Hi, I just turned 26 and my husband is 25. He has ADHD...

I met my husband three years ago. H had mentioned that he had ADHD, I didnt and dont know much about it so I didnt really pay much attention to it. Well we got married 2 years ago and there have been so many ups and downs. Last year I had to leave him because it was too much for me. I left in May, one month later he was already going out with someone else, so I decided to start dating too.

In September 2006 he called me and said he missed me and wanted me back. November I cam back to Vegas and come live with him again.

The day after Valentines day he told me that he is not happy. every day he changed his mind on me, yes I want to be with you, no nevermind I changed my mind I dont want to be with you. This happened for a week, it got so bad I started looking for a place to live, then he said he wanted to be with me...He constantly accuses me of cheating on him and I am not.

Last night he started saying that people always tell him that he deserves better...he told me so many ugly things and when I cry its like he doesnt even care, like he enjoys to see me cry. I feel like I cant take this anymore, I packed my things last night but I dont know where to go, I dont know anyone here...Is this normal type of behavior??? This is so new to me and I feel like I am trapped, I love him but I dont want to live like this for the rest of my life...we dont even have sex!!

It sounds like there is no good reason to be together and he needs to get himself stable before having a long term relationship.

If you want clarity on the situation my first impression is that your husband is so used to chaos that he thrives on it. He doesn't feel "normal" unless the world around him is in chaos.

My sister is the same way. She creates turmoil in her life because she feels like something is wrong when there isn't a crisis to deal with.

It doesn't make either of them bad people. It's just what they're used to.

Whether you leave or stay depends on what you want out of life. If the rewards aren't worth the crap you have to go through to get them...

I dont feel that it is worth it for me to say, I am so new to this, its like you said, I know that it doesnt make him a bad person but I cant handle this sort of instability.

To me he is very selfish, everything has to be about him. He is working full time and goes to school too, he has a test today, very important. Every time he stresses I am the first one to get it.

I dont feel that I should stay because he will keep acting this way, I know he will refuse to take any sort of medication or go to the doctor for this or anything. As a child he said he was on stuff and he didnt like it.

I know that he will not change...I just cant take this.

Then don't.

My older brother is like you describe. He's a narcissist that is obsessed with his own pursuits. He's been married 4 times and blamed the issues with each marriage on his wives--even though he was screwing anything that walked while he was married.

You have to do what is best for you first. If you don't have a life that works for you there is nothing for you to give to him in a relationship either. That's a lose-lose situation.

It's really not about who is right or who is wrong. You just need to find out what will give you the best life and it doesn't sound like this will do it.
So, do something else.

One of my favorite quotes is from Einstein: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If you continue to stay with him and he isn't willing to do something to get his behavior to improve--that's plain insanity.

Life is long and hard enough as it is--there isn't any reason to stay in a failed relationship trying to resurrect it. We spend too much time trying to "do the right thing" and be "politically correct" when we should focus a little more on doing what is wise.

I think you already know the wise thing to do. Be corageous and do it. You'll be just fine. :)

Hi Overwhelmed,

Just wanted to say that I wouldn't consider the bad ways that your husband treats you to be symptoms of his ADHD. NO WAY! I'm suprised nobody said that yet.

Sue

Hi Overwhelmed,

Just wanted to say that I wouldn't consider the bad ways that your husband treats you to be symptoms of his ADHD. NO WAY! I'm suprised nobody said that yet.

Sue
Really?? Because he changes the way he is with me all the time, on thursday he was kicking me out of the house because he thought that I am cheating on him with a guy at work, but by the end of the day he said he loves me bla bla...

And last night he told me that he has been told that he deserves better...I was not sure what he meant by that and he totally flipped on me, threw the remote to the wall and broke it, also made a whole on the wall...I should just leave...

I definitely think you should leave for your own safety if not your own sanity.

Whether he has ADD/ADHD or not is irrelevant. His symptoms may or may not be from ADHD. His reactionary response might be from pent up stress and anxiety from unsuccessfully dealing with ADHD up to this point. Who knows?

It doesn't really matter; if he's not willing to admit he has a problem...whatever it is. Worse still, if he knows he has ADHD and isn't willing to get therapy and seek out methods to manage it...then he's a ticking self destruction bomb.

Do you really want to be there when the timer runs out?

These rage issues, narcasistic tendancies and mood swings sound more like bipolar. The sysmptoms of ADHD and bipolar can be hard to diagnose. The treatments are very different. Have a look at the bipolar section of this website, and book an appointment for yourself to see a therapist, you sound like you could use some professional advice.

Honey, just go...

Don't keep doing this to yourself.

My DH is ADHD and part of his particular issues with it is his inability to make decisions.

ADHD or not, you need to decide if it's worth some counseling to save the marriage. Even if he doesn't go, look into it for yourself.