Have any of you guys with ADD ever gone back to a woman that you were involved with and admitted your mistakes (I am not assuming that it's all your fault. I just mean if that was the situation with any of you) and tried to resume a relationship? Have any of you received counseling and gone back to a relationship years later? Have any of you contacted a former love, made amends, and/or have tried to get back together?

Without going into my story, which is actually posted in this forum, do you guys just move on and never revisit it?

Just curious...

Hello again. I'm just inputting something here to re-request some responses from some ADD males. Thank you.

I can't say that I've ever been inclined to revisit past relationships. I can think of a few whom I'd like to see again, but beyond that I have no interest in rehashing old issues.

Me :D

I made attempts at mending the relationship with my ex-wife. It ended very badly and I did admit to my mistakes. I didn't want to get back together with her...I wanted to end the insanity--since we have two kids from our marriage.

It didn't work. She hates me and has successfully made sure that our kids have no contact with me.

This relationship ended more than 6 years before I knew I had ADD.
I haven't spoken to her in at least 5 years.

There's a lot to the story but the short end of it was I have ADD and she was or still is a cokehead alcoholic.

In my head I revisit it at least once a week. I mourn for the loss of my kids...but I can never get closure because they're still out there. I'm still hoping someday I'll get a call that I'm a grandpa. It's more likely I'll find out by mistake many years after the fact.

Nothing I did warranted the revenge she enacted upon me.

Wow. Sorry to hear that.

I was just hoping to get one positive response from an ADD guy.

Then, I have to put this question out there to the ADD guys.

If you don't want to revisit a past relationship, why is that?

Is it the woman?

Is it your past mistakes you don't want to face?

Is it that you just see it as "the past?"

Are you afraid of what might happen if a relationship was mended?

Viewpoints wanted. Thanks.

You wouldnt luv Koalas if you really knew what they are about. Smelly, little buggers who sleep all the time and dont have much motivation. They do look cute though.

My wife calls me a Koala. Ha ha - true story!

Anyway I didnt have many relationships before meeting my life partner none of them matched up to her anyway. I havent really given the pasties much thought mainly because I cant remember much about them and they are the past. Some fellas get a bit cut up about bad relationships, I dont and I dont intend to start now.

The relationships that I have buggered up with friends and family are the ones that bother me the most.

Cheers for now
Kezza

Why revisit a past relationship? It obviously failed for a reason, and there are plenty of other females in the world that you don't have all kinds of previous baggage with, so it just doesn't seem to make sense to move backwards.

I'm still friends with a bunch of my ex girlfriends, but I would never want to actually date any of them again.

Why? Because maybe someone really loved someone.

See, this is where I'm going to disagree with a lot of guys. I don't understand why someone would rather move on with someone else (especially in my case, although you guys don't know all of the circumstances) and have to rehash everything to someone new instead of trying to just make amends without having to reintroduce themselves and all of their problems. Especially since I wasn't the culprit (but you'll have to take my word again on this).

Why revisit a past relationship? It obviously failed for a reason, and there are plenty of other females in the world that you don't have all kinds of previous baggage with, so it just doesn't seem to make sense to move backwards.


My ex kept telling me about "moving forward." It just sounds like to me, at least in my circumstances, that "my ADD ex" ruined the relationship, and then even after I wanted to forgive him and go back, he would rather "chicken out."

But don't take that personally. I don't know what anybody else's circumstances are.

See, this is where I'm going to disagree with a lot of guys. I don't understand why someone would rather move on with someone else (especially in my case, although you guys don't know all of the circumstances) and have to rehash everything to someone new instead of trying to just make amends without having to reintroduce themselves and all of their problems. Especially since I wasn't the culprit (but you'll have to take my word again on this).

You're free to disagree, but that doesn't change the fact that other people, including your ex apparently, don't agree with your feelings. You asked a question, I answered.

Many of your posts seem laced with anger and accusation, which honestly makes me think it was worthless to even answer your question, because you apparently have no interest in hearing the answer. For instance, you claiming he "chickened out" because he didn't want to get back with you. That is pure speculation, you have no idea what was really going on in his head. Honestly, from the tone of the posts, it sounds like you're bitter that he didn't want to go back.

Also, I fail to see what this topic has to do with ADD men. Are you implying that they're the only men who don't want to go back to an old relationship?

No. I just wanted to get opinions.

Not so much bitterness. Hurt. But again, I don't want to repost my situation.

For instance, you claiming he "chickened out" because he didn't want to get back with you. That is pure speculation, you have no idea what was really going on in his head.


My opinion.

That's cool. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Iluvkoalas


I am going to try be serious this time. Do you really understand the person who doesnt want to come back to you ?

Most of the people I know have a relationship and sometimes the relationship fails , some people try again, others keep moving forward. Regardless if someone has ADD or not we are all different and have our own reasons for doing stuff.

You should talk with your partner, if you cant you should look elsewhere and move on.

I dont think that you should tag ADD. Everyone is different but in some ways we all do the same stuff.

If you really tried to understood what things mean you wouldnt love Koalas.

Cheers
Kezza

A) Yes, I'm well aware of it. Although, everything was his fault. Then you're probably wondering why I would want to be with him. Long story over several years... Even more than I've previously posted in other forums. You don't have to believe me. You certainly don't know his side of the story.

B) I already have talked with him. Like I posted in the other forum, he told me that he still loved me and told me that he wanted to be friends me, go out sometimes, and see how things go. Then, he said later that all of that "never happened."

C) I haven't tagged all ADD guys.

D) Koalas are cute.

Honestly, I don't think it's possible for everything in a relationship to be one person's fault. The world simply isn't that black and white. I mean that would require the person to have literally no redeeming value.

I can't post all of the details here. It would be pages and pages long, maybe...

Well, after what he did, well, yeah...

Okay maybe it's 1% mine. But 99.99999% his.

Honestly, I don't think it's possible for everything in a relationship to be one person's fault. The world simply isn't that black and white. I mean that would require the person to have literally no redeeming value.

Can you please call my wife and tell her that? I've grown weary of debating with her that she is always right.

Can you please call my wife and tell her that? I've grown weary of debating with her that she is always right.

It's like debating a religious zealot, you can't win because they don't argue logically. Nothing I can do about that. :(

I just finished reading "He's Just Not Into You"by Greg Behrendt.

Not that I agree that this is the case, but I have agreed to go on.

I don't know exactly why I feel like I had to post it here.

I just hope he someday realizes when he's alone and lonely how good he had it.

That's not a very healthy mindset. I mean I've had negative experiences with a few people, but I would never wish something like that on any of them. If anything, I usually hope they find the solution to whatever problems caused them to act the way they did.

Rather than hoping he realizes he had it good, you should be focusing on making everything good for you now. Forget him, he's the past, keep him there. Just keep fighting, and I'm sure you'll come out of the situation stronger and happier.

Thanks.

You're welcome. Please stick around and keep your head up. I'm really not a mean guy, I swear.

i have.. infact ive done that with just about every x-gf lol it usually turns into us being friends again maby even more then into fighting and then not talking (again) rinse wash and ..w/e comes next lol

What do you mean? What have you done? Related to my experience?

Nice wolf picture.

I for one feel the past is the past and I don't really have any interest in reliving it, which includes the good, the bad and the ugly as well. My memory is terrible so the past doesn't really haunt me and truthfully, I prefer to live in the moment.



On a side note, relationships that have a great deal of emotional baggage are difficult. I feel terrible about some past relationships but they have ended so why would I want to pick up something that did not work and do it again?



Marriage is a bit different and with out getting into religious and spiritual beliefs you sometimes need to work through the rough spots. There are even times in a marriage when working it out won’t be in the cards.



In a relationship which is not a marriage the best option may be to move on when things don't work. Sometimes that can be more difficult for one partner than another however you need to recognize you don’t have a choice if the other person decides the relationship is over. In all honesty, I don't think this is an ADD thing it is like one of those "Laws of the Universe" kinda deals.



I wish you the best and suggest not dwelling on the past... just move forward.



Cowboy

In all honesty, I don't think this is an ADD thing it is like one of those "Laws of the Universe" kinda deals.

I don't understand.

What I was saying is that when the other person in a relationship wants to move on you really don't have a choice in what is going to happen.


This is not something that has anything to do with your ex having ADHD. This would apply to everyone universally, it is simply the way things are. You will need to find a way to accept that he has decided to move on. Try not to over analyze or assign blame.


Best...
Cowboy

What I was saying is that when the other person in a relationship wants to move on you really don't have a choice in what is going to happen. living this exact scenario right now...after 5yrs my wife's done with me. was just dx about a year ago. meds working inconsistently+headshrinker hasn't been particularly great+not having enough perspective on the damage I'd done before+not understanding until now that coaching could help me live a more organized life=buh-bye wifey.:( there's nothing I can do or say, nothing for her to read, to try and have her gain understanding of where I'm coming from...where I've been. she's decided and that's it. at least it's not up in the air anymore, but the tremendous amount of frustration I feel from her not taking a moment to stop and look at this...pretty devastating.

I heard or read something about how the last half of the time in a relationship is the time someone is leaving.

So, if you've been together for 5 years and there have been problems or the desire to split up by either person it's been at least 2 years that person has been thinking about or planning it.

That may have come from a movie for all I know...but I think it's true...my previous relationship included. I was married for 13 years and for literally 6.5 years I was looking for someone else. I know almost to the day when I decided I was done.

Unfortunately, I feel like I hit that point in my current marriage about 4 years ago...which would be at the 11 year mark so I figure we have 6 years left...ah heck! Who really knows?

I heard or read something about how the last half of the time in a relationship is the time someone is leaving.


I don't know about the last half of time exactly, but it was said in a book that I read that a person doesn't get out of it right away and is already out of the relationship before they actually leave.

Unfortunately, I feel like I hit that point in my current marriage about 4 years ago...which would be at the 11 year mark so I figure we have 6 years left...ah heck! Who really knows?
If that's how you're wording it, are you really unhappy? Doesn't sound that way to me.


Try not to over analyze or assign blame.

Uh, no. Disagree...

Funny, both of the previous posters are on line with me now.

Try not to over analyze or assign blame.
Maybe this is where women & men differ. Men might not assign blame, but women do. And it helps us cope. Maybe men don't need this.

Possibly, you are stereotyping at bit???

No offense was meant… I was just trying to be helpful!



Best Wishes,

Cowboy

No stereotyping done.

No offense taken.

I made attempts at mending the relationship with my ex-wife. It ended very badly and I did admit to my mistakes. I didn't want to get back together with her...I wanted to end the insanity--since we have two kids from our marriage.

It didn't work. She hates me and has successfully made sure that our kids have no contact with me.

This relationship ended more than 6 years before I knew I had ADD.
I haven't spoken to her in at least 5 years.

There's a lot to the story but the short end of it was I have ADD and she was or still is a cokehead alcoholic.

In my head I revisit it at least once a week. I mourn for the loss of my kids...but I can never get closure because they're still out there. I'm still hoping someday I'll get a call that I'm a grandpa. It's more likely I'll find out by mistake many years after the fact.

Nothing I did warranted the revenge she enacted upon me.
dude, that is harsh, she should not be able to do that, that is just totally out of line. Cannot you fight this? You really should be able to see your kids, it is just wrong for them not to have a father figure in their life and I cannot believe the system would to that to you.

As for the original poster, no way would I go back. I would have no self respect left if I went back to a woman who treated me like dirt and had no respect for me simply because I have ADD. That is supplicating behavior of the worst kind. There are tons of other women out there...next.....

As for the original poster, no way would I go back. I would have no self respect left if I went back to a woman who treated me like dirt and had no respect for me simply because I have ADD. That is supplicating behavior of the worst kind. There are tons of other women out there...next.....
You misunderstood. I am the original poster. I am female. I do not have ADD. My ex has it. It is the other way around. Yes, he treated me with much disrespect.

There is more to the story.

As I said, I bumped into him several months ago.

I told him that I accepted him for who he was and his ADD, which I did not know about at the time, but I had suspicions.

He showed up late a lot of times, not 15 minutes late, but 40 or 60 minutes. He was never apologetic. Whether he was into me or not, regardless, that is disrespectful.

As I posted before, when I bumped into him, he lied to me about (ahem) certain man things that a guy is usually ashamed about. This I found out by perusing a dating website that I am now on. I figured he must be "fully functional" if he is looking for a wife and children, per his profile. Plus, you have to understood that I knew this to be partly true, so he used something that is very personal to a man and something that I knew to be partially true against me, someone who loved (loves) him much.

When I bumped into him, he said that he loved me years ago and now. Then 2 months later, when I talked to him on the phone, he said, "IT NEVER HAPPENED." Not I changed my mind or anything, just "IT NEVER HAPPENED."

I was so good to him (although you certainly don't have him here to hear his side, and I haven't seem him post here). I was loving to him. I did everything he wanted to do activity wise. I was supportive. And still I got the old favorite, "We don't have anything in common."

What is even worse is that he doesn't think that I or our relationship was worth it go back and fix what he broke.

iluvkoalas,
Your ex clearly has more issues than just having ADD and IF he's self medicating with alcohol or worse things that would explain having random amnesia. It's not uncommon, unfortunately.

Also, I have a question for you that has no direct connection with your relationship issue with your ex--it's more of a side conversation...but, have you considered being tested for ADD yourself?

I'm only asking this because in many cases ADD'ers are attracted to other ADD'ers...and you have 2 ex-boyfriends with ADD, and you know many others with ADD or have friends with ADD. I'm just wondering if that might be due to the like attracts like theory.

Also, I have a question for you that has no direct connection with your relationship issue with your ex--it's more of a side conversation...but, have you considered being tested for ADD yourself?
Thanks for the question, but I don't have it. Not kidding. I'm not an ADDer. I attract them because I am EXTREMELY organized, I think.

In my case, I suppose it's "opposites attract," although I would not say that I was completely opposite of both of my exes. Just with the ADD.

But you guys are so right about ADD and different personalities are, though. Both my exes were so different in personality. Even with how the ADD affected them. One had severe punctuality problems, one didn't. One was more considerate than the other. One was more annoying that the other, etc.

Your ex clearly has more issues than just having ADD and IF he's self medicating with alcohol or worse things that would explain having random amnesia. It's not uncommon, unfortunately.


Possible. I will entertain that.

I also think that my directness and sincerity attract ADDers, as well. Something that they sense, I suppose. It happened immediately with my 2 exes, and almost a third guy (again, unconfirmed ADD), but I knew that he had it. I was doing a show with him, just like with my ex (not ex-ex). He kept forgetting his script and he had punctuality problems. Red flag. I was very attracted to him, though. Still, I knew... He ended up getting thrown out of the show for not showing up, so that was the end of that.

I know people without ADD who aren't punctual or organized. So, I'm not sure those are necessarily red flags.

back to the original question about "moving on"...did you approach these guys initially? Is that what you mean by being direct?

If so, I would presume they are more on the introverted side which means they are less likely to try and come back and fix a relationship. If they couldn't or didn't approach you to begin with, for whatever reason, when things were new and exciting and fresh, then they wouldn't be the type of person who would brave possible emotional turmoil to salvage a relationship.
Even if they did approach you at first they aren't likely to want to sort through the problems of a relationship on top of their own personal chaos or turmoil.

One of the symptoms or issues with ADD is the inability to accurately sense the passing of time or to keep track of time. With your exes, even if they thought about fixing things up with you they may have found themselves with the dilemna that a lot of time has passed and they feel it's too late because saying anything now would make them seem really stupid and uncaring.

All of this is assumption on my part based on what I've been through...so thanks for letting me explore my own weaknesses when it comes to women. :)

I know people without ADD who aren't punctual or organized. So, I'm not sure those are necessarily red flags.



That's true, but punctuality problems with other ADD symptoms are.

back to the original question about "moving on"...did you approach these guys initially? Is that what you mean by being direct?
I never approached them. They approached me. In fact, my ex (the one I am talking about here) went after me quite a bit. When I talk about directness, I mean that I am very straightforward. I speak what I mean, and you always know where you stand with me.

Even if they did approach you at first they aren't likely to want to sort through the problems of a relationship on top of their own personal chaos or turmoil.

Agreed.

One of the symptoms or issues with ADD is the inability to accurately sense the passing of time or to keep track of time. With your exes, even if they thought about fixing things up with you they may have found themselves with the dilemna that a lot of time has passed and they feel it's too late because saying anything now would make them seem really stupid and uncaring.

Strong possibility. But I think that there are other issues, as well. Nothing that have anything to do with me.

Thank you, as well.

You are helping me sort my feeling out, as well.

The only thing I ever do now is try to learn from any mistakes or miscommunications and then move on. I dont look back anymore beyond that.

But the message I'm trying to pass around is is that yes, it's great to move on, but there ARE things in life worth going back to.

But the message I'm trying to pass around is is that yes, it's great to move on, but there ARE things in life worth going back to.
I agree with that! There are too many times when running away is chosen only to have the same struggles follow us onto the next relationship. It's taken me many years and lots of reflection to realize that there were times I could have gone back to someone I cared about but didn't.

There is something quite valuable in having a mate who will stand by you and support you even though you've frequently been a twit. It is much more rewarding than trying to escape the mistakes and pain by finding the arms of someone else to start the whole thing over with.

Now I'm getting philosophical.

I agree with you that there are other issues that have nothing to do with you that are keeping your ex from coming back and rectifying the situation. Issues that he is probably not even clear about.

Thank you for your understanding.

This is "therapy" for me.

Fighting Boredom:

Just out of curiousity. Did you ever make amends with some of these previous people?

There haven't been more than a handful of relationships/women for me and my first marriage was the only relationship that I ended.

I tried to make amends with my ex-wife after I left...but she wasn't interested. I wasn't trying to get back together just wanted to have a civil relationship.

depending on the tone he used, it could also be his way of saying that he doesn't want to talk about it regardless of if it happened or not, kinda like saying "forget about it" or something along those lines.

I'm not sure if the previous comment was meant toward me, but I certainly got some of those "I don't want to talk about it" from him.

When he was talking about his mom's illness, he didn't want to do in to details about what sickness she had. He said, "I don't want to talk about."

When I recently asked him who he was living with, he said, "I don't want to talk about it."

Any feedback about this? Fear? Impatience?

Fighting Boredom, I commend your efforts to make amends. Wish my ex would. Still love him lots even though he d------- me.

depending on the tone he used, it could also be his way of saying that he doesn't want to talk about it regardless of if it happened or not, kinda like saying "forget about it" or something along those lines.


Wait a minute...Maybe, I'm misunderstanding. Do you mean when he said it never happened. What exactly are you referring to?

When I recently asked him who he was living with, he said, "I don't want to talk about it."

Any feedback about this? Fear? Impatience?

Still love him lots even though he d------- me.

It's more than fear or impatience it's a plain lack of direction...not defining what he's willing to fight for or even having any clear idea of what he wants out of life. I don't know the guy but I have some fairly good insight into people.

In general, people with or without ADD don't take the time to get specific about what they want their life to look like. So, when something good comes along they don't have a clue that it's good...because they haven't set any specific values for what is good forward progress versus what is not.

Toss in the inability to remember today what fleeting thought you had yesterday about what you want...and you have wishy washy chaos...with years of baggage from making daily changes in what you want.

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it because he has no clue what he wants the outcome to be. He knows that you know what you want it to be and it's easier for him to avoid the conversation than come to the realization that he hasn't got any plan, and is just blowing around with the wind.

It comes back to my description of ADD'ers. We like to chase shiny things...and while we're chasing one shiny thing we see something else shiny and start chasing that.

One day you were the new exciting shiny thing for this guy. He's probably at a place where he probably doesn't even know he's chasing shiny things. Maybe things started getting serious and something new and shiny (or even the thought of something new and shiny) came by and he's like a dog chasing cars...on the chase again.

I have more that I could say...but I'll stop preaching for a while and see if in of this makes sense so far--first.

Thank You.

You're not preaching.

Tell me more (You said that you had more).

I have posted myself on a dating site, so please don't mention to me about moving on.

I didn't mean anything in a negative way with the last sentence.

Please provide more insight. This really helps me.

Sorry that he isn't around here to give you his point of view. I honestly wish that he could provide it (believe it or not), but I think that he has moved on, would be too impatient to do it, or he might even be too ashamed.

Sorry, my train of thought was interrupted. My doctor gave me muscle relaxers for a thing in my back and said they would make me drowsy...no duh. I literally started nodding off at the keyboard!

Anyway, the train of thought was about his not wanting to talk about it.
Many ADD'ers think in pictures. I know that I do and this makes conversation difficult sometimes, especially when there is emotion and risk involved.
Let me explain.

Think of the old phrase "a picture says a thousand words". Then think about someone who thinks in pictures and their mind is racing all day long with thousands or tens of thousands of pictures of what they're thinking.
So, someone with ADD who has difficulty organizing their thoughts will, on an average day, have difficulty converting what they think in pictures to the words needed for a normal conversation. (a thousand words per picture times how many thousand pictures?)

Now, take that same person and put them in an emotionally intense or volatile situation. Now it is more important for them to make sense and they know they’ve had a history of blowing this type of conversation so they have to weigh out whether to even engage in the discussion.

If the discussion is with someone who is likely to interrupt (which is likely when it’s emotional ly charged) then the reflex response of an ADD’er is to just avoid the conversation.

This happens with my wife quite a bit. She’ll ask me about something, I’ll start telling her and then either from impatience or just being wired female(like we’re both supposed to be talking at the same time), she’ll interrupt me and say something. Then BLAM! My train of thought is blown and I’ll either forget the next thing I meant to say or lose track of the direction I was going in the conversation.

For me, this is even more irritating because she KNOWS I have ADD. She is the one who started watching Oprah talk about it in the 90’s and suggested that I have the same symptoms and should get checked.

I think ADD’ers become very good at shrugging off conversation because we think we can see that the outcome will be worse if we speak than if we just walk away. IMO, this is why ADD’ers don’t have friends and why those same ADD’ers spend lots of time online and make relationships online better than in person.

If I could edit my verbal responses the way I can edit my posts I would feel much more comfortable talking to people in person.

If you need to have this discussion with your ex in order to get closure...maybe you should ask him if he would chat with you via email?

P.S. You are correct that there is shame involved. We carry a lot of guilt for not dealing with things the way we think "normal folks" might handle them.

Well, I did e-mail him a month or so ago.

See, there is much more involved that I have written down. I actually tried to get back together with him over several years, even though he rejected me. In 2003, he told me that he would come down to the Chinese restaurant to talk with me. He was very specific about where to meet so, so I did not have any doubt about his intentions at that time. At that time, when I talked to him on the phone, I thought that he had lied about why he broke up me. He even denied saying that he loved me, which he did say, so I thought that he was covering up the real reason, which I suspected.

Anyway, fast forward to 10/06. For some reason, his birthday came around, and I HAD to contact him. For some reason, every time his birthday comes around, I have a strong need to contact him. Every time I have contacted him it was around his birthday.

I tried to contact him via several methods, one of which was a phone call. I called him. He answered the phone. After I told him who I was, He said, "What???" Then, he rudely hung up on me even though he had no idea why I was calling.

Two days later, and this is a total coincidence , I bumped into him. So, at this point, I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him.

I asked him if he still loved me, and he nodded his head "yes." He said, "I'll call you and we'll go out sometimes." He also said, "Let's be friends and see how it goes."

Well, he didn't call me for 2 months, so I called him. Again, he denied this ever happened. He also said quite angrily, "I don't love you. I never loved you, and there was never anything between us."

When I met him, he told he that he had hernia surgery and was damaged. I told this to mean (and this again is really personal, but this is all anonymous, anyway) that he was impotent or has had much trouble with ED, which I knew to be a little bit truthful, as I dated him.

Then, 2 months later, I found him on the dating website I am on now. I e-mailed him asking him why he lied to me about ED. Of all the things in the world to use to push me away? I mean, aren't guys ashamed of that. So now, even though the hernia surgery might be truth, he obviously can get you-know-what.

He sent me back a very cold e-mail response, something to the tune of:

Chase the past and you will end up with nothing.

I am your ancient past.

Actually, those are direct quotes.

When I dated him, he didn't actually say "I love you" a lot, but he did say that he loved me since he met me.

When I bumped into him, He said to me, "Are you sure this wasn't planned?" or something like that.

Granted, it was WEIRD to bump into 2 days after I called him, but I worked in his area for 4 months that year, coincidentally right around the corner from him, which I didn't know at the time, and I never bumped into him. I mean, I bumped into my cousin who lives up there and other people I knew, but never him, even though I prayed to bump into him.

So, in his last e-mail to him, he wrote" Good bye for ever." Just like that.

I told him that if he thinks that he can find someone better, go ahead.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to add.

After he told he about the surgery, I said, "So the break up had nothing to do with me."

He said, "No."

I said, "Why don't you get your hormone levels checked or try Viagra or Cialis?"

He said, "There's nothing that they can do." (meaning the doctors).

So yes, he was either strongly indicating impotency or very serious difficulty.

What about yourself in all this?

Do you really want to waiste your time on someone who behaves/treats you like this.

You are worth more than this.

There are 6.5 Billion people on the planet, the problem is too much choise.

List your goals and wants, and live them.

You only have 1 life...

He never said he was sorry, either.

He may not feel sorry about what he has done.

It's not nice, but don't expect anything from anyone. It may not be in his nature.

Thanks, Peabody.

There is more going on here than can be explained by ADD.

It sounds like you are coming to grips with this and realizing that it is a toxic relationship whatever he has for issues.

I doubt you will get the closure you are looking for from him. There are other ways to get closure and it's best to get closure...especially if you're moving on and want to be 100% present in any new relationship. HA! Listen to me...a guy with ADD talking about being 100% present...I'm not sure I'm capable of that. :D

You know what I mean though.


P.S. I just read Peabody's post about 6.5 billion people and that is something I've posted myself and totally agree with. Design your own life without him anywhere in it.

Thank you Fighting Boredom.

Any ideas about co-existing issues, though?

Why would a guy who had these problems want to get together with someone else (I mean, besides not wanting to be with me?)

He was lonely, wanted attention, an Ego boost, who knows, there could be 100 million and 1 reasons.

Don't get stuck in the why, look at what can I do now, how can I move forward.

I am in the process of getting a divorce, my soon to be ex is still in the place of why does this happen to me (she has always been the victim).

Being a Victim only keeps you in the situation.

Things do take time to heal, but if you sit their and try to heal it, it will take ages, but if you move on, it will heal more quickly because you aren't thinking about it.

When my ex sends me E-mails now, I don't get angry, I just reply by saying, have the lawyers deal with it, I have a place to off load the pain, so I can move on. It sucks that it costs lots of money, but hey, money vs health, health wins.

You did nothing wrong, don't question yourself. You are who you are and will always will be, stand in YOUR TRUTH!!

You can do it!

Again, thank you Peabody.

You are welcome.

Here are a couple of things that help me.

If I am not for myself, Who is?

If not now, then When?

Thank you Fighting Boredom.

Any ideas about co-existing issues, though?

What do you mean "co-existing issues"?

Like bipolar (which my friend has suggested), or underlying personality disorders.

I'm sure there are folks who are Bipolar but misdiagnosed as ADD.
It's also common for comorbid conditions to exist with ADD/ADHD.

There is also the possibility he suffers from twit-itous, lack-a-mamma, or plain-ol-jerkobia. :p


BTW, what are you doing up in the middle of the night?

I am a medical transcriptionist, and my work is due at 1:30 p.m. my time, so I need a lot of lead time.

No, he definitely has ADD. My friend thinks that he is bipolar, too.

Plain-ol-jerkobia.

No matter, I've been e-mailing this guy online, so we'll see what happens.

Thank you. This helps me much.

Have any of you guys with ADD ever gone back to a woman that you were involved with and admitted your mistakes (I am not assuming that it's all your fault. I just mean if that was the situation with any of you) and tried to resume a relationship? Have any of you received counseling and gone back to a relationship years later? Have any of you contacted a former love, made amends, and/or have tried to get back together?

Without going into my story, which is actually posted in this forum, do you guys just move on and never revisit it?

Just curious...I had a relationship with another woman for a long time. It was ... rocky.

Look, Im a strong guy when I have to be. But I dont like being strong all the time. I dont mind the woman wearing the pants. There are times when I wear the pants and times when the woman wears the pants. I dont think its fair that a man should be forced to fit a stereotype; strength. Strength can be a stereotype. I can contend, I work out, am working on kenpo and always practicing taiji, but that doesnt mean I like to fight. That doesn't mean that my word should always be the final say.

Dont get me wrong. I really looked up to my grandfather; he was a marine. Marines are very easy to look up to when you are a kid. He was strong and he didnt take anything from anybody. If he didnt like you he would say it right then and there to your face and that would be the end of it or you would be sorry. Thats just how he was. But I am not like that.

I will never be like that. I cannot be the anchor weight. I like being held knowing I am safe in another person's arms but I was always the one holding her. I was with her for about 6 years of my life. She was beautiful in every way and I have no regrets. But I cannot be something I am not.

She did not understand me. She did not understand the road I have walked to get where I am. Even though I tried and went back to her more than once because she was the one I trusted more than anyone else none of this ever changed.

There was another woman I was once with whom truly gave women a bad reputation. I have no love for this woman. She is manipulative and abusive and I destroyed every memory I ever had of her. There is nothing left in there to hate because she is dead to me now.
But the moment my lover of all these long years took a glance at my pain in her own frustration and broke that wound open all over again was the very moment she walked away from me. Even though I was the one who left her she said what she said, and that finally was the end of it in my eyes. Im not saying that what she said brought me pain. All I am saying is that she has no right at all to look for a pain, if it exists or not, for the sole purpose of pity.

I loved the other woman differently. I was totally enthralled to the other woman, during a time I was not with her, and so she was jealous. I mean, rumors spread ... and its not like I can stop people from talking about how I was with this other woman. "she could do no evil". She could sleep around; manipulate me into not leaving her; fake her own suicide; all these terrible terrible things and just the audacity to ...

I just cannot love like that anymore. Im not blind. I have moved on. Im a different person now. I see love differently. I used to see an angel; someone who could save me. I dont see that anymore because I realize that only I can save me. If I cant save me, who will? And if I cant save myself, who else can I save? If I cant love myself, how can I love another person?

So ... when I take a lover I am clear cut and true to the edge from the very moment it gets serious: I will love you as I love myself because we are one and the same.

Just ... think about that.:)

I just cannot love like that anymore. Im not blind. I have moved on. Im a different person now. I see love differently. I used to see an angel; someone who could save me. I dont see that anymore because I realize that only I can save me. If I cant save me, who will? And if I cant save myself, who else can I save? If I cant love myself, how can I love another person?


That's another thing about my ex, too. I don't think that he loved (& loves) himself very much.

So ... when I take a lover I am clear cut and true to the edge from the very moment it gets serious: I will love you as I love myself because we are one and the same.

I don't quite understand what this means.

In any case, for those of you who have been corresponding with me here, I might have met someone else...

Hey, I was wondering how you've been doing.

What's the new news?

I just went out with this guy I met on the online dating site. We had all of the chemistry...intellectual, romantic, etc.

Doesn't seem to be a psycho or jerk.

We'll see... I like him a lot.

Just remember to respect yourself, and don't be nice just too make the person like you!

I will respect myself. Thanks.

Good to hear that moving on is working for you.

As far as anything goes about making the guy like you...what's the line that Harrison Ford says in Six Days Seven Nights? "All you gotta do is show up".
:D

That's really funny.

Thanks.

Okay, so this guy that I have been seeing...

I went out on a couple of dates with him. (No, he doesn't have ADD, but since I have been "chronicalling' myself here, and you guys are a good sounding board...)

Our first date was great. We went to see a show. Definite chemistry and attraction. We had several phone conversations before and after that date. We talked for a long time. He asked me out again.

We went out on our second date last Thursday. We were supposed to see a free concert in a park. The concert ended up being canceled, but we spent three hours in the park.

We got very affectionate. This guy even was stroking my hand, kissing the top of my forehead, and cheek etc. (in addition to regular kissing) real romantically. At the end of the date, he kisses me romantically.

On Saturday, he calls me and says that he doesn't think that he has the same feelings that I have for him. Huh??!@??1? Apparently, this guy was divorced and he has some guilt feelings about his previous divorce and another girlfriend. His ex-wife remarried.

I told him to let go of his guilt because his ex-wife remarried. I told him that I was "worth it." I added that I wasn't conceited or had a big ego. I told him that I didn't believe that everything he did on Thursday was fake, and if it was, then he used me.

I don't get it.

He said that he had a lot to think about and that he would call me back. I actually believe that he will, only because he promised not to leave me hanging.

However, I have been very hurt before.

I don't get it.

He also asked me if I had plans on July 4th. I said, "No." He told me that he usually goes to a party on July 4th but that he would rather spend it with me.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????

Yes, he permanently rejected me. Besides the obvious that I probably did something wrong, any ideas?

IMO the first thing you did wrong, and probably theonly thing, is you doubted yourself.

It's easy to say, but not do.

He was unsure of himself, and he couldn't handle it.

Thank you, Peabody.

I like getting guys feedback better because sometimes it seems to be more accurate if it's a guy talking about another.

Sorry that he can't give you his side.

You are a guy, right?

Anyway, thank you.

Peabody, stupid question, but...

Can you just clarify what you mean specifically not being sure of himself? I mean, in what way?

We actually talked about both of our exes, and he said that he is really, really afraid of hurting me down the line. He said that my feelings for him were stronger than his.

I just don't get it. He was so tender with me. I really liked him. I still do.

Hey,

No such thing as a stupid question, the answer, well, that's another story, hope mine isn't too dumb..

last time I looked, It looked like I was a guy, and still am now.. :P

If he said he was afraid of hurting you, then he doesn't believe in himself because he is still taking responsibilty for someone elses emotions, not his.

Life is full of risks, and we hurt others and ourselves all the time, wether inadvertantly or on purpose. We can not sit there in the corner and go, "oh no, did I hurt them again, or will I" He is choosing to do that. I don't like to hurt people, but I can not let other people hurt determine how I do things, what hurts you may noit hurt another, it's where the intent is from.

Regardless of who's feelings were stronger, the important thing is this, do you believe in yourself, and yes you may hurt someone, was that your intention. What are your goals, what are you trying to do. The guy you went out with is possibly depressed.

I realize my answers may not come together in one piece, but try and step out of the box, look @ where his centre is with what he said.

You are so right. He admitted to having anxiety. Anxiety comes with depression a lot. Do you have ESP or something?

Thanks.

It would be nice to have ESP, but there are times that a few words placed in the right order can give a lot away..

Being a guy, and thinking those things once myself, and looking back on it, I can see where it is all coming from too.

No one really wants to hurt anyone, and sometimes when we question ourselfs, what you had mentioned are some of the things that can come to mind.

Sorry to beat a "dead horse," but I'm still hurting. I really, really liked this guy, and I thought that it was mutual, too.

He said, "This has to feel right in the heart."

Funny, I don't know exactly what type of weirdo vibe I was giving out.

Why don't guys ever come back? Don't they ever realize how good they had or could've had it?

Having a future and "dream" die sucks.

Especially when there is good feelings attached, and you get the dopamine rush (the drug your body produces that gives you the feeling of being in love).

There was noting you did that was wrong, it just wan't ment to be. Don't doubt yourself, he lost an oppurtunity with a good person. Sometimes people dan't realize, sometimes they do when it's too late.

The only guy who will realize it, is the guy who decides to work hard at it, and want to be with you for the rest of his life. You must also then do the same.

You are a good person, things will work out, I am sure of it.

Thanks.

Have any of you guys with ADD ever gone back to a woman that you were involved with and admitted your mistakes (I am not assuming that it's all your fault. I just mean if that was the situation with any of you) and tried to resume a relationship? Have any of you received counseling and gone back to a relationship years later? Have any of you contacted a former love, made amends, and/or have tried to get back together?

Without going into my story, which is actually posted in this forum, do you guys just move on and never revisit it?

Just curious...

Well, I can't speak for everyone. But I've only had a few relationships, and the first one ended. I did try and get back together with her for a while, but eventually I got over it and found someone much better.

So, I would say that for me, I tried to in the beginning, but in the end I just stopped revisiting it and moved on.

I did something terrible.

I wrote him a short e-mail.

I said that I was feeling better now. I just apologized for possibly scaring him away, and that my door was always open.

That's basically it. It's a little longer than that, but it wasn't long.

I mean, I think that I might have scared him away, but what he did was really bad. He shouldn't have been so tender with me and then dropped me like a baseball bat.

I was online, and so was he, although my online status is blocked. He didn't even read the letter. I just wanted him to read it, regardless of whether I got a response or it. He could've just read it.

I know how you feel.

I did something like this with an ex girlfriend because a friend of mine went on a few dates with her, I called her up, and it hurt more, but it was also closure.

You will be fine, you needed to express yourself, and you did it.

If you scared him away, then he was not right for you, especially if it was for a very short period of time you were with him.

He read it.

Here was his response. I didn't even expect this:

I'm glad that you are feeling better. It's been rough for me too. I don't enjoy hurting people. These ill feelings would have been avoided had I restrained myself in the park. Please don't change anything about yourself. There's nothing you should have done differently. You acted entirely appropriately. This is all my s--t.

I asked him if he would consider starting over. I'll probably get rejected, but...

If you scared him away, then he was not right for you, especially if it was for a very short period of time you were with him.
Thank you. We'll see what happens. Again, I'll probably get rejected, but I tried...

You did your best, no one can ask for more.

Right now, he seems to be reluctant to "start over," even though he hurt me.

But he will still talk with me. Perhaps, we can talk about his issues.

Well, I'm not sure if this is what you want to hear. But, you've done what you could do. All the advice I can really tell you now is to focus on your life and what you want out of it. Feel free to talk to him and whatever you want, and slowly build back your relationship without any pressure on yourself or him, in time if he really wants to be with you, he'll come around on his own.

Tenkoy, I don't necessarily disagree with you, but this is a new guy that I'm talking about now. We only dated a couple of times, but there's seems to be a "connection."

I know, it's WEIRD.

It just seems you really emotionally invested into something too quickly and too soon (impulsivity?). It's going to hurt the more you dream about it, unless you can detach yourself, and it comes accross as you having a hard time doing so

Well, when you've been kissed like I was...

Anyway, please don't judge me too harshly. This guy seems to be a good guy. So we'll see...

And if nothing comes of it, you'll hear about the next guy, unless it works out.

Have any of you guys with ADD ever gone back to a woman that you were involved with and admitted your mistakes (I am not assuming that it's all your fault. I just mean if that was the situation with any of you) and tried to resume a relationship? Have any of you received counseling and gone back to a relationship years later? Have any of you contacted a former love, made amends, and/or have tried to get back together?

Without going into my story, which is actually posted in this forum, do you guys just move on and never revisit it?

Just curious...

Never done it, wouldn't even consider it. Once a relationship is over for me... it's just that, over. Done. Finished.

When it comes to emotional attachments... I'm pretty "out of sight, out of mind" about them. If someone isn't around in my life anymore, whatever emotional attachment I had for them will dissipate in a matter of days, if not sooner (if they give me a reason why I shouldn't have any emotions towards them, it can be instantaneous). And I can just as well go on with my life like nothing happened and pretty much completely forget them. It's not that I'm trying to be mean, but it's difficult for me to justify to myself why I should care. Seems like useless baggage to me that serves no beneficial purpose in being hauled around.

Oh, well...

Oh, well...

Lol, sorry. I didn't mean to discourage you, in case I did. I'm probably somewhat abnormal in this respect (about emotional attachments, etc.) compared to most.

No one can ever judge you except yourself.

I will never think anything bad about you, because you are doing what you think is right for yourself.

It's just that many of us have experience, and if we can impart onto you some wisdom to help you, and make your life a little easier.

I know what a beautiful kiss can make you feel, all high and like you can float, and many other things. Just remember this, there are 6.5 billion people on the planet, he is not the only one who can make you feel that way.

Just make sure you look after yourself first.

If you aren't for yourself, who is?
If you are for yourself, what/who are you?
If not now, then when?



Well, when you've been kissed like I was...

Anyway, please don't judge me too harshly. This guy seems to be a good guy. So we'll see...

And if nothing comes of it, you'll hear about the next guy, unless it works out.

Lol, sorry. I didn't mean to discourage you, in case I did. I'm probably somewhat abnormal in this respect (about emotional attachments, etc.) compared to most.
You didn't. Don't worry about it.

Just make sure you look after yourself first.
I will. Thank you.


I know what a beautiful kiss can make you feel, all high and like you can float, and many other things. Just remember this, there are 6.5 billion people on the planet, he is not the only one who can make you feel that way.

Well, he is quite a kisser...

TMI, I know...

Well, Peabody, I think that you were right.

The guy that I went out with a couple of times does not want to see or talk with me again.

I had a whole IM conversation with him last Friday night. He said that he was afraid that if we ever dated again that he would be "paralyzed" about hurting me again.

He seems to think that he'll find some woman who overwhelmingly will make him feel comfortable enough to move past his issues. I tried to tell him to "let go." I don't think that he understands that he has to move on past his painful divorce and painful past relationship BEFORE he gets involved with someone.

I really thought that this guy was developing feelings for me. You know, it wasn't just a sexual thing. It was loving when I was with him. We were in a park, you know, and if you had been sitting near us, you would've thought that we had been dating for a year. He was so tender with me.

I wrote him a couple of e-mails asking him if he would like to sit down and talk about his past relationships, and he never even read them. He has only been online on the dating site once a day. I'm not sure if he's away or not (I believe he might be, as he told me something about that), but I'm not getting my hopes up.

It's like he get scared and ran away.

Hey iluvkoalas (member.php?u=16960),

It's not about being right or wrong, it's about being smart about it. (there is another perspective that some people can't always handle, and it's you are both right, but who is more right!)

The only thing I would have to say from all this, is learn from it, and grow. Mistakes happen, people happen. Be good to yourself, as you are the most important person you have.

If he got scared and ran away, it is actually a good thing. Do you want to be around someone who can't handle you! You both need to have mutual respect for each other..

Good luck out there, and enjoy your life, it's the only one you have.

I know you didn't mean it this way, but I'm actually quite easygoing and down in earth. In fact, when I was with him, I said that I was "No maintenance."

I'm just very, very open. He said that he was, too.