hey guys. does anybody else here feel that they just can't connect with other people? I've had a handful of friends that i've hung out with since high school, and other people tend to come and go. what makes me feel so miserable is knowing that many of the friends and people that i hang out with are only there because my close friends met them and began hanging out with them. and all my friends seem to always hang out together for each others company, but they never want to hang out just with me... i guess i'm saying that i really feel incapable of making friends myself and that for some reason or another i am not much fun or interesting to hang around with :(

i've been trying to figure these feelings and thoughts out since around 7th grade. I'm 24 years old now, and the constant coming and going of these thoughts has got me mentally exhausted. i started taking concerta a couple of months ago, which helps me to concentrate on school stuff like reading, but when it comes to people, I'm just clueless. I enjoy personal time alone every now and then, but I always have this looming loneliness and depression. this feeling of not really being wanted, or not being missed when i'm not around. when i'm with my friends, it isn't uncommon for everyone to have left the room to do something and find myself sitting there alone... i don't know what it is, but i just can't seem to connect and become involved with anyone. Ugh it is so frustrating and annoying. i feel so left out. i never know what people are talking about, i'm constantly comparing myself to my more social friends, trying to figure out how to be like them. i have no clue at how to pick up on girls, and have this nagging suspicion that i will be single forever.

the worst is when i'm trying to have a good time with my friends and something happens (like i find one of my friends talking privately with another, or a girl i was talking to leaves to go talk with someone else) and these negative thoughts come swarming in uncontrollably making me feel miserable!!! i feel left out, unimportant, jealous, confused, everything! and i don't know how to fix these problems. i know, aside from my ADD, that i suffer from low self-esteem and have little to no confidence in myself. i have trouble making and maintaining eye contact with anyone, as everytime i do i feel anxiety building up within me (why? I haven't a clue...). and i can't seem to just relax and be social. i always feel like i have to try so hard just to act and be normal.

i'm totally aware of the obvious problems i have (confidence, esteem, etc.) though i haven't got a clue as to how to improve them. and i really wish i could follow the cliche saying "just relax and be yourself", but it's somewhat impossible--when you have spent your whole life feeling like an outcast and trying to adjust who you are to fit in--to know who you are in the first place. Many times I just feel dumb or slow, often even clumbsy. natural conversational flow doesn't really seem to happen for me. when someone is talking with me, i always feel like it takes me a while to interpret what they even said before i even can contemplate how to respond.

The sad part about all this is that i know i am a decent looking guy with a reasonable amount of intelligence but can't seem to take these good fortunes and do anything with them. Sorry about this novel-sized message. just had a lot of this built up and needed to let it out. I just wish i could flip a switch and suddenly be relaxed, confident, comfortable, outgoing, and just be able to let the real happy and social me out :cool: .

One thing I learned back in my youth (at your age) was that one thing that really helps me to connect with other people is ask them about themselves. Pay attention to them, be interested in what they have to say. You will no doubt find people who will take advantage of that and talk your ear off, but you will eventually learn to identify those types frpm a great distance and steer clear. But you should also find some other people who appreciate your interest and will want to know what you have to say...

Hope that helps a bit.

-G

I've dealt with many of the same issues. Finding a therapist who was knowledgeable about ADHD helped me with feeling weird, like I didn't fit in, and like I wasn't good enough.

With my NVLD I have a huge problem with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I have no aptitude for reading facial expressions. It is hard for me make new friends, especially if I am in a place were I don't know anybody. Luckily I have made some friends who know not to take everything I say to heart, and that I don't always mean the things that I say, sometimes words just seem to fall out of my mouth. I still have problems with being in large crowds, or alone somewhere with someone who I have not known for a long time, but I am improving.

Hi Hamburgler!

It seems to me like you're in a somewhat toxic situation with your friends. Even though you have problems keeping eye contact, etc. I'm sure that the way your friends act towards you (leaving the room, etc.) does not help you feel more socially confident. If it was me I'm not sure I would care to spend much time with people like that.

Maybe you'll need to look elsewhere for people you can socialize with without feeling like an outcast. What are your interests? Maybe you can find a club to join or a course to take and meet people who share that interest and who might be more interested in what you can share in that area than in how socially "in" you are.

Hi Hamburgler22:)

I have a similar problem with connecting with others, I'm very good at the 'social smile' and I'm great in 1 on 1 or small group situations and I'm even good at chatting to strangers at a bus stop but I'm absolutely hopeless at handling myself socially in large groups and it's gotten to the point where I actually avoid large groups even if one of my close friends are hanging out in it, when any of my friends are going out in large groups I just tell them nicely that I'll catch up with them another time.

I also know how you feel when someone leaves you to chat to someone else, at first I feel like they just want to get away from me because I'm dumb and uninteresting but then I sit back and think properly and realise that they're just mixing with everyone and it's not necessarily about me

As for saying that you'll be single forever....well if you keep having a negative attitude then you WILL be single forever...the point I'm trying to put across is that there are way's to overcome these issues and find a happy medium in life.

Maybe you should consider going to your local ADD/ADHD support group and ask the members how they deal with this issue, not only will you probably get some great advice but you might make some really great friends in the process and maybe find that special someone;)

I hope I've helped in someway

Take Care
Selena:)
hey guys. does anybody else here feel that they just can't connect with other people? I've had a handful of friends that i've hung out with since high school, and other people tend to come and go. what makes me feel so miserable is knowing that many of the friends and people that i hang out with are only there because my close friends met them and began hanging out with them. and all my friends seem to always hang out together for each others company, but they never want to hang out just with me... i guess i'm saying that i really feel incapable of making friends myself and that for some reason or another i am not much fun or interesting to hang around with :(

i've been trying to figure these feelings and thoughts out since around 7th grade. I'm 24 years old now, and the constant coming and going of these thoughts has got me mentally exhausted. i started taking concerta a couple of months ago, which helps me to concentrate on school stuff like reading, but when it comes to people, I'm just clueless. I enjoy personal time alone every now and then, but I always have this looming loneliness and depression. this feeling of not really being wanted, or not being missed when i'm not around. when i'm with my friends, it isn't uncommon for everyone to have left the room to do something and find myself sitting there alone... i don't know what it is, but i just can't seem to connect and become involved with anyone. Ugh it is so frustrating and annoying. i feel so left out. i never know what people are talking about, i'm constantly comparing myself to my more social friends, trying to figure out how to be like them. i have no clue at how to pick up on girls, and have this nagging suspicion that i will be single forever.

the worst is when i'm trying to have a good time with my friends and something happens (like i find one of my friends talking privately with another, or a girl i was talking to leaves to go talk with someone else) and these negative thoughts come swarming in uncontrollably making me feel miserable!!! i feel left out, unimportant, jealous, confused, everything! and i don't know how to fix these problems. i know, aside from my ADD, that i suffer from low self-esteem and have little to no confidence in myself. i have trouble making and maintaining eye contact with anyone, as everytime i do i feel anxiety building up within me (why? I haven't a clue...). and i can't seem to just relax and be social. i always feel like i have to try so hard just to act and be normal.

i'm totally aware of the obvious problems i have (confidence, esteem, etc.) though i haven't got a clue as to how to improve them. and i really wish i could follow the cliche saying "just relax and be yourself", but it's somewhat impossible--when you have spent your whole life feeling like an outcast and trying to adjust who you are to fit in--to know who you are in the first place. Many times I just feel dumb or slow, often even clumbsy. natural conversational flow doesn't really seem to happen for me. when someone is talking with me, i always feel like it takes me a while to interpret what they even said before i even can contemplate how to respond.

The sad part about all this is that i know i am a decent looking guy with a reasonable amount of intelligence but can't seem to take these good fortunes and do anything with them. Sorry about this novel-sized message. just had a lot of this built up and needed to let it out. I just wish i could flip a switch and suddenly be relaxed, confident, comfortable, outgoing, and just be able to let the real happy and social me out :cool: .

I have problem with people I do not know . . . .it is hard for me to talk because I have nothing to talk about unless I have some point of connection or common ground.

One thing that I learned really late in life is others do not see you the same way you see your self. I always saw my self as the "family dunce" I was 40+ before I finally had a conversation with my mother about this and found out I was not seen that way at all as a matter of fact the opposite was the truth. Ever sense then I have been rather hesitant about taking my own perceptions as being the exact same as how others saw me.


I have taken the newly found knowledge and applied it to my social life.. . . .because i have allowed myself to ask people whom I know but that I have not known for a really long time. I told my self before ever going there that no matter what I was told I would perceive the answers as information only and not attacks, I would not defend my actions nor would I attempt to alter the person's response in way way I would show nothing but appreciation and openness to hear what she had to say.


This is what I learned from a couple of conversations along these lines. I have found out when people first meet me I am stand offish and can appear "stuck up" however after a short while when my body language relaxes a bit people then see a conflicting image. . . on one hand I am still not very talkative but I look as though I "want to" I am not as stand offish and I have more facial expression in response to conversations going on around me. . . . . it is only after I get to spend some time with people do they realize I am really the exact opposite of the initial projection I present. . . it seem like once I have been around some one a certain period of time the flood gates open then I am seen as I truly am. . . I am a bubbly friendly person with a lot of enthusiasm. . . and a tendency to talk too much. . .. . .


yea to hear I seem stuck up did bite but it was very useful information and I did ask for honesty. I had no idea I always felt like I was clumsy and seen as awkward. . . . and not to bright. They didn't see me as not being good enough they saw me as being uninterested because believe it or not they felt like I saw them as beneath me !!! I was projecting what I felt on them and they felt the same ways about them selves . . .as I was feeling about my self. . . . . .odd isn't it . . .sure wasn't what I was expecting. Maybe you are projecting your discomfort onto them so they feel uncomfortable. . . .


Because of the information some in Gary's family was gracious enough to share with me I have begun looking for ways to appear more open to social contact. No I still have problems having some thing to say to people I met only minutes ago but there are other ways besides simply forcing your self into a conversation When I have had to be in groups of people I do not know one of the ways I have tried with more success than sitting there wanting to find a corner to crawl in. . . .is I help . . . . if it is a dinner gathering I will clear the table, or offer re-fills. If at a gathering as in party I ask the host if their is any way I can help her {or him} with the explanation of I feel better if I am busy. . . . .if I sit to long I am like metamucil I will harden and I am of no use to any one. . . . I may not have a lot to say but helping gives me a point of contact and helps "lower the shield" . . .

I am betting they perceive you like I was perceived. People thought I was not interested in being friends with them when in reality I was simply nervous because I had nothing to say . . . .I did want to wiggle away because I didn't know what to do and it was uncomfortable. . . .my nervousness was working against me . . . . well I can't change the nervous factor it is part of my "being". . . instead of fighting who I am . . . . .now I use that nervousness to help me because I aways want to move when I am nervous so I do I move to offer a helping hand. . . . I get to meet most people there without even trying. . .besides hostesses love people who help so invites well aren't lacking. . .people see this and hey they want some one who helps. . . .see what I mean. . . .I had a vicious cycle and I simply changed the cycle to go the other direction. . . . . the one of my choosing.

Do not fight your self, you are you just like I am me. . . just find a different way to apply your self. . . . so you appear intersted. . . .increase stimulation by movement. . . . . well okay what ever way you find but wiggling works for me.

Hope this helps

Oh yea if you can look at some one eye brows when close or forehead where the nose meet the forehead it gives the appearance of looking people in the eye. I used it in speech class because looking at people's eyes when I was speaking distracted me . . . .I was docked once for poor eye contact and found out all I had to do was look like I was looking my audience in the eye. . . it worked until I was able to actually do so. Now I can speak to a large group about the color of poop and look them in the eyes for real but when I first tried to I found I could not.

Also you do not have to stare into some ones eyes during a casual conversation a quick glance will normally do.I quick glance the the area between the eyes will be a good beginning and be fast enough it should appear undetectable to them. Also when in one on one conversation active listening can be another way to not only appear interested but it also helps the ADD brain stay engaged thus wandering off less often. . . . people probably stop talking because if you do not respond they feel you are not interested having nothing to do with how interesting you are. . .see people are as concerned with your perception of them as you are worried about their perception of you. Not responding seems to be taken as not being really interested in conversing.

If I have nothing to add or I am needing time to think I have found repeating what they said using my own words it buys a little time and helps me process the conversation better in my mind. I say repeat in my own words because to use their exact word is parroting and should be used only sparingly or if you claim to have a hearing problem {loud back ground noise ect. . .} I have been known to tell people wow I am having a hard time processing all that interesting information then precede to ask questions because the few seconds it take for me to say one sentence my brain has time to generate a response. If the back ground noise is bad I simply admit that I need to repeat what is said to make sure I have heard correctly . . . . it is better than no response at all and staring off at the floor. . . . which is what I would do if I did not have this already in place.

As already mentioned people like it when you are intersted in them and ask questions {without being too "personal" at first}

if you are a guy, do a hobby such as bodybuilding or a martial arts...............guys automatically develop a respect for you and you become more confident talker because people will be intimadated by you and you will see that and thus talk more and have everbody else listen.........the best thing is practice and always trying hard to pay attention and controlling your impulsiveness....for ADD people sometimes it is better to not say anything at all if it is not smart..........eventually you can come up with something funny to say in the conversation and say it....don't go to far with it.........and make sure it is funny in your head.........news, sports, celebrities, and cars may not be fun or interesting to pay attention to, but i bet if you do even just a little bit at day, then you options of bringing up an interesting conversation will greatly increase............the anxiety is the last thing you should worry about...............that is easy to overcome if you just forget about all the crap that comes out of people's mouths.......just forget about it and start over.....have more self respect and tell someone off when you have to..........don't isolate yourself but try to at least look interested at times.........i eventually developed a little interest for my friends conversation just so that i can add something to say once in a while.........

if you are good at something and you got some kind of use......people will like you and talk to you........just make sure they don't use you.............just say....ok....well i will do it...if you do this first.........don't give up your time for anyone to fit in.....think for yourself all the time and create self-value and something you can casually gloat about or think to yourself that you are good at.....the more common and useful the self-value, the more it will be useful for conversation and social appriecation

yeah......just don't freakin worry.........do something new for yourself........i reccomend bodybuilding because bodybuilding requires you to be alone a lot and spending time eating with yourself and being strict to your diet and timing really limiting your social interactions.........eventually you can find a group of training buddies and talk about training and dieting all the time using at home hyper-focus to your advantage.......of course bodybuilding is just one option..........kickboxing.....jujistu.....basketb all......i just gave you 4 different ideas of where you can make friends based on those hobbies.....pick something....and get better and better at it.....eventually you will feel good about yourself.........later on as you learn about yourself more and talk with more and more people that are interested on the same thing, you develop listening skills and caring for others skills that you can use for future relationships and friends that may have broader or different interests