View Full Version : My ADHD Girlfriend


Valencia
06-12-07, 09:38 PM
Alrighty, I'm gonna try to get to the point for everyone reading this.
Brooklyn (false name) and I have been going out for 3 months. We get along pretty good, love each other, and really want this to work out. The problem is that she claims that I don't understand her on a lot of things, and I REALLY want to, as much, or more than she wants me to.
She has a ton of books on ADHD, but no matter when I ask, she won't let me read them. Tonight she agreed :). She's afraid that when I do start reading, that I'll get too deep into it, and that I'll over analyze. Also, she's afraid that I'll connect the dots, just I'll do it all wrong. This is also a fear of mine. We're both 16, and we want this to work, so any suggestions? I'm wondering if you have any book titles in mind, and just any good relationship stories or helpful ideas. This is much appreciated, thanks, Mike / Valencia.
Oh, btw, I myself do not have ADD, but sometimes I think it would all be easier if i did lol!

Vhan
06-12-07, 09:58 PM
If you can encourage her to tell you exactley what conclusion she is afraid that you will come to when you start reading about ADD.

Is she scared that after you learn that ADDers have hard time with certian things in a relationship, anything from sex, to just general feelings (but leats be honest, were 16 here, I myself am 17 and Plz, for the sake of both of you Don't do that,)

I do know that a lot of Adders carry around a feeling of guilt, like they are broken or something of that nature. Maybe she is scared that after you read the books and read things like,

"the frontal lobe doesnt work correctley"

that you may reach the same conclusion, that she isn't the nice girl that you have known, but this girl who has something skrewed up with her head, and maybe because she is skrewed up in the head, maybe she thinks that could be one of the reasons you like her so well.

Then you have this huge question rolling through her head like a train that sounds like

"What if he thinks im broken, what will he think after he figures out im broken, what if he finds out that the reason he likes me so much is because something is skrewed up with me"

Anyway, maybe that is a good place to start?

ProcrastN8R2
06-12-07, 10:33 PM
The title of this thread sounds like a great title for a movie!

Now playing "My ADHD Girlfriend" in theaters near you!

What actress stars as the girlfriend?

Valencia
06-12-07, 10:59 PM
If you can encourage her to tell you exactley what conclusion she is afraid that you will come to when you start reading about ADD.

Is she scared that after you learn that ADDers have hard time with certian things in a relationship, anything from sex, to just general feelings (but leats be honest, were 16 here, I myself am 17 and Plz, for the sake of both of you Don't do that,)

I do know that a lot of Adders carry around a feeling of guilt, like they are broken or something of that nature. Maybe she is scared that after you read the books and read things like,

"the frontal lobe doesnt work correctley"

that you may reach the same conclusion, that she isn't the nice girl that you have known, but this girl who has something skrewed up with her head, and maybe because she is skrewed up in the head, maybe she thinks that could be one of the reasons you like her so well.

Then you have this huge question rolling through her head like a train that sounds like

"What if he thinks im broken, what will he think after he figures out im broken, what if he finds out that the reason he likes me so much is because something is skrewed up with me"

Anyway, maybe that is a good place to start?Hey, yah, thanks, that helps a lot. We've discussed it before, and she's afraid mostly that I'll just get into it too deeply, and then I'll know exactly what it is that she's thinking, whereas she wants to keep some things to herself a lot of the time. I'll be 17 in July, she just turned 16 a month ago, and our relationship is complicated. ADD and her sexuality are a big thing, ADD and her mood swings, her feeling of isolation, and like you mentioned, her feeling of.. just being not normal, and it really bugs her. I try to encourage her, yaknow, remind her of all the great people of the world who have had ADD, Einstein, Edison, etc. and explain to her that I love her just the way she is, but she just wants to be "normal" and think 'normal' thoughts, and have a normal day. Some things we can't change, but I just want her to feel that.. yah, I can understand why it is that she does the things she does, yet not make her feel like I have her 100% figured out, because she wouldn't like that. Thanks anyhow, good reply :).

Valencia
06-12-07, 11:00 PM
The title of this thread sounds like a great title for a movie!

Now playing "My ADHD Girlfriend" in theaters near you!

What actress stars as the girlfriend?Lol m8, I dunno. I'd have to choose... Lindsay Lohan, because my girlfriend looks just like her :).

ProcrastN8R2
06-12-07, 11:44 PM
Perfect! I think Lindsay Lohan has ADD!

Vhan
06-14-07, 11:29 AM
Well, you sound like your a really nice guy, and that your going in the right direction with this so far,

We've discussed it before, and she's afraid mostly that I'll just get into it too deeply, and then I'll know exactly what it is that she's thinking
I have had a ADHD GF myself, and I don't think I could EVER know what she was thinking, lol, Personally I'm pretty shure that there are way to many thoughts zipping around to ever really pin one down and say "This is what im thinking about"

I'm pretty confident that over time she will feel more comfortable about you knowing about her ADD,

But I can understand how being one of the first people to "figure her out" can be a little unsettleing,

Valencia
06-14-07, 10:49 PM
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm going to get into this a little more, and see if you could help me out.
Alright, so, FINALLY, she claims that I'm starting to understand her. I've understood her all along really, it's just that now I know how to communicate my thoughts about what she's thinking, or why she's doing something, quickly, efficiently, and in a way which she can see herself in the story as I'm telling it. She has an absolutely terrible memory, but it's kind of a nice thing. I remember one time she was really down, and I knew all the stuff on her mind, and her memory and ADHD was on of the things, so I pulled off a very Valencia thing to do, and printed her off a page of quotes. I'm sure you heard of Friedrich Nietzsche?
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time That kinda brightened her spirits, and that made her feel like she wasn't alone, because she felt that I knew what as going through her mind.
Right now, our relationship is going top-notch. It's amazing when it's going good, and we're trying to figure out all that's making it good for us, and keep doing hte right things. One thing we / she (mostly) came up with is the fact that she's really appreciating the fact that I'm showing such an interest in learning about her, and also I'm not being so weak and negative anymore.
Brooklyn gets bored of boys, even when she's really into them, quickly, so it's up to them, or me in this case, to wait it out, because she goes through stages of wanting a b/f, and then... apathetic ... then fighting with them, then back to alll I can't live without you type thing haha. So I'm wondering if maybe it's the same thing for your girlfriend, and how you guys get through the downturns, and if you know what my girlfriend means by being weak. I used to just let her yell at me, but then I would start to defend myself, yell back, and finally I took it too far, and she told me so. So I adjusted, and i PREVENT most of the fights before they can happen, so she views that as me being stronger than just letting them happen? Any ideas, or comments? Sorry if it was so lenghty, but seeing as you said you don't have ADD I think, then hopefully you'll be able to suffer through this without getting way too bored in the first sentence. Btw, thanks a lot for your help the first time. Peace.

Vhan
06-15-07, 11:15 AM
So I'm wondering if maybe it's the same thing for your girlfriend, and how you guys get through the downturns,
Here I have to admit that my experiences with relationships is kinda limited...I'll find a interesting girl, then...after a while find her boreing and odd...the two girls I finally started dateing, well they were pretty short relationships... :p

But your allready doing A LOT valencia, (a WHOLE lot more than any one else our age would do, not to mention the fact that your still even trying to imporve yourself, very admireable~!)

PREVENT most of the fights before they can happen, so she views that as me being stronger than just letting them happen? Any ideas, or comments
I'm a little lost by what ya mean :p srry,

AdoptaPirate
07-29-07, 12:35 PM
To be honest, you dont exactly know what you're getting yourself into to some extent. Its great that you are taking the initiative to atleast get some insight into things, and from you reading it's going to make you go "oooooowe, that explains alot".

Once you start reading and understanding a bit more, you will have to start coming up with solutions on your own (if this sets her off, whats another way to do it.... when she gets moody, instead of me making it worse, whats a solution?). You will have to bite the bullet on ALOT of things, so it will be alot of work on your part.

Just try and have fun, ADHD people are a blast.

aloha1983
09-10-07, 08:09 PM
Hi Valencia, I feel compelled to reply as at the age of 24, I still am only just getting my head around the 'yo-yo' effect of wanting a boyfriend, then freaking out about being vulnerable, and so on.

I think you need to remind her that the reason that you love is because she is 'Brooklyn', and that while the ADD is a part of that it doesn't define her. Rather, it is part of what makes her unique. In getting to know her, naturally you want to get to know what makes her tick. Just remember, every ADD person is not the same, so sometimes it will be a little different for her than what it is in the books. Have little 'relationship meetings' where you can discuss things, and once they're closed, just go back to being yourselves. By having a forum to share rationally, you'll help each other.

I think too it's important to remember that while you can gain an outside knowledge of it, only she knows exactly what it's like to be inside her head. The problem with my ex was he tried to second guess everything I did and ended up being very patronising. So be there as a support, but let her inform you of what is happening with regards to the ADD and how you can help.

Remember the two of you are a team and it's a 2 way street, obviously she has to be committed to working things out with you too.