reaction.

Like when my ex boyfriend whom I lived with at the time announced one year "I am going to my parents cottage for my vacation to help them with renovations". I was really ****ed. He knew full well that I only got limited vacation, as did he, and this made me feel like he didn't give a crap, there was no discussion. He may have assumed I would go, but he didn't even ask....just told me what he was doing and implied that I could take it or leave it, but I wasn't going to change what he was doing.

When I told him calmly how I felt about it he got mad and defensive and we ended up fighting about it. He couldn't make the distinction between the activity (vacation) and my hurt feelings (being told, lack of discussion) no matter how I tried to explain it to him and he thought I was trying to tell him what to do and that I didn't want him going to his parents. If he had said "hey, I am thinking of going to my parents' for vacation, want to go?" I would likely have said yes and there would have been no problems. (this is one of many reasons he is an "ex").

So, you should talk to him about it, but make sure you discuss it in terms of your feelings and your reactions and how it's not the action of doing the degree, but the way he told you, that affected you. I know, easier said than done, but be prepared for him to get upset no matter how easy going he may be.

Another thing to avoid these feelings in teh future is to plan your life as independently as you can. I am still learning to do this myself (and damn, I learned the hard way, I have many "ex" stories...). You can do this while still taking your partner into account, but you should not be dependent on anyone but yourself if at all possible. We all have dependent times, but overall, save for an independent future however far off that may be. Plan your accomodation to what you can afford, plan your own education to what you want to do, same with career, friends, hobbies. By all means, include him in everything you want to, but if for some reason you are not together tomorrow, you should be able to survive on your own. To me, an ADDer, it seems like non-adders and males either don't feel this way, or don't let it bother them in these types of situations.

Sorry for the long post, but you struck a nerve! :) I hope this helped you at least a bit and good luck.

Thanks everyone.

Well... I did ask him last night, over the internet (bad I know, but he was there, and I wasn't going to sleep if I didn't ask... and I felt a bit 'safer' asking that sort of question not in person!).

He didn't really give much on it.. The question I asked was "Where do I fit into your life?"

and he said "you're with me"

so I asked "but what does that mean?"

he replied "there is a place for you in my life"

so I asked "yes but.... what is it?"

and he replied "i'm not sure at the moment"

I prompted "any ideas????????"

and he said "not saying, why do you ask?"



I really don't know what any of that means. Guesses about this thing can be fairly hazardous. So I went to bed feeling the same/ worse than I would have without asking, and I don't think I'm going to get a better answer any time 'soon' (e.g. probably not even this year).

So I feel incredibly lost. After 2 1/2 years I'm not really just "along for the ride" now, so I really need to know very clearly if there arecommon goals. I don't want to wait more time if it's just going to be negative.

I guess I don't entirely understand the problem. Can't you get on with your life - e.g. move out of your mum's house, and just be an independent person, doing what you want to, and with James.... whether he's working or studying full time?

What is it about his choice to study further that is holding YOU back?
As I said, it's not. It's not really about him doing his Masters.... it's that he doesn't know (or won't tell me) where I fit into his life while all that is happening. What does he want? What will happen after that?

As I said in the reply above... I don't want to just "float around" in this relationship. There needs to be some sort of direction.

Adding only my opinion of what I "read" in your post.


So basically you are feeling as if you are "floating" out there in the relationship"
he added no security to you "in the relationship" and you are even more dissatisfied than before? Right?

Sounds uncomplicated to me. You are ready to move on to the next phase, and he doesn't sound as if he is?

Key word here....He is not offering you the commitment you are asking for.

So since you are evaluating your life. You have 2 simple decisions to make...

Are you going to stay in the relationship if he can't commit.
Or not?

I had someone ask me something a long time ago I gauge "important" decisions by.

If you saw yourself here in another year...would you be happy?
If not, there might be a real chance things won't change?
You might have to make a decision to not stay. And move on with your life.

I have wasted many years waiting for someone to change, and grow to what I needed them to be for me. Then I stopped and worked on me, and realized how much I missed by being stuck and afraid to step out, into the "scary" unknown, and I am moving on.

Hope you find your answers. Like Nova said. Only you can decide what is best for you and anser the questions you have.

First of all, at least talk on the phone if you can't do it in person. There are so many cues and body language that can affect what he really means. When he says "you're with me" is he hugging you or looking you in the eyes, or is he saying it as he stares at the tv? Is he saying it like he means it, or just saying it bluntly without emotion because that's what he thinks you want to hear?Big differences there, and none of that comes across the internet.

You could tell him why you want to know more details and how it makes you feel when he doesn't tell you the details. Answer his "why do you ask?". If you want him to be open and honest with you then you have to be that way with him. Be direct, and tell him why you want to know, how you feel about it.

If he still gives you the "I don't know" then you have to decide if that uncertainty is worth staying in the relationship.

I feel I must interject a male opinion, if nothing else just for contrast.........
First off, I agree that you need to be open and up front with him. For me personally, when I am asked a question that is meant to go deeper than it sounds, I tend to get a little irritated that I wasnt just asked the REAL question. As another point, us men dont always work so well on multiple channels at the same time. He might be involved enough in his academic goals that he hasn't thought too far out into his future. Be patient with him, and talk openly. Without good communication, there is no foundation. If you and he are truly committed to each other, then think of his persuit of further education more as an investment into both of your futures than as something to do right now. Remember, men and women are equally confusing to each other, and anyone who claims to have "figured out" the opposite sex is lying! I hope this helped at least a little bit. Best wishes!

Good news.

Last night we had a.... "strained" chat. It was like 'pulling teeth' for a while - for both of us. This was all done over the internet, for various reasins - but it's our main way of communication during the week when we are apart. That and SMS.

We eventually got out of each other* that we both see us staying together, and that we both see us living together.

* This came about by discussion of the previous night's misunderstandings (turns out he thought I said to him somethign that meant "I don't know what place you have in my life" when I actually said "I don't know what you think my place in your life is".... weird huh??)
So then he asked again why I want to know, and I said that it's important to know what he WANTS, to be sure we want the same thing (said in different words).
Then he asked "well what do YOU want", and I turned it around on him, saying to ask me specific questions, because I didn't want to tell him anything he wasn't 'ready' to hear (also said in different words which are now unrecallable)...
So then he asked two questions "Do you see us staying together", and "Do you see us living together"?

So that's resolved.

The thing is, it hasn't "changed" anything - which is good, really... when you think about it! What that opening of communication has done, even for a few seconds of communication, is affirmed what I hoped I knew, so that I'm not just judging it on scant facts.

Thanks for all your comments.

ISSUE RESOLVED!

Glad to hear you got it figured out in a positive way. It's amazing what communication can do to resolve confusion!

:)

Yeah - through communication, I've figured out (in the last few days) that I know less about him than I thought, and that our opinions on things differ quite a lot. Through that alone (without even probing further yet..) I've found out a lot more about him.

I'm really glad about that.

I think that throughout our whole lives, we should never stop inventing and reinventing, and reflecting on our understandings of concepts, our philosophes and other people. It's just the shift of perspective that comes with experience and reflection. In this way, I always think back to when I first met James and what I thought of him them/ how I perceived him, and I wonder how what I think of him now matches with that. Funnily enough, knowing him more has given me more of an understanding of the way he was then. That's just a sidenote, but I think it's worth thinking about for everyone to apply to their own lives.

IN THE END WHAT YOU WENT TO HAER

IS THE TRUTH.....

DORM