Looking for perspectives on this dynamic--

Weekend at home. ADDer makes small mistake (light left on in garage or dishes unwashed, or forget to take a paper out of briefcase.)

Reaction from non-ADD spouse: vocal complaint followed by criticism ("Why can't you just think? If I find something like this wrong, what else have you screwed up?")

The ADDer starts to mull it over, makes self feel upset and a little depressed.

The chain of failure starts: A series of small mistakes, one after the other, for example:


Wet laundry from early morning found still in washing machine.
Catbox really messy and obviously not cleaned for past 2 days.
Heat Pump filter not changed.
Crumbs left on kitchen counter.
ADDer Bus Pass found by non-ADDer spouse on floor.

Each element escalates the angry tone and volume of non-ADD spouse. The ADDer starts out centered and non-defensive at first, but starts up negative self-talk with each little mistake. Soon, there seems to be mistakes everywhere.

Time again for the talk from non-ADD spouse: "This proves how unreliable and untrustworthy you are. You've been on medication for a year and a half. You've seen a counselor. You read books about ADD. You're in a support group. Why do you still screw up so much? Stop making excuses and get with the program!"

The ADDer feels very crazy and out of control--it's as if his brain is conspiring against him and he can't respond or get out of the spiral of error.

This happens to me a lot and I haven't been able to find a way that permanently changes the pattern. Any similar experiences or advice out there?

I assume ADDer has discussed the whole ADD thing with nonADDer? Has the nonADDer read any of said books or done research of their own? If that doesn't help my only other suggestion would be to seek some form of counseling together but make sure the therapist is aware of and competent in dealing with ADD as well as relational issues. Often a therapist can say the exact same thing, in the exact same words as you, but since they are coming from a third party who is also a "professional" it often holds a lot more influence (it probably shouldn't, but us humans are weird that way)

This is all speculation of course, as I am an ADDer myself and don't see a problem with a few crumbs here and there; however I do get upset when my nonADDer points them out (even though he left a pile of crumbs right beside mine! think I could tell him that without him getting upset? then he thinks I should be happy about being told to "get with the program" so to speak? hehe, but I digress....) and I tend to experience the cascading effects including the feeling bad about myself for things I "should" be able to change.

We're ADD and there is no cure...only treatment...so there is no way that 100% of your ADD symptoms will disappear...ever...some may get extremely lucky with treatment, but for me personally, if I lost all my ADD I would be even less happy because so much of it is who I am, without the craziness, I think I'd be pretty boring!

It's How we are...

All the therapist is going to pretty much say is, that is how they are, deal with it.

If the Adder is making an honest effort, then they should be happy with it, and regardless of what anyone else says, if they feel they are doing their best, that is what is important.

We all have our own issues, and it sounds like the non-ADDer is a perfectionist, and can't live without accepting that things happen.
I know in my case, where I am the ADDer, and my wife isn't, it's a pain, infact, she replicates some of my bad habits, and it becomes monkey see, monkey do. She then complains to me about what is not being done, yet she herself does nothing. I take it in stride (yes, I do get distraught at times too..). Since I have been on the meds (2 months on Tuesday coming up), things have changed on my side, and not much on hers. I will continue to do more, as I need to, but I don't accept any of her flack, I just don't stick it in her face either, infact, I let her continue to do as she did before.

We should all count are blessings, look back on our lifes @ the times we are proud of, feats that we have accomplished, that no one or very few have achieved, and be proud, and hold our head high.

Lifes to short, be Happy!!


PeaB0dy

Dedication, Distinctiveness & Potential.

been thru this. Years of perfectionist spouse unable to see past petty incompletions that lay in my wake; I really, finally, hit the wall after twenty-some years, and we very nearly split up over it; I mean, he's not a shallow person, he's very generous and warmhearted, but he's very meticulous, and had a very irritating way of seeing detailed organization as the equivalent of morality, above other moral virtues that I happen to possess in abundance. I finally made it v.e.r.y. clear that I was NOT going the rest of my life with my worth as a wife and a human being being judged by whether I left the dish sponge in the sink again. And I meant it, this is not an ultimatum to throw out lightly. I really couldn't life that way anymore. I was dying. Nothing's as lonely as being alone next to someone, is it? And thank God, he stepped up to the plate and was able to set this aside; I am also, coincidentally, much better at doing what he needs; when I'm not living in fear of screwing up again, I'm better able to think, and see, and function, and handle details of life.

SystemsThinker, You've written my story since I've been diagnosed. I think I'm getting to the point that I'm not letting myself internalize the negative talk. I can understand that until my SO really decides to investigate and fully try to understand what ADHD is all about, things just aren't goin' ta change.

Why does the non-ADDer get *so angry* and comment *so negatively*? What is their issue? (It's not all about you.)

This treatment sounds unhealthy for your wellbeing.

I mean, would non-ADDer be saying this is you had a 'visible disability'? I think not.

1. See a counsellor? (Yourself, or together.)

2. Consider the viability of the rel'p? (Since this anger style of the non-ADDer is a no-go scenario for YOU in maintaining your self-esteem.)

I mean, would non-ADDer be saying this is you had a 'visible disability'? I think not. That's a great point. If the disability is internal, suddenly it becomes your fault in the judgment of other people. But if it's visible then they acknowledge it as just the way you are.... Reminds me of a Neal Stephanson novel Snow Crash -- a cyberpunkish novel about some awful future in which people who fail to live up to the "norm" have the words Poor Impulse Control tattooed on their foreheads, so everyone else knows for sure. BTW, I am not recommending that!

Well that was just something I thought of, on the way to making my real comment which is that I thoroughly empathize with how frustrating that kind of treatment can be. Every little comment builds up to form a huge mass of negativity that can be overwhelming. Non-ADDer no doubt thinks that each complaint is, taken by itself, perfectly reasonable and nothing to get upset about or lose any self-esteem over. But the constant barrage starts to make you feel, not only scatter brained but useless. And that's not where you want to end up. I'm going through something similar. (I don't want to hijack your thread -- when I'm ready I'll start a new one with the gory details.)

Let us know how things are working out...

-g

SystemThinker

<O:p

I just wanted to comment that I led my entire life with this cascade thinking, and internalized it all. Over time this just fills you up inside with some heavy painful sludge that nags at you from deep inside. I didn't even know what was eating at me. My relationship might not even be in the shape it's in if I could have stopped this negative talk that comes with critcism. Hopefully with time you can except that you're bound to make mistakes, and no one is perfect. If you forgot something, realize that you didn't do it on purpose, try to find a crutch to help you remember, but don't take it out on yourself.<O:p></O:p>