justhope
03-26-07, 08:06 PM
From Inspirational Stories (http://bipolar.about.com/cs/inspiration/index.htm)
by Karen Renken, Guest Author
Many sufferers of Bipolar Disorder describe their mood swings and lives as parallel to being on a roller coaster. For me, that's not the description that comes to mind first. The best way I can describe my illness would be to say that it is like drowning. Your mind, body and spirit are drowning with emotions so extreme that you are physically and mentally are fighting to stay above water.
Just as the drowning person in his desperate struggle will flail around and grasp at anything or anyone to get oxygen into his lungs, I had been grasping for anyone or anything that could save me from my illness. Sometimes you can get yourself out of the "water" for a fleeting moment and begin to breathe, only to go under once again until you are so tired that you collapse and eventually "drown" from exhaustion.
Can you imagine being in that water for twenty-five years without a break? That's how my life was until someone threw me a lifeline.
That lifeline was a book called Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania and its author, Andy Behrman, who I am blessed to call my support system and friend.
I am almost 42 years old, which means that I have been bipolar for two-thirds of my life - a long time to deal with any illness, especially one like this. Although I am grateful not to have been dealt a worse illness such as cancer, being bipolar has hardly been a joyride. I was diagnosed back in the '70s, a time when you kept mental illness "hush, hush," nobody was taking Prozac and it certainly wasn't chic to be seeing an analyst. In fact, it was painfully shameful. There were very few drugs available at the time. I did not respond to lithium (one of the main medications at that time), so I was given awful drugs, sometimes the wrong drugs that made me worse, and suffered through many horrible side effects. Luckily, today there are medications that are much more tolerable and keep me stable.
The worst part was that it was 18 years before medicines became available that changed my life. I am also grateful that after 18 years and after seeing more than 35 psychologists and doctors during my illness, I found a brilliant psychiatrist who actually treats me with respect rather than dealing with me as if I were some type of crazy person with no mind of her own. I will be forever thankful for this relationship. I have told my doctor time and time again that he is not allowed to retire. In so many ways I owe my life to him.
However, living the life of a totally out of control manic depressive takes its toll on one's soul, even if you eventually become totally stabilized on medication and are highly functional. When I lost my judgment because I was "flying high" on my brain chemicals I did things that were dangerous and totally out of character from the way I was raised in am upper middle class Jewish family. My grades plummeted; I put myself and my heart at risk, creating scars as deep as craters. No stabilizing medication, psychologist or support group were able to fill these deep, damaging voids. I defined myself for many years as bipolar first. I did not feel human. I wanted to die many times before I was stabilized - and after because of these scars.
Over the years of my illness I read every biographical and autobiographical account about manic depression that I could get my hands on. I watched television movie dramas on the subject, but they glossed over the gross, indecent, horrifying, life-threatening behaviors that I was acting out in my very own real-life melodrama. The only part where I truly saw myself in these works was in the massive spending sprees. No one was as bad as I was. I was going to therapy for 28 years trying hard to change. I worked at psychotherapy at a feverish pace, wanting more than anything to be normal. I wanted to be free of the horrible situations I kept ending up in that led me to 10-hour crying jags, more self-hatred and screw ups. I was the perfect target and made a great victim. Every time I thought I was seeing some light in my life, those old reminders of my past haunted me. I felt that I needed to explain these behaviors to everyone, whether it was their business or not. I felt like I was telling a huge lie if I didn't. The truth was that by telling those people I was looking for acceptance, when in reality I could not accept myself. I could accept the illness, but I could not live with what the illness had made me do.
I was really getting to the end of my rope when by chance I made another attempt to try and learn more about my disorder, this time using cyberspace. I found a link for more new books about bipolar disorder, and by the grace of God I found a link to Electroboy.com (http://www.electroboy.com/). It happened that I was the first person to respond to the website (the book had not even been published yet). I e-mailed Andy Behrman and was thrilled when he e-mailed me a response the next day. This began a four- year friendship that changed my life. First of all I loved writing and felt ready to write my autobiography by the time I was eighteen. I had such a block because I was too ashamed to write about the things that had happened to me and what I had done. I was so frustrated.
Andy encouraged me and I started writing while he shared with me what he had been through. I tried to be as supportive as I could to him in anticipation of his book coming out.
When Electroboy was finally published, I ran out, bought it and maniacally read it in four hours. It was that much more painful to me because by that time I already knew what a decent and wonderful person Andy Behrman was. I had faith that I could recover more fully because I saw in the book that he had done so successfully. I was grateful that I never had to suffer the horrors of psychosis and shock treatment that Andy had. I had someone that I could share psycho ward stories with, both humorous and horrifying. Most importantly, Andy was so brutally honest about his escapades and behaviors that I finally realized that this was "normal" for someone who suffers with bipolar disorder, and that I was not as abnormal as I thought. Now I could unlock the closet that was loaded with skeletons that had eaten me up, destroying the part of me that was trying so hard to live and love myself.
In March of 2002, I discovered on the website that his book tour was starting in Manhattan. Friends treated me to a limo for my birthday, so that after talking online for a year I could finally go and meet my kindred spirit, Andy Behrman. I am very defensive about his book, as many reviews and people that I know who have read it are "shocked" by it and judge it to be sensationalistic. The truth is, I think Electroboy makes some people uncomfortable because they can't accept their own or their loved one's illness. Many people in our society are afraid of the mentally ill in general. Most of us are not violent, and in my case I hurt myself more than anyone else. Andy Behrman has done a great service for those of use who live with this terrible affliction. I was fortunate to see him two other times over the last three years at two other book signings.
I treasure our friendship. Having a bipolar friend who I could actually relate to has been amazing. Andy really understands first-hand what I go through, and I understand him. We accept each other unconditionally, and just the fact that Andy was able to write and publish this great work showed me that bipolar individuals can function and accomplish amazing things. I now feel that I am in the best of company; I embrace my illness rather than despise myself. I will forever be grateful for his wisdom, love and honesty in his writing and most of all for being my most compassionate true friend.
( I get a weekly newsletter and this is one of the articles)
"Kimberly Read & Marcia Purse - About.com Bipolar Disorder Guide
"Sponsored Links
Symptoms of BipolarLook for Bipolar and Manic Depression Symptomswww.treat-bipolar-disorder.com (http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/iclk?sa=l&ai=BBs0pkEwIRo7gMYqS4ALF-eT3B_STzBS0t9rZAsCNtwGwvRAQARgBIKil9wEoCDAAOABQqs_ ykgNgyZbCi8Sk_A-YAdOQsa8CqgEccHJpbWVkaWFfYmlwb2xhcit0ZXN0OSt0ZXN0M bIBEWJpcG9sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tyAEB2gE5aHR0cDovL2JpcG9 sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tL2NzL2luc3BpcmF0aW9uL2Eva2FyZW5yZ W5rZW4uaHRtqAMBuAMB&num=1&adurl=http://www.treat-bipolar-disorder.com&client=ca-primedia-premium_js)
Are You Bipolar?Find out about Bipolar and Depression Symptomswww.Bipolar-Disorder-Treatment.com (http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/iclk?sa=l&ai=Bhl80kEwIRo7gMYqS4ALF-eT3B6D8kBaEy9rEAsCNtwGA4gkQAhgCIKil9wEoCDAAOABQkpH Lofn_____AWDJlsKLxKT8D5gB05CxrwKqARxwcmltZWRpYV9ia XBvbGFyK3Rlc3Q5K3Rlc3QxsgERYmlwb2xhci5hYm91dC5jb23 IAQHaATlodHRwOi8vYmlwb2xhci5hYm91dC5jb20vY3MvaW5zc GlyYXRpb24vYS9rYXJlbnJlbmtlbi5odG2oAwG4AwE&num=2&adurl=http://www.bipolar-disorder-treatment.com&client=ca-primedia-premium_js)
Fighting Bipolar ? I Did.How I got my life back and learned to manage bipolar disorder.www.BipolarHappens.com/Hope (http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/iclk?sa=l&ai=BopXGzkwIRsOvJ6XO4QK4l-D3B7is9w6838nPAsCNtwHgtg0QAhgCIKil9wEoCDAAOABQktui xgFgyZbCi8Sk_A-YAYPXggKgAYuPwv8DqgEccHJpbWVkaWFfYmlwb2xhcit0ZXN0O St0ZXN0MbIBEWJpcG9sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tyAEB2gE7aHR0cDo vL2JpcG9sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tL2NzL2luc3BpcmF0aW9uL2Eva 2FyZW5yZW5rZW5fMi5odG2AAgGoAwG4AwE&num=2&ggladgrp=248784492&gglcreat=612123792&adurl=http://www.bipolarhappens.com/hc.php%3Fsource%3Dadwords&client=ca-primedia-premium_js)
About Bipolar Disorder's Review of Electroboy: It's a Must Read (http://addforums.com/library/books/aafpr-electroboy.htm)
Selection from Electroboy (http://addforums.com/library/books/bl-electroboy-oz.htm) (reprinted with author's permission)
by Karen Renken, Guest Author
Many sufferers of Bipolar Disorder describe their mood swings and lives as parallel to being on a roller coaster. For me, that's not the description that comes to mind first. The best way I can describe my illness would be to say that it is like drowning. Your mind, body and spirit are drowning with emotions so extreme that you are physically and mentally are fighting to stay above water.
Just as the drowning person in his desperate struggle will flail around and grasp at anything or anyone to get oxygen into his lungs, I had been grasping for anyone or anything that could save me from my illness. Sometimes you can get yourself out of the "water" for a fleeting moment and begin to breathe, only to go under once again until you are so tired that you collapse and eventually "drown" from exhaustion.
Can you imagine being in that water for twenty-five years without a break? That's how my life was until someone threw me a lifeline.
That lifeline was a book called Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania and its author, Andy Behrman, who I am blessed to call my support system and friend.
I am almost 42 years old, which means that I have been bipolar for two-thirds of my life - a long time to deal with any illness, especially one like this. Although I am grateful not to have been dealt a worse illness such as cancer, being bipolar has hardly been a joyride. I was diagnosed back in the '70s, a time when you kept mental illness "hush, hush," nobody was taking Prozac and it certainly wasn't chic to be seeing an analyst. In fact, it was painfully shameful. There were very few drugs available at the time. I did not respond to lithium (one of the main medications at that time), so I was given awful drugs, sometimes the wrong drugs that made me worse, and suffered through many horrible side effects. Luckily, today there are medications that are much more tolerable and keep me stable.
The worst part was that it was 18 years before medicines became available that changed my life. I am also grateful that after 18 years and after seeing more than 35 psychologists and doctors during my illness, I found a brilliant psychiatrist who actually treats me with respect rather than dealing with me as if I were some type of crazy person with no mind of her own. I will be forever thankful for this relationship. I have told my doctor time and time again that he is not allowed to retire. In so many ways I owe my life to him.
However, living the life of a totally out of control manic depressive takes its toll on one's soul, even if you eventually become totally stabilized on medication and are highly functional. When I lost my judgment because I was "flying high" on my brain chemicals I did things that were dangerous and totally out of character from the way I was raised in am upper middle class Jewish family. My grades plummeted; I put myself and my heart at risk, creating scars as deep as craters. No stabilizing medication, psychologist or support group were able to fill these deep, damaging voids. I defined myself for many years as bipolar first. I did not feel human. I wanted to die many times before I was stabilized - and after because of these scars.
Over the years of my illness I read every biographical and autobiographical account about manic depression that I could get my hands on. I watched television movie dramas on the subject, but they glossed over the gross, indecent, horrifying, life-threatening behaviors that I was acting out in my very own real-life melodrama. The only part where I truly saw myself in these works was in the massive spending sprees. No one was as bad as I was. I was going to therapy for 28 years trying hard to change. I worked at psychotherapy at a feverish pace, wanting more than anything to be normal. I wanted to be free of the horrible situations I kept ending up in that led me to 10-hour crying jags, more self-hatred and screw ups. I was the perfect target and made a great victim. Every time I thought I was seeing some light in my life, those old reminders of my past haunted me. I felt that I needed to explain these behaviors to everyone, whether it was their business or not. I felt like I was telling a huge lie if I didn't. The truth was that by telling those people I was looking for acceptance, when in reality I could not accept myself. I could accept the illness, but I could not live with what the illness had made me do.
I was really getting to the end of my rope when by chance I made another attempt to try and learn more about my disorder, this time using cyberspace. I found a link for more new books about bipolar disorder, and by the grace of God I found a link to Electroboy.com (http://www.electroboy.com/). It happened that I was the first person to respond to the website (the book had not even been published yet). I e-mailed Andy Behrman and was thrilled when he e-mailed me a response the next day. This began a four- year friendship that changed my life. First of all I loved writing and felt ready to write my autobiography by the time I was eighteen. I had such a block because I was too ashamed to write about the things that had happened to me and what I had done. I was so frustrated.
Andy encouraged me and I started writing while he shared with me what he had been through. I tried to be as supportive as I could to him in anticipation of his book coming out.
When Electroboy was finally published, I ran out, bought it and maniacally read it in four hours. It was that much more painful to me because by that time I already knew what a decent and wonderful person Andy Behrman was. I had faith that I could recover more fully because I saw in the book that he had done so successfully. I was grateful that I never had to suffer the horrors of psychosis and shock treatment that Andy had. I had someone that I could share psycho ward stories with, both humorous and horrifying. Most importantly, Andy was so brutally honest about his escapades and behaviors that I finally realized that this was "normal" for someone who suffers with bipolar disorder, and that I was not as abnormal as I thought. Now I could unlock the closet that was loaded with skeletons that had eaten me up, destroying the part of me that was trying so hard to live and love myself.
In March of 2002, I discovered on the website that his book tour was starting in Manhattan. Friends treated me to a limo for my birthday, so that after talking online for a year I could finally go and meet my kindred spirit, Andy Behrman. I am very defensive about his book, as many reviews and people that I know who have read it are "shocked" by it and judge it to be sensationalistic. The truth is, I think Electroboy makes some people uncomfortable because they can't accept their own or their loved one's illness. Many people in our society are afraid of the mentally ill in general. Most of us are not violent, and in my case I hurt myself more than anyone else. Andy Behrman has done a great service for those of use who live with this terrible affliction. I was fortunate to see him two other times over the last three years at two other book signings.
I treasure our friendship. Having a bipolar friend who I could actually relate to has been amazing. Andy really understands first-hand what I go through, and I understand him. We accept each other unconditionally, and just the fact that Andy was able to write and publish this great work showed me that bipolar individuals can function and accomplish amazing things. I now feel that I am in the best of company; I embrace my illness rather than despise myself. I will forever be grateful for his wisdom, love and honesty in his writing and most of all for being my most compassionate true friend.
( I get a weekly newsletter and this is one of the articles)
"Kimberly Read & Marcia Purse - About.com Bipolar Disorder Guide
"Sponsored Links
Symptoms of BipolarLook for Bipolar and Manic Depression Symptomswww.treat-bipolar-disorder.com (http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/iclk?sa=l&ai=BBs0pkEwIRo7gMYqS4ALF-eT3B_STzBS0t9rZAsCNtwGwvRAQARgBIKil9wEoCDAAOABQqs_ ykgNgyZbCi8Sk_A-YAdOQsa8CqgEccHJpbWVkaWFfYmlwb2xhcit0ZXN0OSt0ZXN0M bIBEWJpcG9sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tyAEB2gE5aHR0cDovL2JpcG9 sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tL2NzL2luc3BpcmF0aW9uL2Eva2FyZW5yZ W5rZW4uaHRtqAMBuAMB&num=1&adurl=http://www.treat-bipolar-disorder.com&client=ca-primedia-premium_js)
Are You Bipolar?Find out about Bipolar and Depression Symptomswww.Bipolar-Disorder-Treatment.com (http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/iclk?sa=l&ai=Bhl80kEwIRo7gMYqS4ALF-eT3B6D8kBaEy9rEAsCNtwGA4gkQAhgCIKil9wEoCDAAOABQkpH Lofn_____AWDJlsKLxKT8D5gB05CxrwKqARxwcmltZWRpYV9ia XBvbGFyK3Rlc3Q5K3Rlc3QxsgERYmlwb2xhci5hYm91dC5jb23 IAQHaATlodHRwOi8vYmlwb2xhci5hYm91dC5jb20vY3MvaW5zc GlyYXRpb24vYS9rYXJlbnJlbmtlbi5odG2oAwG4AwE&num=2&adurl=http://www.bipolar-disorder-treatment.com&client=ca-primedia-premium_js)
Fighting Bipolar ? I Did.How I got my life back and learned to manage bipolar disorder.www.BipolarHappens.com/Hope (http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/iclk?sa=l&ai=BopXGzkwIRsOvJ6XO4QK4l-D3B7is9w6838nPAsCNtwHgtg0QAhgCIKil9wEoCDAAOABQktui xgFgyZbCi8Sk_A-YAYPXggKgAYuPwv8DqgEccHJpbWVkaWFfYmlwb2xhcit0ZXN0O St0ZXN0MbIBEWJpcG9sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tyAEB2gE7aHR0cDo vL2JpcG9sYXIuYWJvdXQuY29tL2NzL2luc3BpcmF0aW9uL2Eva 2FyZW5yZW5rZW5fMi5odG2AAgGoAwG4AwE&num=2&ggladgrp=248784492&gglcreat=612123792&adurl=http://www.bipolarhappens.com/hc.php%3Fsource%3Dadwords&client=ca-primedia-premium_js)
About Bipolar Disorder's Review of Electroboy: It's a Must Read (http://addforums.com/library/books/aafpr-electroboy.htm)
Selection from Electroboy (http://addforums.com/library/books/bl-electroboy-oz.htm) (reprinted with author's permission)