I'm beginning to think it is me. In the past year, I spent half of it back with has always been the love of my life. You know the story-"great for a while, but...."? He turned very controlling. That relationship ended not long after that.

Now I'm with a great guy. Very sucessful, just everything you'd want in a man, but.....now he is getting some of the same issues with me as the last guy. Not quite controling, but telling me how to handle things in my life-he is right, I am wrong, period.

Am I really this inmature, not handling matters as I should? I thought I was doing quiet well. Guess what I'm asking is "why would two different people have the same perception of me? Is it that I'm blind and can't see myself as they do?"

"....why would two different people have the same perception of me? Is it that I'm blind and can't see myself as they do?"
This is an age old question. I have found, if I look back at the relationships in my life, there are similiar characteristics found in the characters I attracted or was attracted to. For me, I was intrigued by the bad boy rebels. There was a certain quality of darkness and.................... abusive traits. In addition, so many times I found their toughness masking insecurities. I found that, for me, the male role modeling went back to my father and my brother. It was a learned behavior versus an innate trait. I have had to change self, set down boundaries, and acknowledge what was acceptable or not acceptable in the way men treated me, and speak up for self. I find that we attract what we project and when we get someone that does not match how we feel about self, we are all the more aware of that discrepancy in them. Don't get me wrong, a bad boy will make my heart flutter... I just don't need to hook up with him today, muchless marry him (dear diary entries from that man I married once upon a time long, long ago).

Yeah, I agree with Willow. I think that it is some combination of you and them, in that you both attract and are attracted to this kind of man. If you take some time to look into your past in general and how it has shaped you, you may find some answers about why you end up in situations like these, and find the keys to preventing them in the future, and/or improving the relationship you're in now.

well, over the course of my now 2 years of treatment, i have recognized on-going simularities in the men i was with. 1. it was always someone i had already known for a very long time, kind of i guess, friendship turned into more that it should have? 2. it was always people i had gone to high school with-usually, like me they were divorced, and it i suspose was trying to recapture our youth? the big one #3 that friends have yelled at me for years for: the repeaters-taking people back over and over in hopes they would be different this time. with the last guy i spoke of, i broke all my rules, i'd know him since high school-dated on and off then-engaged to him at 20, broke up-stayed apart for 13 years, i moved back to town, and walla! the last five years since we have, well i have been letting him back in over and over. this last time was different. besides when we were 20, there was not any "i love you"'s or future plans ect.....we kept the walls up around our hearts because we were so bitter about failed past relationships. i hadn't seen him for 2 years. we started talking just a little bit-he was seeing someone and so was i. he came by one night, completly no intentions on both parts, our walls were down. that was it! we never thought we'd be apart after that night. first 2 months, wonderful, 3rd month his anger was comming out on other people. 4th month was one of the most confusing times i'd ever had. he turned on me-not phsyically, more of "brain washing" kind of thing. he had me so terrified, for instance, "he'd leave me if the house wasn't spotless"-i made myself phyically sick-cleaning all the time, so that when he got there, he would be pleased. slap me now-i know not to take that from a man, but i was desparate for things to be like they were the first few months. never happened, i lived in fear, emotional fear until new years eve, at the stroke of midnight, i said happy new year and all hell broke loose. lets just say the police and the e.r. was the rest of my night.

now that in what seems to be a healthy relationship, i believe i am "self salvataging". my dr. warned me of it. i'm not always the perky fun girl that drew him in. now he sees family problems, meds, therapy, insurance problems with my meds-the list goes on and on.

being over 4 stores of employee's, he is very stern at work and he is very opinonated, and one of those self confident driven men. so, i do get my feelings hurt now and again. he won't accept my side of a problem-he says i blame other people for resent problems in my life-which is not true, yes years ago i would have, but now its just coninsodense that three crisises came in a row, so i must be me, according to him. i fixed him, in that reguard, at least for now-i stood up for myself! i quietly told him that i'm a grown woman, if i say i'm going to take care of something, i will. basiclly, "stay of my business", but put in a nice calm manner, he understood and agreed to butt out.

i'm learning to counter act the negitive. he didn't understand why i go to the gym in the evening instead of the morning, so we'd have more time at night. my reason was, i learned a while back, to pay attention to my mood swings and when my depression would kick in during the day. i counter act by working out during that time. i come home in a great mood, full of laughter and energy. well, one night i had to stay home, he saw the difference. now he makes sure i hit the gym every evening!lol

also, i kept my eyes open-i knew we'd get in a rut, so to counter act that, when i get home, rather than eating a laying around or on the comp., we go outside and play! we had been playing tennis, but he broke his racket, so last night, after the gym, i went and bought a basketball-we shot hoops, laughed and played. it is a good relationship. the only complant i have is his opinions. i guess i'm used to a man just agreeing with me so i'd shut up? lol - what would you rather have, the imaginary shoulder to lean on or someone that will straight up give an honest opinion?

It could be the people you attract or the ones are drawn to have a certain manipulative nature. People like that usually use the same type of ways to lower your confidence inorder to establish control. You need to really trust your first instinct in that kind of situation or you will be in constand doubt.

It's 2 things:

1. The people you attract.

2. How you teach them to treat you.

The only way to change either is first write out the type of person you WANT. (Not what you don't want in a person. If all you can think of is what you don't want--write that down then write what the opposite trait would be--then add that to your list of what you want.)

Then, write down the rules of engagement...in two ways. The long and short version.

The long version has detailed descriptions of how you expect to be treated and how you will react when treated differently.

The short version is on 3x5 cards that you keep on your mirror in bullet points that remind you daily of what you expect.

your so right. he and i, at first talked for days on the phone, hours at a time. we pretty much covered most concerns, but i just didn't know about how opinionated he is. but like i said, better the truth, than just agreeing!

["but like i said, better the truth, than just agreein"]

That's so true. In my experience, the truth always comes out in relationships eventually in some way, shape, or form.