I have really struggled with not being so controlling. Could this be related to ADHD?

Controlling like how?

I think it's not necessarily ADD related, but that being said, the most controlling and nastiest about it that I've known have had ADHD.

I would expect that kind of behavior to be more likely due to anxiety than to an attention problem.

me :D

I don't know the exact cause but I think it is definitely related...
I have a strong desire to be involved in and know what is going on around me. I see it as being inquisitive and social (asking people about stuff...making conversation) but most people see it as "nosy" and "controlling". It's definitely something I've had to learn to deal with and tone it down. Perhaps it's the ADD, perhaps it's a result of the anxiety I have from ADD...

Im not sure if its related or not... however, I know that I am the complete opposite.

I love and need my privacy. I hate gossip, and, I hate questions.
I also know some "social / controlling / nosy" people in my life, and, they honestly drive me up the wall.

I am a very private person. There are questions I would never ask, or boundaries I wouldnt never cross... (example: I will not walk into someone's bedroom WITHOUT the owner already being in the room, and, having verbally invited me in. This is a personal space to me, anyone that crosses it really makes me angry.

If you are worried about your habits.. try to understand the people you are around. Some people are more private then others and may come to resent every question or controlling behaviour. (Like I do with this other very nosy woman I know. I cant stand to be around her, she has butt into everything that is my business and I hate her for it)

Im not saying your behaviours are anything like the person I am mentioning, and, its great that you are able to recognize what you may not like or that you feel others may not like about you.

Again, everyone is different. Just ease up a bit on those private people, and never ask a question that you know someone would NOT ask you... that generally means its too personal.

What do you mean by controlling? I am assuming you mean controlling of others.

My DH and his best friend said I was controlling. I didn't think I was. I stepped back and realized I was obsesive about scheduleing and would get really upset when things changed or if last minute things came up. I would check the calander several times a day to make sure I had everything in there.

On the other had we have 1his and 2 hers kids. They are in 2 diffrent school district- one with a year round schedule and one with a traditonl schuedle. And we are self employed

Of course when I focused on not being a freak about scheduleing and making lists everything around me fell apart.:faint: 2 years later I am still trying to get it together again. ADD or not ADD??? ADD!!!!:eek:

Living with everything scheduled drives me crazy but my partner (ADD combined) has to keep schedules to function, as many with ADD do.
Lets talk tonight at 8:05 PM
I need to go to the store at 6:00 right after I exercise

It keeps her on track but I do find it somewhat controlling of my life. Since she has her life scheduled with what she wants to do weeks in advance there is little room left for spontenaity or change of plans on my part. It becomes very difficult if we have to talk about the calendar and find compramises because she has her stuff all scheduled and planned in her mind, even though we may never have talked about it.

Chaotic-
I could see your point on how you would feel controlled.

Does her neededing so much structure cause any resentment in your relationship? If so, how do you work around it?

--DD

Because her need for structure focuses on what she needs or wants, not what I need or want or what the relationship needs, there is some anger though not resentment. Basically she schedules fun stuff for herself with her friends.

Our counselor suggested that when she puts something on the calendar we discuss it before it becomes permantly in place however she will sometimes forget to tell me or is afraids there will be a conflict so she will not say anything.

We are working on the issue as she recognises that the relationship is not moving forward, that goals are not being made and that in general things are not getting done. It is my understanding (from Hallowell) that many people with AD/HD may appear somewhat narcissistic and have issues with comprimising, goal setting, following through etc. My partner definitely fits the profile in those areas. Plus her being an only child and raised by a mother who is not sharing, not affectionate and most likely AD/HD all adds to the mix.

Im not sure if its related or not... however, I know that I am the complete opposite.

I love and need my privacy. I hate gossip, and, I hate questions.
I also know some "social / controlling / nosy" people in my life, and, they honestly drive me up the wall.

I am a very private person. There are questions I would never ask, or boundaries I wouldn't never cross... (example: I will not walk into someone's bedroom WITHOUT the owner already being in the room, and, having verbally invited me in. This is a personal space to me, anyone that crosses it really makes me angry.

I am not a controlling person either I am really pretty flexible most times. I do schedule things but I do not schedule every thing.

Personal boundaries are important to me so I realize other have personal boundaries them selves. Going into some one bed room without being invited???? I ask to use people's bath rooms :o

I live with a man who can feel self centered and controlling simply because he is not aware that other people have boundaries never mind have a clue as to where they are. I draw my boundaries with him using a whip and chair.


The controlling issues if related to ADD in my opinion stem from boundary issues. ADDers often have problems designating them in them selves and / or acknowledging their existence in others.


Excellent thread. . . ..

I have really struggled with not being so controlling. Could this be related to ADHD?
i have the prblem of being a control freak when im all charged up and i just want to ride the lightning

I know that one of my ADDer pals where I live is a major control freak

My SO has called me a control freak many times when all I was doing was trying to help out. If I know how to do something and I see that someone is having a little difficulty, I can be impulsive to jump in and take over just to show how it's done. I have learned to curb this behavior, since I know how it can be miscontrued (SP?). I think in this way that contoling is an ADHD trait, at least my 2 cents.

In my case - i get called controlling - but because so many things seem "out of control" in my life - like the fact i cant ever seem to focus on anything for long enough to get thigns done and becuase i will often say things that are socially innapropriate i try to contorl what i can - like get up at this tilme and go to bed exaclty at this time etc

I can be controlling at times. In my case I think it is because I have trouble negotiating with others. I compensate by either trying to control the situation or being very passive and allowing others to control.

The difficulty in negotiating is ADD related, as I don't read other people well and don't feel confident

At times when I'm overloaded and mentally crashing, due to overstimulation, I've come off as controlling to my family; all I'm trying to control is my own sensory overload, but they don't understand how rattling it can be to me when they make so much noise and confusion that I can't shut out.

im adhd and controlling

I have this problem only in my intimate relationships. I have this "know it all" sense about me, I am constantly inquisitive/curious and overly insecure. I've realized lately that this is very overwhelming for my fiance because it is all at once. I've learned that if I tone down the asking questions about the girls he talks to, controlling myself from reading his emails and controlling myself from looking at his phone records (all things that derive from insecurity and old compulsive behavior patterns), then the questions and wanting to help wouldn't seem luch such an interrogation chamber or controlling trait. It is hard not to be overwhelming and controlling. I feel like I can't help it sometimes because it is such a compulsive bad habit. I am extremely passionate about everything, but I really have to get a handle on this and tone it down or I might lose my lover. Asking about the girls he talks to, reading his emails and checking the phone records is not acceptable, but sometimes, I don't know how to stop myself. I am confident that I will get through this. I believe that since we are able to recognize it, we are one step closer to managing it than most.

I'm a control freak only in certain situations.
I cook all our meals, because my wife tends to get distracted easily.
She's not ADD, she's just got a lot going.
I've had food that wasn't cooked correctly before, so that ended her tour in the kitchen. LOL
I do a lot of the driving, because my wife gets "the nods" when we start out on a trip, or even around town. Plus since she's not from here, she gets turn around easily. That other trait "driving too fast" does bother her a bit.
I don't try to control conversations, or activities when I'm around her or other people.
So I've got a control issue, but only when it involves certain things, not all things in my life.

I think being controlling is a coping mechanism related to ADHD.

I know for myself, when everything feels like chaos all around me, I get very controlling as a reaction to it. That, and it is also a reaction to that perpetual feeling of impending doom....I think a lot of ADHD people have that feeling. I used to walk around with it all the time, before meds. It was just a chronic low grade panic really.

So, anyway, being controlling, for me, is a reaction to the chaos going in in my own head and to stave off the doom that I know is about to befall me at any minute.

Meds have helped.

i try to be more cooperative then controlling

I can't imagine being a control freak with ADD.

If I was a control freak it would look like this:

Today I would run around the house and tell the kids to put all of their clothes and shoes away in their bedrooms.

Tomorrow I would forget that I told them to do that and get all freaked out and tell them that only clothes go in their bedrooms but the shoes belong in the entryway closet.

The next day I would probably forget I told them at all and would be freaking out on them about how many times they chew their food and making sure they don't say phrases like "Oh My God" and "Jesus Christ" when they see a live spider in the kitchen because that might offend the neighbors when they say it around the other kids on the street.

One day later I would probably be oblivous to the fact that my daughter just changed clothes 5 different times in as many rooms of the house dropping her clothes where they came off and I totally wouldn't care that her shoes are now on the kitchen table with the dried up milk spill and....

Oh My God...did you see that flash of lightning outside just now?
Wow, I bet somebody is getting tornado weather tonight. :D

I can't imagine being a control freak with ADD.

If I was a control freak it would look like this:

Today I would run around the house and tell the kids to put all of their clothes and shoes away in their bedrooms.

Tomorrow I would forget that I told them to do that and get all freaked out and tell them that only clothes go in their bedrooms but the shoes belong in the entryway closet.

The next day I would probably forget I told them at all and would be freaking out on them about how many times they chew their food and making sure they don't say phrases like "Oh My God" and "Jesus Christ" when they see a live spider in the kitchen because that might offend the neighbors when they say it around the other kids on the street.

One day later I would probably be oblivous to the fact that my daughter just changed clothes 5 different times in as many rooms of the house dropping her clothes where they came off and I totally wouldn't care that her shoes are now on the kitchen table with the dried up milk spill and....

Oh My God...did you see that flash of lightning outside just now?
Wow, I bet somebody is getting tornado weather tonight. :D
That sounds like me lol. I get weird (controlling) about things one day, then my SO tells me I said something different the day before, or never cared before. So yes I supposed, ADHD and somewhat controlling can be perfectly described!

I have been told I am controlling and I am a "My way or the highway" kinda person. I dont think I am... But my self observation is low also...but I will get upset if plans dont go the way they were suppose to go, like on a trip. It depends really...

The people in my life who are controlling are typically women who have had an especially traumatic event in their early childhood like divorcing parents or irresponsible parents. In my opinion this triggered a survival instinct of being able to count on and trust only themselves for survival, causing that person to control as much as they can in their environment. This becomes especially destructive to relationships when they try to impose their control on other people's behaviors. Even if that control is well-meant (e.g. nagging about your spouse eating that donut cause he'll ruin his appetite), a man can only take so much of that before calling it quits.

Control is a viscious circle in two ways:

First, the more you control the more he's likely to leave you which in turn makes you more controlling because you want to prevent such a traumatic event in the future.

Second, the more you control, the less freedom the person being controlled will feel like he has and therefore the less responsive and more defiant that person will become.

Less control will give you more of what you want.

Does ADHD cause controlling behavior? Generally I don't think that ADHD causes any one particular behavior. A lot of it is personality and experiences. However, I do believe that ADHD exacerbates many of our behaviors. i.e. if you're an ADDer and are really bad at scheduling things because your mind always wanders to the next little shiny object like a fish to a bait, then you'll likely develop a means of coping with that, whether it be keeping a notebook on you, or getting others to do stuff because you can count on them more than you can count on yourself to remember to do it.

So, if you're already prone to controlling behavior through your personality or experiences, I think that ADHD will make it worse far worse.