Hi,

Does anyone have any advise on getting what you mean to say (what's in my mind), to what I actually say aloud or on to paper? This is a problem for my boyfriend and myself, as well... I'm an impulsive liar. My therapist and I have been working on this for months, and I have read that people with ADD often times say things that they don't mean to say, or that it just doesn't come out the way that was meant, and it's not until it's already been said that you realize what was wrong.

Hopefully that makes sense. Anyways, my boyfriend accusses me of lying (when I have been trying and working on being honest for about a month and a half now), when in fact, I am not lying I am just not connecting the thoughts in my mind with the words that are coming out of my mouth. I will leave bits and pieces of the conversation out, as well. I know that I am not lying, because when I lie to my boyfriend I get flustered and often times feel sick, anxious and nervous. I can't seem to explain to him how my mind works, and that I don't mean to do this.

Here's an example that has spurred me to write this post. My boyfriend called me from work, after I was done with school:

"Did you get any more e-mails?"
Me: "I haven't checked my e-mail yet"
"That's a lie"
Me: "No, I haven't checked my e-mail yet, I just got home, but I checked this morning".
"You just lied"

Now, this wouldn't be a problem if I could have just said, "Yes, this morning I checked and there were no e-mails but I just got home and haven't had the opportunity to check yet"... or something along those lines, and that is what I was thinking in my head, however nearly all of the information was lost in the process of speaking...

I do this very often, and it's upsetting. My boyfriend accuses me of lying, and I think that he is right to do so... I almost always correct myself afterwards, but it doesn't hold any ground as the damage has already been done. I want him to understand that I'm not trying to lie, it's just that I have a difficult time wording what I really want to say.

Thou is't not alone. Why I lie I know not. Most are whiter than white, lies of ommission lies of impulse, lies of mixed up words, I often say the opposite of what I mean..then just keep going in a what the hell manner.

Maybe it's because it stimulates the brain through increased risk, increased adrenaline...Hey lets see if I can pull this off!

Difficult to explain

kilt

From that little exchange i would say that if i had been you i'd have gotten very moody at your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like a lie....but also is it not strange to be questioning you about what e-mails you get?

Could it be he's actually a little controlling? It can be difficult when you have issues yourself to know what is normally acceptable behaviour. But the description you gave definately brings up red lights for me.

Yes, we do blurt things out and get muddled and wrong....this is just how it is. For me, i find stress makes it worse and being quizzed can really fry my brain.
Your b/f needs to understand this and learn to give you the mental space to express yourself but also not put so much pressure on because thats counter productive.

I hope you manage to sort this out....you can learn to communicate, but the onus isn't completely on you and close ones need to learn what their part in it needs to be and to also realise you wont suddenly become "normal" in your communication.

I've had the same issue and have been able to deal with it in some cases (can't think of examples now...) by just deliberately trying to SLOW DOWN before speaking. Kind of like the tape delay they have on radio stations so the producer can catch all the foul language and put a bleep over it before it gets sent out into the world. My instinct is always to hurry up and answer already, often before the person asking me is finished, but after some practice and many conflicts over saying the wrong thing too quickly I have managed to put the brakes on a bit.

Plus I agree with ChloeDharma that there may be some overcontrolling tendencies on the part of the male partner. I had a long term female partner who had similar issues and it just added to my frustrations and feelings of being dishonest and muddled.

Hope that helps!

-g

Hmmmm, the question was whether I was a compulsive lier as an adolescent or just good at it. Classmates would actually come to me for 'realistic lies' to tell their parents. I felt like Oz. If I played it out in my mind as being real, I was able to say the 'version of the truth' with unrelenting conviction.

It has been a matter of disciplining this undisciplined mind and vocal cords. I took the lies to the opposite extreme and started telling the truth, no matter how brutal. The fine art of tact was obviously my next endeavor.

The biggest life lesson I have learned, is when I elaborate in my answer, I know damn well I am sprinkling the truth with lies. I also think, why does anyone need a drawn out response, when it is a yes or no answer.

If they want me to elaborate, I ask them what do they want me to say ~ that is my parania kicking in, because I don't want to set myself up to be cornered, badgered and told I am lying. Just don't give the opportunity or time to sprinkle my response with glitz and glamour or dram-o-rama.

It also seems, this has become a source of contention. It is not wise to battle him because he has accused you, rather change your style of responding ~ with a yes or no answer. It takes awhile, but mentally start by putting up the 'lying gauge' and just answer what is asked.

If the bait is dangled out there in an 'open ended' question, ask for clarification what they are asking ~ turn around the conversation, and take control of your response versus the apprehension of answering and worrying whether you will be accused of lying.

My fortune and at times misfortune, is getting to the point. When there is no need to read between the lines to find meaning, then people know exactly where they stand.

i agree with chloe darma. that exchange does not sound like a lie, it sounds like a simple misunderstanding. i can't speak for other instances that you refer to as lies but i get the impression that it is something similar to the example given. I to have difficult times articulating my thoughts in a way that others find coherent, it often makes sense to me. besides if you qualify your statement you are not lying nor are you backtracking you are simply clarifing what may be unclear. I would be very wary of your boyfriend if he accuses you of lying in situations like this, it sounds more like he is trying to undermine your self esteem. and how the hell would he know weather or not you checked your e mails, why does he care? these are red flags.

and just to clarify my post i'm not suggesting your boyfriend is trying to assert some kind of control over you but you should take an objective look at his actions ask yourself is this a possiblity

Thanks for the advise. I don't find that my boyfriend is controlling -- or at least that he is not trying to impose anything on me, however he is untrusting of me (for good reason, I used to lie about everything). A guy that seems just too friendly/flirty used to e-mail me, even if I did not respond. This caused a bit of upset after all of my lies were revealed, and this guy had resultantly e-mailed me on Tuesday... I told him about it, and it had made him anxious.

Thanks for the advise. I don't find that my boyfriend is controlling -- or at least that he is not trying to impose anything on me, however he is untrusting of me (for good reason, I used to lie about everything). A guy that seems just too friendly/flirty used to e-mail me, even if I did not respond. This caused a bit of upset after all of my lies were revealed, and this guy had resultantly e-mailed me on Tuesday... I told him about it, and it had made him anxious.
I have had similer problems most of my life. thru the years I have found that the things that I would lie about were to make myself look better. I felt that If people would see the real me that they would not like to be around me and that they would, like most of the people in my life would leave. this then would set up some exsuting monuvers. I had to keep track of what lie I told to what person and if they could uncover it or not. sometimes this ment that I had to not bearound some that I told really big lies to. It was not untill i started to believe in myself that this began to change. I still find my self starting to do this but not as much. I guess what I am trying to say is once you really start believing in you, this problem will be less or at least it will be easier for you to tell the lies from the truth and mabey not have to use them. After all no matter who we leave who leaves us we still need to be around ourselves. that is the most important realtionship, the one that can teach us how to treat others.