I have several friends who have ADD or at least strong traits, and they still manage to keep their temper under control.
In the first place I am not even properly dxed with ADD, so I can't rightfully say "partly its the ADD".
If my ADD friends can keep their temper under control although they are very stressed or upset there isn't any reason why I can't do the same. No excuse.

In the last 8-9 months, my temper has been on an upward climb. I don't feel irritable at every single little thing which probably suggests I can control it, but when it is something that does get me upset, potentially lose my rag then I will lose it. Or, once I get into a certain state of mind brought on by being overwhelmed, moody or whatever, I get physically and mentally irritableand then all I can think about is acting out and making the situation as bad as bad can be, with no regard for other people.
When its over I genuinely apologise and try to make it up but by then the damage has been done. And what's the point if you're just going to do it again? :(
I ruined a situation which I tried so, so hard to not ruin. there's some spiritual stuff thrown into the mix in this which doubles my disappointment and anger but this obv isn't the right forum to post it in...It was my chance at finally attaining some measure of peace, to do something right. It was that important, soemthing that was very close to my heart that I knew if I ruined, I would not be at peace with myself. I would not be able to live with it. I would be able to survive, with it, exist, not live. Please don't tell me "The past is past, you can't change the past, you just have to move forward. Let go." because I knew that was precisely what I would hear if I didnt come out of it right, and i didnt want that. I just needed that one memory to be good for once. where i could say, i did right. you can always do better on hindsight of course, but for once, i wanted to be able to look back and smile. I dont know how to make it right.

I had 3 months, the entire process, to make it right, to redeem myself.
but i kept acting out over and over again. when each acting out episode was over i genuinely tried to say, okay, we're going to fix it, this is how i will remind myself not to do this, this is how i will recognise what and when it is going to happen and then warn the other person and maybe walk away for a while. tried all kinds of coping strategies. steeled myself to recognise and remember. tried to change my mindset and perspective but my selfishness got in the way i guess.
But once I got into that mood, all that just took a backseat. I just wanted to make things worse (?!) like I knew what I could do but I just didnt care at that point,even though i knew right at the back of my mind I would care later. Like, I could control it if I wanted to, but the part of me that would control it and really want to control it was kind of pushed away. One of the ugliest episodes ever my friend later said I was so mad that she thought I was under demonic oppression. Unfortunately I wasn't, at least then it wouldn't have been completely my fault.
With so many things in my life, I know I tried my best in a way, but at the same time it's like I didn't try at all.
I've seen and gotten angry and disturbed at emotionally abusive relationships. and yet i cant be better. i tried and failed at something that meant so much to me. not superficially... but... arr its hard to explain. because of this my anger is just climbing and climbing.
im shutting myself away because i can no longer be a proper friend. i am becoming, or have already become a toxic friend and i have to stay away.

With me...the size of my explosion of frustrated rage at a minor issue is directly related to how much I want the objective I'm working toward with the usual result I never achieve my goals.

My therapist is working on this and probably will for quite a while, it may be a self esteem thing and a fear of success, a reinforcement of my lack of worth that I've had for my whole life......supported by numerous "could do better", "not fulfilling potential" reports and appraisals....

Yup something in me just can't stop tripping me up and its just so unbelievably frustrating......so i go and rip the head off the boss of my dream job.

I'm not diagnosed yet.....the UK's not the easiest place for that but I go to a clinical hypnotherapist and that's helping......it doesn't matter what label's on your notes..as long as the advice and support helps you go the way you want to go.

Thanks for your story, kilted_scotsman. My frustration is at all sorts of things, not ADD related, a lot of it having to do with me being unable to be the person i want to be, to be able to do things so I won't regret them.


With me...the size of my explosion of frustrated rage at a minor issue is directly related to how much I want the objective I'm working toward with the usual result I never achieve my goals.

My therapist is working on this and probably will for quite a while, it may be a self esteem thing and a fear of success, a reinforcement of my lack of worth that I've had for my whole life......supported by numerous "could do better", "not fulfilling potential" reports and appraisals....

Yup something in me just can't stop tripping me up and its just so unbelievably frustrating......so i go and rip the head off the boss of my dream job.

I'm not diagnosed yet.....the UK's not the easiest place for that but I go to a clinical hypnotherapist and that's helping......it doesn't matter what label's on your notes..as long as the advice and support helps you go the way you want to go.

I do that when i argue with my partner - i just feel so helpless and hopeless at trying to stop it. when i get upset over something i will push the argument and make it as ugly as i can even though i know i'm only hurting myself and him and it feels like i am completely incapable of stopping it. i can't believe the things i say and how irrational i become - it is almost like a physical reaction in my brain and i can't stop...then an hour later i'm fine and i'm rational and i end up with terrible headaches.

i used to have a very bad temper when i was younger but this has somehow turned more "inwards" and it manifests in me being totally negative and just feeling like there is no solution and no hope and being completely convinced that everything is sh*t. In arguments i really go to a very dark place and it isn't nice. I think part of it is that i don't know how to handle conflict well and i take everything too personal and literal.

Like i said, it only lasts a little while and then i'm fine again - but the outfall isn't nice for my partner. But i am more and more aware that there is a real physical component playing itself out.

Hey Lurker, is it possible you have another medical condition that's causing your temper flare-ups?

Kilted Scotsman, what's "Fear of Success"? I've heard that before...as a self-defeating behavior. but I've never seen it really described.

Thanks!

Irritability is also a symptom of depression. If you feel up to looking into that possibility, well - I can tell you that for ME, it eventually was extremely helpful. And sometimes some people find that the newer (w/less side effects) medications for depression really help "tame that beast." Also just having someone to talk to (if they're GOOD) can help too.

Things WILL get better. Just remember that.

Wishing you all the best,
Sue

thanks guys for all your posts!
Moody blonde, Bipolar II as a possibility was brought up by a fellow very helpful forumer on here. I am looking further into it however one inconsitency with what I go through is that I don't have a cycle of mood patterns in that sense although my moods can swing a lot. Quite a lot are "issue" based, others on annoyances that cause me to go into fight or flight mode-- that honestly at other times I wouldnt bother about.
Also the thing is that this isn't completely uncontrollable; either 1) by the time I rememeber and quickly catch myself the damage has been done or 2) once I'm in that stage while I can control it, I'm also at that stage where I no longer care to, and want to destroy the situation, almost to make myself feel better (??):(
Im always genuinely sorry after it but whats the point?
Sloppitty sue, Ive gone through depressive states but I guess its probably not depression because it happens when I'm actually in a good mood or even during a happy period in my life.

Question is, how do you differentiate between a mood disorder and self centredness/ not caring about people's feelings enough to be careful not to hurt them?

you'll get over the overquestioning of everything as you adjust to it. Adaptability rids that and with ADHD it makes it easier for most of us I believe, to adapt easier than non- ADDer's to the changes we make in different ways.

There is no magic pill. Medication helps, but people sometimes need to learn strategies to deal with anger, fighting fair and being assertive rather than aggressive.

...Bipolar II as a possibility....

I also thought about BP II after reading your posts...you might also look into Cyclothymia...?? :confused:


If my ADD friends can keep their temper under control although they are very stressed or upset there isn't any reason why I can't do the same. No excuse.

Are they taking meds? The understimulated part of the brain that's supposed to control impulsivity (thus severe anger outbursts, at least in part) often wakes up and does its job when an ADDer takes the right dose of meds. If they are taking meds, and if that's what's playing a big part in their ability to keep their cool, then I'm not sure you should compare your level of control with theirs. They have a seatbelt, and you're currently driving without one. It does not seem fair to me for you to keep using that comparison as an excuse to be pi**ed off at yourself. :)


Or, once I get into a certain state of mind brought on by being overwhelmed, moody or whatever, I get physically and mentally irritableand then all I can think about is acting out and making the situation as bad as bad can be, with no regard for other people.

Severe irritability is not only a symptom of a depressive episode, it's also a symptom of a hypomanic episode, which is psychiatrists' fancy talk for being in a mood that's excessively happy, over-euphoric, or excessively grouchy. This hypomania business shows up in BP I, BP II, and Cyclothymia. Do you blow up when you're alone too, or is it only when there's someone around--or when there's about to be someone around?


Also the thing is that this isn't completely uncontrollable; either 1) by the time I rememeber and quickly catch myself the damage has been done or 2) once I'm in that stage while I can control it, I'm also at that stage where I no longer care to, and want to destroy the situation, almost to make myself feel better (??) Im always genuinely sorry after it but whats the point?

You're asking what the point is in feeling sorry after destroying the situation, right? What all do you feel sorry for? How you acted? How it made you feel to act the way you did? How your actions made the other person feel?

If you believe you're choosing not to control your emotions, then what are you choosing to control? If I understand what you're saying, you feel like even when you are feeling up to the challenge of temper control, your stronger feeling (the one that usually wins) is the one that's saying that controlling your temper or not controlling it really isn't going to matter anyway (to whom, by the way?), and therefore it will feel better to put energy into destroying the whole conversation/situation. So instead you control how the whole situation ends...like being the director calling the shots in your own scene. Could the point of destroying the situation be if you can't control your temper, at least you'll be able to control something: how the situation ended?


how do you differentiate between a mood disorder and self centredness/ not caring about people's feelings enough to be careful not to hurt them?

"Mood disorder" means there is a physiological issue present in the brain. "Self-centered" means being human, to me anyway. "Not caring about people's feelings enough to be careful not to hurt them" sounds a little like narcissism to me. But there is absolutely NO WAY you or anyone could convince me you're a narcissist! A true narcissist would never come on to these forums asking for advice, help, information, and support. A true narcissist would probably never come on these forums in the first place--no "live" audience to manipulate with sob stories about how s/he's the victim here.... :rolleyes:

The answers are out there, but they may just be somewhere you haven't looked yet.

Onward~
smooch

I have the exact same issue, It has always been there, whether it's related to ADD, or just additional I have no idea.

I can get so angry, so hurtful, spiteful.

The weirdest thing is... these rages are the clearest moments of my life, I am in total control, everything makes sense to me, I feel convinced of my arguments (the rage is all verbal - not physical) and I leave no sensitive subject alone.

Then something very wierd happens, it all just disappears, often mid sentance, I suddenly get perspective on what I am doing and cannot understand why I have just behaved so badly. Then in teh days after it I cannot remember hardly any of what was said.

My only analogy is..... Its like having a vivid dream in the dream you are doing something and it makes total sense. suddenly you become aware of the fact that you are doing something that you would normally despise, and the horror hits you, but its too late.

I had another one of these rages recently - directed at my wife - and for no real reason at all. My kids saw/heard it, which is totally unforgivable, and which only adds to my bitter shame.

This time, for the first time, I was issued an ultimatum, "not one more... stop or I'm gone"

The thought of losing my family has me terrified, I would rather medicate myself into a zombie state than lose them. These rages are fairly rare 2-3 a year, but their effect is long lasting and cumulative.

The most terrifying thing is that I reall yonly become aware of what I am doing way too late to do anything about it. I have had maybe 30 of these fights with my wife in 10 years. (and plenty more with other people) How am I going to stop myself from doing it again? What chance to I have? very little, I guess, based on past experience.

If I lose my family the next step will, no exaggeration, be out in front of a bus. I've been on anti-depressents to cope with it - but they do nothing to stop the big rages. just take the edge off the day-to-day stuff.

I'm tempted to try hypnotherapy - I want to re-program myself - can that work?

Anyway Lurker I feel your pain deeply, I only wish I had some help to give you. Maybe being in company will ease your self loathing. I don't think your actions are selfish, why would anyone act in a way that only results in torture for themself out of self-interest.

I get the same way, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder. (not suicidal or self injury type) The BPD is mostly what causes the over impulsive rages where I can not control my mind. It's like I say what's on my mind without thinking of the consequences and at the time I don't care about them. After, I always feel bad and hate myself for saying/doing what I've done. I'm on meds for ADHD, and going to Therapy for the BPD and also ADHD coping skills.

But there is absolutely NO WAY you or anyone could convince me you're a narcissist! A true narcissist would never come on to these forums asking for advice, help, information, and support. A true narcissist would probably never come on these forums in the first place--no "live" audience to manipulate with sob stories about how s/he's the victim here.... :rolleyes:


Onward~
smooch
Ain't that the truth?!!! Narcissist believe they don't "need" help. In their eyes, it's everyone else who is screwed up!

I never realized what was causing my tantrums when i was younger, but, for me, now I think it's because of.....

"fear"

I was fearing or not having control of a situation with my mom, dad, place, or whatever that made my adrenaline run wild even before an argument or whatever broke out.

I found out I was causing a lot of craziness cause I was already perceiving or expecting something bad was going to happen. So my mood automatically turned irritable, and I believe people's energies affect other people around them. So all it took was either mine or the other person's energy to be in "crazy conflict" mode and wham, it would ignite the other person to be like that, too.

I try to tell myself....

"You are about to enter a situation that was dicey before, and I can't control the other person, I can only control myself. I can't really control how I'm feeling at the moment, cause if I'm angry, then I'm angry, if I'm sad, then I'm sad, but what I can try to control a lot of my 'actions' towards the other person."

Another thing......

maybe we have a lot of stored up energy that needs to be released from our bodies. Just like how releasing anger outwardly, if we can release it with (brace yourself) with exercise (gulp, noooo!!! not exercise!!). But seriously, I hear a lot of people who have pent up energy in them and after working out, most of it is released so when we are in the usual bad situation where it causes us to act out viciously to others, there isn't as much adrenaline left in us to do it.

I also believe what one eats has a lot to do with losing temper. (oh nooo!! I have to watch what i eat, too!? NOOO!!)

Hi Lurker: Please don't give up. I'm married to someone with ADD and have experienced this side of the furious, angry arguments, etc. And yes, it feels horrible to me, but I'm not sure I've ever really seen how ADD people feel about it. thank you for the posts. I would imagine you do have ADD, otherwise, why are you attracted to and hanging around this place? After he was diagnosed (quite late) with ADD, he was also diagnosed with depression. I don't know what the latest definition is, but maybe you are depressed. In any case, Wellbutrin has changed him. He no longer goes to the depths he used to. He actually says "thank you" to me, and "I'm sorry." He doesn't have angry fits, or hasn't in quite a while. Maybe you're like that too, and a drug like that could turn your life around. I hope you find something that will give you an "edge," or buy you some time when you get angry, so you can see it coming and turn away from it. Be sure to look at all your options.

Hmm, sounds familiar Lurker. I concur with the others who said there might be a possibility of Bipolar II with ADD mixed in there.

It's very difficult for someone with ADD to reflect upon their own behavior over time and note that there is a cyclical pattern to their moods -- so you might have a cyclical pattern and haven't noticed. I find that with me, irritability is one of the main signs of both depression and hypomania/the "up" side in bipolar.

It's kind of like having a seasonal allergy and the temper flare-up is the sneeze. The mood disorder is the "allergic sensitivity" and the anger is the allergen. You are in a situation where something makes you angry. At certain times, when you aren't sensitive to it, it'll just roll off your back -- you might not even notice it. Then, the cycle starts again, and you are once more sensitized to it. A stimulus that wouldn't have bothered you at all just a little while ago bothers you tremendously.

Ugh, sort of a lame analogy, but what I'm getting at is that you are vulnerable to reacting to the anger and the mood disorder makes you supersensitive to it -- especially, in the case of BP II, reacting to any interpersonal episode that makes you feel rejected or slighted in some manner.

The other problem is, when you have ADD or a mood disorder, you are so used to feeling unfocused, angry, out of whack, or off kilter, that anger and temper tantrums can feel very good at the time so it's tempting to just kind of give in-- the anger is focusing, and the flare-up is a release of tension that happens over time from attempting to rein in your impulses constantly (sort of like, when you try to suppress a sneeze that your allergies bring on -- it's distracting and irritating to try not to sneeze, but once you do, you feel so much better). The problem is, you end up raging at the people around you and ruining the very relationships that offer you support.

There could also very much be a spiritual component too. I'm a believer in Jesus and in what he taught about a supernatural world of good and evil angels. There could be what we call a "stronghold" of anger in your life. In other words, because of choices you've made in the past, there could be an area of sin that you are particularly vulnerable to, such as anger. If you had traumatic experiences in your life and chose to protect yourself via anger, you may be using it as a protective mechanism though it may not be the most productive thing to do now. Only you know for sure, of course.

You may benefit from a mood stabilizer or, like a pp said, something like Wellbutrin which is an atypical antidepressant. Sort of like people with allergies take antihistamines, we with brains that don't work altogether functionally can take medications to help us --although there is unfortunately a stigma for some reason. I found it MUCH easier to be kind to those around me when I was taking a combination of Lamictal (a great mood stabilizer) and Wellbutrin.

Ain't that the truth?!!! Narcissist believe they don't "need" help. In their eyes, it's everyone else who is screwed up!


Oh, you betcha! Seems like I've run into a lot of that type of people lately.... Heh!

Im always a happy guy or i try to be all the time. When im happy im realllllllly happy:D and when im down im realllllly down:faint:


and sometimes i get in these moods that even the smallest thing will set me off, i had a buddy who threw a junk of meat at my face as a joke and for some reason i went ballistic. Which means he had to seek shelter, lol. Or a group of people ****es me off i ignore the whole group of them for an extended period of time, even when they try and make peace

Could i possibly be slightly bi polar or just be crazy?

I met a guy once who was court ordered into anger management. I thought, in being supportive I would join the counseling sessions. I was an 'innocent bystander.' so I thought. I was told that I would need long-term therapy to address the root cause of my anger issues. That was a rude awakening.:eyebrow:

Ok, so over the years it has been a process of 'self discipline.' I had lots of self imposed wreckages I had to continuously clean up. It got to the point where I was in a rage and saw how I self talked my way into a full blown rage. I felt that every cell in my body was raging. I started learning to self talk myself in redirecting my thoughts of more productive ways. This may sound insane (of which I have been accused of), but I picture walking around the target of my rage and jumping into the ocean, or running through the rain. Something, anything to distract my senses. :cool:

Another self discipline is NOT saying something I can't take back. If it is in my mind to say, I ask myself if I mean it and mean to say it to hurt. If so, I access how it would feel if someone else were saying or doing the same to me. Lastly, I ask myself if I am willing to face the consequences of my words or actions. :eek:

The most important things is: Sorry's cease to have any meaning if you keep on doing or saying what you do. Also, it is not old behavior if you are still doing it.:soapbox:

I have also have had to stop and take a look at what people saw when I was in one of my rages. I did not like the thought of that... very ugly.:mad:

I was in a rage and saw how I self talked my way into a full blown rage


is this a sympton of ADHD cause i do this too:mad:

I have had 'anger issue' for a very long time...

I have been through years of therapy of sorts... and finally struggled with a 12 step program (AA). It took time, age, and maturing in sobriety to allow me to drudge up the past to look at how buried memories were effecting my life today and to look at my lashing out and raging.

Working on my past was tough... and has been a personal quest in how to interact with the here and now. Awareness is the first step, it is the action that follows that makes the difference.

thanks guys for all your posts!
Moody blonde, Bipolar II as a possibility was brought up by a fellow very helpful forumer on here. I am looking further into it however one inconsitency with what I go through is that I don't have a cycle of mood patterns in that sense although my moods can swing a lot. Quite a lot are "issue" based, others on annoyances that cause me to go into fight or flight mode-- that honestly at other times I wouldnt bother about.
Also the thing is that this isn't completely uncontrollable; either 1) by the time I rememeber and quickly catch myself the damage has been done or 2) once I'm in that stage while I can control it, I'm also at that stage where I no longer care to, and want to destroy the situation, almost to make myself feel better (??):(
Im always genuinely sorry after it but whats the point?
Sloppitty sue, Ive gone through depressive states but I guess its probably not depression because it happens when I'm actually in a good mood or even during a happy period in my life.

Question is, how do you differentiate between a mood disorder and self centredness/ not caring about people's feelings enough to be careful not to hurt them?My ADD is getting the best of me, and I am not sure I will be able to read this ENTIRE thread, but Dang Nab It Lurker, you could be writting about me! This is EXACTLY the type of thing that caused my separation between my wife and I! My shrink thinks I am bi-bolar with ADD, my therapist disagrees, and believes it is simply ADD with depression and anxiety. I agree with my therapist. My therapist has been seeing my weekly for over two years, and, well, I just agree with her. I would not say I normally have a bad temper, I would absolutely agree that it is much more situational.

I am seeing the doctor tomorrow, and again, I am going to plead with him to put me either back on concerta, or if he is that afraid of the addtional anxiety, ritalin because it has a much shorter effect, and therefore if there is sever anxiety, at the very least it should fade much quicker.

I am just SO impatient to start the medication again, after finally understanding and accepting my ADD. While I feel bad that other people are suffering, I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to know that, at the very least, I am not alone with these situations.

The weirdest thing is... these rages are the clearest moments of my life, I am in total control, everything makes sense to me, I feel convinced of my arguments (the rage is all verbal - not physical) and I leave no sensitive subject alone.

Then something very wierd happens, it all just disappears, often mid sentance, I suddenly get perspective on what I am doing and cannot understand why I have just behaved so badly. Then in teh days after it I cannot remember hardly any of what was said.

That is totally me!

In a fight I will cut deep and say anything I know that will hurt the person on any issue. I know exactly what to say to make a person question themselves for weeks.

But as soon as the words leave my mouth, I'm over it. I'm fine and the anger is pretty much gone (with maybe a little lingering feeling). I do however have this huge high coming off of the rage I just spewed.

But then I'll forget everything I said within a day or two. I'll forget we even had the conversation, and my friends will tell me a year or two later (yes it effected them that badly) how much I hurt their feelings with what I said.

Geez, how 'bout you tell me the next day when it's already partially forgotton so I can apologize?

In a fight I will cut deep and say anything I know that will hurt the person on any issue. I know exactly what to say to make a person question themselves for weeks.

thats me too, usually whenever, however, and wherever im doing my thing at work, school, home whereever. It seems when i get into conflict my mind stops procrastinating with itself and the conflict kinda settles my mind ( i think of rock bottam or a sudden silence). Then when im in a conflict i think systematically on how to dismantle the other guys attack on me (verbal or physical). Most of the time if i stay in this mode peoples feelings get hurt and they aint mine lol.

thats my opinion if thats what you mean

But im a good guy and good hearted, but i stand up for myself i dont take **** and when people bring conflict to me i take them to different levels.:eyebrow:

I am very systematic in an argument. I have stockpiles of info from the past and as soon as the fight begins I'm on it.

Sometimes I push the line though. No, I more than push it...I run right past it at full speed. And I don't realize how effective that statement was until it leaves my lips and the person's face turns from anger to extreme hurt because I got them right in the soft spot.

Now do I do this on purpose? No, I consider myself to be a nice person with a good heart, but if someone insults me or yells at me I feel like I have to protect myself, even if it is just verbally.

....it's kinda like I don't want to be thought of as stupid for not having a comeback.

....it's kinda like I don't want to be thought of as stupid for not having a comeback.I have come to understand the meaning of "choosing my battles wisely." In addition, not to say words that I cannot take back. Sometimes the harm done by my words far exceed the 'battle' as it is. The truth is I needed to stop and question, am I battling them or am I battling self? Abuse comes in all forms and I had to accept the fact that my 'smart quick witted comebacks' were abusive if they were said as comebacks, to hurt, or to protect my ego. Love is not Abuse and Abuse is not Love... I say that, as my behaviors were the same when I got into relationships.

I dunno i try and not get mad but when people say im stupid i get right ****ed off inside and sometimes it shows. Its just that as a child the normal kids made fun of me and it got hardwired into me. And when people say im stupid i sometimes forget my friends are "friendly" and start to take them to different levels, then after the dust settles i realize the damage:foot:

It usually takes a lot to make me angry and when I become angry I can usually vent to someone else besides the person I'm angry with so that way I can calm down before talking to them again.

But when the person I'm angry with will not back down, I just can't hold it in.

Another bad habit I have is I just say off-hand mean comments without realizing it. I completely forgot I say them mainly because I don't mean them and I was joking. Most people have a hard time telling when I'm joking and when I'm serious so they take it to offense but don't say anything.