So I get diagnosed 18 months ago after 9 years of suspecting I have ADHD. I go on meds, get counseling, get educated on ADHD. Lots of grieving, too, over missed opportunities and conclusions about self-esteem that turn out to have been based on a neurological condition.

My pyschiatrist says I'm adapting well. I'm working better and more focused. Things get REALLY stressful at work resulting in organizational restructuring and a paycut. I struggle with home and work responsibilities.

Relationship with son improves. Relationship with wife gets worse and worse. My wife says I have become more forgetful, more unreliable, more flaky as time goes on. My wife reports to psychiatrist her opinions. My psychiatrist has me checked for sleep apnea, hypothyroid, medication adjustment and then recommends an antidepressant, which, when combined with counseling, helps me stabilize my moods better.

However, wife still says I am getting worse--small and large forgetfulness, distraction, impulsivity (including interrupting others.) Wife insists I stop counseling because it reinforces a victim mentality. What I need, she says, is a "kick in the butt," not sympathy. So I do.

I seem to be successful at work. My wife says I am such a poor observer, I am probably deceiving myself. I find myself internalizing more and more her characterizations now and have become more anxious about making mistakes and feel gloomy (but not as depressed!)

My wife admits that she has become the parent to my child in the relationship and says that she has to be, because I'm not up to being an adult.

My counselor explored with me the possibility that living in a situation of highly frequent criticism for so long has stressed me to the point that I've developed a low-grade anxiety disorder, which exacerbates my ADHD. I am catching myself being distracted and impulsive, which I think is a good thing. But I am becoming as frustrated as my wife has been, because the harder I try, the worse it gets. I need to find a way out of this pattern.

My wife admits that she has become the parent to my child in the relationship and says that she has to be, because I'm not up to being an adult.
This annoys me to no end. I'm sure it happens in many relationships, but it seems to be a frequent theme for ADDers and I have experienced it myself. The nonADDer does not have to be anything. They need help with their issues just as much as you do!

Speaking from experience when I am treated like I am "the child" I slowly grow to resent that person and in the past have let this be an excuse to not consciously control some of my ADDness. I admit, I feel pretty dumb sometimes when I forget things or whatever ADD thing it is at the time but I certainly still feel like an adult who can take care of myself!

It really upsets me and makes me feel untrusted and disrespected when someone tells me they "feel like the have to be my parent". This is their problem, not mine! I then feel really down because I know if I don't trust and respect someone I have no desire to stay in that relationship, so if someone doesn't trust me then why are they still here? just to make themselves feel good by putting me down?

IMHO she is the one that needs therapy! It is obvious that she is acting very negatively towards you. She may not mean it and actually think she is trying to help but that is the exact opposite way to do it!

I am sorry that this sounds so negative, but as an ADDer I like to think I am speaking the truth without the BS, and I am merely basing this post on my experience with these situations. The only way I was able to get out of the "parent-child" thing was to end the relationship because they would not admit they had issues or agree to get help. Again, just my experience, hopefully others that feel the need to "parent" an ADDer can accept that the issues are not 100% the fault of the ADDer.

I would also like to add that having a condition all your life that goes untreated will not be fixed in even 18 months. We know this, but our nonADD significant others have as much trouble understanding this as they do in understanding the condition itself.

I hope you get this figured out and don't let anyone put you down! It takes the full trust, respect, effort and cooperation of two people to make (or break) a relationship.

From reading your post it also jumped out at me how terribly negative your wife seems to be. I say this hesitantly because, of course, we are only hearing one side of the story. It does appear that she would benefit a great deal from more info on ADHD and possibly support for her issues in your relationship.

What kind of feedback do you get from friends, other family members, co-workers, bosses, etc.? If they aren't saying the same thing I would certainly question her motives (needs) in keeping you down in the relationship.

Have you checked out our relationship section. Maybe some reading there would give you some ideas about how to move forward with this.

Keep us posted and don't give up. It is a process that goes up and down.

Kim

hehe, Kima, that's what I wanted to say...just never comes out the way I want!

Kima, Amethyst, you guys are right on. Wifey sounds like she's got issues of her own, fersure.

So my question is, how do YOU feel about how you're doing? Not, per your wife's reports. I mean, YOU. If YOU feel you're no better, that's different. If it's just that your wife has passed her breaking point and can't be constructive, that's not relevant to your meds and therapy, yet.

I mean, when I had my crash, my breakthrough, my "THAT"S ITTT" moment at which I could bend no further, and began to claim my own space in the marriage, well, my husband didn't have an easy time. He was trying to correct me. And I shocked him with my explanation that "this behavior that you are trying to correct is ON PURPOSE. It's what I'm choosing to do at this time because it pleases me. I want the music on real loud. I want the doors open, even if bugs fly in. I want..." whatever he was trying to "fix". It really shook him. He was just, baffled.

He had this unquestioned assumption that he was the one who was doing all these things right and if I was doing it different it needed to be adjusted. This is not a sexist or evil thing, okay? This is a lack of imagination and breadth of vision on his part. He had not concieved of a way of life that did not include, say, keeping the blinds closed all the time "for privacy". My saying "Okay, so fine, the neighbors can see in the house. The neighbors can see us watching tv. Your point is?" just rocked his perception of reality. Really. He's a very detail oriented person and he thought being this way was being the grownup. He has started to see how that's not necessarily the case. I am opening his eyes and mind to a larger universe, where things might be imprecise and loose and unplanned and it's ooooooohhhkay.

He is a very responsible man. I depend upon this trait of his and I benefit from it. Just, I have to remind him that living up to resopnsibilities and buttoning every button in life is not the only way to be, and if I leave a copule buttons undone in my life, it's not a mistake. It's my way. And it's okay.

He is getting better at this. He still tends to micromanage me but I make sure he knows he's doing it and I"m not going to play, so stop; he doesn't really agree that's it's managerial, but he is better at stopping it. (I mean, he asked me repeatedly if I've called my boss back, when a message was left asking if I can work extra; I had to tell him e.v.e.r.y. time that I did not and I will not, I'm not working extra, and they don't want to get twenty calls saying "No", they want the one call that says "Yes". And I can manage my job just fine without you riding herd on me. So stop. And he doesn't jump in and ask that now. I can see the wheels turning and he wants to but he doesn't actually do it, which is tremendous progress for him!)

What I mean is, your wife has her own adjustments to make to the new you. Find yourself, whoever you want to be, and be the best yourself you can be and bring that wonderful self into the marriage; and make it clear to her that she has her own work to do, you're not responsible for her end of the transaction. And she is not responsible for yours.