OK, not sure if the "Women with ADD/ADHD" forum means only women can post here, but I was interested in getting some input from women, not other men (which is what I assumed I'd get in the "Men" forum).

Here's the deal-

I was recently diagnosed with AD/HD. The original idea wasn't really mine, but my regular doctor recomended a psych eval, and so I got one. He said it was pretty straightforward, and it was to me after a lot of reading.

But my wife doesn't know yet. She doesn't know that the Doctor and I discussed it, that I was diagnosed by a therapist, or that I'm planning on at least trying medication to help. She does a lot of organizational things for me now, the kind of things that you do to help folks with AD/HD, but hasn't put it together. I don't think she really believes in AD/HD, or at least her personal definition of doesn't fit me, even remotely. I've made a couple overtures about it, but they've all been dismissed out of hand.

A lot of her attitude is based on prior experience, with her extended family (I think), but even more so with a close friend of ours. He has depression, AD/HD, is an intelligent 26 y/o male INFP (like me), and is extremely irresponsible and his irresponsibility goes way beyond anything I've ever done, but I have a lot more social smarts than him and I think I'm generally more adaptable. Anyway, the problem is that he loves to blame things on others, and the blame of the day since he was diagnosed is to blame it all on AD/HD. Now that I've been diagnosed, I've no problem thinking along the lines of "I do this; this is symptomatic of AD/HD," but never *because* of it. It isn't even that, but the way he does it absolves him of all responsibility. Before the AD/HD, he blamed everything on his dad, who divorced his mom and left when he was young, like 5, and with whom he doesn't get along with well, mostly because they are so alike.

Anyway, a person who says "I have AD/HD" sort of equals this friend to her.

How can I handle this? With someone other than the woman who is my best friend in the world, I might be content to just keep it to myself. But to her, that is being dishonesty, and I'd be inclined to agree. We are straight with each other to the point of pain sometimes. There have been some things I've lied to her about before, but only tiny stupid things (borne out of impusivity)- things like I said I returned the wireless router and got a new model (to buy myself time for forgetting to do it over the last two weeks), or like saying I went to class when I really skipped it. Things that would've been better by all measure to tell the truth about, but even those stupid, impulsive lies have hurt her more than anything else...

I can't imagine the betrayal she'd found out about this from the external world and not me. I already engaged in some cover up (acted ignorant when the therapist's office left a message I meant to intercept regarding an eval appointment) but it's been a small amount, and I'm not in too deep yet. I don't want it to get deep, I want to be completely honest. I don't want to make some story up if she finds a pill bottle that I haven't de-evidenced or something screwed up, or if I get a call or letter from the doc etc. It isn't right, not for the woman who I've been with for a few months short of 10 years.

Ideas on how I can ease her into this?

thanks-
fw

P.S. She's an INTP. Not sure if that'll help, but it's a picture of the kind of person she is. She admires Spock. She is very analytical.

OK, this can be ignored now. It's been worked out.

*very large smile*

gosh, so sorry you got no timely responses.

I was gnawing on this because I didn't have any ideas for you. Glad you worked it out.

good morning, hello & howdy.

it is in my opinion that you should do a little more research on ad/hd before you approach your wife. i like the hunter/farmer theory. perhaps some of the others will send informative links.


i am certain you have been blessed with one of the greatest survival skills known to man.
<O:p

i bet you are brave, compassionate, generous, fun & energetic, a good lover, loyal, kind, skillful, affectionate, adaptable, handsome, strong, sensitive. so many beautiful character traits, and, the best of all… wise. you have the wisdom to love a woman who loves you. <O:p

please do not label yourself with a disorder. i look at being “add” as being one of the chosen ones.


It is easer to except the idiosyncrasies than to fight them. identify and concentrate on the positives, be aware of the negatives and actively work on them. ad/hd is no different than any other human struggle, just a more interesting and fun. <O:p
<O:p

so, with that I say…. get on your horse and ride cowboy.

<O:p

db<O:p
<O:p

Well why not let us know how you worked it out? I'm sure there are others in a similar situation.

OK, this can be ignored now. It's been worked out.

*very large smile*As Tara said, enquiring minds want to know.

...hm. Seems they are busy. Otherwise pre-occupied. Occupied. :) Whatever....

It's that thumbs up sign clued me in.

Perhaps when he comes up for air he'll let us know. ahem...

Well, I've been reading your replies throughout the day- thanks for them. Especially what addiam said- it made me smile. I couldn't agree more about us having a gift- I've really only been diagnosed a week ago, but spent 26 years being me. I like me, I think I'm a cool guy with neato quirks and such. I've coasted by through most of life on my native intelligence, but in the last couple years I've run into the glass ceiling in college and have begun to run into it at work. My last job ended with me quitting for a better job offer after 2 years, but the BS excuses were wearing thin, and I like the job I have *so* much now that I don't want that to happen. A friend was diagnosed, read some things, was amazed at how well I fit the bill- I just thought that is how INFPs were. I guess a lot are. Anyway-

Like any attempt at dishonesty I might impulsively produce, they're all stupid and shallow lies. Impulsively spun to buy time or escape what I (usually incorrectly) perceive as potential embarassment. I won't go into what happened this time, but like usual it falls apart because it isn't plan, and it is one stupid lie at first, but grows some scaffolding around it to keep from being found out. Dumb, really.

Basically, she seemed to be questioning about some paperwork I got in the mail which I let her believe were results from some blood tests, but when asked about it later I said weren't. One thing led to another and I told her. She was ****ed and felt betrayed, got mad. She said some very bad things that sounded finalish, scary when we have only had this kind of fight once or twice before, over an almost 10 year relationship. Anywho, it was all for the good, the very good, because unlike the couple other times I was found out lying she got mad, but it was just some apologies and a few hours and all was fine.

But this time it was different, after explaining it all and being honest about it all. But this time I adequately explained the way it works, the impulsivity of it, the non-planningness, etc. Basically, we've come to an agreement that when I do that it's OK, but just tell her. That, or just say "I don't want to talk about it." Something I can't say because that is more of a thought than making up some BS, and to me more hurtful. If she tells me a white lie, I'm oblivious, but when she explicity tells me she doesn't want to share it with me, that hurts. But she isn't the same way.

We talked a lot about our brains, about the attention problems I have. That I don't do it because I don't care or am not intersted, but my mind wanders so much. Even in sex, my wind wanders, not for lack of love or attraction. I think she understands me better, and I her and other people a lot better. Until very recently, I really never thought of myself as having an attention problem per se. My wife has a lot of similar behaviors, but according to her, they are considered and deliberate- things like taking breaks during cleaning, whereas I phase out and start reading from my PDA or thinking about other things.

I mean, honesty is what she deserves, obviously. Both of us. There really isn't anything she asks of me but honesty and love and to try. We worked out a ton and are a lot better off and more prepared for it. We've adapted together to or strengths and weaknesses pretty well over the years, but there are some places she can't really take care of the mundane stuff- like work. And when we have a baby, there will be more I'll have to be responsible for too. And as such I want to do well by her and the future-kid(s) which she has said are "her gift to me." I think she knows me better than I do.

I mean, honesty is what she deserves, obviously. Both of us. There really isn't anything she asks of me but honesty and love and to try. We worked out a ton and are a lot better off and more prepared for it. We've adapted together to or strengths and weaknesses pretty well over the years, but there are some places she can't really take care of the mundane stuff- like work. And when we have a baby, there will be more I'll have to be responsible for too. And as such I want to do well by her and the future-kid(s) which she has said are "her gift to me." I think she knows me better than I do.I love happy endings. :cool:

Well, today, she's a little less in agreement with the diagnosis, saying things like "well, that's what your parents do too, you just need the discipline, just say 'I won't do this' and it'll happen." So, an uphill battle to some extent, but she is open about it, but just has some strong preconceptions.

BTW, Imnapl, I like the Eris Apple Computer cross-over theme. :D

BTW, Imnapl, I like the Eris Apple Computer cross-over theme. :DEris? Have I missed new commercials? I love Apple Computer commercials.

Are you near a Library? I recommend BIBLIOTHERAPY!!

Perhaps giving her some Fact Sheets or Library Books (the "Not Lazy, Crazy, Stupid" book, etc) might help?

(e.g. outlining symptoms she'll recognize like "unfinished projects" or "inattentive listening", etc)

I like Dr. Daniel Amen's books too

Or some materials/diagrams that explains that ADHD is neurological and a real nervous system/frontal lobe and brain chemical disorder.



Should that fail, Take her to the Doctor with you!

[just read your initial post again]

------------------

Aw. "You just need discipline".

I think i hear some *blaming* in there. :( And comparisons.

ADHD people try. And -- we try so frikkin' hard.

It's not just about Discipline or Willpower. (Just like 90% of very obese people will tell you about weight loss and food.)

------
Explanation:

1. Do you know about EXECUTIVE FUNCTION ? That is the Brain's "MANAGER". (and organizer, and planner, and troubleshooter...)

That is part of what is impaired in ADHD.

We don't want to be Failures, or Underacheivers, or "Undisciplined" -- BUT, we can't always help it -- as our Brain's Manager is "asleep".


http://www.schoolbehavior.com/conditions_edfoverview2.htm


http://mywebpages.comcast.net/kskkight/EFD.htm


2. We also often have issues with WORKING MEMORY. (Forgetting details of what we HEAR or READ.
So............
Long instructions, or highly detailed things to remember later are most often messed up/confused/lost.)

good morning all!


with just a minute to talk, i will say, that i believe your woman is just thinking out loud. she is probable not as doubtful as you might think.

woman need to come to terms with things. i suggest you just go on working through your issues with the new diagnosis and let her watch,/see, and hear/listen to your struggle in processing the new world view you both have been given.

talk to her and every time she shows you she is scared. hold her and love her. tell her how much you appreciate her!!!!!!

please let her process with out reacting as if it is about you.

what is about you is the ad/hd, and how you choose to deal with and use it. no since in you even questioning it at this point.

learn as much as you can about the positive aspects of ad/hd, and let her see you just moving on with it.

i would suggest she read some of our post. take her to the doc if you need, but the best thing you can do to help ease your woman through all this is to make her proud in the way she sees her man deal with the challenge.

she already loves you, she is loyal. all she really wants to know is you love her and that thing will be stable.

<O:p

stay strong my friend


let us know how it go's
and remember,


the ladies got your back<O:p


db

We worked out a ton and are a lot better off and more prepared for it. We've adapted together to or strengths and weaknesses pretty well over the yearsThis statement says a lot about the strength of your relationship, regardless of ADHD. When told of my diagnosis, my husband of now almost twenty-nine years who has never read anything about ADHD told our friend, "We knew there was something, we just didn't know what it was."

Eris? Have I missed new commercials? I love Apple Computer commercials.

Oh... Well, maybe it's just a happy coincidence. A few things added up in your .sig that to me I thought were intentional. The Apple reference is the Apple logos. But, in the sig, the golden apple has signifigance; a figure referenced as a goddess *holding* a golden apple has more signifigance. The goddess that I thought you were showing is Eris, the Greek goddess of Discord, the goddess of the modern semi-religion Discordianism. The golden apple is called the "Apple of Discord," but I won't go into the whole story. Eris herself is a bit of an oddball goddess, so I thought that's what you meant with the ODD part. Anyway, the following links are great and might explain why I came to this conclusion...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_of_Discord
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eris_%28mythology%29
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Illuminatus%21_Trilogy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discordianism

OK, sidetracked! That is one benefit from ADD I sort of worry about, is my reading habits. Wikipedia is so perfect for me; I often have like 20-100 tabs open, and skip between them every 10-30 seconds often. I hope that medication doesn't make me any less inquisitive for such useless but interesting knowledge. OK, sidetrack, now real replies...

[just read your initial post again]
Aw. "You just need discipline".

I think i hear some *blaming* in there. :( And comparisons.

Oh, there are... but don't be too hard on her! She is trying to understand, and doing a good job of it. I knew the first night was too good to be true, not in a bad way, just that we had more questions. We went through a big survery (the oneaddplace.com adult add inventory) for herself, talked over items, etc.

I think comparisons and blaming come easy to her in this situation. She is very similar to me (though a Thinker not a Feeler), but her behavior seems to be deliberate. That is, kind of sliding by rather than working her butt off to reach her potential. Not that she doesn't have a good job as IT staff at a university and a B.A. with good grades, but we've often joked about "man, if only we actually applied ourselves..." and "it's a good thing we're lazy, and not evil, because..." The thing I never understood is that the way her brain works is indeed different. It's interesting, because we have so many analogous structures, but I don't have the focus or control over them.

In her world, focus and control over her mind are paramount. Her life, including what she might see herself as laziness sometimes, seems to be quite deliberate. And body, she can do some weird things with her body that usually it takes a lot of training to do, like stopping the blood flow from at least general regions. It's amazing.

We discussed a lot the first night about metaphors for the way our brains work. I talked about how my brain feels like I'm floating down a river in a inner-tube, I don't have much of a control of what I think about, I sort of float down, with trees going by, turtles and submarines floating up to say "hola, think about me," etc. After explaining this, she was like "yeah, but ... can't you point?" Like, point to where you want to go on this river, to freeze in place and inspect each item for how ever long you feel like. I just sort of laughed. Up to recently, I myself had worked on a lot of assumptions about how people think, and just figured most people thought the same way.

Some people talk about how ADD is like having so much noise in my head. But it isn't with me- it isn't a clangy orchestra but more a relaxed, dreamlike succession between thoughts for which I don't hold the reigns. I used wondered about what "thinking" even meant- I can't think out the solution to a problem, unless it has some really formalized rules like math. Either I know or I don't know, and if I don't know, then I'm thinking about something else. Unbidden. The only kind of thought I have is really stream of consciousness. Sometimes I think my subconsciousness is pretty smart, because it is responsible for a lot. Part of why I (and my wife) procrastinate is that to some extent there is a benefit- for instance with a school paper, a lot of times while I wait that paper is getting outlined and written, and it just comes out. If I sat down right away, it wouldn't have. I know not all this is neccesarily AD/HD consistent, but talking about my brain invariably leads to talking about comparisons and differences between my wife's and my brain.

The lack of control is what she doesn't understand, and I think it even scares her a little.


ADHD people try. And -- we try so frikkin' hard.

That's part of it. Sometimes I don't try, and I know it. That's anyone. I've gotten through most of life not having to try, and having to start trying at an older age (~ 20) is hard. Not an excuse, but it's kind of a shock when you find out the formula you coasted on for 20 years sort of sputters out.

Thanks for the thoughts and ideas, QueensU!

fw

This statement says a lot about the strength of your relationship, regardless of ADHD. When told of my diagnosis, my husband of now almost twenty-nine years who has never read anything about ADHD told our friend, "We knew there was something, we just didn't know what it was."

Well, that's just it. I was happy that there was a name for this, even just so I had something to search for when looking for strategies on organization, etc. It think worries my wife that I have a "disorder," though not in a real way. She sort of worries about everything, probably because I worry about nothing. As far as I care, I never have to talk about "AD/HD" again, she can call it Aaronness or INFP-nature for all I care...

Told her (really poorly, too jumbled) about the Hunter/Farmer hypothesis. She's someone who is not impressed by authority, doesn't particularily like therapists (didn't do her any good when she was younger) and doesn't expect a Doctor, inventory website, or therapist to know me better than her. She is disturbed by the trend toward the neurohomoginization of society, etc. I agree with her on this. But I'm not hypochondriac-type, I don't have a track record of misapplying diseases and disorders to try to make things make sense. I was really quite shocked actually, how well I fit the inventory at oneaddplace when I took it. The story of how I got on this road is much more private and embarassing, and as such don't want to go into it publically.

with just a minute to talk, i will say, that i believe your woman is just thinking out loud. she is probable not as doubtful as you might think.

Oh, I totally agree! I didn't mean to scare anyone. Thank you for the incredibly kind words, addiam... And I'll always be happy to have this lot of ladies at my back. :D

hey guy, how is it going?

i wonder if the point i am trying to make is understood. it is a pleasant suprise to see you hear me loud and clear. i appreciate your response to the post. i think of you often and hope for your continued strength, and wellbeing. I look forward to sharing the journey with you and the sisters.

db

hi guys,
i'm really glad i found this forum...i've been looking for something like this! i've been diagnosed for about 6 months now and u r right it really is a whole new world view!

relationships are definatly one thing that cause me to have a great deal of anxiety. how do the married folks here keep their relationships strong with all the quirks of ADD..especially if you aren't taking meds? I hear that ppl w/ ADD are more likely to end up in divorce and that doesn't surprise me.

I had a similar problem with my husband. Back in the 70's a doctor put his then 50 year old father on Dexedrine for sleep problem so that he could stay awake to work in the day. He put him on Dexedrine in the day, twice a day and strong sleeping pills at night. Awful.....His father would be a living nighmear! He went very mental on this stuff and my husband and his mom suffered for years until he went off the dex..

I had to finally say to my husband "I am not your father" ! and "I have a good doctor, here is his phone number call him and talk over things with him" I signed a waiver to say my husband can talk to my doctor at any time if he wants to chat about medication.

Don't put this off as its a deception in your marriage if you do and that can lead to other problems that you do not need in this new treatment. You need everything in your life to be as drama free as possible as you start new medications.

She really needs to come with you on your next appointment. My husband also did not believe in ADD...:)when i first met him but after living with me for 12 years he is a total believer and 100 percent supportive. He just wants me to be happy and to not have bad reactions to medicines and I too want that so we are good!!

My husband has a masters degree in physics and computer science and loves Spock. He is a computer manager and very scientific and don't worry about that in your wife as it will help her to understand ADD. Get some information on the science of ADD and the brain......and how the chemicals of meds work etc.....:)

OK, not sure if the "Women with ADD/ADHD" forum means only women can post here, but I was interested in getting some input from women, not other men (which is what I assumed I'd get in the "Men" forum).

Here's the deal-

I was recently diagnosed with AD/HD. The original idea wasn't really mine, but my regular doctor recomended a psych eval, and so I got one. He said it was pretty straightforward, and it was to me after a lot of reading.

But my wife doesn't know yet. She doesn't know that the Doctor and I discussed it, that I was diagnosed by a therapist, or that I'm planning on at least trying medication to help. She does a lot of organizational things for me now, the kind of things that you do to help folks with AD/HD, but hasn't put it together. I don't think she really believes in AD/HD, or at least her personal definition of doesn't fit me, even remotely. I've made a couple overtures about it, but they've all been dismissed out of hand.

A lot of her attitude is based on prior experience, with her extended family (I think), but even more so with a close friend of ours. He has depression, AD/HD, is an intelligent 26 y/o male INFP (like me), and is extremely irresponsible and his irresponsibility goes way beyond anything I've ever done, but I have a lot more social smarts than him and I think I'm generally more adaptable. Anyway, the problem is that he loves to blame things on others, and the blame of the day since he was diagnosed is to blame it all on AD/HD. Now that I've been diagnosed, I've no problem thinking along the lines of "I do this; this is symptomatic of AD/HD," but never *because* of it. It isn't even that, but the way he does it absolves him of all responsibility. Before the AD/HD, he blamed everything on his dad, who divorced his mom and left when he was young, like 5, and with whom he doesn't get along with well, mostly because they are so alike.

Anyway, a person who says "I have AD/HD" sort of equals this friend to her.

How can I handle this? With someone other than the woman who is my best friend in the world, I might be content to just keep it to myself. But to her, that is being dishonesty, and I'd be inclined to agree. We are straight with each other to the point of pain sometimes. There have been some things I've lied to her about before, but only tiny stupid things (borne out of impusivity)- things like I said I returned the wireless router and got a new model (to buy myself time for forgetting to do it over the last two weeks), or like saying I went to class when I really skipped it. Things that would've been better by all measure to tell the truth about, but even those stupid, impulsive lies have hurt her more than anything else...

I can't imagine the betrayal she'd found out about this from the external world and not me. I already engaged in some cover up (acted ignorant when the therapist's office left a message I meant to intercept regarding an eval appointment) but it's been a small amount, and I'm not in too deep yet. I don't want it to get deep, I want to be completely honest. I don't want to make some story up if she finds a pill bottle that I haven't de-evidenced or something screwed up, or if I get a call or letter from the doc etc. It isn't right, not for the woman who I've been with for a few months short of 10 years.

Ideas on how I can ease her into this?

thanks-
fw

P.S. She's an INTP. Not sure if that'll help, but it's a picture of the kind of person she is. She admires Spock. She is very analytical.