Hey I'm 21 and dated a girl for almost a year. Things were going fantastic. Our communication was great, we trusted each other, we got along perfectly, went out a lot, laughed all the time, etc. I treated her like a goddess. I did anything and everything she asked of me. Going to dance rehersals, 4am runs to walgreens for midol, etc. This has been the most meaningful relationship I've had. But also don't get me wrong, I wasn't whipped.. I put my foot down on occasion, but that usually started a fight. Well about two weeks ago we hit a speed bump. We started to argue about pointless things and actually took a couple day breaks from eachother. We got back together last week and I thought things were back to normal, but a few days later I caught her with another guy at her house.. Needless to say I feel like ****. I mean I miss her, but what hurts the most is the feeling of betrayal, getting lied to, and taken advantage of. I feel better today, I've talked to some girls and they've helped a lot. My guy friends suck at relationships, so I haven't gotten much from them.

I'm not really looking for sympathy or anything, because reading a post on the forums doesnt really help, especially since you don't know the entire situation & the type of relationship I had with this girl. I was more looking for advice on how to get through the next couple days. I find it hard to get out and do the things I used to do. Even drinking doesn't sound appealing.

Thanks

The end of any relationship has a mourning period.

Take a couple of days and allow yourself to decompress and "mourn" the loss.
Set yourself a time limit like 48 hours from now or whatever you feel is best...just set a cutoff time and date.

Then when the clock ticks past 48 hours or whatever ask yourself "What am I going to do to make my life better for me?"

Everything happens for a reason: she did you a big favor. You just can't see what the favor is just yet.

I agree with Fightingboredom. I mourned the loss of my first big relationship for three days. For those three days I allowed myself the space to cry as much and as loud as I wanted to. After that I got involved with many activities and took my life back. It was hard, and I was still in pain for months, but in time I got better. Even once you are done with your "mourning day(s)" if you choose to do it like that, you still have to be able to acknowledge your pain, but also acknowledge that you have to force yourself to continue with life.

I personally wouldn't start dating again until you're really ready. Also, I would take this time in between relationships to build your ability to trust again, and to think about your boundaries and limits. It sounds to me that she didn't respect your boundaries enough, and you wanted to please her so much that you allowed them to be crossed, though of course I don't know the whole situation. That situation is entirely understandable for someone experiencing his first important relationship. I am learning a lot right now about these things myself because of situations in my life also where I have bent over backwards to help/please another. If you respect yourself and set boundaries, then you will not allow others to take advantage of your kindness. You may have done it sometimes, but you may in time come to see that you still gave more than you could give.

There's a kind of okay (as in not great) book I picked up that discusses this called 'Facing Co-dependence', but I'm sure there are better ones out there. I didn't used to be a huge fan of these kinds of books (I thought they were kind of cheesy and not worthwhile) but some self-help books can be really great, especially when you are facing heartbreak and want to know how to pick up the pieces. I would recommend browsing through the psychology/self-help section of the bookstore to see if you like any, esp. since you don't have great support from your friends.

Sorry this post ended up being so long. For the attentionally disinclined here is a short summary list:

1)I agree with FightingBoredom-take some days to mourn, then move on

2)Take the opportunity to learn about yourself, regain the ability to trust, and get the next one to respect you

3)A good self help or psychology book may be of great help to you since your friends can't help you much.

(you can tell I just took my adderall:))
Good luck! Let us know how you're doing.

oops, i just re-read the original post and realized you were only talking about the next few days--sorry about that.

Through the hard knocks of broken relationships and broken hearts, I learned that I had to separate the person from the action. I could still love the person, but not what they did. At the same time I had to mourn the loss of the illusion of what the relationship had been at one time, versus the reality of what it had become. I had to question if it was more anguish to hold on or to let go. Sometimes we feel the emotional anguish of holding on is love and to let go means in some way that it wasn't love. I needed to stop fueling the fire and let my tears douse it... feel the pain and learn from it.

Coming from a girl who has hurt her partner, I know what it is like from the other end. I also have a good understanding of what it is like for my boyfriend. It's been tough, it really has been. A lot of guilt, and crying, and misunderstandings, sarcasm and hostility, you name it, we've experienced it.

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I love my boyfriend, despite my mistakes, and I know that he loves me. We have our moments (and I was just going to post about one issue that is affecting our relationship currently), but you get over them. Sometimes you take a step forward, and sometimes you take a step back. It's been hard, very hard. Some days I just don't want to wake up, and I am overwhelmed with a sense of guilt. Buuuut... everything I do now, is for him and for us. I want to be in a committed relationship, and even if it takes more work, and rebuilding, I'm going to be there to see it through so long as he is willing to let me try.

I'm not sure if you want to get back together with your girlfriend. My advise would be, if you really love her, and if she is sorry for her actions and really does love you then she needs to work on regaining and earning your trust. I'm not talking about kissing butt either (although, that might help), I'm talking about open, honest communication and setting boundaries -- however, without being controlling and unfair as that causes tension and guilt. Just don't give up for which ever path you choose, and remember to think about what is best for you in the long run!

We got back together last week and I thought things were back to normal, but a few days later I caught her with another guy at her house..

At the risk of sounding like a total moron when you say another guy at her house are you sure there were any indiscretions. . . I do not need details but I really do suck at assumptions in post. . . .there is the indirect inference that romance was involved in this other guy being at her house but I can not be sure.. . . . I gather the previous poster also saw that she was involved with another man in a sexual manner. I hesitate to automatically see it that way. I mean just because a man is at my house doesn't mean I have having or ever will have any thing sexual going on with him.

Not meant to be stupid just making sure. . .besides what did your girl friend say when this happened? Did she admit to have "relations"?

Gary used to make automatic assumptions like these when we first got together and it turns out that I am not of the same culture as he is in that I can have male friends that are friends. . . . .with the benefit of thier intellectual friendship only. I have seen people jump to conclusions.

A little over ten years ago it came to light that my wife may be having a relationship with my best friend. I of course got angry, bitter and confrintational. and of corse all of this really really helped the healing procsess.:( What i had to do is what my original sponcer in recovery always told me to do. I had to look at what was my part in all of this. I was not giving her the things that she needed and I was not there for her. she was not looking for the physical part of the relationship but was looking for something that filled her on the inside. Then I had to look at how much do I really want to save this relationship and was it worth it. the answer was yes i wanted to save it and yes she was and is more than worth it. The next step was to forgive, mabe not forget, know that she was human and needed more that i was willing or able to give her at the time. That would be my advice to you is to look at the relation ship and find out if you think it would be worth saving or do you need to move on. If you move on really try hard to forgive any how, with out that you may find it hard to trust others and you will have the bitterness sealed up inside of you. those kind of resentments are not good to hold on to. next you need to forgive yourself for any thing that you may have contributed to the problem, and forgive yourself for letting you be hurt. sorry if this was ranting but I know the pain this brings and sometimes glib cliches like there are other fish in the sea(personally I prefere crab and lobster:rolleyes: ) do not help. wish you well and let us know how things are going.

Sorry this post ended up being so long. For the attentionally disinclined here is a short summary list:

1)I agree with FightingBoredom-take some days to mourn, then move on

2)Take the opportunity to learn about yourself, regain the ability to trust, and get the next one to respect you

3)A good self help or psychology book may be of great help to you since your friends can't help you much.

(you can tell I just took my adderall:))
Good luck! Let us know how you're doing.
Dude that is freakin' awesome lol. This forum needs an auto-summarize my post- button, I got about halfway through your post and had a major ADD attack, despite how interesting it seemed I just lost interest, and scrolled down to find a summarization of the post. Kudos to you :)

As for this whole breakup thing, I can't give too much advice. I had my heart broken almost two years ago, since then I have put forth my best efforts to avoid attatchment, and I've been quite happy living the single life. In these past two years I've realized a few things: if I do get attatched, there will be some one else sooner or later, there is no "only person for me" kinda crap, and no matter how unique I find my feelings to be, other people know how I feel. Everyone percieves true love as something almost from a movie, something "near perfect" and yadda yadda, despite small differences in relationships, we all should know how each other feels in some way.

To cheat or be3 cheated on is in my book, one of the worst possible things a person can do, I feel it is tanamount to murder.

First thing you need to do is calmy approach her, and find out what did go on. A relationship is built on trust. She has to be forthcoming, a be believing. If you are not, then you are working against the relationship. You also have to know what you want.

If you do decide to ask her about what happened, let her reveal what she will, don't try to push for more, because pushing for more will push her away.

You are young, so enjoy life. If the relationship is going to end, let it. There are 6+ billion people on the planet, I am sure you will have more relationships. Find someone who gives to the relationship as much as you do, or as much as you want from them, because you admire them, and want to grow to be more like them.

Remember, there is only one person you have to answer too, and that is yourself. Live your life to the fullest, enjoy, and do your best, no one can ask for more.

Take Care, & Have Fun..

PeaB0dy

Dump the piece of trash and move on to someone worthy of your time and energy.
Don't waste another second dealing with a person who is obviously a cunning sociopath.

I am a male, and I get carried away by opportunities to cheat.
Sorry for the trouble you had. But if I cheated it's because I was really impulsive and living for the moment.
You should learn to put it behind you, and move on. If you think he had a reason to do it, put that out of your head! Everyone is different and his reason for cheating may have had little or nothing to do with you as a partner! Its just a thrill seeking activity. I know people who have bought brand new sports cars, and after a year traded it in for something else, not necessarily better! Just a change of scenery something new.
its an unfortunate shame in life, some people can't be satisfied with what they have, ADHD makes u particular interested in changing from 1 to the other and a vicious circle continues.
I tend to avoid relationships because I know that I can't feel the same way each day, boredom kicks in. Since I was 15, I was hoping to feel that intense agonising crush for someone I dated but at 21, I can't seem to feel that same way again for anyone even if they are my dream description. I hate that, because the love feeling is soo soo soo nice, its like the best ritalin kick ever that you need to keep you living life happy, but I can't feel it.

Hope that explains a little to you. It's not you, its him. Try to think deeply about it. Men are dificult for you to understand, but they are lonely sometimes over how they live too

Sorry man, I didn't read properly your post.

Hope you take to heart my previous post. But seriously she was a piece of dirt for that (yeah I'm a guy :D). You move on and get something better.
She's spiteful for that, didn't consider your feelings because when I cheat I am blank minded and I don't know if that sounds stupid or not, but women sometimes I have found seem to look for excuses to justify them cheating like "he listens to who I am". That's a alod of BOLLUX!! If my girlfriend cheated on me, I would feel so down I'd want to die, but keep the chin up mate, you are not alone and ther'es some1 better and more suited to u out there.!