I have just recently end my relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months. We are in our mid-twenties, he has ADD, not being treated.

Basically, I found that I would constantly find that details of events didn't add up. Or, if there was a story to be told, he would leave out certain aspects, embellish, or downplay. As well, we would spend a lot of time just agruing over facts. Usually quantities.. Number of objects, people, cost of dinner, times he would drive somewhere. DUMB things to fight about, but he would misrepresent me to others, and other to me. Usually he would paint himself in a good light. Now, I just don't get it. Is this due to poor memory, or attention to details. Is he lying on purpose, or does he truly believe what he is saying? And if he is omitting details from a story, is this just because he doesn't think and express himself like non-ADD'ers? Ex. I'll ask what he did the night before. He'll say he slept after work, had some dinner, watched the game. But he'll fail to mention that he watched the game at some friends house (In that case a girl). I'm just not sure if this happens because he doesn't want me to know, or because his mind is elsewhere. He doesn't really hide it, but isn't clear about it either. That is just one of 100s of examples. Even just the cost of something will change over the months. 50 bucks, later 100... Is he trying to make me CRAZY!! Does he understand that I take his words literally, and those details matter?

Do any other's feel like their ADD partner's stories NEVER add up? Or the facts are always off? I struggle to figure out what it's him being immature and disrespectful towards me, and what is due to ADD. Any thoughts? He says he doesn't think he lies or omits things, so nothing had improved over the months.

We have split for the past 2 weeks. He's out of the country for a couple months, so we're trying to find some understanding about what led to our split. Talking to an ADDer through MSN is kinda pointless when it's a serious topic, so when he's home we'll have to start from the beginning. He has kinda agreed to go see a doc about the ADD again (he went as a kid, got drugs, hated them, and doesn't want those drugs). As far as I know, adult ADD isn't the same as a child's ADD, so the treatment wouldn't be the same.

Did anyone see a big change in their partner with treatment? Did you find that the became more dependable, or honest?

As far as I know, adult ADD isn't the same as a child's ADD, so the treatment wouldn't be the same.Adult ADHD may look different than childhood ADHD, but there isn't a whole lot of difference in treatment.

Would there not be different drug options? I think they gave him ritalin (sp?) as a kid, and said he felt like a zombie. He no longer has the hyperness.

Where I live, Ritalin is often the first drug offered by physicians: it's been around a long time and is cheaper than some others. Both my son and I were diagnosed as adults and have taken Ritalin for several years with no desire to switch. Even on medication, my adult son is still noticeably hyperactive compared to other people his age. Your spelling of Ritalin is perfect. "Felt like a zombie"? I wonder how old your ex was when this happened and how long and at what dose he was prescribed Ritalin. Ritalin doesn't work for everyone.

Alot of people develop coping strategies for dealing with ADD that manifests itself as bad character.

It's also very common for ADDers to omit things. They honestly believe they said them but don't finish sentences or don't communicate all the details. My wife does not offer information. I must drag it out sometimes over the course of weeks. She also claims to have sent me information in e-mails etc, but she didn't. When I tell her she didn't, she is quite sure that she did. They do believe they have done or said what they think. Not sure about the lying though. My wife can't lie, but my ADD daughter is very good at it.

I have some of the behaviors mentioned in the first post......why do I do them? Well I am only on the first steps of understanding my ADD+ness but I am becoming aware of the damage my behaviours do to those around me and myself.

I don't know enough about your backgrounds and ages but I will say a bit about my own situation.

With regards to lies, evasions and omissions I used to do that alot, then it quietened down when I was first married as I found an understanding partner, however they are unfortunately now reappearing.

There are various reasons for these behaviour which are the result of a combination of ADD+ and environment. firstly there is low self esteem....with resultant often childish and naive attempt to embellish events to present oneself in a better light. with maturity this need is now mercifully absent from my life.

Then there's impulsivity, for example the purchase of items or services which are not required and punch big holes in the bank balance. The lies, even when they're inevitably going to be exposed with the next statement serve to push the painful reckoning into the future, which for me is a distant place I'll get to sometime but isn't relevant now. I still haven't conquered this...and dread the end of the month to an extend it often makes me ill.

Now there's also learned behaviours, through many failed relationships I learned that partners impose certain codes of ethics on my behaviour which I have never been able to live up to.

I am a freewheeling person and live almost entirely in the present. I prefer the company of women to men and over the years have experienced more than my fair share of jealousy from girlfriends discovering I was "with" someone else.

The stimulation of an interesting womans company is probably the most powerful drug I have found to selfmedicate my ADD and in the immediacy of my world is worth the unpleasant jealousy reaction in the future. I therefore learned avoid mentioning being in a womans company if at all possible......anything for a quiet life!

As for whether medication will "fix" these behaviours.....I don't know but I suspect not as in my case I feel they are a learned reaction to ADD+ behaviours and not core ADD behaviours.....from my perspective anyway.

In my opinion therapy not drugs would help.....though the drugs may help the underlying ADD the addition of therapy would be needed to unlearn these quite deep seated behaviours.

Hey Scotsman,


Don't know why I just read this thread, but I did and that rhymes huh??? Anyway, what you wrote is what I have felt for a long time but was not able to put into words. Weid that happens so much as I read what different people write. It is kind comforting to know I am not alone with this, I thought I was a crazy mess and that no other person could understand how I felt.

I'm going to state this from an ADDers perspective.

Lying is NOT an attribute of ADHD. ADHD is an attention disorder. However, ADDers can be pretty scatterbrained and sometimes it is hard to get/keep facts straight no matter how hard we try. Omissions of fact and simply failing to ingest facts correctly are a fact of life when your mind is in so many places at once. You might percieve it as lying, when in fact we are being as accurate and honest as we can. I wish I had a nickel for every time I failed to get or recall information correctly on the first try. From my perspective it is a PITA. If there is genuine lying going on, I'd attribute it to something other than ADHD. Some people lie. It is just that simple.

Forgetting things? Well it is more like things never made it into memory in the first place, and then once we do manage to get things into memory we are so pressed for processing time that we tend to leave out the details and simply deal with things in general terms. Oh, and yes we get so busy, and are so easily distracted that we can easily be sidetracked away from the things that we intend to do and say. I guess you might percieve that as forgetful, bit it is merely the result of being so distractable. Our memory is usually quite good.

We tend to be nonlinear thinkers. Many of us don't do things in a linear, sequential, one-step-at-a-time fashion. The details are kind of unimportant to many of us and things tend to live in fuzzy, general terms. Give us the big picture first and we will parse out the details as we go along. We have no choice in the matter and it is the only way we can function. Conversely, we often tend to find people who are compelled to be linear, sequential, and one-step-at-a-time to be kind of slow, boring, and excessively pendantic and that makes us tune those persons out rather soon. To make matters worse, many of us do not function very well if we are forced to be linear, sequential thinkers. What this means is that details that you might think are important often do not carry much meaning for us and we might not place as much emphasis on them as you might wish. :)

Me :D

Bravo Speedo!!!!

Your boyfriend needs to take ADHD as seriously as if he had cancer.

Both of you will benefit if you take a proactive stance in dealing with this and get educated about ADHD. There is a lot to learn about it, and what you don't know is going to hurt you.

ME :D


I have just recently end my relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months. We are in our mid-twenties, he has ADD, not being treated.

Basically, I found that I would constantly find that details of events didn't add up. Or, if there was a story to be told, he would leave out certain aspects, embellish, or downplay. As well, we would spend a lot of time just agruing over facts. Usually quantities.. Number of objects, people, cost of dinner, times he would drive somewhere. DUMB things to fight about, but he would misrepresent me to others, and other to me. Usually he would paint himself in a good light. Now, I just don't get it. Is this due to poor memory, or attention to details. Is he lying on purpose, or does he truly believe what he is saying? And if he is omitting details from a story, is this just because he doesn't think and express himself like non-ADD'ers? Ex. I'll ask what he did the night before. He'll say he slept after work, had some dinner, watched the game. But he'll fail to mention that he watched the game at some friends house (In that case a girl). I'm just not sure if this happens because he doesn't want me to know, or because his mind is elsewhere. He doesn't really hide it, but isn't clear about it either. That is just one of 100s of examples. Even just the cost of something will change over the months. 50 bucks, later 100... Is he trying to make me CRAZY!! Does he understand that I take his words literally, and those details matter?

Do any other's feel like their ADD partner's stories NEVER add up? Or the facts are always off? I struggle to figure out what it's him being immature and disrespectful towards me, and what is due to ADD. Any thoughts? He says he doesn't think he lies or omits things, so nothing had improved over the months.

We have split for the past 2 weeks. He's out of the country for a couple months, so we're trying to find some understanding about what led to our split. Talking to an ADDer through MSN is kinda pointless when it's a serious topic, so when he's home we'll have to start from the beginning. He has kinda agreed to go see a doc about the ADD again (he went as a kid, got drugs, hated them, and doesn't want those drugs). As far as I know, adult ADD isn't the same as a child's ADD, so the treatment wouldn't be the same.

Did anyone see a big change in their partner with treatment? Did you find that the became more dependable, or honest?

My wife and I are taking a proactive stance but it doesn't mean things are always simple or easy. Its a tough journey and the end result isn't guaranteedto be happy ever after.

however the upside is you will learn alot about yourself along the way.

Mindway:

I understand your situation. It's a little similar to mine.

Here's what I posted in another area. I think that it's more relevant here:

Hello:

I'm new here. I don't have ADD myself, but my ex-boyfriend does. I just want to tell my story and get some feedback, especially from some guys who have ADD themselves.

This is really personal, so please understand...It would be nice to get anonymous feedback.

Several years ago, I met a guy with ADD who I dated for several months (not very long, I know), and I fell head over heels for him. Suffice it to say, we both admitted our feelings. I thought the relationship was going great, and I thought that we would be eventually married someday (this was never discussed between so, so there was never any pressure from me. Also, he made a comment about it, rather than me to someone once).

Without explaining everything (because it would take too long), he suddenly broke it off. He gave me some lame excuses, such as "We don't have anything in common." and "I'm not the right guy for you."

I went on with my life for a couple of years, but I still wanted to know why he broke up with me, as I believed that we definitely loved each other. He said that he never told me that he loved me. He said that he would come up and see me to talk, but he never did.

Three years later, I bumped into him, and I asked him if he still loved me then and now. He admitted to both. He also admitted that he broke up with me due to "being damaged down there." I think we can surmise what I mean by this. He asked me for my phone number and said that he would call me and we would go out sometimes. He also said that he wanted to be friends.

Two months later than that, I called him, and he denied everything. He said, "It never happened." (His admission of feelings when I bumped into him and when I was previously dating him).

Not only that, but I found him on a dating website. Then, I had to wonder if he told me the truth about "his damage." I wrote him an e-mail asking him how he could've used that excuse to push me away. He then told me that I was in the past and "goodbye forever."

Is there anyone who has ADD or who was in a relationship with a person with ADD who ever experienced anything like this?

I was hurt, shocked, and confused about how someone could admit their feelings to someone, offer a possible future relationship, and completely deny it two months later, only to "emotionally check out" and act like it never happened. Then, they use impotence or ED to push someone away. Why?

Huh?

Broke my heart...

Please provide feedback...


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Yes, some lying is due to the ADD, but there are people who lie and don't have ADD. I no longer view his lying, especially what he lied about, as an ADD thing.

Anyway, PLEASE provide feedback...

This sounds like schizophrenia or possible serious drug abuse.

In any case I think you need to move on.

As an ADDer I don't remember specific dates, times, amounts, or people. I also like hanging around the opposite sex more because with guys, you can cross the line and they don't care (saying things I don't mean is a bad habit, I blurt out whatever I think). If my boyfriend asks what I was doing I say "Oh watching tv at a friend's apartment" even if it was a guy. Because I'm trying to hide it? No. It's just not an important detail to me.

As ADDers I realize we don't see the obvious important details as much. If you confronted him about it and he denied hanging out with a girl then I say you need to be worried. If you found out because he was like "Oh yeah during that on point scored in the game Sherri was yelling her head off" means that he really didn't think to mention he was hanging out with a girl but nothing happened.

Like some other people said, we have so much going on in our heads we think we've said something that we haven't.


Oh and I know when I make mistakes (usually due to ADD), I lie to people so they won't know about it. I lie about my grades all the time because I don't want people to think I'm defective (I'm an unmedicated ADDer and studying is well...yeah).

Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you. That is bizarre behavior. I have add myself and have a couple of friends who have been diagnosed so as well. (I'm familiar with our ways, is all I'm trying to say. =) I really believe that what you described about this guy has more to do with other serious issues he has. Probably, best to let that one go.

HI,
I can understand what you've been going through. My husband who has been diagnosed with adult add/adhd now,(10 months) does many of these same things.
"Joe", paints himself in a good light no matter what story is being told.(and he talks about himself a lot) We have both gone to the same event, or listened to the same conversation from a friend etc, and I will re-tell the event "hopefully" the way it happened, but my husband retells it in a way that doesn't even resemble what took place. It's often just a sketch of the event, or the last thing someone said.
It often seems like he wasn't even there. There have been many arguments about what was "said or not said", "done and not done". (stupid arguements)
But it affected his opinion of me. He started looking down on me, because of his "sideways" thinking.
But what has hurt me the most is that he's blamed much of themisunderstood things on me. "You don't hear things right", is a phrase that I've heard for years

I can't tell you the amount of times we have been in financial jams or relationship issues with his colleagues because of him not picking up on their cues or him "not listening to or not reading" critical information.
He then gets angry. He's burned many bridges in his business dealings, because of him having "to be in control". I've heard colleagues tell him that "Working with you is either your way or the highway". This infuriates him, and "they're out to get him or they're jealous", are other phrases he's used.
.

Now that Joe has been on medication for about 6 months (and behavior therapy), he's taking more responsibility for much of the miscommunication.

I have literally questioned my sanity at times, and him blaming me for so long has severly hurt my self esteem.

Lately, I've been wondering if he has been lying most of his life. His favorite soapbox is about "lying". He adamantly says, "You can do just about anything to me, just don't lie to me."
But, since learning about the add/adhd, I can see where many of the things he's told me about himself, also his version of how he treats others is a far cry from what may actually take place. Is this lying? or is it just how HE sees things?

There are issues He knowingly has lied about, and says he doesn't want to do anymore. But, I'm wondering if it's too late for him to change. How do I trust him again? or can't I ? Do some adhd'ers do this as a way of coping, if they're not diagnosed until adulthood?

Anyway, he talks about himself a LOT, always painting himself in a good light saying, "I know that I'm a good person". (he says this quite a bit)

I've asked him, "Why do you keep saying that"? "Do you believe that you aren't a good person"? and "Why don't you let others give you the compliments you need instead of talking so much about yourself? (he looked at me like I had 3 heads)
The behavior therapy has helped him carry on a better conversation by allowing me (or someone else) to talk or interject ideas. But still, he doesn't hear many things I say. I don't know where his mind goes, so now I've started asking him "Did you hear what I just said"?
I can't tell you how frustrated I've been from his denial of conversations that I KNOW took place, forgotten appointments, broken promises and a host of other items.
But, my main point is. Where does all this go? Is lying something that add'ers just do? Do they consider it lying, or coping? Or do they break it up into categories of acceptable and what's not?

I'm still learning, and I've a long way to go. It gets overwhelming. I see the damage in myself, and need to continue working this out. Some days I want to continue in the relationship and other days I want to run away as fast as I can. Anyway, I am still hanging in there, and am praying for better days.

I wish you well. (sorry this is so long)
Dede

Please keep in perspective the fact that ADHD is a lifespan disorder; in that the symptoms change with age.

For males, it is common to see some hyperactivity diminish somewhat during adolescence.

At the same time though, you must also be cognizant of the fact that restlessness is manifested instead.

That can translate into a "workaholic" adult later on.

ADHD,like any other problem, also has degrees of severity.

Moreover, "one size doesn't fit all."

Therefore, it is vitally important to keep up with the research behind the disorder.

One of the things that is either unknown or overlooked is the developmental lag in social & emotional maturity that is part of the disorder.

ADHD is a developmental disability;in that the symptoms represent delays compared to same age/ gender peers.

For adults, that often translates into being "stuck" somewhere in the 20's if you will.

Therefore, immature behavior is often an artifact.

(This is referring to ADHD Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive & COmbined thpe and not Inattentive (formerly called "ADD").

I've seen these data presented by both Sam Goldstein & Russ Barkley.

In his presentation from June of 2000, Barkley mentions this in describing the developmental deviance that defines the disorder.

good luck

tc
mctavish23
(Robert)

I agree with kilted_scotsman, ADD+Behaviors.


ADD is an attention issue not a lacking in morals.


I am hyperactive ADD and I have never had a problems with lying. I have had a few problems with :foot:



I also think speedo is right when he said what is an important detail to you may not even register on our radar screen at all.



I live with an ADD man so I know how difficult it can be I have been subject to

I have literally questioned my sanity at times, and him blaming me for so long has severly hurt my self esteem.



If it isn't really some thing you did why accept the blame? He can blame but this in no way obligates you to accept the blame.

Gary used to try this all the time and every once in a while he still does. When Gary blames me for some thing he has done or said , or tried to make me feel responsible for HIS feelings and his reactions I tell him to go eat a bug and come back when he wants to act like an adult and accept responsibility for HIS behaviors, attitudes and decisions. I have enough of my own to be responsible for.

He used to push it but I am as hyper as he is I am just more laid back . . . well I am to an extent. . .when I am pushed or my boundaries have been violated despite reminders of where they are I do a 180. I do not get screaming mad very often so some times he forgets I can.


But what has hurt me the most is that he's blamed much of themisunderstood things on me. "You don't hear things right", is a phrase that I've heard for years


Misunderstandings take two people even if there is nothing wrong with either of their hearing. Different people do have different perspectives.



There are issues He knowingly has lied about, and says he doesn't want to do anymore. But, I'm wondering if it's too late for him to change. How do I trust him again? or can't I ?

It already sounds like you don't. Why be in a relationship with some one you can't trust?




Do some adhd'ers do this as a way of coping, if they're not diagnosed until adulthood?

Some perhaps but not all. I was actually worse about being impulsively honest before I was medicated. Medication doesn't make me lie it just helps me to recognized those circumstances where what I think needs to be kept to myself.

Like kilted said ADD+learned behaviors.

Several of these posts felt very familiar to me.
I deal with ADD (untreated, for now...) and I lie. And it's almost habitual. I rarely lie about really serious or important things, but I'm always finding myself lying about stupid little things or embellishing stories with lies or half-truths. I've been doing it since I was a child and I believe it came out of feeling low self-esteem.
It's some thing I think about a lot and have for years been trying to stop. I've gotten way better about it... Now I'll often correct myself in conversation and restate something to make it more truthful, but I'm still so disturbed that it keeps happening.
I just recently married the woman of my dreams and I want nothing but honesty between us. But I've already lied to her about things such as stories from my past, and the state of current projects, etc.
Sometimes I guess I just feel like such a screw-up that I have to lie a little bit to present myself in a better light.
I wish I could make it all stop tomorrow, but I know I can't. Like I've said before, I've gotten better about it, but I fear I'll struggle with this and its repercussions for the rest of my life.
Kinda sucks. ADD sucks. So does this hangover...