(btw, if anyone knows of a thread on this already, please send it my way 'cuz i couldn't find it)

So basically what's going on is I'm starting to approach the no-man's-land area of "everyone has ADD", where I've made enough progress in coping with my ADD issues that I don't feel totally incompetent yet my non-ADD friends' incompetence is starting to feel like a burden...y'know, like I'm not the worst offender anymore, but they're not exactly the best at keeping their life timely and organized either...yet they don't relate to walking into a room and forgetting why you went there 3x...and then while you were trying to retrace your steps to remember why you were going into the room, forgetting completely altogether why you were retracing your steps...repeatedly...ugh :p ...and I'm only in my mid-20s...LOL there's just something wrong when you're more "senile" than your parents

...anyway...

Example: who am I to tell them to stop being late to stuff when I was severely perpetually late?

Example: who am I to tell people to pick up after themselves when I used to constantly leave all my stuff all over the place?

Now a majority of these friends happen to be friends I had pre-diagnosis. I actually lost/left a few friendships after my diagnosis because they got angry at me for it (weird, I know, people suck! but it was definitely an eye opener to the quality of those friendships). And actually these leftover friends...long story short: I need a massive friend overhaul but as crappy a support system as they are, it's better than nothing @ this point.

I dunno, I just don't know what to say to these people so that they don't drag me back down where I used to be. And it makes me wonder if pre-diagnosis I was unconsciously surrounding myself with genuinely unreliable people so I wouldn't feel 100% crappy about myself. =T

Thoughts? :confused:

Well sounds like the friends you have weren't really friends at all my dear...because if they "left" you because you helped your self to get better who needs them.


Don't let anyone ever keep you down when you are doing something to better yourself. Have you tried looking up any
ADDA groups in your area? They are support groups for people wiht ADD. You might be able to hook up with some people who understand you and won't mind the little ADD "quirks' we all have.

((( HUGS )))) hang in there. Nothing ever worth while in having comes easy.
ADD not withstanding.

And there are a lot of great people here who are more than willing to be supportive that have been there, and you can help people along the way by understanding and being where you are right now. That feels great, and it's why I have stayed here sooo long.

I have met some incredible people here and made some friends who are there for me, even if they aren't physically here...they are always just an IM or phone call away.

Take care,,,keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. :)

Jacque...

I was reading through one of the articles I get from a Bipolar site..and this made me think of what you are talking about. It's a bit long. So maybe you can copy it to a word documet or copy and paste it to read later, if it's too long to read now..but it makes so much sense....I realize it's talking about Bipolar's in general..but it applies to us all. I happen to have both. And the BPD is relatively new to me..so I am still "learning" so I hope this helps you understand why it's okay that you don't hang around people who don't support you.

Toxic People

What They Are and Why to Avoid Them

by Marcia Purse

Long ago, before I was even diagnosed with depression (my first psychologist had said I was "highly neurotic"), I was a transcriptionist at an insurance company in Iowa. The woman who sat in front of me would sometimes become upset about something that happened and start to talk about quitting. This frightened me because she was the senior transcriptionist and I was a raw beginner who needed her help frequently.

I would try to calm her down but she would rant about everything that was wrong in our department, all of it true because it was not well run. I'd grow more and more unhappy listening to her until she went back to work leaving me feeling bad for some time.

Eventually, I noticed that after she unloaded her anger onto me, she was cheerful. <SCRIPT>zSB(3,3)</SCRIPT>

She had successfully transferred all the negativity to someone else and could continue her day in a better frame of mind. This was the first time I recognized toxicity in another person.

This woman wasn't entirely toxic. She could be gracious and helpful, and in fact, when I had surgery on my arm a few years later, she was the only one of my co-workers to offer assistance with my household chores (she did ALL my accumulated laundry). And once I knew not to absorb her negativity, we had few problems working together. But I'd begun to learn a valuable lesson: there are toxic people in the world.

Who are the severely toxic people?
They are the ones who complain all the time. They are the ones who always blame you. They may always turn things around so things you felt they had done wrong are suddenly your fault. They overreact to bad events.

They drain your energy. It may be that they get you to spend a lot of time and emotional strength trying to cheer them up. They may bombard you with their negativity so that you have to spend energy trying to fend it off. Perhaps their constant pessimism infects you, or they always make you angry. They may be leeches who feed themselves by making you give them your positivity.

People with mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, major depression or even depressive tendencies are particularly susceptible to toxic people. We are more easily triggered than others. When manic or hypomanic, we may be less sensitive to depressive triggers - or we may not. During mixed or depressive episodes, or when we're more or less stable, we are more likely to have a somewhat weaker grip on emotional stability than most people, making it easier for a toxic person to affect our moods. That's not to say that people who do not have mental illnesses can't be affected by the toxicity of others. But we are more vulnerable.

Toxic People in Your Life
Do you know someone who always makes you feel depressed, angry or just plain tired? Think about this person. Is he or she a complainer, or someone who always expects things to go wrong, or someone who constantly finds fault with you? Does he or she always seem more cheerful after ranting to you? If any one or more of these is the case, you likely have a toxic person on your hands.

If you have an easy way to get this person entirely out of your life, you'll be better off instantly. Of course, often it is not so easy, when the toxic person is a co-worker or family member or even a long-time friend. If it's a co-worker, is there a good excuse like "I'm right under an air vent that's chilling me" to get your desk moved? Perhaps you can say, "You really ought to talk to the supervisor/manager about this" and calmly return to doing your work.

With family members and friends, it may be more difficult. A seriously toxic friend may require that you gradually decrease the time you spend with this person over a period of months so it isn't particularly noticeable. When the toxic person is a family member, it may be possible to get the person into therapy, which is often needed to solve the underlying issue behind the negativity. If not, you need to train yourself to "tune out" when the complaining, fault-finding and energy-draining behavior starts.

Toxic Situations
I had a supervisor who used to bring me a pile of two days' worth of work and tell me she wanted it done by 2:00 p.m. I'd look it over, tell her it was impossible, and the fight was on. Sometimes we screamed at each other so loudly that people down at the other end of the floor would stand up to see what was going on. This happened again and again.

When I spoke to a social worker about it, she asked what I was doing to set the supervisor off, as opposed to what the supervisor was doing to set me off. Well, I was always telling her the truth - that there was no way I could get the work done that quickly. But after discussing the situation for some time, we had devised a plan.

The next time my supervisor brought me an impossible stack and said she wanted it done by 2:00 p.m., I said, "I'll try."

And that solved the problem. Never mind that the work wasn't done by the deadline. The important thing was that I had not said "impossible." My supervisor and I never fought over work again.

This supervisor actually wasn't a toxic person, but in this case, the situation was poisonous. In cases like this, the solution may be at your fingertips.

Ultimately, the answer is that you can't change the other person's behavior, but you can change your own. If someone you know always triggers depression, anger or tiredness in you, examine how you react when the negativity starts and see if changing your reaction helps. If your reaction doesn't contribute to the problem, or you can't make such a change, find a way to lessen this person's presence in your life. It will be good for your health.


<!--/gc-->Updated: March 16, 2007

=) thanks for the advice. reading the "toxic friends" article was very insightful, and it made me see things in a new light. and after this weekend (and various other occasions) i'm realizing as much as i yell @ my friends and family, i can't change the way they think...they're always going to think i was in the wrong program at school and that's why my grades sucked, for instance.

...when in reality i cried for almost a week when i made the final decision to stop pursuing a career in international politics...and i still face the same exact problems in art school as i did in traditional school...=P

i think more than anything we ADDers are faced with toxic situations more than toxic friends, thanks to social biases against ADD/ADHD...'cuz i stopped having a tolerance for users and abusers when i was in high school. a majority of my friends nowadays are more like the well-meaning grandma who asks you if you're pregnant when you really just gained a few pounds. can't really get rid of grandma, just have to smile and nod and bite your tongue really hard....

now if i could only control my foot-in-mouth disease, i wouldn't be confronted so often with hostilities towards my dx. =T

oh yeah, and i forgot to mention that's why i started going to this page again...people are really nice here AND understand! =)

Jacque said: "I need a massive friend overhaul but as crappy a support system as they are, it's better than nothing @ this point.
I dunno, I just don't know what to say to these people so that they don't drag me back down where I used to be. And it makes me wonder if pre-diagnosis I was unconsciously surrounding myself with genuinely unreliable people so I wouldn't feel 100% crappy about myself."


I love it! "Massive friend overhaul!" I think many of us here have been through massive friend overhauls. Some were deliberate and some were not. Once the ADD is pin-pointed and treated, those that are your true friends, stay. The others, you didn't need in your life anyway.

As far as surrounding yourself with unrealiable people...I dunno...perhaps it's that with the lack of focus and all, we weren't focused enough to recognize their "toxicity" or could confront it or may be what appeared to them as us being "easily manipulated" or "ditzy"...drew them to us. I have noticed since my treatment, I no longer draw the "rescuers" or the "knights in shining armour" types. Some of these (not all) are really toxic contollers in disguise. So sometimes, nothing IS better than toxic so-called "friends".

Glad to hear it Jacque! Great attitude!

And that is why were are all here. To go to a place, where we "fit" in! And to be around people who get us, and support us, just the quirky little way we are!

:)