My DH has been mostly supportive, but I feel some tension creeping in lately. He complained about the state of the house a few weeks ago (when I'd run out of meds). Since then, I've gotten back on the drugs, and think I'm doing a lot better at keeping the house clean. I am, however, still forgetting to do some things he'd like me to do (calling doctors to resolve billing disputes, running out to get keys made, etc.). He hasn't complained about this much, but it's clear from his demeanor that he's biting his tongue.

DH is successful, type-A businessman. He grew up with strict parents who expected him to work a lot, and is working a highly demanding job with bosses who expect him to work a lot. We've discussed the difference in our personalities before, and he always insists that he values my more easy-going temperament. I'm not totally convinced .... I can tell he's frustrated when he doesn't think I've done "enough." In turn, this frustrates me, because I feel as if I'm being judged unfairly.

We've discussed my ADD issues at length several times. But I think that in some dark corner of his mind, he thinks I'm just lazy. No, he doesn't say that. He really does try to be nice. But periodically the tension creeps back in, because he just can't believe I'm so inefficient. Any suggestions?

Krisp,
I do not know if I have any answers, but I am struggling with the same thing you are only it is opposite. I am ADD male with very Type A wife. My situation is different in that my wife has been believes ADD is very real, but has a very bad temper when things are not done her way. So just letting you know there is someone here who is in the same boat.

I am just starting but some of what I read suggests that you need to sit down with your spouse and discuss what you can do and what you cannot. Maybe brainstorm with him ways to help you accomplish what you need to get done. Find out what things our bothering him. Be realistic when about what you can acomplish. I know that I have gotten myself into a lot of hot water trying to do more than I am capable to show I can do it. Then upsetting people when I do not get anything done.
Hope it makes sense. I am very spacy today. Just back from being out sick and I am still not feeling great.

Thanks. We've had a few discussions like the one you suggested. I'm still trying to figure out just what I can realistically accomplish. ;) He urges me to use my planner more, and to set goals. But I don't want him to become my taskmaster in reaching those goals ... I think that would put a strain on the relationship. It's kind of a delicate balance to achieve, allowing him to help without giving up my own sense of control, and I'm not very good at that yet. We get along well most of the time, but we have very different ways of doing things. And knowing that he's a perfectionist at heart, I'm sensitive to his criticisms.

It occurs to me, rereading my own post, that I sound like I'm "reading his mind" and jumping to conclusions about what he thinks. But we've gone through this whole cycle before, so I'm in familiar territory. Typically, when he finally spills his guts about his frustration, he's more upset than I thought he was. :rolleyes: He tries to avoid criticising me because he knows it's tough for me ... and yet my ADDness tends to get under his skin.

Krisp,
I would agree about the taskmaster part. That is what has happened to us and it creating issues for both of us. For my wife she is frustrated because she has to stay on top of me to get some things done and for me the frustration is feeling like she is nagging me all the time. I to am trying to figure out what I can and cannot do.
It is tough they do not want to critisize and hold it in till it all spills out. I have been given the suggestiion if I sense something wrong to discuss it when I notice it before it blows up.

This is a rough, one, my wife and I face it too... we have sort of evolved (devolved?) into a relationship where we have given and taken. She takes care of some of the things I find almost impossible, i.e. banking and bill paying, and helping me stay organized, and I make up for it by doing things that she hates to do, like dishes, laundry, changing the cat litter...

May not be something you can adapt to your own situation... but maybe something like this might help...

I remember hearing some pop psychologist say that in every relationship, there are some unresolvable problems. Our job is to work around them and not let them ruin the relationship (unless they are such big problems that they're just unacceptable). Typical pop psychologist statement ... deep, but glib, and not really all that helpful. :p At least we know we're not alone.

We run into the same. I think EVERY relationship does. Even though DH is ADD also, his is less severe. I know what you mean about the "lazy" thought w/ no actual comment. I think my DH is scared to voice that opinion.:p

If I feel this type of tension creeping in, I ask for him to get out his pom poms and give me some cheers. We know that some attagirls will go a LOOONNNGG way toward not only accomplishing more, but also enhancing our relationship. Attagirls plus meds, well, need I say more?;)

I must warn. If you have not used this technique before, it will feel contrived at first for both parties. Keep it up though, it will work. I don't have to tell you what we ADDers can accomplish with just a little encouragement.

Originally posted by waywardclam
This is a rough, one, my wife and I face it too... we have sort of evolved (devolved?) into a relationship where we have given and taken. She takes care of some of the things I find almost impossible, i.e. banking and bill paying, and helping me stay organized, and I make up for it by doing things that she hates to do, like dishes, laundry, changing the cat litter...

May not be something you can adapt to your own situation... but maybe something like this might help...


I think you're onto something here! The keyword being c-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e. Who decided it's the tidiest person's level that is the norm in any given situation?! That idea is making a lot of people unhappy - the untidy ones feel guilty and the tidy ones feel like parents or police officers or whatever.

Helping each other out (whether it be swapping chores or reminding each other to do things) is not a second best, or failure, solution - it's a strategy that works WITH how WE work. The book "ADD friendly ways to organize your life" has helped me a lot, for example in realizing just that: there are things/strategies/help from other that I NEED to be able to do some things that's nothing to other people.

The "organize" part of the title might also get the compromising some automatic goodwill with the already organized partner... Your getting the book shows him or her you want to get organized, and inside is a lot of discussions about renegotiating your standards/level of tidyness, for example...

My husband and I have gone thru the same thing's. We have worked out a system that at times needs tweeking lol but, most the time is effective.

First and foremost keep the door open,,,my husband and I find it hard to communicate our problems. I bend and say "yes dear your right" or he get's angry. So we have started emailing each other, giving the recipiant time to see how their behaviour can be seen as destructive or hurtful and both parties have time to calm down before actually discussing the issue. This works for us very well.

If my husband needs me to do something i.e. call a bill collector or something he will leave a sticky note on the toilet paper roll (gross I know; but, I have yet to miss one lol) and I stick the note to my shirt therefore a constant reminder until I get the task complete.

Housework on the other hand is everyone's job,,,there is more than one person living in your house. Talk about what he doesn't mind doing and what you don't mind doing. Work a schedule out we clean one room a week from top to bottom. Each person having their own room. I find that turning my back to the room and working my way out has been helpful I don't lose concentration as often and can get the task completed much faster and with less stress.

I do hope this works for you and will be praying for you

OOOOoooo and I forgot if all else fails I point out were my ADHD comes in handy...I do not know many ppl my husband included who can feed a baby, cook supper, do laundry, read a book, talk on the phone and help with homework at the same time...But, I can lol