So it looks as if i'll be a "post *****" for a bit...to make up for my absence of not being on the board. Heh, this is actually making me feel better as a type along. Well even though I dont mind being single atm...I started to reflect back on my previous relationships with girls through my life and I realized my biggest problem.....that the reason why many of my relationships only lasted as "flings" is because for one, I dont trust women and I dont know if it has anything to do with my parents splitting up thats given me a distrust towards the other gender.

Another reason that I had problems was because that I view women in a negative way and that I made some bad choices.."wanting the one you cant have and when you have it you dont want it anymore" thats the one paradox that seems to always tear me apart.

Also, as it would be nice to be with a women who is somewhat introverted but likes to do other things other than going out and getting drunk or being a religious crazy person. But I am being honest with myself... I dont think i've ever been in love with anyone before and not having a woman who ever loved me other than my mom makes my relationship experiences even more difficult. Im a heartless *******!!!!:D


So anyone out there who can relate or give some advice on how to beat this thing would be great.

Coming from a family of all women(myself included) I can relate to your existing assumptions or "feelings" towards women.

My mother had the worst luck in terms of relationships, and, as a result poisoned her daughters minds with glass after glass of her reflection of men only being selfish, untrustworthy, and will "ruin your life".

She was of course RIGHT,but, only about the men SHE knew.

As a result, I still battle my mothers negative naggings,whenever I spot some questionable behaviours or personality "flaws" in the men I know and love(my bf)

Im not exactly sure what you were seeking in your post, but, I wanted to say that its great that you have taken the time to reflect. The fact that you can see what your problems are and how you feel about them is actually the very first AND important step towards change.

There are numerous beneficial therapies available that wont only shed light on WHY you feel the way you do, but, could also shed light on where you learnt it from, or what instances in life led you to distrust in the first place.

When we see what we are doing, we can take more time to think proactively why we think that way... and how we can alter our minds and perceptions for the better.

Good Luck.

-V

Healthy people are attracted to other healthy people. . . . they are not attracted to people who have a negative attitude toward them simply because they are female {or male, green eyed, having six toes ect. . . .}.

All trust issue begin within self. I am not advocating gullibility but sensibility. Healthy people who see horse hockey on legs will move to avoid ASAP so although we are not afraid to trust we are NOT gullible either.

People who have trust issues are people to be avoided when it comes to relationships

#1 Being unable to trust others simply due to their gender means you have little trust in your ability to handle the emotional fall out should "the worst happen". This denotes emotional insatiability thus baggage in bunches. . .no thanks.

In reality you probably already are experiencing pain to some degree however you simply do not realize the answer like the cause of this is within you and your perception.


#2 - those who can not trust often cannot be trusted either

Most people think every one is like them and plays the same games. We all tend to base other people's expected reactions based upon how we would react in the same situation.

I can simply tell you what a healthy person sees in the information provided in your post however I am not qualified to tell you how to get emotionally healthy {meaning = in the relationship department}.


Perhaps out side professional help may be in order as suggested. There is no shame in needing professional assistance. . . .I mean if you broke your arm would you feel shame for needing professional assistance?

Healthy people are attracted to other healthy people. . . . they are not attracted to people who have a negative attitude toward them simply because they are female {or male, green eyed, having six toes ect. . . .}.

All trust issue begin within self. I am not advocating gullibility but sensibility. Healthy people who see horse hockey on legs will move to avoid ASAP so although we are not afraid to trust we are NOT gullible either.

People who have trust issues are people to be avoided when it comes to relationships

#1 Being unable to trust others simply due to their gender means you have little trust in your ability to handle the emotional fall out should "the worst happen". This denotes emotional insatiability thus baggage in bunches. . .no thanks.

In reality you probably already are experiencing pain to some degree however you simply do not realize the answer like the cause of this is within you and your perception.


#2 - those who can not trust often cannot be trusted either

Most people think every one is like them and plays the same games. We all tend to base other people's expected reactions based upon how we would react in the same situation.

I can simply tell you what a healthy person sees in the information provided in your post however I am not qualified to tell you how to get emotionally healthy {meaning = in the relationship department}.


Perhaps out side professional help may be in order as suggested. There is no shame in needing professional assistance. . . .I mean if you broke your arm would you feel shame for needing professional assistance?
Yeah pretty much you've clarified everything that I already reflected on, as maybe I wasnt so clear in my writing of the topic, but this is something moreso of PAST TENSE. I believe I am in the "moving forward" process at this current moment. For any problem or addiction...admiting and the realization of possibly "why" is the first step towards recovery.

So its been almost 3 years since i've been with a woman, so my main goal is to really work on myself like heck, get my priorities straight and get what I want out of life...then through those positive steps I belive that i'll meet someone who's positive and emotionally stable, that wont happen though untill I am 100% out of the BS that i've entrenced myself into over the years. Slowly but surely each passing day I feel closer and closer to that 100%:)

Hi Lychweake,

I'm glad that you are recognizing your problems, as that is the first step. I really do think you will have to look deep inside yourself for the answers you seek. And you may not like the truth that you find when you look there. I'm not sure what word you used when you typed "post *****", but if it's the word I think it is, you might want to start there even. Before getting defensive, think about all the words you use that imply something demeaning about women, no matter the context. I realize you were talking about yourself, but think about why those words are in your vocabulary. Why does it seem okay to use those words at all? If you did not use a word that is demeaning to women, than ignore what I just wrote.

I would recommend a good therapist. Maybe someone who can help you find the roots of your problems and help you solve them. Identifying them is one step, yes, but the next is to be truly and honestly open to change.

Hi Lychweake,

I'm glad that you are recognizing your problems, as that is the first step. I really do think you will have to look deep inside yourself for the answers you seek. And you may not like the truth that you find when you look there. I'm not sure what word you used when you typed "post *****", but if it's the word I think it is, you might want to start there even. Before getting defensive, think about all the words you use that imply something demeaning about women, no matter the context. I realize you were talking about yourself, but think about why those words are in your vocabulary. Why does it seem okay to use those words at all? If you did not use a word that is demeaning to women, than ignore what I just wrote.

I would recommend a good therapist. Maybe someone who can help you find the roots of your problems and help you solve them. Identifying them is one step, yes, but the next is to be truly and honestly open to change.
you know...I recently made amends with the last woman that I was getting involved with...we are friends of course...but it was a very liberating experience..she even said she was "proud" of me...LOL. I feel all of the negative BS starting dissolve and the more that I meditate the more its helping...therapy is important..but whats more important is realizing that the only person who can help is thyself. In my situation..therapy would just be another trap. I found the best solution is the realization that I must free any emotional attachment that I have to those or any compulsive thought that Im not going to act upon. At the point my "transcendence" has begun and at this current moment my mind is clear and im free of worry.

Good, it's great to see that you are starting to open up your mind a little more. I used to have the same problem. One day it hit me that I needed to take a long, hard look at why I was attracting men that were so unhealthy for me. Once I became emotionally healthy, the men that I attracted were, for the most part, completely the opposite of what I had always catagorized "all-men" to be.

So, hang in there, and remember, if you want to find a healthy woman, you first need to be a healthy man.

Chele

My experience is men and woman have more in common than we think we do. You can't judge someone by their gender, only by their character. Someone's morals and beliefs comes from their upbringing, role models, etc, not their gender.

I agree with the part about sound minded people choosing sound minded mates.

I am glad to see that you made amends with the last woman that you were involved with.

I had an ADD boyfriend who really did me over (See my post in this area). I sure wish that he had the courage to make amends and apologize. And get some therapy, too... I think that he had some, however. He was on medication. I guess he still needs more.

Ohhhhh, I so needed to read a males point of view, just right about now.

I have finally learned the fine art of becoming a guy's friend. This decision was based on years of having a warped perception of what love was. Ok, so now I think I have mastered the art of building a solid foundation of friendship. In many cases, I had to look at these men as 'brothers' and put that thought of taking it any further as being taboo. This established that line drawn in the cement that signified to step over would mean to sabatoge it all.

Now, I find myself attracted to such a friend in more then a friend kind of way. What happens? He turns around and says, "I can't get it out of my mind, that whenever I look at you, I see my sister." And that he loves me like a sister.

Major OUCH!!!

I'm thinking, I have stepped away from my only ADD/ADHD support system for too long and left to my own devices... can get myself into trouble.

I reflect on the meaning of love and how when we love someone, why is that love not enough? and why do we want more? and why is it when we get what we want we want it no longer? I have concluded: It is enough in just knowing he loves me.

Hmmmmm, not sure that helped your dilemma... but, it helped me... is it really about trusting woman, versus trusting your interpretation of love?

Yeah pretty much you've clarified everything that I already reflected on, as maybe I wasnt so clear in my writing of the topic, but this is something moreso of PAST TENSE. I believe I am in the "moving forward" process at this current moment. For any problem or addiction...admiting and the realization of possibly "why" is the first step towards recovery.


You are soo right it isn't even funny. I understand knowing where the problem is and knowing what to do to fix it is two different things.

I was basing my response due to my own experiences, I have had problems with trust in the past once I discovered it was me I had more hope because I could change that.

I think being ADD could make these kind of issues more common. I began my healing when I discovered how to make and maintain personal boundaries, It took ADD treatment with medication, counseling, and months for me to work through this one issue. I categorize soo poorly that I didn't have any personal boundaries nor was I able to recognize them in others. This caused me to have a lot of relationship problems. I either let people be emotionally abusive to me or I was emotionally abuse toward them - {I took turns to avoid monotony. } It was due to the negative experience for reason unknown to me that caused me to have problem with trust issues. If getting in a relationship and caring meant having my heart ripped out of my chest I mean after a couple of attempts one kind of becomes "gun shy". We all have "needs" but who needs to be hurt repeatedly because of this. I understand you are simply getting needs fulfilled the best way you know how but there are better ways.

I know it isn't strictly a male thing because many females have the same problems and handled it the same way as you did I know I have been there myself.



Once I learned about personal boundaries how to have them/protect them and recognize them in others I began to do a lot better with my ability to trust myself and others. The boundary thing was like the key that opened the relationship gate so I did not have to be afraid any more. It did not come naturally for me nor am I especially smart. I am one of those people who had to have professional assistance even then it was a pretty rocky road for me. I can be ummmm hard headed - :o



So its been almost 3 years since i've been with a woman, so my main goal is to really work on myself like heck, get my priorities straight and get what I want out of life...then through those positive steps I belive that i'll meet someone who's positive and emotionally stable, that wont happen though untill I am 100% out of the BS that i've entrenced myself into over the years. Slowly but surely each passing day I feel closer and closer to that 100%

Way to go! I am glad to hear it.



have finally learned the fine art of becoming a guy's friend. This decision was based on years of having a warped perception of what love was. Ok, so now I think I have mastered the art of building a solid foundation of friendship. In many cases, I had to look at these men as 'brothers' and put that thought of taking it any further as being taboo. This established that line drawn in the cement that signified to step over would mean to sabatoge it all.


Yep this is the ticket. Being able to create and stay within a boundary was a MAJOR step for me toooo . It took me a while to "get it" and yes I made some major blunders along the way. Not crossing "the physical line" hmmmm yep I totally resemble that remark. It does get easier with practice.


I'm thinking, I have stepped away from my only ADD/ADHD support system for too long and left to my own devices... can get myself into trouble.


Finding hot water and immediately falling in! Hey I can do that really well toooo. I think hot water has some sort of ADDer magnet in it some where. :p

Perhaps out side professional help may be in order as suggested. There is no shame in needing professional assistance. . . .I mean if you broke your arm would you feel shame for needing professional assistance?
Hello Meadd:

Lychweake stated "wanting the one you cant have and when you have it you dont want it anymore" thats the one paradox that seems to always tear me apart."

My question is "Is this type of thinking prevalent in men with ADD?"

Cleopatra

Hello Meadd:

Lychweake stated "wanting the one you cant have and when you have it you dont want it anymore" thats the one paradox that seems to always tear me apart."

My question is "Is this type of thinking prevalent in men with ADD?"

Cleopatra

That type of thinking is prevalent in almost everyone. I cringe sometimes when I see some of the things people want to attribute to ADD. I'll give examples. You've never heard people talking about guys who, "Just like the thrill of the hunt?" What about "nice guys finish last?"

These are examples of two different common things. The first is that guys like attaining the women because it's exciting, but once the woman is attained, there is really nothing exciting about the relationship. This is common among many men, which means there's a good chance it's common among men with ADD as well.

The second example is what happens when women meet a guy who is not exciting and too easy to maintain. Now, I don't think nice guys finish last at all, but the guys who use that saying all the time generally have a mistaken perception of what nice is. They act like doormats, letting women walk all over them and having no confidence, but they think that is what a nice guy does. Obviously, this is extremely boring for the woman, because who wants to date someone they can walk all over? I've heard it referred to as the "gumby syndrome."

Now those examples aren't the same, but they both illustrate that the challenge is often what attracts us to other people. That's why many guys feel that it's more exciting when you're wanting the girl you can't have, and that's why many women fall into the trap of being stuck with "bad boys" or in relationships they shouldn't be in.

No. This isn't ADD.

This is a transference ('baggage') thing. (Most things we don't understand, are transferences and projections and reinactments, etc.)

We can hate women (who often represent our idiotic/naive mothers or alternate vulnerable primary caregivers) b/c they were victimized by predatory or powerful people (often men).

(The aggressor is too powerful to hate. Identification with the aggressor is common. Sexism often reinforces this social structure, too. The woman is always at fault, the man is always right.)

At least this is how it was explained to me in therapy, and school.

I can relate to this b/c my own mother chose jerk after jerk, despite my warnings as I got older.

We hate them for being so blind, and not frikkin' listening to the cues and ignoring our reactions to bad things that later became harmful.

(When I say "hate", i probably mean "resent".)

---------

1. If you had a strong mom and a wimp/beaten down dad, the dynamic would go one of two ways, depending on who you "identify" with.

2. If you empathized with weak parent, then you would play the weak role; if you empathized with the strong parent, then you would play out the aggressor role, in your future roles and friendships and rel'ps.

3. This reinactment goes for areas other than rel'ps. It can happen with other authority figures you encounter.

For example: Why do some people REALLY hate cops? Why do some people just TOTALLY & wimpily defer ALL their health concerns & responsibility to doctors, b/c "doctor knows best", etc?)

They are playing out unspoken roles. (e.g. "I won't let my boss or some cop bully me around like my father/mother did." or "I am the man of the house" or "I am helpless over my health".)

Much violence and anger and rage and "hating" stems from from early life shame and humiliation where we were powerless.

When Shakespeare said we all play roles (reinacting what we have learned)and all the world's a stage (society), he was right. :S

Anyway, there's your Social Work 101 course in a nutshell...