I am new to this forum. I am 6 months out of an 8 year relationship with a man who exhibits every single sign of ADD. We lived together for nearly 5 years, and as time passed we fought about so many things from his absent mindedness to his lack of motivation to his inability to compromise, to his lack of communication skills. I found him 2 of the three jobs he held while we were together. He always seemed to be unhappy and lost in nearly all aspects of his life even though he is a very smart and talented man. The fighting got worse and worse and eventually we split. The problem is that he still wants supportive contact from me and this is very difficult because we have discussed the possibility of ADD being his problem and in fact discussed it many times in the past and still he has done nothing to address it. I don't feel that I am providing him with positive or healthy support if he is not going to do something for himself. (by the way, he moved 3000 miles away from me and is equally unhappy there he says). I still love him very much and what saddens me is how much we had in common and how well we could get along at times outside of the problems his behaviours caused and my reactions fueled. I have told him that I do not think we should be in contact and have blocked his phone number from my phone which I know has hurt him, but I really feel that I have done all I can do at this point. I had suggested counselling for both of us when we were still together, suggested investigating the possible sources of his problems with professionals and he never wanted to really go through with it. Maybe my question is since I feel so guilty and sad about my decision, is it fair of me to turn away? He told me he has nobody else to talk to and hates the idea of not being able to talk to me, but I think I have encouraged this behaviour and lack of socializing by going along with it for so long. Has anyone else had to make this decision and how did it work out? I also know that inside I hope we could be together again and I doubt he feels that way, especially since none of the issues have ever been addressed, so again, I feel this is another good reason to cease contact. He says he is tired of being unhappy, and he knows what options are available to him, is it a good decision to now let him go it alone?

I have a simple way to sum up my feelings on this.

Don't stay with him if you don't want to. Tell him you want to cease contact until he has sorted out his ADD.

If you DO want to be with him, then give him an ultimatum - get help with his ADD NOW, not first thing tomorrow morning, or you cannot be with him.

It is great that you care about this guy... but enabling him to get by without addressing his issues properly won't help him... and certainly won't help you either.

Just my 2c. Welcome to the forum, hopefully something I or someone else says can help you.

If he really does have ADD, he will never change... as hard as you may try... you will always be TRYNG! I'm not trying to be mean or heartless by saying this... it is just my experience after 15 year of knowing/living with/being married to an ADD person. He's a wonderful, caring person... but has a lot of needs!

thanks for responding. I think I had a pretty good idea what sort of responses I would get, and I think my decision for now anyway is a reasonable one. It is going to be hard though.

Hi Tracey,

I am in the process of a separation after a ten year marriage to a man that was diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago.

I understand your need to ask advice but in the end it will have to be your personal choice. Waywardclam gave you good advice because it is based on what YOU want.

If you want to be with him, then do so but you will have to decide how much you are willing to give and how long you are willing to be supportive while he finds support. You will also have to hold tight to the idea that YOU ARE NOT responsible for him.

I am only now coming to terms with this in my rmariage. It is not up to me to find help for my husband. I will gladly help him if he wants me to but I have to let him go at his own pace. That pace is not suitable for me and I have decided that I need to move on.

We have gotten at a point where he resents what he perceives as my need to meddle in his life and I resent his lack of wanting to help himself. He says if I backed off, he would but has yet to demonstrate that. I can't even say that if he really wanted to help himself, he would do so because it is not that simple. That is the most important thing you need to understand - it is not that simple.

It will be a struggle as long as you feel you need to help him. I know that with out separation, people will judge me on the fact that I didn't stay to help him - that I promised that in my vows - that's the big irony with this situation. ADDers on this forum will tell you to back off but people on the outside will judge you for not sticking it out.

You really need to put some thought into this and figure out what it is YOU need in a relationship. You have to be selfish and put your needs first and then concentrate on being with someone who can complement those needs.

Elizabeth